i.

Taehyung is lying down on his back, looking up at their ceiling fan in the living room and watching as dust motes float down, the incandescent light guiding their w3ay.

 

He can hear Jimin’s soft exhalations below him on the floor, and he thinks he can hear Jin grumbling under his breath in the kitchen as he grabs pots and pans for dinner, Jungkook puttering in the kitchen with him and murmuring comfortingly as he tries to calm their eldest hyung down from his hangry mood.

 

He imagines that Yoongi is in his room, on his bed, laying back like Tae is, scrolling through his phone, hair still wet from his shower and probably wearing nothing but a towel. He can hear Hoseok in the shower and he smiles absentmindedly as he hears faint humming.

 

And Namjoon?

 

Well, Taehyung would like to pretend like every fiber of his being isn’t aware of Joon’s soft, sleepy muttering, like he isn’t vibrating from the warmth and weight of Joon’s arm over his waist, like he isn’t inscribing the feeling of Joon’s soft puffs of air against his neck into his mental diary of All Things Joon.

 

Taehyung has always been honest with himself, so it would be a lie to not be aware that he is lying there, pretending to still be asleep, so he can remain against his Namjoon-hyung for a little bit longer.

 

He has to suppress a groan when he hears Jin calling for them to come and eat because dinner is ready, and he closes his eyes again as he deepens his breathing to feign sleep once more.

 

Jungkook bursts into the living room and Taehyung opens his eyes slightly, just enough to peer through his lashes, and sees Jungkook poking at Jimin’s back with his foot, softly saying, “Wake up, Jimin-hyung,” before kicking him hard on his and giggling madly as Jimin startles awake with a squeak and a frightened “Yah!”

 

Taehyung smiles and opens his eyes fully, chuckling at Jungkook’s antics and Jimin’s sleep-mussed hair and wild eyes as Jimin attempts to tackle their maknae.

 

He abruptly stops chuckling, though, as he feels Joon stirring against him, smacking his lips sleepily, before murmuring, “What’s happening?”

 

Tae knows he has a fond smile on his face as he lifts his hand to run it through Joon’s hair, “Jungkook came to wake us up for dinner and got side-tracked bothering Jiminie.”

 

Joon chuckles against Tae’s neck and Tae wants to die, because surely nothing can be better than being in the embrace of a sleepy Joon?

 

“Of course our Jungkookie did. I guess we should get up then, hm?”

 

Tae wants to protest, wants to tell Joon that they should just stay here forever, but he forces a smile back on his face and says cheerily, “Yes, hyung, otherwise Jin-hyung might roast us for dinner instead.”

 

Namjoon chuckles again as he sits up and leans back against their couch, and Taehyung sits up as well, hiding just how cold he feels now without Joon up against him. He watches his hyung run his fingers through his fading pink hair before rubbing his eyes and yawning.

 

Taehyung unconsciously yawns as well then smiles as his hyung’s eyes come back to rest on him, “Are you still sleepy, Tae-ah?”

 

He shakes his head, “I napped well, hyung, don’t worry. I just yawned because you yawned.”

 

“Ah, I see. Do you want to wash up and wake up first or should I?”

 

“You can go ahead, hyung. I think Hobi-hyung just got out of the bathroom anyways.”

 

“Hm, I’ll just shower later and wash up now, I think. I’m still too sleepy not to just end up sleeping in the tub and you heathens wouldn’t leave me anything to eat then, would you?”

 

Tae laughs, eyes fond as he looks at Namjoon’s sleep-flushed face, “No, not even a crumb, hyung.”

 

“That’s what I thought, brat.”

 

He watches Namjoon get up and walk slowly to their bathroom, and then he collapses against the couch, trying to absorb the leftover warmth his hyung’s body had left on the couch.

 

But it’s gone, and Taehyung is wide awake now.

 

He glances back up at the ceiling, trying to watch the dust float down again to calm himself, but his mind is racing, trying to catalogue every moment of his experience of napping with Namjoon, and his heart is pounding in his ears.

 

He thinks he vaguely hears Jungkook call his name, but he ignores it in favor of closing his eyes and letting out a deep exhalation before opening his eyes and coming back to the real world once more.

 

Taehyung is smiling again as he sits down at the dinner table, laughing as he helps set down the plates, teasing Jimin for his orange hair sticking straight up since it’s still full of product from their jacket shooting earlier that morning – and when they’re all sitting at the table, eating and laughing, Tae seated right across from Namjoon, he is like he is always: calm, cheerful, slightly ditzy, and stumbling over words in his excitement.

 

Nothing on the surface reveals how there is an ocean of love for his hyung just below.

 

And that’s just how he likes it.

 

ii.

