Spying June on the couch Chanwoo skips over to him before plopping himself down beside him. Throwing his legs over the other he rests his head on the older’s shoulder before adjusting his position slightly to get more comfortable. Junhwe merely responds by grunting and bringing his phone over Chanwoo’s legs and closer to his face. 

“Why are you so clingy today?” he grumbles trying to push the other’s legs off him which still remain stubbornly on top of his own.

“Hey I’m not clingy, this is just my normal personality,” Chanwoo retorts, it’s true, he hasn’t been acting weirdly at all. 

“Nah you’ve definitely become more clingy lately, you’re always glued to someone,” Junhwe states giving up and resigning to have Chanwoo’s legs placed atop his, the younger isn’t budging an inch. 

“What? do you have a problem with it?” Chanwoo questions defensively, arms now crossed at his chest. He doesn’t feel as if he’s been particularly clingy lately. He’s been acting the same as normal.

“No, it’s just it’s kinda weird since we have to do all this fan service as an idol, it’s part of the job,” Junhwe starts “but it’s like you’re still the same even without cameras around.” 

“What do you mean? There are others that are way clingier than me. Have you seen Bi and Jinhwan?” Chanwoo answers with an eyebrow raised.

 “Yea but that’s because they’re really close. They’ve known each other for so long.“ The words cut like a knife deep in Chanwoo. What is Junhwe saying? That he doesn’t feel like their friendship isn’t real as Bi and Jinhwan’s? That it’s all ‘part of the job?’

Thoughts begin spiralling in Chanwoo’s head. He feels numb all over. He doesn’t remember lifting his legs off Junhwe and walk rigidly to his room. He doesn’t even remember grunting in reply to Junhwe’s question of concern. All he can think about are certain phrases that keep invading his mind. 

It’s part of the job. 

They’re really close. 

He’s never acted with the others in a certain way because he felt as if he was forced to. Of course there’s a certain amount of falsity he portrays when cameras are around, he emphasises his image of a evil maknae, makes more effort to tease the other members. But what he reveals on screen is essentially him in essence; he doesn’t pretend to be a different person. And in the same way he’s affectionate to the members because he likes them, not because that’s ‘part of the job’. 

He likes throwing his arms around the other members shoulder’s or resting his head on them when he’s tired. He’s never acted that way all for fan service but Junhwe’s words poke incessantly into his brain and bring a flood of new thoughts. How much did the members even truly like him? Sure they entertained his actions in front of the camera because it was their job, but was how they secretly felt inside something he knew? Did they consider him a friend? Sure they were close enough for him to say with certainty that they were friends but how much did they care for him. How much of it was for business and how much of it was real? They’ve all been a tight knit group since they’ve struggled together through WIN and Mix and Match. But what about him?

 Everything is muddled in Chanwoo’s brain; he feels lost in an ocean of unexplored feelings. It’s disorientating. Everything’s out of focus; he can’t tell what’s true or false anymore. The thought makes him sick, what if some of the others are acting, pretending while hiding grimaces of displeasure at all of his actions.

He’s probably being stupid, overthinking things the way the others always tell him not to because it only ends misunderstanding and hurt.This is something he needs to make sure of though, and the only way to know is by gauging the true feelings of the other members. 

The leader. He creeps up to Bi’s room and notices the older is hunched at his desk tapping his fingers in a melody heard only to himself. He’s busy, that much is obvious, there rarely seems a time when their leader isn’t occupied with organising all sorts of things, but he’s also stressed, the furrow in his brow and downturn of his lips are all Chanwoo needs to see to know it. He feels nervous, like a kid about to ask a stupid question as he stands beside the desk.

“What?” Bi’s question is short and punchy, his eyes drift up to acknowledge Chanwoo’s prescence for all of 2 seconds before he’s back to focusing on the music sheet in front of him. Chanwoo clears his throat in hopes of finding courage, and some words to use. When Bi isn’t stressed he’s fun, joins in the teasing and group antics but when he’s stressed the load piles up on top of him leaving him snappy and prone to rage. Chanwoo knows that. Knows that if he wants an answer it would be better when the older’s relaxed, not likely to berate him. But the thoughts clog up his mind so that it’s all he can think about it.

