“I’m sorry.”

The last thing she said to me when she left me.

 

 

Eunbi jumped at the sound of her alarm ringing. The screeching of the alarm came to a temporary halt once she rolled over to the other side of the bed and pressed the snooze button on her phone. Eunbi rolled back to the position she was previously in and stared at the ceiling in a daze.

 

She could still the monotone voice of Sakura’s answering machine echoing in her ears. She had practically memorized the voice message by heart by that point.

 

Sakura wasn’t picking up her phone, and Eunbi felt something bubbling from the pits of her stomach as each call she made kept being redirected to voicemail. Something felt terribly wrong. Eunbi couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen; the feeling of dread slowly built up and it eventually held a tight grip on her heart as it was slowly suffocating her.

“Why isn’t she picking up?” Eunbi sighed, exasperated.

Today was supposed to a relaxing day off from work, but with Sakura not answering her phone, and this bad feeling in her stomach, she was far from being relaxed. Eunbi called again and was met again with the same voice message answering her. Feeling frustrated, she decided to look for her girlfriend to settle the uneasy feeling in her heart. She quickly got dressed and ran out the door.

 

Eunbi could feel the stinging in her chest intensify with every breath she took, the pain forcing tears to her eyes. She tried to ignore the burning in her legs as she ran down the street. The only thing she could think of was if her girlfriend was safe or not. She knew that Sakura didn’t have a shift scheduled at work after her classes today, so she figured her best bet was to head towards her school.

 

With her alarm serving as a nagging reminder to get out of bed, Eunbi finally rolled out of bed and made her way toward the kitchen where her roommate, Yena was already seated and munching on a piece of toast while focusing intensely on her phone.

“Morning,” Eunbi mumbled as she reached for her mug and poured herself some water.

“Good morning,” Yena glanced up from her phone, “how’re you feeling today?”

“Tired.”

“Hm… you’re off today, right? Do you want to go somewhere?” Yena asked hesitantly. She knew that today was supposed to be Eunbi and Sakura’s 5^th anniversary, had the latter not chose to break up with the former. It’s been about a year since the breakup, but she knew that Eunbi had taken it especially hard and was still reeling from it. This time of the year was a hard time for the older girl, and Yena understood that while some wounds fade with time, others remain.

“No… it’s okay, I know you had plans with Yuri already. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be okay.” Eunbi tried to put on a smile to lessen the younger’s worries. Yena didn’t seem too convinced but decided to not pursue the topic any further. She knew that Eunbi was trying to put on a strong face, in hopes that maybe she could fool herself too.

 

After Yena left for her date with Yuri, Eunbi realized how empty the apartment was. She could hear the clock ticking in the hallway, the humming from the fridge, and the occasional whirring from Yena’s laptop that was haphazardly placed on the kitchen counter.

After the breakup, Eunbi threw herself into her work. There was never a moment where she wasn’t busy; work served as a distraction and a feeble attempt to put a band-aid on the gaping wound where her heart was. It was a temporary solution to the symptoms of heartbreak. It was as if her dedication to work could somehow delay the inevitable reality that she would be forced to face.

Eventually her hard work and effort was recognized, and she was promoted at work. However, no amount of work could fill the gap in her heart. Over time, Eunbi grew more and more depressed, until Yena talked her into seeing a psychologist so that she could have a safe space to talk about their relationship. After a number of sessions, Eunbi began to see progress and there was a total shift in her mood (to Yena’s relief). But, even with therapy, the day of their anniversary still made Eunbi’s heart ache. It was a painful reminder of what was and what could have been.

 

Eunbi decided to leave the apartment to get some fresh air. Moping around at home was exactly what her therapist told her not to do. Being alone with her thoughts would just make her feel suffocated and cause her to ruminate about the past. Eunbi wandered around until she passed by a very familiar corner.

 

After running endlessly, her body was beginning to tire. Eunbi was distracted from her racing thoughts, that when she was rounding the corner she accidentally ran into a girl. The force of impact brought Eunbi back to her senses. She was sprawled awkwardly on top of the blonde.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Eunbi stammered in shock.

The girl under her grunted in response. She raised her arm and it was covered in scrapes that were oozing blood.

“Great. Just my luck,” she muttered under her breath.

Eunbi was frozen for a second before moving to get off the girl.