 

It’s the night before their newest album releases, and Taehyung is vibrating with excitement.

 

He’s lying in bed, alone, and the bed across from him is empty, and the moonlight is slanting through his blinds and suddenly it’s too much pretense.

 

He sits up and closes his eyes, trying to heighten his senses so he can hear what all is happening.

 

152655553369. can hear the deep rumble of Yoongi’s voice, mixed with Jin’s voice, and he knows they're drinking together in their room, talking through their anxiety for their album release. He hears Jimin’s soft giggling and Hoseok’s loud laughter and thinks he can hear Jungkook’s echoing laugh, and knows they’re in the living room, probably watching a movie and avoiding thinking about tomorrow.

 

But where is Namjoon?

 

He glances over at the other bed, like maybe he had missed his hyung slipping into their room and falling asleep, but the bed is empty and still made from that morning.

 

Taehyung sighs softly as he shifts and moves to get out of his bed, slipping on his socks before his feet hit the cold floor.

 

He ruffles his blond locks and absentmindedly hums the tune of their chorus for Blood, Sweat, and Tearsas he walks out of their room and towards the coat closet. He puts on his coat and slips on his shoes before grabbing his keys and heading out the front door, the others unaware since they look to be too busy flinging popcorn at each other and laughing to hear Tae walk out.

 

Taehyung shivers slightly as the night air hits him and quickly zips up his coat before he heads towards the stairs and starts walking up, already heading towards the roof access door, knowing his hyung must be there.

 

He’s not disappointed when he finally walks through the door to the roof, finding his hyung leaning against the edges of the roof, staring up at the full moon, his puffs of breath visible in the cold air.

 

Tae smiles, taking in his beautiful hyung’s silhouette, before he determinedly walks over and, once he’s close enough, he asks, “What are you still doing out, hyung?”

 

Namjoon startles and turns to him with wide eyes before he relaxes and sheepishly smiles, “Taehyung, I’m sorry, I got too caught up in my thoughts.”

 

He shakes his head and steps closer, grabbing Joon’s hands into his own and rubbing warmth into them, ignoring how his heart starts beating faster, and chides fondly, “Joonie, you shouldn’t be so irresponsible. We have an early schedule tomorrow and it’s almost midnight! You’re going to catch a cold at this rate, and then what will we do without our leader?”

 

Joon chuckles and softly asks, “You would take care of me though, won’t you, Tae-ah?”

 

He feels blood rushing to his cheeks but he stoically looks up into his hyung’s eyes and smiles calmly, “Of course, and you would start calling me the hyung, won’t you, Joon-ah?”

 

Namjoon bursts out laughing and says, “Yah! Such a disrespectful dongsaeng. Come on, we shouldn’t both get a cold then. Let’s go back inside.”

 

They walk back together, hands brushing against each other occasionally as they stumble down the stairs, both content in the comfortable silence that settles between them.

 

Once they’re back in their dorms, Taehyung wordlessly pushes Namjoon towards the bathroom before he slips out of his coat and shoes and heads back into their room. He pushes their beds together and lays down on his bed, body turned towards Namjoon’s bed and lays down quietly as he waits for his hyung to come.

 

Soon enough, the door clicks open and Namjoon walks in, not bothering to turn on the light, using only the moonlight to shove off his clothes and slip into his pajamas before pushing off his bed sheet and climbing into his bed.

 

Taehyung doesn’t say a word as he scoots in closer, waiting for Namjoon to grab him so they can cuddle.

 

He isn’t disappointed when that arm falls around his waist and pulls him in until his head is resting against Namjoon’s chest and Namjoon’s hand is softly his back.

 

Tae counts Namjoon’s steady heartbeats to a 100 before he whispers into the dark, “I’m scared, hyung.”

 

Namjoon’s arm tightens around him before relaxing, and then Tae feels the rumble and vibrations against his cheek as he replies, “It will be okay, Tae-ah. Hyung promises.”

 

Taehyung nods and smiles, feigning like he was on the brink of sleep, and waits for Namjoon to actually fall asleep before his eyes open and his smile drops.

 

He’s scared about tomorrow, yes.

 

There’s a lot riding on this album. It’s their first solos, and Taehyung is terrified about what their fans will think of his voice, of his song, of his performance, of their choreography, of their theme, their story, what they’re trying to convey…

 

But he’s even more scared of things changing.

 

He’s scared that there will come a day when they won’t have opportunities to be together like this, when Taehyung will have nothing but memories… and he will have to make do with those.

 

Because this and the memories are all he can ever have… and he hates when his mind tricks him into thinking there’s the possibility of more.

 

Because… for just a moment, on the roof, Namjoon’s eyes were so intense and it didn’t seem like it was just fondness reflected in them.