“Um, I was just wondering,” Bi nods to show that he’s listening but his eyes haven’t strayed from the table, “do you think I’m clingy..?” The words get caught in his throat and feel awkward as they come out. It’s stupid, he shouldn’t be here asking Bi these useless questions when the other is working hard for all of them. Bi must think the same thing too because he looks up eyes fiery, faced scrunched in a scowl.

“Chanwoo I don’t have time for your games, I’m busy. We’re going to need songs if we want a comeback and right now you’re using my time for something that won’t help anyone.”  Chanwoo clamps his mouth shut then, and turns to leave not before whispering an apology. What he does notice though is that the other didn’t answer the question at all. What did that mean? That he thought that Chanwoo was indeed too clingy? Or maybe not, maybe the fact is that he’s stressed and just wants peace to work. But Chanwoo can’t stop but help thinking that if it was someone else, any other member maybe, Bi would be more patient and gentle, would still ask them to leave him alone, but not in a way that leaves them breaking inside like Chanwoo is. 

The next person he sees is Jinhwan in the kitchen, probably about to prepare something. It only takes him a few short strides to reach him and he decides it’s better to do a test instead of merely asking. Words have a way to be twisted and shaped to mean something completely different once their spoken. He’s right behind the eldest now, close enough that he can wrap his arms around the other in a back hug. Jinhwan turns his head slightly to check who it is. 

“Jinhwan hyung,” Chanwoo mumbles into the elder’s shoulders.

“Yes?”

“Do you think I’m too clingy?” There, the question is out.

“Yes,” Jinhwan replies with a light tone airily not realising the downcast look on the younger’s face at his reply. 

“Really, I mean I’m not too bad right, I don’t try to be annoying, plus you’re always the one going around and hanging out with the other members why am I the clingy one?” words spew out of Chanwoo’s mouth before he can think and he wants to take them back but it’s irreversible. Jinhwan’s playfulness is changed into a more serious teasing as extracts himself out of the other’s arm. 

“Oh, so I’m the clingy one? I’m sorry who was the one giving me a back hug just now? And who keeps sitting on Bobby? And uses all the members as his personal mattress?” Jinhwan recounts more of Chanwoo’s actions, to him he’s happy their maknae is opening up and feels close to them but all Chanwoo hears are instances after instances of him being too clingy. Because that’s what Jinhwan is critiquing right? It’s why his face is set in a grimace and he’d pulled away from Chanwoo and pushed him away. Because what Junhwe said must be right. He’s become a burden to the others by always trying to do what he wants, oblivious to the feelings of s. He was too clingy. And he needed to stop. 

————————/——-/———————

Chanwoo had never thought about how much he relied on the members, even for seemingly simple things. In the car after a long day the exhaustion which had been kept at bay by a combinination of adrenaline and pure proffessionialism had left him leaving him bone weary. He could feel himself slipping away to sleep and all he wanted to do was lay down and surrender to the blissful relaxation. But the problem was that he was currently sitting in the middle seat of the van at the back. Which normally wouldn’t have been a problem because he would be able to use the members next to him as a makeshift pillow, but after what some of the others had said... he didn’t want to cause more of a burden to the shoulders of s who were currently as or even more tired than he was. 

Donghyuk and Yunhyeong were next to him. To the left Donghyuk was resting his head against the window, his eyes closed in an effort to catch a small nap before arriving back at their dorm. Yunhyeong was to his right scrolling through his phone despite the van being in pitch black darkness and struggling through a packed schedule. It would be so easy to just lay his head on one of their shoulders, join Donghyuk’s nap or use Yunhyeong since he was still awake. But the thoughts keep crashing and colliding in his head preventing him from moving. So instead he resigns himself to lean his head forward to rest on his chest knowing that he was sure to get a crick in his neck when they arrived. But it was a small price to pay if it meant making things easier for the others. 

The ride was going to be a long one, they were still pretty far away from arriving at their dorm so Yunhyeong was busy entertaining himself on his phone scrolling through his photos to decide on what to post for his Instagram. Staring at the glaring bright phone screen for too long was taking a toll on his eyes so he blinked and glanced around the vant to adjust his sight when he noticed Chanwoo sleeping in an awkward position, his neck bent down in what must surely be an uncomfortable position. He tsked before gently manuvoering the younger’s head to his shoulder, giving him a short massage to his neck. 