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t see you there… Are you okay?” Eunbi helped the girl sit up. She glanced worriedly at the blood that had begun to stain the woman’s white blouse.

“Yeah, I think so? Minus the bleeding,” she chuckled.

Eunbi quickly stood up and apologized again. She spotted a convenience store nearby where she could buy some band-aids and rubbing alcohol to disinfect the girl’s wounds.

“I’ll go and get you some bandages from that convenience store. But let me help you up first.” Eunbi lifted the girl up and put the girl’s arm over her shoulder, they limped slowly towards the seating area outside of the convenience store. Eunbi helped the girl slowly ease into the plastic chair. Then she turned around and ran into the store. She quickly snatched a box of butterfly band-aids, and a mini first-aid kit. She paid for the items and swiftly made her way to the girl’s side.

The girl looked at her with a curious but intrigued expression.

Eunbi wasted no time and began disinfecting the girl’s wounds. The girl hissed in pain the moment the disinfectant touched the scrape on her elbow. She quickly grabbed onto Eunbi’s shoulder and dug her nails into it. Eunbi ignored the stabbing pain on her shoulder and began dressing the scrape. After a few minutes, all the scrapes and cuts on the girl were disinfected and dressed.

Satisfied with her work, Eunbi turned to leave. The blonde quickly reached out to stop her.

“Wait, what’s your name?”

Eunbi was taken by surprise. She faltered before managing to spit out her name.

 “Oh, my name’s Eunbi. Kwon Eunbi. Again, sorry for bumping into you. I hope you’re okay.”

The girl blinked before erupting into all smiles.

“That’s okay, accidents happen all the time! You looked like you were in a rush though, I guess it was also my fault since I didn’t look while walking,” she giggled sheepishly, “and I’m a trainee at OTR entertainment and my name is—"

 

The sound a car honking snapped Eunbi out of her reverie. She apologized to the driver for walking in the middle of the road. She slapped her cheeks to wake herself up. She was daydreaming about the past again.

 

She walked up the path toward Seoul National University. Seeing the familiar scenery, she was brought back to the times when they’d used to walk together to school. They’d hold hands and spend their breaks together under the cherry blossom trees that grew on campus, while admiring the view of the lake (she spent her time admiring Sakura, if she had to be honest). They were a perfect campus couple, and they often were the target of envy by students. Sakura was fairly well known throughout the school as the pride of the engineering faculty for her intelligence and beauty.

 

Eunbi sat down on a bench and watched the students going on about their day. Being here brought back so many memories. She spotted the cherry blossom tree near the manmade lake where Sakura had confessed to her all those years ago. Eunbi couldn’t help but smile sadly at the memory. Was it really only 5 years ago? She couldn’t believe it.

 

Eunbi left campus after reminiscing for a bit and ended up at the bakery near school. The smell of freshly baked bread wafted through the street. It brought back memories of her old part time job at Paris Baguette, which is how she first met Sakura.

 

“Everyone, we have a new member joining our team. She’s young but she’s hardworking. I hope you’ll enjoy working with us here, Sakura.” The franchise owner motioned for Eunbi to step forward.

“Sakura, this is Eunbi, she’s one of our managers and she’ll be helping you today.”

Sakura held out her hand and introduced herself, “Hello, I’m Miyawaki Sakura. I came to Korea on exchange, and I’m studying mechanical engineering at Seoul National University.”

Eunbi shook her hand. “I’m Kwon Eunbi, and I’ll be showing you the ropes today. I also attend SNU, but I’m studying business administration and marketing,” Eunbi smiled, “hopefully I’ll see you around on campus.”

 

Tired from today’s adventure. Eunbi reluctantly trudged home, got changed and dived under the covers. She instantly fell asleep and melted into her bed. Soft snores were what alerted Yena to Eunbi’s presence at home. Yena lifted the covers and gently laid it over Eunbi, who had accidentally kicked them off.

 

Eunbi finally made it to campus where she spotted Sakura from a distance. She noticed that another woman was talking to animatedly before they hugged and went their separate ways. Sakura was walking towards Eunbi’s direction and she could just make out the ecstatic expression on her girlfriend’s face.

Eunbi tried to quell the jealousy that was threatening to spill as it overtook the uneasy feeling she had all day. Clearing , she jogged towards her unsuspecting girlfriend. She snuck around Sakura in a U-shaped path and surprised her by giving her a back hug. Eunbi tucked her chin between the space where Sakura’s neck and collarbone.