 

But he imagined it. Like he always has.

 

So… Taehyung is scared. But he’ll deal with it.

 

He always has.

 

iii.

 

They’re in America, and Taehyung is starstruck.

 

He remembers coming here before – so long ago, but not really that long ago at the same time – yet it’s so different this time. Because people know him, and they have interviews to attend, and is this what being famous is?

 

Is it having people scream at the sight of him, of celebrities he’s only seen on screens sneak peeks at him and whisper, of having eyes watch him and wonder just what he’s doing here?

 

Is that… fame?

 

He nuzzles into Jimin’s neck and let’s Jimin’s hands through his locks as they huddle together in their car on the way back to their hotel.

 

He can hear Yoongi and Hoseok murmuring together, something about possible collaborations and who would fit their music best, and he fondly smiles at his hyungs’ dedication to working hard for themselves and ARMY. He also hears Jin playfully teasing Jungkook as they play some game together on their phones.

 

He stills silently as he metaphorically perks his ears to hear Namjoon, relaxing only when he can hear the tinny tunes coming from Namjoon’s headphones.

 

Taehyung cuddles even closer into Jimin, inhaling his warm vanilla body wash, mixed with sweat and some cologne their stylist must have sprayed on him, and he hums softly, letting himself relax against his soulmate.

 

Jimin is uncomplicated, and Taehyung’s mind stills around him, and that makes it easier when he doesn’t want to think about Namjoon’s skills – the way Namjoon straightens and asserts himself, the way he takes control in every situation, the way he confidently talks and translates in one breath for them, trying his best to help his clueless groupmates while also figuring out what to do on the fly.

 

He doesn’t want to think about the way Namjoon filled out his suit, or the way his dimples peeked out when he was thanking ARMYs, and he just… doesn’t want to think about Namjoon at all.

 

Taehyung huffs softly and tries to bury himself even further into Jimin, only for Jimin to giggle and ask, “What are you doing, Tae? It tickles!”

 

He doesn’t reply, just shrugs absentmindedly and closes his eyes, feigning sleep.

 

Why isn’t his Jimin-solve-all method working today?

 

All he can hear is Namjoon’s voice saying, “Oh my gosh… It is so great so see all the artists… really honored… love yourself, love myself.”

 

Their new album came out, and the concept is loving yourself. The first part is more focused on the lighter side of love, and yet Taehyung doesn’t feel light at all.

 

All he can think about is the ‘darker’ side, the side that rears its ugly head and keeps him company late at night, when he can hear Namjoon’s snores and sleepy snuffles accompany his panicking.

 

Why does it hurt so?

 

It’s not that he doesn’t know Namjoon would be kind if Tae just blurted out his feelings.

 

The problem is, he would be too kind, and Taehyung would be left with a visibly gaping wound and Namjoon’s eyes full of pity because, “I’m sorry, Taehyung, I can’t love you back… it would be like trying to grow a flower in a garden that won’t bloom. I still love you, but just as friends, as my brother.”

 

Taehyung wouldn’t be able to move on from that.

 

Not to mention their dynamic as groupmates… they’re on the rise, and more global attention is coming onto them. They can’t afford to mess up because Tae has messy feelings that he couldn’t manage to hide for a little longer.

 

He startles as Jimin shakes his shoulder softly, “Come on, Tae, we’re here.”

 

Tae nods and follows Jimin out of the car and to their rooms.

 

Tae was rooming with Jungkook at their hotel, and he should be happy about that, because Jungkook doesn’t make any noises and the only complaint he has about sleeping with their maknae is maybe that he spends too long on his phone before actually sleeping, and the light from Jungkook’s phone means Tae lays awake until Jungkook is tired enough to shut it off. Oh, and sometimes Jungkook gets cuddly, which is just fine for Tae since he likes to cuddle.

 

Yet… why is he pausing in front of Namjoon’s room, where he knows their leader is rooming alone?

 

Jimin glances back at him and raises an eyebrow in question, “Did you forget you’re rooming with Jungkook? It’s on my way to my room with Jin, come on.”

 

Taehyung hesitantly shakes his head and murmurs, “Go on, Jiminie, I need to ask hyung something. I’ll go to my room later, don’t worry. Good night, cutie pie, I love you.”

 

Jimin looks at him worried before he giggles and flashes a smile filled with amusement, “Good night, honey bear, I love you too! Sleep well, soulmate mine.”

 

Tae smiles back then laughs, watching as Jimin walks backwards, waving and blowing kisses at him, dramatically acting out some parting scene from some drama, “Sleep well, platonic love of my life!” He waves and blows kisses back until Jimin disappears around the corner, his soft giggle his only response to Tae’s declaration.

