“Hey Tzu-” “Shut up.” “Wha-” “One full word from you per day is more than enough, so shhh.” Yup… that seems about right. Just another typical scenario within the walls of TWICE’s dormitory. You see, TWICE wouldn’t be ‘TWICE’ without nine ethereal beauties, God-given talents, and some crackhead-like shenanigans that shortens their leader’s lifespan with each passing day. Getting wrecked for absolutely no reasons is a good example, actually, even though it’s relatively common. Such bullsh*ttery is expected to occur at least five times a day, since it is deemed as a particular member’s… peculiar hobby, after-all. “Yah- can’t you stop your savagery for like, five seconds?” Yoo Jeongyeon snaps before rolling her eyes at the laughing bystanders. “And to the b*tches over there- stop encouraging her bad behaviour, oi! I bet you guys won’t be laughing when she takes the piss out of you next time!” “But what’s with that stupid question, anyways?” the verbal assailant meets everyone’s expectations by replying with a very punch-able smirk, thoroughly enjoying the chaotic energy she has created. “You should’ve known all this by now, but of course the sight of you suffering is far too entertaining for me to stop, plus I’m already attached to my ‘Savage Master’ nickname.” “Are you serious- that nickname sounds dumb as hell!” “Whatever you say, Judgy McJudgerson.” “You’re not even supposed to like it ‘cause it only means you’re rude as !” “Well it sounds to me like somebody’s jealous.” “I- you know what, you’re doing a fantastic job at keeping that title, sweetie.” “Thanks babe, now can you do us all a favour and shut up already?” “Oh you gigantic piece of sh-” Ladies and gentlemen (and everyone in between), introducing TWICE’s evil maknae, Chou Tzuyu. From earning the top spot as the world’s most beautiful face in 2019 to getting compared with green boi Master Yoda, her incredible range and praiseworthy talents have successfully caught herself the attention of millions, making it six years and counting since she has tricked the public into believing she’s one of the tamest, most introverted and soft-spoken idols to exist within the industry. Yup, that’s right. Ya’ll es got bamboozled and you don’t even know it. Her ‘accidentally savage’ moments are actually hoaxes created by the one and only Chou Tzuyu herself, thriving off of the misconception that her straightforwardness is merely a result of her limited Korean vocabulary… even though she’s completely fluent in the language. It’s been nine whooping years since she first moved to South Korea, for ’s sake. She’s probably more fluent in Korean than her own mother tongue by now. The cheeky bastard utilises her thick accent (which is purely acting) to deceive people into thinking she hasn’t improved much, when in reality she has already gone above and beyond by perfecting their military language and Sageuk vocabulary; if she can talk like she’s in a historical drama without breaking a sweat, you bet your she can talk flawlessly in a nicer manner- it’s just a matter of whether if she wants to or not. Nobody knows when, where nor why this questionable hobby of hers came to existence, but Tzuyu has been dissing her members as if her rent’s due. She’ll target whichever unfortunate soul crosses her mind first, regardless if they’ve actually done something in the past to deserve getting flamed. Take Yoo Jeongyeon for example, who literally became the latest victim before your very own eyes. She initially approached Tzuyu with good intentions, wanting to ask if she’s planning on taking a shower soon or not. Sure, that sounds weird as more than anything else, but Jeongyeon only wanted to know because of her sudden yet incredible urge to scrub down the entire bathroom, meaning she just wanted to clean out of kindness (and most likely OCD) but instead she found herself transforming into a roasted piece of marshmallow on a goddamn campfire. However, even when their lives sound absolutely depressing, there’s still hope for the non-Tzuyu TWICE members- Because there’s a single person within the group who remains unscathed to this day, even when Tzuyu’s been tormenting her friends for a while now. Yes, that means not once has Tzuyu ever won against this individual, and she’s not going easy on purpose, either. In fact, she tries extra hard (as in she’d put every single nerve and brain cell to work) just to act mean or savage towards