Sakura gasped in surprise before realizing who it was. She slid her hands over Eunbi’s and rested them on top of Eunbi’s.

“Hey baby…” Eunbi exhaled. She felt relieved to hold Sakura physically in her arms. All her worries melted away as she hugged Sakura tighter.

Sakura smiled and craned her neck to get a better look at Eunbi.

“What are you doing here? Isn’t it your day off?” Sakura giggled.

“Mmf… I missed you… and I was worried because you weren’t picking up my calls. Thought something bad happened to you…”

Sakura reached into her pocket and examined her phone. “Ugh, the battery died… Sorry… that’s why I wasn’t able to get your calls.” Sakura broke the back hug and turned around to face her girlfriend. She examined Eunbi’s face, and then reached out to cup her right cheek. “Are you okay? You look really pale… Not to mention that you’re sweaty all over.”

“Uh… yeah… I’m okay, actually.”

Sakura reached for her bag and started rummaging through it. After a few second, she produced a packet of tissue and used one to dab the sweat off Eunbi’s forehead.

“Are you sure?” Sakura took a good look at Eunbi. “Although I think you look really hot in your Korean Army t-shirt, you’re wearing it backwards, not to mention that you’re also wearing mismatched socks.” Sakura chuckled at her girlfriend’s odd appearance.

Eunbi looked down and found that her girlfriend was right. She was in such a rush that she hadn’t bothered to check her appearance before running out. She was embarrassed by her sloppy appearance and proceeded to hug Sakura tightly to hide the fact that her shirt was backwards (it also helped that her girlfriend was a wee bit taller than her).

 

Eunbi exited the bathroom with her shirt facing the correct way, and she just took off her socks (she was wearing sneakers anyways, so what the heck, might as well). She approached her girlfriend with a sheepish expression.

“Sorry for showing up out of the blue like this.”

Sakura looked at her endearingly and leaned to kiss Eunbi on the lips. “It’s okay, I was just surprised that you ran all the way out here to see me!”

“I—I was just worried about you… and…” she looked away and scratched her cheek to hide the light pink that dusted her face, “I missed you.”

Sakura hugged her. “I missed you too.”

Eunbi smiled to herself. She was glad that Sakura was okay, maybe her 6^th sense was just off today. Nothing out of the ordinary occurred according to Sakura, but somehow there was something nagging her at the back of her mind—the woman she was with.

 

Eunbi woke up from her nap, feeling more drained for no apparent reason. She got out of bed and walked into the kitchen to find Yena hunched over some books, scribbling furiously on a piece of paper, and her laptop filled with writing. She opened the fridge and took two string cheeses and threw them into the microwave to warm up. She poured herself a glass of water and watched Yena working until the beeping of the microwave alerted her that the string cheese was melted.

She grabbed the cheese and offered one to Yena silently. Yena glanced up once the odor caught her attention. She thanked Eunbi and took a small bite.

“What are you working on?” Eunbi inquired. She was surprised that Yena was actually doing her homework for once.

“I’m writing a paper for my sociology class on this dude called Goffman. What he talks about is pretty interesting.” Yena replied, while munching on her cheese string.

“Oh? What did he talk about?”

Yena paused and looked at Eunbi with a serious expression on her face.

“Well in one of his books, he talks about how like life is like a theatre and we’re all actors. So, like, the theatre is a metaphor for how we act in our daily lives and how we interact with others.”

Eunbi nodded. “So, we’re all actors in the show called life.” She took a sip of water. “This kind of reminds me of that movie: ‘The Truman Show,’ actually.”

“Kind of. His theory is that social life is like a stage, y’know? The stage is where you act, and individuals are actors that perform roles for others. So, you can slip into different roles at different times depending where you’re performing. You can have different “selves” depending on the situation.” Yena paused. “In theatre: you’ve got the front stage where you perform for the audience, and the back stage where you can relax and step out of ‘character,’ you can think of it like private space where you can be yourself.”

“Wow… you actually sound like you did your homework.” Eunbi gawked in surprise.

“Hey! I do my homework… just… last minute, that’s all.” Yena huffed. “But, anyways when we’re acting we’re always doing what Goffman called: ‘impression management.’ It’s where we try to manage others’ impression of us when we interact with them, therefore we always have to monitor our behavior to keep up our act.”

