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Maybe if my heart stops beating, it won't hurt this much

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“Kids! I’m home!” I called out, kicking the door shut behind me with tupperwares of last night's leftovers in my hands. I don't really have kids, per se, what I have are my oh so childish members. Lisa, being the annoying person that she is, teasing Chaeyoung all the time, with my Jennie helping out the whining chipmunk by being savage towards Lili. It's always I riot, I tell you.

My phone's been buzzing the moment I got out of my car, I'll go check on it later, I bet it's Seulgi asking my plans for my birthday. Speaking of phone, we facetimed last night to exchange new year's greetings, well, me and the maknaes, I haven't talked to my Jennie since the day after christmas. It's unusual for us to not have a long phone conversation, just the two of us, before the actual facetime with the group. I miss her. If you're wondering, I sort of had something with Jennie years ago. I think I love her. No - I'm sure, a hundred percent sure that I love her. But yeah, she turned me down, not because the feeling's not mutual, but because she loved her dream more than me, don't get me wrong, I loved her even more because of that, that showed dedication to craft and how she'll never risk something like a same dating scandal to threaten our careers. No matter how sad that was, I moved on from the fact that we will never, ever be together out in public. I can only love her like this. I can only have her in secret, in my mind.

I sighed when no shouting girls came to meet me, I thought they should be here by now. I went straight to our dorm's kitchen to put down the food containers.

“Jesus! What the hell are you doing there?” I got surprised to see my Jennie standing there by the counter, just deadass staring at me. I never thought she'd be the first one to come back from our own homes, well, given that she's been MIA during our video call, I really had no idea when she's coming home.

I looked at her carefully and I felt weak seeing her sad and teary eyes. I always love her eyes, except when they're like this. My Jennie didn't answer me, adding worry over me. She's really sensitive, and despite having people badmouth her that she's a stone cold , truth is she's easily hurt. I've seen it thousands of times during our years together, and I just want to comfort her and take all the pain away every damn time. This look is kinda different, like bad different, she looks like she's about to tell me someone died.

“Jenduek, what's wrong?” I reached out to her, but she swatted my hand away as if my touch is the most disgusting thing that ever landed on her skin.

She just looked away from me, my Jennie looked away from me. And now I feel like something is seriously wrong. I can't stand this anymore, we stayed quiet for more minutes. I'm not one to push her to tell me things, but the silence is killing me. Before I even say another word, she looked at me again and stepped away.

Did I do something wrong? Now my throat feels dry, I'm not guilty or anything, but I feel like something bad's about to happen. I summoned all the courage left of me to find out what's bothering her.

“J-jen, seriously, are you okay? What's wrong?” I hate seeing my Jennie like this, she looked like when I first glanced at her, but seeing her up close, she looks messed up and haven't had any sleep at all. A single tear escaped her eye.

this , I hate feeling this, like I can't do anything to make her feel better. I feel like my chest hurts. She's about to walk away, but I held her hand, a stronger grip this time.

“Did something happen?” She tried her luck of pulling away again, but she's too weak, I can see it. Whatever's bothering my Jennie’s surely big to have this huge effect on her.

“Hey, hey, you can tell me.” It pains me to see her this miserable. Her tears starting to fall again, and this time I let go of her hand so that I could wipe those droplets of tears.

She just cried like that and it's scaring me. She still didn't answer me, she just turned her back on me. I want to help her, I want to fix whatever it is that needed fixing, I want her to spit it out. I want to know so badly.

“Jenduek, you can trust me, whatever it is. I'm here.” I reached out to her again, and that's when she let me. My Jennie faced me, finally. I run my fingers through her hair. I wonder what's on her mind, I wonder what made her cry. “I'm here.”  Like always.

“J-jisoo--” Her voice begins to break and she started trembling again.

She stopped abruptly when my phone started ringing like hell from my pocket, but now's not the time. I showed my Jennie that she's more important than anything by ignoring the continuous noise and reached out for her hand. I always loved it when I get to be the one warming her hands, I could feel how cold she is. I don't know if it’s just the weather, but just by looking at her, I'm sure it's not.

“I made a mistake...” She began, making me afraid of what's to come next. “...I made I mistake and I don't regret any of it.” I have never been more confused in my life.

“What are you talking about? What mistake?”

“I-I fell in love...with someone else.”