that particular female, yet she’d always end up with the same old fate: her vocal cords would abruptly develop a mind of its own and she’d become mute until she’s at least 5 metres (16.4 feet) away from her special target, making her believe she’s either suffering from an unknown terminal illness, she’s in a K-pop group with an undercover witch, or there’s an on-going glitch in the Matrix… the concept of ‘gay-panicking’ never crossed her mind, as you can tell. Even if it did, she would never accept it because she’s Chou Tzuyu, and Chou Tzuyu would never simp for another human being. Why would anyone fall for a girl who’s kind, affectionate, elegant, adorable, stunning, talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular, never the same, and totally unique like that one particular member, anyways? That’d be absolutely preposterous, right? Yeah… thank God she’s smart in other areas. Truth to be told, there were multiple instances where things had gone so disastrous (to the point of curling up into a ball and hiding under her bed sheets for a couple of hours etc.), Tzuyu has honestly considered quitting this hobby of hers and start behaving like a decent human being at last. Now, that’d be the absolute dream for seven other girls, but unfortunately it has never gotten to that point yet; their maknae’s far too stubborn and dumb to actually call it quits, plus her determination has recently sky-rocketed now that a brand-new year has begun. 2019, the year of Momo, Chou Tzuyu pledges to herself and her 3000 pets that she’s going to step up her game. She trusts that as long as her love for her members’ pain exists, she will claim her title as the Savage Master™ soon… But first she’ll have to break her curse and defeat the ultimate boss, Myoui Mina. “And I oop- there she goes again.” “Bruh, this is already her third attempt of the day.” “I’m slightly impressed, not going to lie.” “What, by her ridiculously thick skin?” “Yeah I mean, could you?” “Ppft, I’m not an idiot like her, unnie.” Upon catching their youngest School Meal Club member buffering mid-approach, Kim Dahyun immediately slaps one hand over while the other nudges her Bro, struggling to contain her giggles; she finds it hilarious (and somewhat dumbfounding) that Tzuyu has managed to trick the public when she has no filter whatsoever- meaning she displays every single thought on her face without a fail, and currently it’s high-key screaming for help. Perhaps the public’s too naïve and dumb. Perhaps Dahyun’s a mind-reader. No one will ever know. It is relatively normal for Tzuyu’s brain to go blank when she’s around that specific person, though. Even if she denies it out of ego-issues (which she has done in the past, only to have started a full-on food war in the dining room because a single snort accidentally escaped out of Chaeyoung’s nose), anyone with at least one functioning eyeball can tell just how flustered she becomes whenever Myoui Mina’s in the picture. No wonder her verbal assaults are quick to get treated like farts by all of her victims. This ain’t slick at all. Son Chaeyoung reluctantly looks up from her drawing after the fourth nudge, only sparing Dahyun one (1) dramatic eye-roll before resuming back to her business; it seems like she’s 100% done with her fellow maknae’s shenanigans at this point, knowing damn well how the outcome will never change unless a God-given miracle occurs. Her foul mood is easily sensed by her dutiful Bro, who wastes no time trying to cheer her up. Dahyun grabs a random piece of paper in hopes to join in on the art session… but just as fast as her will to help, she quickly gets side-tracked by her playfulness and ends up snatching Chaeyoung’s pencil right out of her tiny lil’ tattooed hand instead of borrowing another one like a normal person. Understandably, that causes Chaeyoung to raise a hand in preparation to slap a b*tch for almost ruining her masterpiece, but before she can move another muscle, she finds herself staring at a 2-second ‘drawing’ that consists of nothing but the words ‘SOFTIE TZUYU BIGGEST SIMP 2019 <3’. Turns out, Dahyun’s actually a genius who gets sh*t done efficiently. Since Tzuyu-roasting is one of Chaeyoung’s top guilty pleasures in life, that alone is enough for the tiger cub to finally crack a smile. Her smile causes Dahyun to smile, which creates an endless loop of joy that will end up torturing their facial muscles for