“Huh… well I never thought of it like that. But what you’re saying makes sense. Goffman, huh? Who would’ve thought you’d know about stuff like this. Looks like actually attending your lectures is paying off after all.” Eunbi teased Yena by sticking her tongue out playfully.

“H—hey! I attend my classes…” Yena pouted, “in spirit that’s all…”

 

The exhaustion from before seemed to have disappeared after talking to Yena. Her infectious energy and ability to make people laugh had brightened up Eunbi’s mood. Eunbi walked out to the balcony and sat down on a chair to take in the view of the sun setting. The sun’s rays peeked over the horizon, and illuminated the violet sky with streaks of orange, and yellow. The clouds looked like cotton candy floating in the sky, adorned by swirls of brilliant blue and violet.

Eunbi produced a packet of cigarettes and a lighter from her pocket and placed them on the table. She knew she shouldn’t, but despite her roommate’s best efforts to cheer her up, it was only a temporary happiness that faded away with time. At the end of the day, she was still left with this empty, raw feeling in her chest that only occurred three times a year. The day of their anniversary, the day of their breakup and on Sakura’s birthday. Whenever the respective date would approach, Eunbi could feel her fingers twitching, aching for a smoke, even though it took her a while to quit at Sakura’s urging.

 

“Kwon Eunbi! Don’t you dare pick up that cigarette.” Sakura huffed. She rested her hands on her hips to show her displeasure.

Eunbi groaned. Damn it, she got caught again. “It was a hard day at work Kkura… I’m so stressed, this is the only way I can relieve my stress and relax,” she whined.

“Tsk, don’t you know it’s bad for your health? Not to mention that I hate the smell of it, especially on you. There’s other ways to relax.”

Eunbi took a look at her girlfriend and sighed. She gave up. “Fine, fine. I’ll put it down.” Eunbi tossed her pack of cigarettes and her lighter into her bag and crossed her arms. “There, happy?”

“Very.” Sakura grinned.

Her smile was enough to make Eunbi’s anger falter, and in the end, she decided to let it go. She couldn’t stay mad at her girlfriend, and deep down, she knew that Sakura was right. It was a bad habit that she had a hard time kicking. Eunbi took a sip of her beer and peeked over her glass to see her girlfriend smiling at her.

“What?”

“Nothing… just… admiring how pretty you look under the lights.”

Eunbi nearly choked on her beer at Sakura’s sudden compliment. She cleared and looked away to hide the blush creeping up her cheeks.

“T—thanks.” She managed to stammer in reply.

Sakura stared at Eunbi with a look of adoration. Sakura glanced at Eunbi’s bag and asked: “Do you really have to smoke, unnie?”

Eunbi was caught off-guard again by Sakura’s sudden question. She regained her composure and thought long and hard before replying.

“Well… I get smoke breaks at my company so that’s time when I don’t have to work... but… I guess not?”

“Have you thought about quitting?”

“I’ve tried to before, and every time the withdrawal effects were just too painful for me. It’s hard to quit.” Eunbi sighed. She knew where this conversation was heading, and she was scared to disappoint Sakura if she wasn’t able to quit.

“I see…” Sakura nodded, deep in thought. “Honestly, I would’ve never pegged you as a smoker. You did such a great job of hiding it from me when we were dating at first…”

“Y—yeah… I know. I didn’t want you to find out about it though…”

Sakura held her hand. “It doesn’t make me love you any less. I love you just the same, no matter what. But I think it’s for the best if you try to smoke less.”

“Yeah… you’re right, I’ll try again. For you.”

“I’ll help you, it’s going to be hard, but it’s for the best. And it’s not for me, it’s for you. For your health, my love.” Sakura rubbed her thumb over Eunbi’s knuckles. “You won’t regret it.”

 

it, Eunbi thought to herself. She deserved to have a smoke. Eunbi lit up the cigarette, inhaled and the familiar sensation of smoke filling her lungs was enough for her to relax. She exhaled her worries and watched the smoke curl around her fingers. Eunbi began reminiscing about the past again, remembering little details of her past relationship that she never really gave much thought to, until they broke up.