“Sleeping like that isn’t good for your posture,” he chides softly not wanting to disturb the other’s rest. Yunhyeong’s face morphed into confusion as to why Chanwoo didn’t just use his or Donghyuk’s shoulder from the start like he always does. It might’ve been because he was simply too exhausted from today’s schedule that he had immediately dozed off albeit in an uncomfortable position he tells himself.

Still, something isn’t quite right because when they arrive and Yunhyeong softly shakes Chanwoo awake, the other almost jumps in his seat before continuously murmuring apologies with his head slightly bowed. Chanwoo hastily scrambles to leave the car so that it’s only Yunhyeong left confused in the car. What was up with the maknae? What was he even apologising for? Yunhyeong makes a mental tab to keep an eye out for the maknae’s behaviour and to make sure that their youngest is alright.

———————/—————/——————

The strange behaviour only continues.

Their sofa isn’t large by any standards. Especially when considering it’s need to accomodate seven young adult males. However, the members always manage to make it work with lots of squeezing and sharing. They often become a tangled mess of legs and arms but it’s ok because at least everyone’s included. Which is how their movie watching nights usually go on as, a tangled mess of Ikon. 

Chanwoo was busy getting a few snacks  from the kitchen and when he arrived to the living room he was met with the usual sight of s all grouped on the sofa. He eyed a small spot next to Bobby only wide enough to fit half his body. If he tried prying himself into the small space he would have to end up throwing his legs over Bobby or his upper half next to Bi. 

The thought makes him shiver because he doesn’t want to be close to the others,  have to sit next to double b while they internally wish he had been sat somewhere else, not right next to them. He doesn’t want to annoy them with his ‘clingness,’ doesn’t want to strain their friendship, because the matter of fact is that he adores his bandmates. Loves them so much more than just normal friends, he feels a bond that can only be described as akin to family. Which makes it hurt all the more when he has to come to terms with the fact that it’s not mutual. But nonetheless he cares so deeply about them, he doesn’t want to make Bobby feel annoyed at having to be forced to deal with Chanwoo throwing his legs on him, or practically sitting on him half the time. He doesn’t want Bi to feel an itch on his shoulders because Chanwoo is resting his head on the other oblivious to the true feelings of the elder. Bi may be the leader but it’s prudent for Chanwoo to expect him to deal with all of his immature wishes. The thoughts make Chanwoo feel sick and want to itch at his skin because there’s a new sudden feeling of fear he’s never had with the rest of the members. The fear that he’s not liked. So he does something different. He sits in the floor instead at the base of the couch. 

He’s met with various stares of confusion from other members and an awkward silence which is only broken by Bobby. 

“Why are you on the floor?” he questions. Chanwoo turns around and gives the others a tight smile hoping to ward off incessant questioning.

“Oh its no problem, it’s gonna be a tight squeeze if I tried to add myself on the couch so I opted for the floor instead.” His response sounds fake and robotic to the others.

 “Are you sure? There’s enough space next to me,” Bobby gestures to the gap but Chanwoo merely shakes his head and stays planted in his spot turning back to the screen. Bobby reaches down to grab his arm but Chanwoo just shakes it away with a declaration that he’s fine. The members shared mutual confused glances over the clueless maknae, there is definitely something wrong with the maknae. But the question is what? The members try to continue to watch the movie, but their gazes and thoughts are focused solely on the solitary maknae sitting on the floor. 

————————/———/————————

After a few more similar incidents the others notice that something is definitely wrong with their maknae. It’s as if he’s split into two separate identities. When they’re on shows or performing he’s acting like normal. Chanwoo smiles adorably with his dimples on show at fan events or his face is set in determination as he exerts effort on dancing at music programs. And Chanwoo doesn’t stay away from them. He throws his arms around Bi’s shoulder, gives Jinhwan hugs, laughs around with Donghyuk, pranks Yunhyeong, pats Junhwe and even manages to tease Bobby. But when the cameras are off it’s as if Chanwoo peels away from them. He’s always interacting with them, it’s not like he’s avoiding them, but he seems so physically far away as if there’s a huge chasm separating him from the others. It’s confusing and painful, they don’t understand why Chanwoo seems to be acting so different. 