grinning like two idiots. However, even though the pale one’s happy for her Bro, she’s also feeling pretty bad for using Tzuyu as sacrifice. She is nicknamed ‘Tofu’ for both her pale complexion and her softie personality, hence she’s never the one to be mean. The guilt is bugging her so much, she’s now making a mental note to never use her friends as jokes ever again… … Just kidding, she’s already hooked on this sh*t. “Tzuyu should honestly call it quits before she embarrasses herself any further, ‘cause the second-hand embarrassment is getting hard to bear.” “Damn unnie, have you been secretly taking dissing lessons from her or what? That was straight-up murder.” “I guess it rubs off on you after a while… but does this make me the Savage Master Jr.?” “Uh… I really don’t think you’d want that as your nic-” “Oh snap, she’s finally going for it!” “What- she accomplished nothing this entire time?!” Facts, but now the show’s finally starting. Tzuyu approaches her target with extreme caution until she’s standing directly behind the girl’s seat, staring down at her with a sad-attempt of a glare. Her looming presence is pretty hard to miss, hence Mina can now be seen pausing her YouTube video, removing her AirPods, and tilting her head backwards in an adorable yet unconventional manner just to spot her unexpected visitor. Thank God Tzuyu’s tall as or else Mina would’ve pulled a muscle somewhere. Their eyes meet, and boom- Sparks fly. Wedding bells ring. Everything’s suddenly in slow-motion. Just kidding. The only thing that’s ringing is the panic alarm within Chou Tzuyu’s head. She basically turns to stone when she gets blasted by Mina’s beauty, commencing an accidental stare-off now that she can no longer control her body. The Japanese female, on the other hand, can’t help but to ironically ooze out adoration for the girl who’s actually there to square up, further strengthening her blind-fool status by greeting Tzuyu with her sweet, sweet cotton-candy-like voice. “Yes, Tzuyu-ah?” Mina coos while batting her long eyelashes, instantly losing their staring competition but winning their mental game by a landslide… without even knowing about either of their existences. “Go on, unnie’s listening…” But Tzuyu does not, in fact, go on. Rather, she go yeet. … No seriously, Tzuyu’s already fleeing the scene as we speak. It’s quite remarkable how Mina’s both the cause and the cure to Tzuyu’s frozen state, really. It’s even more remarkable how nonchalant Mina is whenever something like this happens (quick reminder, this is Tzuyu’s third attempt of the day- 13,420,069th since she first started) and today’s no exception; she merely shrugs her shoulders before resuming back to her tutorial video on crochet. It’s thanks to their interactions (or the lack of) that Dahyun revokes any forms of self-restraint, now laughing her lil’ pale off and gradually falling sideways until her Bro turns into a spontaneous crash mat; Chaeyoung does nothing (‘cause she can’t do anything with a Kim Dahyun still squishing her) but release a soft sigh, baffled by the fact that she didn’t expect anything from Tzuyu and yet she’s still disappointed. Speaking of the disappointing one, she has already escaped into her bedroom and is currently smushing her face into her pillows, desperately trying to smother herself to death since death is apparently more tolerable than cringing herself to insomnia for the next couple of nights. She had stormed in and flung herself onto her bed so fast, she didn’t even notice how Sana’s actually present in the room as well, having made herself comfortable on Dahyun’s bed and is currently online-shopping out of pure boredom. At least the older girl’s smart enough to keep quiet and pretend like she doesn’t exist. She’d much rather be treated as a ghost than a human punching bag. Still, even though she’s constantly collecting fat Ls, embarrassing herself in front of the other members, and suffering to the point she’d love to cancel her long-term subscription to life, Chou Tzuyu remains dead set on turning the elegant black swan into a roasted black swan. Sure, she has yet to figure out how the she’s going to get there, but at least her determination’s still going strong… which is honestly an applaudable feat itself considering all the times she wanted to throw herself out of their four-storey high balcony and peace out on the spot. She doesn’t have a choice, actually. If