 

Eunbi took a sip of her latte while eying her girlfriend with a look of exasperation. They had decided to go to a café to chat and catch up since Eunbi had been busy with work, since a group comeback was approaching. She had been working overtime for more than two weeks, finalizing details with the marketing team and meeting with producers and different companies to secure endorsements. She managed to squeeze in a tiny break from work, and naturally decided to spend it with Sakura. But Sakura was glued to her phone from the moment Eunbi set down their drinks. Sakura only acknowledged Eunbi’s presence with a hum.

After what felt like an eternity, Sakura finally put down her phone and Eunbi leapt at the chance to ask who she was texting (she did try to keep the jealousy out of her tone).

“Oh… no one.” Sakura answered in an uninterested tone.

“Oh… I see…” Eunbi felt a pang in her chest. Was something wrong? Sakura had been acting distantly for about a month or two, but whenever she asked about it, Sakura assured her that it was just the stress of looming deadlines and tests. Eunbi felt bad that she couldn’t always be there for Sakura liked she used to when they were in university. Especially with her finally landing a job in one of Korea’s top entertainment companies as an intern, Eunbi had been swarmed with work and she was often unable to see Sakura as a result. But whenever she was able to have free time, she made sure to spend it with Sakura on dates and sometimes even have sleepovers with Sakura.

“Do you want anything? I’m going to go and get another drink.”

“No, I’m good with mine.” Sakura picked up her phone once a notification lit up the screen.

“Alright.” Eunbi got up and lined up in front of the counter. She tried to go through the past few months, thinking about if she had done anything to upset Sakura. Her thoughts were interrupted when a girl bumped into her when they were moving up the queue.

“Sorry!” A bright voice apologized.

Eunbi turned around.

“Oh? It’s you! The girl I ran into a few months back!” Eunbi exclaimed in surprise.

Recognition filled the other girl’s features. “Wow, I didn’t expect to see you here. What a small world huh?”

“Yeah definitely…” Eunbi was still in a daze. She recovered her composure and glanced at the girl’s arm. “Are you okay? Did your cuts heal up? Did you get any scarring?” Eunbi asked worriedly.

The girl showed off her right arm. “Just got a tiny one below my elbow, nothing a little makeup won’t fix!”

Eunbi felt guilty, she didn’t expect to but into the girl she ran into and she hadn’t known that she was a trainee. Her injuries must’ve affected her practice, and she hoped that she didn’t get scolded because of Eunbi’s recklessness.

“Hey, let me buy a drink for you. I never really made it up to you. The bandages don’t count.” Eunbi smiled.

“Really? Well… I’m buying drinks as a punishment for losing a game though, I don’t want you to pay for that.”

“It’s okay, I don’t mind. It’s not a big deal. Is iced americano okay?”

“No, it’s fine, really,” the girl tried to dissuade Eunbi.

“How many are you?” Eunbi took out her credit card. “I insist.”

“We’re… seven,” the girl replied, embarrassed. “And yes, that’s fine.”

Eunbi turned to the cashier. “I’ll take nine iced americanos, and one iced coffee.” She turned to the girl, “the two extra for your managers.”

The cashier punched in the order and motioned for Eunbi to swipe her card.

 

“Thanks for the drinks.” The girl beamed. “I’m in preparations for my group’s debut, so come visit me at our debut showcase okay?”

“Oh, you’re debuting? Congratulations!” Eunbi clapped happily. “I wish you the best, and I’ll definitely see your showcase and buy your album once it comes out.”

“Here’s my number, I’ll send you the tickets when I get them.” The girl quickly scribbled her number on the receipt.

 

After saying her goodbyes, Eunbi returned to her seat across an excited Sakura texting on her phone. Eunbi felt tears welling up, she felt neglected by her girlfriend who was secretly texting another person the entire time on their “date.” She wanted to rip the phone from her hands and throw it out the window if it meant that Sakura would pay attention to her. But she quelled the anger that threatened to spill out and opted to go outside for a smoke. It’s not like Sakura would notice anyways.

 

Eunbi went back into the café after she finished her cigarette and noticed that Sakura had gone to the washroom. But she had left her phone on the table.

Geez, isn’t she worried that someone’s going to come and take it? Isn’t this a little too sloppy of her to just leave it on the table? Eunbi thought to herself. She eyed the phone and felt her fingers twitching. Curiosity was getting the best of her. She was dying to know who Sakura was texting the whole time. Just when Eunbi was in the middle of her moral debate as to whether it was ethical or not to try to sneak a look at her girlfriend’s texts, a notification popped on the screen.