 

He waits in front of the door even longer, unsure if Namjoon had even made it back to their room, unsure if maybe Namjoon is already laying down to sleep, or getting ready for bed… maybe in the shower and –

Okay.

 

Onto other thoughts.

 

He exhales loudly and ruffles the back of hair, trying to calm down and figure out what exactly he wants to say to Namjoon even.

 

Why is he staying back? There’s nothing to be said, other than maybe a “Good job, hyung, you did well today.”

 

Before he can talk himself into walking away, he hears footsteps then a, “Taehyung? Were you waiting for me?”

 

Taehyung looks up and to the side, smiling as he sees his hyung walking quickly towards him, not wanting to make him wait longer.

 

“I wasn’t waiting long, hyung, don’t worry.”

 

Namjoon lets out a breathless chuckle as he pulls out his room key and slides the card through the sensor, “Still, I’m sorry you had to wait at all. I got a bit sidetracked because Yoongi-hyung and Hobi pulled me aside talking about their ideas for the next album, and…”

 

He pauses in the hallway of the room, Taehyung immediately stilling in the doorway as he stares in confusion at Namjoon who turns around and stares at him with wide eyes, “I just… I just had the most brilliant idea!”

 

Taehyung chuckles at the wide-eyed excitement in his hyung’s eyes and steps into the room so he can close the door behind him, “What is it, hyung? Don’t hold back!”

 

Namjoon just grins at him and shakes his head, “Oh, nothing, I just thought of Stigma and… you’d be perfect.”

 

He his head in confusion, “Perfect for what, hyung?”

 

“Oh, you’ll see. I can’t wait to propose the idea and get it approved. I don’t want to get your hopes up, but I’m pretty sure it’ll happen.”

 

“You’re not making any sense, Joonie-hyung.”

 

Namjoon laughs lightly and shakes his head softly in amusement, “I know, but you’ll understand soon enough, don’t worry.”

 

Taehyung just shakes his head, bemused, then flounces over to the queen-sized bed, laying down immediately and closing his eyes, feeling himself relax as he listens to Joon bustle around the room, grabbing his toothbrush and change of clothes before going about his bedtime routine.

 

“Are you showering, hyung?”

 

“Ah, no, I’ll just shower in the morning. Do you want to shower here?”

 

Taehyung hums thoughtfully before shaking his head, “No, I’ll shower in the morning too. Can I borrow makeup remover though and your brush?”

 

“Of course.”

 

He sits up and then gets out of bed, both of them easily maneuvering around each other as they ready themselves for bed.

 

Wordlessly, they both know Taehyung will be staying here tonight – and it sort of aches, when Tae thinks on it, how Joon just knows him like that… Namjoon knew that he’d be staying there before even Tae knew it himself.

 

He grabs a plain white tee and unused boxers from Joon’s unpacked suitcase and changes into them, making sure to hang up his suit so the stylist-noonas don’t get onto him about it.

 

Once he’s changed and feeling refreshed once more, he lays back down on the bed, under the covers this time, waiting for Namjoon to join him.

 

He hears the lights being flicked off before he feels the bed dip next to him and he lets out a soft exhalation as Namjoon’s warmth settles beside him.

 

Tae doesn’t even think about it before he’s turning onto his side and curling into Namjoon, resting his head on Joon’s chest, his right hand coming up to rest on Joon’s heart, and his right leg wrapping around his hips, essentially making Namjoon his cuddle pillow.

 

He smiles as he feels the vibrations of Namjoon’s chuckles and Joon’s hand coming up to run his fingers through his hair, “What did you want to talk to me about, Tae-ah?”

 

Taehyung hums and then sighs lightly, keeping his eyes closed as he whispers, “You did well today, hyung. You made Bangtan proud.”

 

He can feel his head rise as Namjoon lets out a deep exhalation, all but melting further into the bed, the hand in Tae’s locks freezing before continuing its , “You really think so, Tae-ah?”

 

“You were amazing, hyung… you made me proud too.”

 

“Really, Taehyungie? That’s all I needed to hear… I was so nervous. I don’t even remember what all I said.”

 

Tae chuckles and curls further into Namjoon’s warmth, “It was memorable… ‘love yourself, love myself,’ loved that bit the most, hyung.”

 

“I really said that?”

 

“Yes, hyung. You did amazing. Don’t be so nervous, you’re a global artist now. Carry yourself with pride.”

 

Namjoon laughs and Taehyung chuckles at the vibrations he can feel beneath his ear.

 

They descend into silence, eyes closed and slowly slip into sleep, their breaths deep and slow, entangled in one another.

 

Halfway through the night, Taehyung startles awake, heart pounding.

 

He slowly entangles himself from Namjoon as he sits up, bringing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them.