she still wants to secure her title as the grand Savage Master™, taking Myoui Mina down is a must. “I seriously don’t get it.” Park Jihyo abruptly mutters as she takes a seat across from Jeongyeon, maintaining a gaze towards the living room as they chill in the dining room. “Why on Earth is Tzuyu so persistent with that weird goal of hers? It’s not like Mina has wronged her in the past or anything.” “Girl, it’s Chou Tzuyu you’re talking about here- of course it’s weird as hell.” Jeongyeon snickers at her own reply and gains an unamused look back. “But do you know what confuses me even more? How the heck does Mina remain this oblivious to everything and still come out on top?” “Well, given how overly-pure and ignorant she is for her own good, it’s a goddamn miracle if you ask me…” Nayeon concludes before stuffing full of crisps, only to choke uncontrollably (with Jeongyeon immediately laughing at her) when she spots some distant movements. In order to give Tzuyu her full attention this time, Mina pauses her Netflix series before whipping her head around to face her. Being the dongsaeng-enthusiast she obviously is, her eyes automatically arch into two crescent moons upon meeting Tzuyu’s… all the while being completely unaware of how that’s literal torture since Tzuyu’s heart is now on the brink of bursting out of her chest and declaring its self-dependency, even if she’ll straight-up die a few seconds later. Vive la révolution. “Did you need something from me, Tzuyu-ah?” “I uh… you u-um…” “Are you feeling unwell? Your face is pretty red.” “H-Huh?” Taking Tzuyu (and their secret audience) by surprise, Mina suddenly extends a hand out and reaches for her dongsaeng’s face- Not because she’s magically entranced by the girl’s beauty and can no longer control herself, but to check her temperature purely out of concern. Get your mind out of the gutter, you delulus. Just kidding this is literally a freakin’ fanfic. Get your head back into the gutter. MiTzu for life. But to Mina’s surprise this time, Tzuyu jumps backwards before she can even get close, demonstrating great social-distancing practises by remaining out of reach (a/n: to all the future readers, Google ‘2020’ to see what you lucky bastards have missed out on and why it’s a miracle that you exist). Yes, Tzuyu knows that Mina was acting out of kindness, but at the same time she really doesn’t want to die from a heart attack at the young age of 21. She’d rather get struck by 100 lightning bolts back-to-back than for her gravestone to be carved with ‘Cause of Death: Gay-Panicked Too Damn Hard’. Her soul would never rest if that’s the case. The last thing she’d want is to get stuck on Earth as a ghost for 81 years until a sketchy witch resurrects her… if you know, you know. Back in the dining room, two particular members are now cackling like a pair of crackhead hyenas, blatantly enjoying the sight of Tzuyu suffering. They’re enjoying it so much, they fail to notice when Jihyo shakes her head slightly and rapidly at the same time, looking as if she’s having a . The leader isn’t acting like a madman just because she suddenly feels like it, though. She’s actually warning Dumb and Dumber about Tzuyu’s approach… but to no avail. Karma’s just that persistent on ing ‘em up, and her friends are just too dumb to save themselves. “The hell are you old hags cackling for, huh?” the Savage MasterTM snaps as soon as she reaches the table, scaring the duo sh*tless with her ‘sudden’ appearance. “You better watch yourselves or else I’ll dump your asses straight into a retirement home, you hear me?!” “What, is it illegal to laugh now?” Jeongyeon actually fights back (‘cause usually she wouldn’t even bother), sounding like a mother who’s scolding her rebellious teen for giving her an attitude while living under her roof. “You don’t get to dump your anger on us just because you’re pissed-off, you know.” “Oh come on, there’s no need to be so harsh on her, Jeong~” Nayeon butts in as quickly as she can, anointing herself as damage control in spite of being the least suitable candidate out of the entire planet. “She’s just an embarrassed kid who’s struggling to accept failure, we’ve all been there. Let’s just be the bigger person and laugh it off like we usually do, hmm?” … See? “Still, we don’t deserve to get treated like crap whenever she’s throwing a fit!” “Please, she looks like a kitten that’s pretending to be a tiger.” “This