Chanwoo knows part of his job as an idol is to show the harmonious relationship between him and s, which is why despite knowing the true feelings of the other members he continues for fanservice. It’s tears him apart though. Acting happy with the members, the familiar skinship makes Chanwoo wistful at what he once had, an unblemished relationship with s. But now it seems like everything is contaminated. Because while a part of him misses the comfort and friendship of the others, another part of him aches that he can only find happiness in the falsity of their actions. It seems paradoxical. Chanwoo wants needs them, but it’s something that they can’t give. 

———————-/———-/————————

An emergency meeting is adjourned under the decision of the leader and the oldest member. Currently the older members; Bi, Jinhwan, Bobby and Yunhyeong have formed a circle in the living room floor after making sure that Chanwoo was out to discuss the strange actions that seemed to be plaguing their youngest. 

“I just don’t know what’s going on,” Bi confesses, his confusion written plainly on his face. The others are mirroring a similar expression. They’re bewildered. They have no idea why their maknae seems to have been replaced by a totally different person. It’s like he’s been separated into two personas, the endearing maknae on tv and a stanger off stage.

“It’s not that he’s been avoiding us per se, but there’s definitely something troubling him. It’s as if he has an invisible barrier that keeps him length away, from us,” Jinhwan observes.

“Yeah, I don’t know if this is related but a short while ago, before all of this was happening he asked me whether he was clingy, but that was during the stressful time that sajangnim wanted more songs since he rejected all the others. I was so stressed and tired, I snapped at him,” Bi shares with the group who listen intentively. “I know what I did probably worsened the situation but I don’t understand where he would’ve got these ideas from the first place.”

“He asked me the same thing too,” Jinhwan intercedes, “he hugged me and asked if he was clingy, I jokingly said that he was but I didn’t realise he was so serious about this issue. Truthfully I thought he was avoiding us because he was sulking but he’s obviously hurt.” 

“I have something similar, in the car he didn’t even rest on my shoulder and apologised when we arrived. I didn’t think anything of it then but now I see he’s pulling himself away,”  Yunhyeong adds to the list of growing scenarios.

 “And do you remember movie night?” Bobby adds, “I had a space next to me but he sat on the floor instead as if he was trying to avoid me.” The members nod at his conclusion. The fact is, they know Chanwoo’s been extracting himself from them but older membrers can’t make heads or tails of the situation because Chanwoo isn’t avoiding hanging out with them. He’s still joining in all the activities but it’s as if there’s an invisible forcfield that stops him from getting to close to the others. And it’s absurd. They miss their maknae. He’s so close yet he feels worlds away. 

There’s a silence that passes through the group as they think on what how to solve the problem. Donghyuk who was walking past noticed the strangely solemn faces on the older members asked what they were so seriously discussing. They each told him of their problems. After hearing each members story coupled with his own experience of the distant maknae the problem seemed to be obvious.

 “Well he obviously started acting different after asking you guys those questions so it must be something to do with his so called clinginess,” Donghyuk deduced. “Wait I’ll get Junhwe and see if he knows anything.”

 The other members wait as Donghyuk heads down to Junhwe’s room. When Donghyuk arrives back at the top level he’s pulling Junhwe by the arm muttering something that suspiciously sounds like ‘you’re such an idiot. A freaking idiot.’ Junhwe surprisingly doesn’t sassily retort anything back and shockingly seems to accept the criticism. The group circle widens and allows Donghyuk and Junhwe to join as Donghyuk states ‘I’ve found the culprit.’ 

“This idiot over here,” Donghyuk states gesturing towards Junhe “said something about Chanwoo being too clingy which was what obviously prompted all of these shenanigans.”

“I didn’t mean to offend him,” Junhwe defends “he was being really annoying using me like a personal pillow. Plus he was being really affectionate recently and I was wondering whether it was all fanservice. It’s nice he was opening himself to us but I didn’t want him to force himself.” 

“Well if you stated it like that I don’t understand why Chanwoo would’ve been so hurt?” Yunhyeong questions. 