 

He doesn’t think he can deny that this crush is perhaps not a mere crush anymore.

 

Not when his nightmares now include Namjoon leaving him.

 

Maybe it was never a crush.

 

Yet… even knowing this, he has to keep it hidden, has to keep taking these crumbs… because loving Namjoon and not being loved in the same way back is all he needs.

 

It’s all he needs because the other possibility is to lose Namjoon forever, and that… that he couldn’t handle.

 

Taehyung forces himself to lay back down and automatically curls back beside Namjoon and closes his eyes, but he doesn’t fall back asleep, mind racing with too many what-ifs.

 

Why did he grow a flower that can never bloom, in a dream that can never come true?

iv.

 

The Truth Untold is perhaps his most played song on his playlist right now, because Taehyung is apparently a masochist and he sees Namjoon’s dimples in his mind every time the line “I still want you” comes on.

 

It’s the song he’s listening to on repeat as he’s in the plane on the way to Malta to join his groupmates.

 

Other real life responsibilities and pains have been keeping him distracted, but now, on the way to see his friends – his family – he can’t help but think about how much he aches with missing them all, but especially Namjoon.

 

Surely it’s not healthy, this dependence – but, when he thinks about it, some people take drugs, take dangerous risks, or hurt themselves to feel what he feels when he’s enveloped in the welcoming arms of his hyungs or pseudo-hyung (a.k.a. Jungkook).

 

So, in the grand scheme of things, Taehyung is doing well.

 

He’s doing just fine.

 

Obviously not fine enough to be able to tell Jimin or any of his hyungs what is troubling him, beyond his obligations outside of BTS, and he thinks about the words the Taehyung-of-Yesterday said, about how no one will know what you’re going through unless you say it – but maybe some things can never be said, not without irreparable consequences… so he has to bear this alone.

 

He’s self-aware though, and as he checks his watch and sees he’ll be landing in less than thirty minutes, he changes the song to I’m Fine and prepares himself to smile and be fine.

 

Taehyung can do this.

 

He’s always done this.

 

Now is no different.

 

Soon enough, he’s hugging s and greeting them, and his heart is bursting with feeling too much.

 

It aches again, when Yoongi-hyung has to go, because he just wants them to be together, forever preferably, but he knows Yoongi can’t help it, can’t help that life keeps getting in the way of them.

 

But he forces himself to focus on his time in Malta, enjoying the heat and laughing with his friends again, and if he maybe lets his eyes linger on Namjoon’s glorious tan, well… no one but him has to know how hard it is to keep from drooling.

 

They arrive at the house they’re staying at and Taehyung eventually ends up in Jungkook’s room again, and he laughs at Jimin’s clinginess and it’s all so wonderful, even if his heart also aches with missing Yoongi, but it’s good, it is.

 

Then why is it that he’s wide awake with Jungkook’s breaths puffing against his cheek at midnight?

 

Since Namjoon had his nasal septum surgery, he doesn’t snore like he did, and he sort of misses the sound, but it’s worth it to know his hyung is sleeping better and breathing better. Yet, what he misses more, is his hyung’s warmth. Jungkook is a good alternative, but it’s not quite the same, and Taehyung wants to just stay there, but he’s already sitting up and getting out of bed before he even thinks it through.

 

He carefully opens the door to Hobi’s and Namjoon’s room and makes a beeline into Namjoon’s bed, making sure not to bump into anything and wake up Hoseok, who is too light of a sleeper.

 

Taehyung lets out a contented sigh as he crawls into the bed and into Namjoon’s arms.

 

Namjoon startles and sleepily murmurs, “Tae? What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing, hyung, I just… missed you. Go back to sleep.”

 

“Hmm, okay, baby.”

 

And Namjoon falls back to sleep with that, leaving Taehyung with burning cheeks and a racing heartbeat.

 

Did… did Namjoon really just call him baby?

 

He lays in Namjoon’s arms for the rest of the night, just repeating baby in his head, until it’s light enough that he gets out of bed and goes back to Jungkook’s just barely managing to doze off before Hobi wakes them up.

 

Taehyung is in love love love, but it’s… it’s not going to happen.

 

His heart… it hurts, as he reminds himself that nothing will ever come of this.

 

But…

 

… Baby…

 

He’d like to be Namjoon’s baby.

v.

 

What is it about Namjoon being so damn… powerful, that gets to him?

 

He gets breathless and it takes everything in him to focus on what he’s saying – “Just speak yourself. Find your name, find your voice by speaking yourself. I’m Kim Namjoon and also RM of BTS… I’m starting to love myself, gradually, just little by little. What is your name? Speak yourself.”