Finally giving in to her curiosity and after being tempted by the multiple notifications on Sakura’s phone. Eunbi took a quick peek, and her eyes widened in surprised once she opened the notifications.

 

Eunbi tapped her cigarette to get rid of the ash forming on the end of the cigarette. She took a long drag, then exhaled a breath of smoke and sighed. She should’ve known from then. But she was naïve to ignore the signs. She kept telling herself that it was only temporary, and that their love would prevail. In the end, she was just a fool.

 

Sakura dragged herself to the picnic table that Eunbi was sitting at. She dropped her bags on the table and rested her head on the table. Eunbi stopped typing and leaned over to get a better look of her exhausted looking girlfriend. She noticed the drawing tube on top of Sakura’s tote bag.

“You’re taking drawing classes?” Eunbi asked incredulously.

“I know, I know, but Nako and Hitomi made me take the class! You know that they have their ways of making people do what they want,” Sakura whined.

Eunbi attempt to stifle her laughter. “Yeah… but your drawing skills are… er… a little...”

Sakura shot daggers with her glare, daring Eunbi to finish her sentence.

“They’re uh… average… haha…” Eunbi tried to save herself. Facing Sakura’s wrath was not in her plans for today. Even though Sakura couldn’t draw to save her life.

“That’s what I thought.” Sakura crossed her arms.

“Do you think you’re going to be okay? It might be harder than you think. Will your GPA be okay?”

“I think so… I’m taking it as an elective, so it shouldn’t be that bad. Right?” Sakura was worried now that Eunbi mentioned her GPA. Nako was convincing that she ended somehow forgetting the most important thing. Her life was dependent on her GPA. “But… it is a year long course… I’m sure I’ll survive it.”

“Yeah… I’m sure you’ll do well.” Eunbi smiled. “Who knows, maybe it’ll end up being your favorite class.”

 

Eunbi stubbed out the cigarette on the ashtray and went back inside. From the corner of her eye she could see Yena struggling to portion out the spaghetti (I’ve been there before) for their dinner that evening. She had been up all night the day before binge watching “Baek Jong-won’s Alley Restaurants,” and it happened to be that the last episode she watched was about a Korean-Italian fusion restaurant. She was inspired to make aglio e olio after watching the show.

Eunbi wasn’t sure if she should help Yena out because it looked like she was seriously struggling with the amount of pasta she should pour into the pot. But knowing Yena, she would probably refuse her help. If she was already having this much trouble from the get-go, Eunbi only hoped that it would get better from there. She wasn’t just worried about the taste, but also whether it would be edible. They’ve lived together for years and nothing Yena has made so far, has killed her yet. Sure, there were times when the food was… not aesthetically pleasing, nor pleasant tasting, but she managed to get through it with her iron stomach. Hell, it’s just pasta, garlic and olive oil, right? Surely Yena could handle that much… if not, then oh well, she’ll just accept her fate and go down dying (after eating).

 

Eunbi returned to her room and stood in front of her bookshelf. She reached out to grab the drawing tube and opened the lid. She took out one of the drawings inside and unrolled it on her desk. It was Sakura’s first portrait of Eunbi. She traced the fine lines with her fingers, remarking at how the drawing only partially resembled herself. When she first received the drawing, she had to squint quite a bit to see the “resemblance.” She chuckled, remember how hard Sakura tried to convince her that the drawing was indeed of herself.

 

“Forget it. If you don’t like it, then I’ll just keep it.” Sakura wrestled the drawing back from Eunbi’s hands. “When I improve, and I will improve, I’ll give you a better one, then.” Sakura huffed.

“Wait, wait, you can’t just take it back. You gave it to me!” Eunbi swiftly snatched the drawing back. “I never said that I didn’t like it! I just wasn’t sure if that was really me you drew!”

“You mean it’s not obvious to you?”

“Noooo, that’s not what I meant!”

“Ugh, forget it Kwon Eunbi, I’m taking it back!”

“No!” Eunbi hugged the drawing tightly. “It’s mine, and I like it okay? It’s something my beautiful girlfriend drew for me; how could I not like it?”

 

Eunbi took out another drawing from the tube. This one was a greatly improved drawing from the first portrait that Sakura drew. The assignment was to draw a loved one, and naturally Sakura had Eunbi in mind. And that’s how Eunbi found herself sitting on a stool in the art department whenever she had the same breaks as Sakura back then.