“Well...” Junhwe starts “I may have also implied something about how it was weird he was clingy because he wasn’t as close to us as we are with each other, not that I meant it though, I only realised how it sounded after I said it,” he finishes eyes conveniently darting away from the members stares.

 “Junhwe!” Jinhwan screeches and Junhwe wants to run away from the murderous look in the elders eyes, in all the other members eyes well expect for Donghyuk who looks at him more pitifully like he’s an absolute idiot who’s just screwed up which in sense is kinda true. 

“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” Junhwe’s voice cracks and the anger in the others eyes dim.

“Yea we know but you’ve hurt him, it’s why he’s been so distant lately.” The pieces connect in Junhwe brain and his shared confusion on why Chanwoo seems world apart is answered. 

Bi reaches over to give him a comforting pat on the back, “don’t worry, it’s not only your fault. I’ve snapped at him and for it to get this bad means that we’re not sincere enough for him, we all need to work on it. Just sort this out first with him and then we’ll try to help.” Junhwe nods and leaves to go back downstairs to him room and sort out his thoughts.

“Hmm next time maybe we should include Donghyuk in these meetings,” Jinhwan states appraisingly at Donghyuk’s skill. 

“Took you guys long enough to realise it,” Donghyuk replies with a cheeky grin. 

——————

When Chanwoo enters back into the dorm the first thing he notices is Junhwe on the couch which spark up memories of their last awkward conversation. He moves towards past the living room to his room but Junhwe pats at the seat next to him so he moves toward the couch and sits, careful to leave a small gap. Junhwe seemingly ignores it and moves closer so that their legs are pressed together. 

“I’m sorry,” he states eyes focused in on Chanwoo’s own. 

“Umm, for what?” he questions though he has a sinking feeling he knows what it’s about. The members have been sharing knowing glances with each other and he can’t help but feeling he’s the centre of it all.

“The stupid things I said about you being clingy.” Junhwe starts and pauses as if arranging the words in his head, “I didn’t mean to make it seem like I, we, don’t care about you. We do; you’re one of our precious members. I was just being stupid and oblivious, you know I always spout things out before I think about them.“ Chanwoo tilts his head as a sign for Junhwe to continue. 

“I’m so happy that you were able to join team b to make us Ikon...” Chanwoo should be surprised that the other has already discovered the root of the problem, his fear that he’ll remain an outsider despite being in the same group but its Junhwe, and he understands him.

“And I was scared that you were forcing yourself to do all this skinship...” the phrase breaks Chanwoo from his internal monolguing.

“What?!? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” 

“Well I know it’s part of the job,” that phrase keeps coming back to haunt him, “but they’re a lot of people who lose friendships just trying to please the fans. Plus I really didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable with us if it was forced.”

“You’re an idiot.” Chanwoo states simply. Junhwe wonders to himself how many times he’s been called an idiot today, probably more times than should be normal. 

“I hang out with you guys not just because you’re my members but because I like you. Sure I fake some things in front of the camera but off camera there’s no reason for me to act. I know you guys have been through so many things together, had to struggle with the pain of debuting together but I hope that I can join the group not because I have to but because I want to.”

Junhwe in response to Chanwoo’s outpouring of feelings could only manage to eloquently state, “oh.” Its so quintessentially Junhwe that he can’t stop from grinning and throwing his legs over Junhwe.

“Does that mean I get my leg rest back?” Chanwoo says while smiling sweetly at Junhwe who realised he’s just been trapped by the evil maknae.

“Fine,” he replies, after all, this would be the least he could do for the other who had been suffering under his careless words. But to think of how quickly the younger had reversed the situation to his advantage. They surely had a deviously evil maknae he thought. Chanwoo whose head was resting on Junhwe’s head was still smiling his saccharine smile. Well he may be an evil maknae Junhwe thought, but nonetheless he was cute.

“Guys I sorted it out!” Junhwe hollered, “that means you can’t beat me up now, the maknae is back to adoring his amazing hyungs,” he gets a poke in his side and a whisper from Chanwoo that they weren’t that amazing and it wasn’t adoration, Junhwe merely ignores the jibe.