 

Taehyung is shaking slightly, all but vibrating, as he follows s back to their seats, sneakily patting Joon’s back in reassurance.

 

If he’s just a mess listening, he can’t imagine how Namjoon is feeling.

 

The other talks are a blur, and before he knows it they take their last posed picture before they climb into the cars to bring them back to their hotel and Taehyung is able to breathe again.

 

He smiles at Jimin who sits next to him, and then pulls out his airpods, immediately pulling out his phone and putting on the raw version of everythinggoes that he had begged Namjoon to share, because he just can’t wait until October, hyung! Just have mercy on me!

 

Before he knows it, his face is scrubbed clean and he’s ready for bed, alone in his room.

 

He sits on the bed and absentmindedly bounces a couple times before he groans in frustration and grabs his slippers, room key, and phone before leaving the hotel room and automatically heading to Namjoon’s room.

 

He’s weak, he knows, but can he help it?

 

He’s vibrating with a need to just touch, to know that Namjoon is real, that he is indeed human, and he wouldn’t be able to sleep if he stays in his room anyways.

 

Taehyung knocks lightly on the door before sighing and pulling out his phone, texting Namjoon to open the door for him. It takes a couple moments before Namjoon opens the door, toothbrush in his mouth and toothpaste foam around his mouth. Tae smiles fondly and shakes his head as he chuckles at a sheepish Namjoon before ducking into the room and heading towards the bed, lying down and letting out a deep sigh in relief.

 

Namjoon joins him soon, lights turned off, and Taehyung turns on his side so Namjoon can cuddle into him. Tae cards his fingers through his hair as Joon nuzzles into his neck and silently demands Taehyung curl Joon even closer into him.

 

He likes when Namjoon wants to be the little spoon, likes being able to take care of his hyung this way, and he most especially likes how delicate Namjoon seems in these moments.

 

They never speak of the times when Namjoon so blatantly wants comfort from him. But Taehyung treasures them all the same.

 

Taehyung presses a kiss to Joon’s forehead and then murmurs against the skin, “You did amazing, Joonie. We are all so proud of you, ARMY and Bangtan. You did us good.”

 

He can feel Namjoon’s lips curl into a smile against skin at the base of his neck and Tae slightly shivers, unable to suppress the automatic reaction.

 

“Really, Tae-ah? Did I… make you proud too?”

 

“You made me the proudest, Joon-ah. You always do… but especially today. It was a life-changing experience, hearing you say such powerful words. You made me feel empowered, hyung… you conveyed it all so well. How can I not be proud?”

 

“Thank you, Tae-ah. Thank you. I was… so nervous. But it wasn’t a blur, not this time. I remember what I said, I remember doing it all, but it all seems like it happened ages ago. I feel like I was watching myself do all these things, and I remember thinking, ‘Is this really Kim Namjoon? Is this RM? Who is this person?’ But I was also proud of myself then. I think… I think ARMYs and other people can take comfort from my words, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

 

“I’m so happy, hyung, so, so happy. So happy for you, for us.”

 

“Good, Tae… be happy always, okay?”

 

Taehyung smiles wryly then slightly sighs before he nods, brushing another kiss to Joon’s forehead, “Okay, hyung, if you promise me too.”

 

“I promise, Tae-ah.”

 

They descend into comfortable silence and fall asleep entwined together.

 

He doesn’t frantically wake up during the night that night, because his last thought before sleeping was, “I promise to tell you one day, very soon, because I need to keep my promise to you, and even if it hurts… to be happy, I will have to hurt first.”

+ i.

They’re deliriously giggling on stage as they huddle together, and Jungkook bends down quickly to place his phone on the floor in the middle of their group hug, timer on and the camera on selfie mode.

 

Taehyung is grinning so hard his cheeks hurt, because he’s right where he wants to be, with the people he loves, as the countdown to the New Year starts.

 

All the other idols and people on stage are counting, and they join in before they pose and make silly faces as the phone starts snapping pictures, right as “Happy New Year’s!” and loud cheers starts resounding on stage.

 

They laugh and start wishing each other, eyes wide in happiness.

 

It’s unconventional, definitely not where he would want to welcome in the new year, here on Gayo’s stage, but it’s never mattered the place so much as who he’s with.

 

And he’s with everyone he wants to be with.

 

Taehyung freezes slightly as he comes face to face with dimples as deep as Taehyung’s love and warm brown eyes. He quickly covers up the freezing by grabbing his hyung into a hug and laughingly wishing a happy New Year’s.

 

The night proceeds and they sleepily stumble into their beds after changing, hardly even coherent enough to wish each other a good night before making their way to their separate rooms.

 

Taehyung is most definitely not coherent enough to think beyond sleep, and he falls down on the bed and his eyes shuts immediately as he falls into deep sleep.