 

“Babe, please stop moving. You’re making it hard for me to draw you.”

“I’m trying, but it’s harder than you think Kkura!”

“I know, I know, just bear with me okay?” Sakura smiled to herself. She sketched lightly on the canvas, while occasionally sticking her head out to look at Eunbi before returning to her canvas.

Eunbi tried her best to not move, but honestly her was starting to get numb from sitting for so long. She began meditating in her head to try and pass time, but in the end, she ended up losing her concentration and got distracted.

She looked at Sakura furiously sketching away and smiled to herself. She looks really beautiful when she’s concentrating, Eunbi thought to herself. Sakura had her hair up, but after working furiously, her bangs which were once held up by the elastic, began to cover her forehead and eyes. Eunbi was struck by how captivating Sakura looked. Now I know why Yena says Yuri looks prettiest when she’s singing; people look their best when they’re working.

 

“Okay, I’m done!” Sakura announced.

“I can’t wait to see how it looks.” Eunbi stood next to Sakura to admire her masterpiece. “Wow, this is amazing! You improved a lot Kkura. I’m really proud of you. I love it!” Eunbi embraced her girlfriend in a tight hug, causing the latter to blush at her praise.

Sakura grinned. “I’m glad you love it.”

“I love it, I really do…” Eunbi leaned in and kissed Sakura. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Sakura’s cheeks started to get more red. “I wanted to capture this moment and our feelings in my drawing of you. So, we can remember it forever.”

“I don’t think I will ever forget my feelings for you.” Eunbi whispered. Her heart began to thump loudly. Her confession was genuine and only then, did she realize the gravity of her feelings for the younger girl. She knew that she loved Sakura, but it was only then that she was fully aware of the depth of her love for Sakura.

Eunbi started tearing up. The realization of her feelings for Sakura was overwhelming, she was so in love with her.

Her girlfriend’s sudden tears caught Sakura by surprise. “A—are you crying? What’s wrong?!” Sakura started panicking.

Eunbi leaned her forehead against Sakura’s. “Nothing… it’s nothing.” She lifted her head slightly to give Sakura a reassuring smile. “I just love you so much, that’s all. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you.”

Sakura closed her eyes and pressed her forehead against Eunbi’s. “I’ll never stop loving you too. You have my heart, forever and always.”

 

“Forever and always, huh?” Eunbi muttered. She rolled up the drawings carefully and put the tube back on the shelf. The smell of garlic and cheese wafted through the apartment and had penetrated into her room.

“Eunbi!! Food’s ready!!” Yena screamed at the top of her lungs.

“Alright, be there in a sec!” Eunbi took one last look at the shelf before opening the door to go eat dinner.

 

“Well, this looks and tastes better than I imagined, Yena. Four and a half stars for you.” Eunbi took a bite of the garlic bread. “And well, it’s pretty hard to mess up garlic bread so that’s a no-brainer.”

Yena beamed at Eunbi’s compliments. “Right? And Yuri thought that’d burn the garlic bread. Such a supportive girlfriend she is.” Yena pouted with her signature duck-face.

“Tell her that it gets Eunbi’s stamp of approval.” Eunbi twirled the spaghetti with her fork and ate it.

“Aw yeah! Take that Yuri. She has no faith me.” Yena rolled her eyes.

“To be fair, some of the food you’ve made was… questionable.” Eunbi chuckled.

“Okay, but I’ve come a long way, right?”

“Yep, I’m proud to have been with you on this journey.” Eunbi pretended to wipe away a tear. “I feel like a proud mother.”

“Thanks mom, can you do the dishes?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll do them. Go work on your paper.”

“Woohoo! You’re the best.” Yena walked to her room, just before entering the threshold, she turned around and blew Eunbi a kiss.

Eunbi pretended to swat the kiss away, which led to Yena blowing more kisses, until Eunbi finally gave up and accepted it. The Yena’s face lit up, she was grinning from ear to ear, and it was enough to make Eunbi smile too.

 

“Let’s take a break unnie...”

 

Eunbi could hear her heart thumping in her ears as she felt all her blood being drained from her body.