With someone else… I said it in my head to make it more clear, hoping I heard it wrong. It took me ten more repeats of that phrase to grasp what she said, to realize what she was talking about and what it meant.

. The realizations striking me. I feel like passing out. Sure, my Jennie's not really mine, but . I haven't prepared for this. I always thought she'd be mine when the right time comes. She looked at me like she's scared, like she cheated on me. It's not like she promised me we'd end up together when she's ready to risk it all, but yeah, she did promise that. So I guess I do have the right to feel this hurt and betrayed.

I wanted to confront her, but my stupid phone just keeps ringing and ringing, I could have just shut it off and throw it away, I didn't. I finally looked at the notifications bombing my accounts, messages after messages from my friends. All sending me a specific link. I know now is not the time to get distracted like this, but I got a bad feeling this has something to do with my Jennie. The look on her face is proving to be of help in pushing my fingers to click on it.

“Kai and Jennie reportedly went on a date at Sky Park, Nov 25

Kai picked up Jennie in his car and they went on a drive together

Also after Kai returned from Hawaii Dec 2, the first person he went to see was Jennie

They had been dating since at least October https://t.co/3TJG4ZQrKj”

I cannot believe what I had just read, I feel like my heart just stopped beating. All those times she told us she wanted to rest were actually spent on dates with that guy. I am actually reluctant to believe it at first, but her crying seems to have confirmed the worst. I thought all I needed was time to be able to call Jennie mine.

“So it's true?” I asked, I know it's dumb, but I had to know if she really did this mistake and actually not regretted it. I had to know if Kai's really so special that he's worth ruining a potential love story I have built up in my head, our supposedly future relationship.

“I don't regret the part that I fell in love, but I'm sorry---” Her voice is low and I could see her hand shaking as she answered. I guess I should stop calling her my Jennie then.

“And you're sorry because you broke the rules and risked your career like that, our careers as Blackpink?....” I could hear my own voice as it cracked, not really sure if I should continue, but I did. “Or because you told me you loved me too, that we could be together in the future, and that I actually believed in you?”

I felt the tears begin to form in my eyes. I always hated crying. Crying is for the weak, and I'm not that. But hearing all this, I'm sure I lost the battle with my mind of not letting her see me this weak. I tried so hard to stop myself from crying, but I failed. The least I could do now is to turn my back, so that's what I did, I can't even look at her face anymore.

“Unnie--” She starts again, but I waved my hand to cut her off.

It's unfair for Jennie to get a reaction like this. I'm not really mad about her lying to our CEO and have this courage to actually gamble with our future as a group. Despite the dating ban, I always believed that we are free to love whoever we want and be with that person, I'm just hurt that it wasn't me who Jennie picked to do that with, that it wasn't her love for me that gave her the strength to face the odds of an uncertain future if she outed her relationship like this, it was all Jongin.

I fixed myself before I turned back to face her. “Do you love him that much?” The silence I get from her answered my question. I hate it, I hate that Jennie didn't answer me hoping she lessen the pain by not saying it to my face.

“That’s what I thought.” That came out bitter. To be honest, I run out of words to say to her. Jennie deserves to be happy. I want to be the reason behind her gummy smile, but all I could do now is to let her go and let her love Jongin.

I feel the keys from my pocket and put my phone back. I turn my head out of the kitchen as I walk towards the door. I don't feel like being here anymore. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her took a step forward.

“Jisoo, I'm sorry.”

“Don't--- it's not your fault I fell for you, and really believed that we can be together someday. I just hoped you told me sooner. I bet you've been having a hard time lately keeping it all to yourself. Jennie, you could've let me in on it. I could've at least made you feel better by supporting this.” I could see in her face how much that stung. No, I didn't mean to sound hypocrite. I love Jennie with all my heart and it really hurts me to know she's been having this burden all by herself for god knows how long.

She needed me and I didn't notice that.

She broke down and let herself fall slowly on the ground, her back sliding against the fridge, ruining anything with magnets stuck on it. I lowered myself to level with her. “Shhh, Jen, breathe, just breathe.” She just cried harder than before.

. How can I leave her now in this state?

“I just-- you still manage to show how much you love me even after all this, after hiding this from you. Why are you always this good towards me when all I do is give you false hope and hurt you? Why, unnie? Why must you be like this?” I cupped her face to comfort her, I smiled unconsciously making her hit me in the arm.