 

He automatically wakes up at dawn. He checks his phone and sees the posts Namjoon and Jimin have made and he spends a little too long zooming in to see every single detail of Namjoon’s face before he finally gets out of bed and starts prepping for the day, which is a little more laid-back than it has been.

 

The others are most definitely not awake, but Taehyung is vibrating with energy and can no longer stay alone in his room, so he grabs his keys and phone before heading out, thinking he’ll head to Jimin’s room.

 

Yet, of course, his feet instead take him to where he knows Namjoon’s room is, and he knows Namjoon is definitely sleeping, but he shoots a text, asking Joon to open the door for him.

 

He counts slowly to thirty and sighs as he turns to walk away, only to pause and turn back as the door clicks open to reveal a sleepy Joon, with his hair sticking up in what should be an unattractive way and eyes blearily blinking at him in blatant confusion.

 

Voice rough with sleep, he mutters, “Tae?”

 

Namjoon then just turns around, obviously heading back to bed, and Tae quickly grabs the door before it closes and slips into the room.

 

Taehyung toes off his shoes then pads over to the bed and crawls in, Namjoon sleepily mumbles nonsense as he scoots over, making room, and then pulls Tae into his arms.

 

He smiles and then nuzzles the curve where Namjoon’s neck meets his shoulder as he wraps his arms and legs around Joon and relaxes into the embrace.

 

Joon hums slightly before sleepily asking, “Are you okay?”

 

Tae nods and whispers, “I just couldn’t sleep.”

 

“Hmm,” Namjoon pats his back in a manner that is meant to be comforting but doesn’t quite manage it when he ends up hitting the back of Tae’s head instead, “Sleep now. You’re good here, yeah?”

 

“Yes, hyung.”

 

Joon’s breath deepens as he falls back into the clutches of Morpheus, and Taehyung’s body pleasantly vibrates because… this felt too good, too right, too – much.

 

It was too much and this is usually when Taehyung jumps up and reality comes crashing in, but he doesn’t move from Namjoon’s sleep-warm body and instead burrows even closer, if that’s even possible.

 

Taehyung had promised Namjoon he would be happy a few months ago, and to be happy he knew he’d have to confess.

 

Because Taehyung has never been dishonest with himself, and this crush-turned-into-love has been going on six years now, and it’s simply too much to keep under lock and key now.

 

Maybe it was always too much, and Taehyung wasn’t as honest with himself as he would have liked to be – but he’s owning up now, and that’s what matters.

 

He dozes off and only stirs awake when he feels something brush against his face. He automatically wrinkles his nose in irritation, only to smile as he hears a soft chuckle, “You look so peaceful when you sleep. You usually wake up before I do, so I don’t get to see you like this often.”

 

Tae opens his eyes and his smile widens as he connects with warm, fond eyes, “Maybe you shouldn’t be such a heavy sleeper then, hyung.”

 

“Hmm… maybe.” Namjoon looks at him for a moment longer, lets out a deep exhalation, then untangles himself so he can sit up, “Tae… Taehyung, I need to talk to you.”

 

His heart starts racing, panicking at the serious tone, but he forces himself to calmly ask as he sits up, “What about, hyung?”

 

“I… I thought I was imagining it, because maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. But I can only be in denial for so long until I realize, right?”

 

Taehyung hesitantly nods, not knowing what Namjoon was trying to get at.

 

“I think the first time I noticed was years ago, and it was just a brief moment, where your eyes lingered on me and your smile looked softer than I had ever seen it.”

 

… He had a bad feeling where this was going, but his mouth was dry and he couldn’t quite get the words to come out of his mouth, even though he wasn’t even sure what words would come out.

 

“Then when you came and got me from the roof… You looked so beautiful in the moonlight, and my heart ached, and I wondered then, when you teased me, if maybe I wasn’t just imagining the way you glanced at my lips.”

 

No. Nononononono.

 

“Then during our first BBMAs, your eyes wouldn’t leave me, but they were lingering on my arms and legs, and my skin? Same in Malta, you kept looking at me and your lips, and I started wondering if there was something more. But I didn’t want to bring it up, because you coming and cuddling with me meant too much, and I didn’t want to possibly ruin it.”

 

Taehyung finally got his mouth open, but no words came out.

 

“Then… after the UN speech… you took care of me so well, Tae-ah. Not like a dongsaeng, not even like a younger brother… but like a lover. I knew then.”

 

He couldn’t stay here, no, he was a fool for thinking he had it hidden, that he had all the cards in his hands.

 

A fool.

 

Taehyung stumbled over the comforter as he scrambled out of the bed and started to rush towards the door, only to stumble to a halt as Namjoon said, “Taehyung! Wait! Listen to me. Please.”