isn’t the time to be babying her, Nabongs!” “BUT SHE IS BABY, YOO JEONGYEON.” “THIS IS WHY SHE HAS THE AUDACITY TO TREAT US LIKE SH*T, YOU BRAINLESS BI-” Unfortunately, their open discussion about Tzuyu- right in front of Tzuyu- isn’t helping anyone. In fact, the Taiwanese girl’s now steaming from both ears, looking like she’s ready to slice someone in half with a green lightsaber. To showcase her anger and claim all of their attention at once, she proceeds to slam a hand down onto the dining table whilst leaning her face towards the girls, successfully shutting the duo up but accidentally triggering an innocent Jihyo to almost piss herself on the spot. “For ’s sake, quit yapping like two b*tches and stop treating me like a lil’ kid already! You two are not my parents and I will make you regret your mums’ conceivement if you dare to make fun of me one more time! I’ll make sure you guys won’t be getting the last laugh- mark my words!” And with such an aggressive warning, it’s no wonder the Korean trio are now dead silent… For a total of ten seconds only. Look, Jihyo really tried to take her seriously, but then she realised how Tzuyu’s behaving like a child who’s trying to prove she’s already a ‘big girl’. Nayeon still sees Tzuyu as an adorable baby, so her ‘little tantrum’ merely turns her into an adorable baby who has anger issues- which she still loves. Jeongyeon’s the only one who’s not confusing Tzuyu with laughter right now… but that’s only because she zoned out after the word ‘yapping’ and has yet to return to reality; it’s actually a habit she developed after experiencing Tzuyu’s disses one too many times, so honestly you can’t blame her. Since the poor thing had actually tried her best to sound as intimidating as she can, it’s no wonder that Tzuyu’s brain is failing to function properly. At least that gives Jihyo the perfect opportunity to step in before any more fuel is added to the fire, embracing her leader/nanny/mother/babysitter role to their fullest. “I know it’s frustrating when you try so hard but you don’t succeed, Tzuyu-ah, but it’s also not okay to use your innocent unnies as punching bags… especially when I might’ve figured out why you’re struggling against Mina so much.” In the blink of an eye, she finds herself getting engulfed within three bodies, all being far too eager to receive her tea. Tzuyu’s intense glare is piercing through her skull, while Nayeon’s practically breathing down her neck at this point. Heck, Jeongyeon’s doing both of those at the same time. She ends up shooing them back to their original spots (with Tzuyu officially joining them and taking the seat to her right) to redeem her much-needed personal space, but before she can even part her lips to talk again, Dumb and Dumber takes control of the chat and commences a sudden negotiation. “Here’s the deal, kiddo.” Jeongyeon speaks up first and grabs hold of the girl’s hands, triggering Tzuyu to make a face of disgust before she pushes them away. “If you want to hear what Jihyo has to say, you need to promise you’ll spare the three of us from all future savagery.” “Hold up- why are you making the calls when I’m the one with information?!” Jihyo immediately butts in with an offended gasp, “Also, you’re just going to exclude the rest of our members like that? For absolutely no reasons either? I thought you’d care about Momo at least, you heartless monster!” “Please, we’re here dealing with the devil and they’re not contributing sh*t.” “And who asked you to start this negotiation?!” “It was Im Nayeon, your Honour.” “Wha- you were the one who came up with this idea, b*tch!” “Anyways, deal or no deal, Ms. Savage Master?” “Don’t you dare ignore me now, Yoo Jeongyeon!” “Gosh, you two are giving me a headache…” Unexpectedly (since Tzuyu’s already dying of curiosity with a heartbeat of 120 BPM), she hesitates to answer. She’s not really bothered by the sudden request itself, but rather the people involved in the said-request. The oldest duo are her favourite targets, after-all, so to grant them permanent immunity will a lot. But at the same time, she knows just how big, y, and trustworthy Jihyo’s brain is. If she can lead eight other crackheads in a ed-up industry for six years and counting, she can probably solve world hunger, climate change and every other existing issue on planet Earth- singlehandedly if she’s given a nice holiday prior. ONCEs don’t call her ‘God