Her phone felt icy cold in her fingers. Did she mishear? Was this really happening? Was… Sakura breaking up with her? It couldn’t be. It was a misunderstanding, she tried to reason with herself. Sakura cut through her thoughts before she could come up with a reply.

 

“I’m sorry.”

And it was the last thing she heard before Sakura hung up on her.

 

Eunbi bolted upright from her bed, she was covered in sweat and was panting heavily. She groaned in pain, it was a nightmare. It was a painfully realistic one. She felt like she was 25 again, with the pain of having her heart broken by the woman she loved. She could hear her voice clearly in her mind.

“I can only hear the answering machine instead of your voice…” Eunbi sighed. She was reminded of the despair that came after, the disbelief that Sakura would have broken up with her, even though she said it was a “break,” Sakura never answered her calls. It would always go to voicemail. It felt like déjà vu, it seemed that the bad feeling she had months ago was an omen of what was to come.

 

She was just a fool, to believe that hearts wouldn’t change over time.

 

One year later…

 

Eunbi was on her way to her first day at work as the new team leader for IZ*ONE. She was incredibly nervous as she had only worked with fromis_9 since being transferred to OTR from another subsidiary of Stone Music Entertainment. Surely, she’d be able to a good job, like she did with fromis_9. The transfer to a new group was sudden but Eunbi took it with grace. She was sad to leave her team members, but she was confident she’d make new friends. Despite the fact that they would still be in the same building, it was actually hard to meet up with people from other departments and teams due to their busy lives at work.

 

Eunbi stood in line to wait for the next metro to arrive. It was getting warm inside the metro station, so she ped her jacket and loosened her red scarf. She glanced at her watch, thankfully she wouldn’t be late, she was on pace to get there at least 10 minutes earlier. She looked down and held her ID badge which was attached to her lanyard. The words “IZ*ONE team leader” was front and center under her picture. The weight of those words was heavy.

IZ*ONE was the latest girl group that debuted under OTR and there were high expectations of them from the general public and the company. They were doing well on the charts and were highly praised whenever they went on shows. However, the CEO felt that there was something lacking in the team leadership managing IZ*ONE, so there was a team shuffle and that’s how Eunbi got her fast-tracked promotion. The CEO also remarked that there would be more compatibility since Eunbi knew some of the members and that would facilitate communication with the group. The CEO had unknowingly placed pressure upon Eunbi to succeed the former team leader, and to bring out the full potential of IZ*ONE as a group, as well as the individual members. She was worried that she wouldn’t live up to the company’s expectations and started worrying a little.

Remembering what Yena had told her, Eunbi tried not to get ahead of herself by stressing over the “what-ifs,” and she didn’t want to psych herself out before having even started. She smoothed down her dress shirt and adjusted her blazer. I got this. I’m Kwon Eunbi, I can do anything.

Yena had given her a pep talk and did her best to hype up Eunbi for her first day as the new team manager. She had total faith in Eunbi and besides, it’s not like she didn’t know anyone in IZ*ONE. Yena insisted on yelling out chants to boost her fighting spirit, and well, Eunbi couldn’t really deny Yena when she was giving her those puppy eyes. So, she went along with Yena’s chants of: “I’m the best!” and “if I could get through SNU, I can do anything!” and vice versa. Though, truthfully, it did make her feel less nervous in the end. It was strange how being transferred to a new team felt like she was entering a whole new world, unprepared. But as always, her old teammates would be there for her if she needed them, and Yena was always a call away if she ever needed to talk to someone. She felt secure and stable with her support system.

 

The metro doors opened and Eunbi found a free seat and sat down. She unlocked her phone and browsed through the entertainment news section. She found the usual gossip and rumors, and only rolled her eyes at how everything was being blown out of proportion. People sure love their drama. After scrolling for a while on naver, and reading the news, Eunbi was bored. She contemplated texting Yena, but she figured that the girl was probably taking a shower at this time.

 

Eunbi looked up from her phone and saw a familiar figure pass by her. The girl was leading someone by holding their hand, and they sat across from Eunbi.

 

It was Sakura.

 

With her new girlfriend.

 

Eunbi’s whole world came to a screeching halt.

 

She was 25 again. And she could hear the sound of the breaking of her heart, echoing in her ears.

 

Her last words, “I’m sorry,” were a lie after all.

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Thank you for reading! I'm not sure if I did the story justice. Should there be a part two? Comment and let me know.

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