 

He shook his head and whispered, “No. Just leave it there, hyung. I’ll stop and we can just – continue what we had, okay? Please… please don’t make me listen.”

 

“Tae – baby, please.”

 

Taehyung let out a soft whine and ran his fingers through his hair, groaning and tugging at his locks, before angrily bursting out, “What? What is it, hyung? What do you have to say?”

 

“Won’t you look at me, Tae-ah?”

 

He turned around and glared at Namjoon’s general direction, refusing to make eye contact – he was too afraid he’d fall into irreparable pieces if he had to meet those pitying eyes right then.

 

Namjoon let out a sigh and the bed creaked as he got out and stepped closer to Tae, standing just an arm’s length away, before saying, “Taehyung, earlier today, on the stage, you were glowing and your eyes were so bright. You were looking at me, and I forgot where we were. All I wanted right then was to kiss you, and it hurt that I couldn’t.”

 

Taehyung gasped and looked up at Namjoon, finally meeting his eyes, his cheeks flushing as he burst out, “W-what?”

 

Namjoon chuckled fondly as he stepped closer, his right hand coming up to cup Tae’s cheek, “Taehyung, baby, did you really think you loved alone? Were you so caught up in your mind you failed to see how you hold my heart in your caring hands?”

 

Tae was vibrating and he breathlessly asked, “You- you love me, Joon? Me? You love me back?”

 

He smiled and stepped even closer, their bodies melding into one, and leaned down, whispering against his lips, “You make me believe in destiny, Tae-ah.”

 

Their lips pressed against each other and Taehyung gasped before his hands came up to pull Namjoon even closer, wanting to taste the honey that is Namjoon– wanting him to fill every pore of his being, like he had been aching to for so long.

 

Taehyung’s back hit the wall and he moaned slightly, startled, only for Namjoon to murmur a soft, “Sorry, baby,” and caress the back of his head as he kissed all over his face, pressing multiple kisses on the mole at the tip of his nose and the one by his eye, murmuring sweet nothings all the while. Namjoon’s lips dragged down his neck and he was pressing insistent kisses there, telling him how much he loved him between each kiss, and Taehyung was helpless to do anything but take it.

 

It was so soft, so perfect, so beyond anything he could ever dream of that he knew this was real.

 

He really was here kissing Namjoon in his hotel room right after they both confessed their love for each other, on New Year’s Day too.

 

It was real, even if it sounded like the stuff of fairytales in his head.

 

Taehyung grabbed Namjoon by his hair and insistently pulled him back in for a deep kiss that had his toes curling into the soft carpet. He moaned softly as Namjoon pulled back, and they both panted as they looked into each other’s eyes.

 

Heedlessly, Taehyung whispered, “I like when you call me baby.”

 

He blushed as Namjoon smirked down at him, “Do you, baby? What else do you like me calling you?”

 

Taehyung groaned in mortification before looking back up and teasingly replying, “I’d like it if you called me yours.”

 

Namjoon laughed and leaned down to press his forehead against Taehyung’s, whispering sappily, “I already do.”

 

Taehyung laughed and feigned disgust, even as his heart raced and his eyes softened with fondness, “You sap.”

 

Namjoon pressed a light kiss against his lips and said, “Your sap.”

 

“I like that, Joon-ah.”

 

“Good. As long as you’re happy, I like it too, baby.”

 

+ bonus

 

“Jiminie, I, um… have something to tell you. But you have to promise not to be mad, okay? I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think anything would happen from it, you know?”

 

“Taehyung… what did you do? Did Tannie pee on Yoongi’s beanie again? Yoongi-hyung might be weak to your puppy eyes, but you know he was upset and he pouted for a whole week because of it!”

 

“No! No, nothing like that! I, um... I-might-have-sorta-had-a-thing-for-Namjoon-for-years-and-now-he-told-me-he-likes-me-too-and-so-we’re-boyfriends.”

 

“You’re finally boyfriends? ing finally, I was getting sick of all the pining!”

 

“Um. What.”

 

“Taehyung, sweetheart, soulmate dear, platonic love of my life… You didn’t think you were actually capable of hiding anything from me, right? Don’t be such a silly goose.”

 

“Jiminie… you knew this whole time?”

 

“Of course I did. I even won the bet.”

 

“The bet?!”

 

“Taehyung, I love you dearly, but you and Namjoon are not the subtlest of people. Just be thankful I talked the others into letting you deal with it yourselves otherwise things would have been a lot more chaotic. Just know this, don’t ever hide anything from me again, okay?”

 

“… Okay, Jiminie…”

 

“Good boy! Now, tell me everything!”

 

“…”