Jihyo’ for nothing, m’kay? Also, even though Tzuyu’s hopelessly stubborn, the girl ain’t stupid. With all the Ls she’s been collecting, she knows she’ll need all the help she can get if she wants to succeed before they retire as grandmas. She’ll become a bigger idiot than Nayeon and Jeongyeon if she chooses not to hear Jihyo out- and that’s literally one of her worst nightmares. Hence, Chou Tzuyu reluctantly mumbles out an agreement that instantly triggers Dumb and Dumber to celebrate their newly-obtained freedom. Park Jihyo is left to grumble to herself like a grumpy old lady who’s husband is long gone, hates children, and wants to watch the world burn. However, since Jihyo is their leader (who must be mentally-mature and responsible), she ultimately dismisses her annoyance for the sake of progress. She’s pretty eager for their maknae to clarify some of her spicy speculations, anyways. “Okay Tzuyu, I need you to answer one simple question before I reveal what I have in mind.” “I usually charge people ₩10,000 for each question, but I’ll make it an exception this time.” “Gee thanks aren’t you kind- so how do you feel whenever you look at Mina?” Karma’s definitely a b*tch- But she’s a fair one. Because not only does Tzuyu look like the confused math lady meme, Nayeon and Jeongyeon are looking like a pair of bamboozled idiots themselves. Such a priceless sight makes up for all the bullsh*t Jihyo has ever endured for the team, and no longer does she feel salty for being used as bait. Actually… never-mind. The salt is still very much there. She’s just nice enough to temporarily put it aside. She’d still slap a b*tch or two if the chance is given. “Um…” the Taiwanese female visibly struggles from a mixture of confusion and embarrassment, uncertain to where this conversation is going. “I think I feel… a little suffocated? Like it’s all tight and… a bit uncomfortable on the inside…?” “Do you secretly hate Mina, you evil lil’ sh*t?!” Jeongyeon instantly splutters, only to receive a glare from Jihyo. “What? It’s possible!” “Just leave the interrogating to me, unnie.” the leader hisses aggressively before baffling the crap out of Jeongyeon by doing a 180°, now arching out a soft smile for the youngest member. “Anyways sweetie, where exactly do you feel the suffocation? Be as specific as you can, please.” “My… my lungs? And my chest area… sometimes?” “Oh baby Jesus- are you dying?!” “Uh, no? What kind of drugs are you on, Na-” “Do you want us to call an ambulance and get your to the ER, or are you more comfortable with me calling Pinky-oppa and have him act as your personal Uber for the night? Have you had the chance to write your will yet and am I included within it?? If not then why the f-” Honestly… Im Nayeon’s just one unlucky bastard. If Jeongyeon hadn’t used up all of Jihyo’s patience beforehand, she wouldn’t have received the combo of a scolding and a violent forehead-flick. Alas, there she sits with a fresh, all-natural bindi decorating her face, the stinging sensation (and the annoying laughter beside her) worsening her mood by the second; she had to mutter a bunch of curse words under her breath just to comply to Jihyo when she asks them to huddle up towards the centre of the dining table, knowing very well how rebelling against their almighty leader will never be a good idea, regardless of the conditions. The mini group now looks ridiculously suspicious from afar, but luckily the only person nearby is being far too concentrated on her TV show to notice. Jihyo also doesn’t torture them with the suspense for too long, though she does amp up their curiosity by whispering her words as if they’re top secret. “Your answers lead me to one conclusion only, because when your breath gets taken away and you catch your heart skipping beats… … It means you’re in love with her, Tzuyu-ah.” For the first time in forever, the most chaotic members of TWICE are remaining dead-silent for more than two minutes at a time. Such a grand reveal is definitely a shocker, but it’s especially so for the Taiwanese female even when they’re literally her feelings. She honestly didn’t know those were symptoms of having a crush due to having so little experience in regards to romance, which directly correlates to the fact she’s one blind-, dumb- fool who’d probably assume she’s allergic to Mina before ever considering the possibility of lo- “Jihyo?” Speaking up so abruptly that she somehow