The other members slowly file in from their rooms where they had been waiting before the confrontation and join the two on the couch. It’s a tight fit like always but everyone’s there and Chanwoo in the centre has his legs thrown over Junhwe while his head is resting on Yunhyeong’s shoulder who claimed it after reminding Chanwoo of the lost opportunity in the car.  

“I’m sorry I’ve been acting so weird,” Chanwoo starts, the rest listen closely,

“it’s just because I didn’t want to force you guys to pretend to like me, if you guys wanted me to stay away I would’ve,” his voice cracks slightly. “I really really love all of you.”

Everything is fixed but they continue to stay on the couch a little longer relishing in each other’s presence until Jinhwan reminds everyone that it’s late and they have to make sure to be well rested for dance practice tomorrow. As the members leave back to their own room (and level) they each make sure to wish Chanwoo a goodnight.

Bobby tousles his hair with a signature bunny smile wishing him a goodnight, Chanwoo tries not to show how much he leans into the touch. Yunhyeong gives him a friendly pat on the back, his eyes raking over Chanwoo in an unasked question, Chanwoo nods to let the other know he’s okay. Junhwe whispers sorry again before he leaves while Donghyuk throws his arms around the younger reminding him that if he has 

any problems he could come to him as well as something about how he was better than the hyungs, to which Chanwoo can only grin back at because from what he’s heard Donghyuk has been the saviour from his problems so he replies with a smile and an of course. Donghyuk might be moving up the list to one of the best hyungs after this incident Chanwoo thinks to himself.

 His stream of thought is broken by Bi who grabs his shoulders and faces him straight on. His face is serious but his words are gentle. 

“I’m sorry I brushed you off earlier,” he doesn’t specify what he’s talking about but they know the issues they’re discussing.“I get so overwhelmed when I’m doing work,” he sounds frustrated and his hands are running through his hair but Chanwoo knows he’s only angry and disappointed in himself and Chanwoo wants to comfort the leader who has so much weight on his shoulders. 

“I’ll try not to snap too much but I hope you know how much I care for everyone on this team, no matter how angry I seem.”Chanwoo can’t get his voice to say anything so he nods and Bi satisfied cracks a grin and wishes the younger a goodnight.

Jinhwan is the now only one other than Chanwoo left in the room. He’s looking at the floor away from Chanwoo and Chanwoo recognises the guilt ridden on his face, he’s probably thinking of how he’d pushed Chanwoo away. He waits in silence for the older to talk first.

“Despite Bi being the leader I’m the oldest so it’s my job for me to make sure everyone’s alright... I’m sorry that you had to feel this way but I hope you know we, everyone, here loves you so much. I’m sorry I didn’t realise that you were serious and hurt.” His eyes are still boring into the ground so Chanwoo reaches for his arm, tugs on it so that Jinhwans eyes rise up to meet his own. Chanwoo gives the elder a small smile, it’s not much but it conveys the message. He receives a smile from Jinhwan in return. Jinhwan then spreads his arms open, an invitation for a hug. Chanwoo grins and hugs his (tiny) hyung relishing in the affection which has been starved of. 

“It was so hard trying trying to stay away from you guys,” Chanwoo mumbles into Jinhwans shoulder.

“I know we missed you too. So much...”

“Even with me being overly annoying with my hugs?” he questions but it’s not critically or bitter, it’s teasingly.

“What do you mean your hugs are great,” Jinhwan answers and Chanwoo wants to raise an eyebrow but he leaves it be. Everything is sorted out, it’s all good. Plus he was surely going to milk this for all this was worth.

.........................................................................

“Chanwoo get off me!”

“What happened to appreciating and loving you’re adorable maknae?”

“I take that back, get off me! When we were figuring things out we didn’t realise you were going to become a leech!”

“Sorry hyung but I’m just showing my love.”

“By sitting on me?!?” 

“Hey it’s just a little payback, you don’t even have it that bad, you should’ve seen what I did to the others, I stuck to some of them for a day, seriously a whole day.” 

“What did I do to deserve such a rebellious maknae?”

“What hyung, you want me to stay away and become sad and lonely again having to worry about never getting accepted into the group?”

“Fine, ok, I’ll keep quiet, no need to guilt trip me. Hmph. I didn’t realise your love came so overfloweringly”

“I’m going to smother you with my love.”

“Oh great.”