“Yah, unnie! Do you love it when I'm this miserable?!” She pouted, which just made my smile grew wider.

“No, it's just unfair how you still manage to look this good, even when you're supposed to be ‘ugly crying’.” The adoring smile I have for her - it's involuntary, seeing how breathtaking the love of my life is, I guess my lips have always been this automatic. How can it not when Jennie's the most beautiful girl there is.

She just wrapped her arms over me and lay her head in the crook of my neck.

“When you asked me why I'm like this to you, my only answer is because I love you, Jennieya. I know it's wrong to tell you this now because you have Jongin, but yeah, I love you. There's no one else more deserving of a blissful life than you. And if you found that in someone else, then I'm very much willing to let the hope of us go.” I cannot believe how strange those words were for me. I always thought I'd be selfish when it comes to Jennie, but I guess not. Now I’m pretty sure I love her more than I love myself.

 I can feel the wet reaching my skin. “Stop crying now, my Jendeukie…” I know now she'll never be my Jennie, because she's my Jendeukie, she'll always be.

“I'm sorry, Chu. I'm sorry I lack courage back then when we had our chance. I'm sorry for hurting you, for making you cry.”

“Don't be. What I feel for you since then is the most magical feeling I felt in my entire lifetime. I don't regret loving you this much because it was a best experience for me, loving the best girl in the world. I'm just jealous that Jongin gets to do that now. He's one hella lucky man.” We stayed like this for a while, until I felt Jennie's weight starting to fall off my body.

Poor Jennie, she must've been so stressed out with that stupid Dispatch. Not to mention the stress of facing our CEO. She better be ready, I'm not really that worried, Jennie Kim is a tough one, she'll get through with this.

I carried her carefully all the way to her room. She never even woke up when I almost lost balance while scooping her up. I tucked her to bed, I'll miss sleeping beside her. I'll miss this, staring at her for a while as she sleeps. Most of the people sleep because they want to see their dreams come to life, how can I when my dream is already in front me. I smiled foolishly as I thought of that, it's true though, she is my dream - she was. I breathe out as I kissed her forehead gently.

She used to barge into my room and always share her stories with me, I never realized it until now, but yeah she stopped telling me stories in the past months. I should've known.

I sigh as I stand up from her bed. I looked at her one last time and touched her face softly, not wanting her to wake up. “I just wish I never had dragged you at the cafeteria.” I blurted out as if she can hear me.

The throbbing pain in my chest came back again, well, it never left, I just managed to not let Jennie see my worst to lessen her problems. If I could take even a little bit of pain from her, then I'll do it. Even if that means worrying over her feelings more than worrying over my heart's welfare. It hurts, so much so that I'm sure it's broken and will never be mended again.

I'm going to hell for this, but I leaned in and kissed her. I let my lips delicately touch hers. It taste just like I imagined, bittersweet, just like loving Jennie.

“I wish I didn't have to forget this.” I whispered right after that sinful touch. God, I'd do anything to kiss her again. We're over when we never ever began, but in my heart I know it's real, what we had was real. The pain is becoming unbearable again every time I breathe, I need to get out now.

I placed her under the comfort of her blanket before bolting for the door. As soon as the door's closing behind me, I let my tears fall. The worst part of it all was beneath the broken promises and false hopes, there's still a part of me that wishes to be with Jennie in the future.

I can only wish.

My phone buzzed again,

“SM Entertainment confirms EXO Kai and BLACKPINK Jennie are dating

"They have good feelings towards each other"

https://t.co/bmHdNnCAzE”

No matter how much I wanted to move on, I'm still stuck with her, as her member, her unnie, and her best friend. She needs me now more than ever and as sad as that is, I really, really need to let go now.

I closed my eyes as I beg to whoever's up there in charge of our fate, wishing that the man she chose over me would love her the same way I did, or greater than that, but I doubt it. I just want to kiss Jennie, to feel her skin against mine, to love her one last time, even when I know it's over, even when I know I've lost the battle.

Maybe in another universe with versions of us, the one where maybe I get to save lots and lots of people, the gods above would finally allow us to be together, that I'm yours and you're mine.

Letting you go isn't going to be easy, but I'll try. Anything for you, my Jenduekie. :)

/// I was meant to love you & always keep you in my life. I was meant to love you. I knew I loved you at first sight ///

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Extra: [es broken hearts by billie eilish]