It hurts. My head, my body, my heart, they are all aching.

 

But i should not cry. 

 

I have to smile at them. 

 

I have to be strong for them. 

 

Because i’m their unnie.

 

And most of all, because i love her. With every cells in my body. I really love her. I really do. 

 

So i have to be strong so i can wipe away her tears. Because he can’t at the moment. Not when the news just broke out. When all eyes are watching them like a hungry tiger watching at its prey. 

 

And besides, i was the one who’s always wipe her tears. Before he came. 

 

And i can always be the one who wipe away her tears. Anytime she needs me to. 

 

I inhaled deeply and look at my reflection in the mirror. I look like . No more goofy smile on my face. No more sparks in my eyes. But i forced out a small smile and exited my room. 

 

“Hey, have you guys eaten?” I asked Lisa and Chaeyoung who sits on the couch with their shoulder slumped down. 

 

They are always bickering when they’re together, most of the times it wasn’t that harmless just too loud for my likings, i hope they would stop. But now i really wish they could bicker with each other and annoy each other to death instead of huddling together at the corner of the long couch in our living room with their sad-gloomy face. 

 

I know they are just worry for their sister’s being. 

 

“I’m not hungry.” Lisa weakly uttered. Chaeyoung just nodded her head in agreement. 

 

“Yah, it’s noon now. You guys should eat something. I’ll ask for pizza delivery.” They didn’t say anything else after that. Maybe they already know that despite their protests, i will still find a way to feed them. Because i can be hella stubborn when i want to. And i’m still the oldest among them, one of my perks for being the oldest. 

 

Right after i’m done talking to the pizza guy and ask for delivery to our dorm, Jennie’s room suddenly cracked open. 

 

From inside the room, our manager oppa and Jennie are walking out with still heavy ambience surrounding them. As if there’s a dark cloud on top of their heads. 

 

“Are you going to bring Jennie somewhere, oppa?” I tried to masked my worry and calmly ask our manager. 

 

“Yang sajangnim asked for her. He wants her to meet him in his office.” He answered. 

 

“Can i go as well?”

 

“What for? It’s not like you’re the one who’s secretly dating her behind sajangnim’s back.” 

 

Ouch. I involuntarily flinched at that cold remark. The pain is doubled because i stupidly wishing i was indeed the one who’s secretly dating her behind sajangnim and everyone’s back. 

 

Manager oppa must have seen me flinching. And maybe maknaes are sending death glares at him too from behind my back. So he quickly apologized. 

 

“Sorry, Jisoo-yah. Maybe my words came out too strong than what i intended to. Sorry, girls. This issue give me so much headache too. I got an earful lecturing from my boss for not able to keep a good eye on you four and caused this scandal to happened. They said i’m such a disappointment. But on the other side, i can’t fully blame people for falling in love, can i? My conscience just can’t do that. So yeah i’m just confused and still a bit in shock i guess. Sorry for being such an just now.”

 

He’s right. He must have a real hard time too because of us. Because of this news that no one expected will be out like a bomb, the first thing in the morning as soon as you greet 2019. 

 

“It’s okay, oppa. We understand your position. But can’t i be there too? Please.. I promise i won’t enrage Yang Sajangnim even more. I just want to be there f—“

 

“Unnie, stop.” Her voice is low and unfriendly. “It’s my problem, my personal life problem. So please don’t interfere and back off.” Jennie coldly told me with that cold eyes of hers.

 

It feels so unfamiliar. She suddenly feels so unfamiliar to me. 

 

I think this is the first time ever she sent me that cold-hostile glare of her. 

 

Our manager tiredly sighed as he massages his throbbing temple. 

 

“Look Jisoo, i know you’re worried for Jennie but there’s nothing you can do for now. Sajangnim asked for Jennie only.  I will drive her back to here as soon as they are done with the talk i promise.”

 

And he softly added the last part, almost whispering, as if he wants me only to hear that, “And at that time, i believe she will really need you. So please be prepare.”

 

***

 

I keep pacing back and forth in our living room with Lisa and Chaeyoung accompany me. It has been almost 3 hours since Jennie and manager oppa left our dorm to meet Yang sajangnim. But until now they haven’t come back. 

 

It worried me to death. 

 

I really want to break down and cry too following Chaeyoung who’s currently inside Lisa’s protective embrace as the Thai girl trying her best to calm her down and consoled her. But again, i know i can’t do that. At least not yet. Not in front of them. 

 

Much to my relief, i heard someone pressing codes on our door lock and from the cctv i can see it’s Jennie with manager oppa who stand behind the door right now. My heart suddenly feels a bit lighter. 

 

“We’re back.” Manager oppa announced. 

 

I quickly run to meet them. But instead of greeting me, i saw Jennie running pass me and locked herself in her room. 

 

 

“What happened?” I waste no time to asked. 

 

“Yang sajangnim scolded her, of course. For broke the rules. For not telling him anything. He feels betrayed and beyond disappointed. And most of all he’s mad because she was being selfish with her reckless act. Her dating news might ruining her and BP’s image. But luckily sajangnim doesn’t ask her to lie to public or to break up with that boy. Maybe because that Stupid Management already confirmed the dating news before us. There’s nothing else we can do aside from confirm it too.” Manager oppa explained.

 

I have already seen it coming. I mean sajangnim’s not so good reaction. But still, hearing everything now make me feel more sorry for Jennie.

 

She get blamed for loving someone. People said love is the purest feeling. But why they blamed someone who fall in love?

 

What’s so wrong in loving someone? 

 

Why our world has to be so evil. 

 

Manager oppa’s voice brings me back to reality. 

 

“Jisoo-yah, now it’s the time. She needs you all to be there for her. But seeing you three at the same time might be too much for her at this moment. I think Jisoo should go and check on her alone.”

 

“Why me?” I curiously asked. 

 

“That brat.. she listens to you the most. She could defy us, her managers. She can defy the management and even Yang sajang, but she always gets weaken when it comes to you. You know how dependable she is toward you. And i believe she needs you the most right now. So please be there with her. Make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid or harmful.”

 

So that’s what the others see from their eyes huh? About me and her.

 

 

***

 

I softly knock on Jennie’s room door.

 

“Jennie-yah..” I tried to push her door open but i can’t. She locked the door. 

 

I must not give up easily. I know she can be as stubborn as me but like what manager oppa said, she always have a soft spot for me so i will use that. 

 

“Jendeuk-ah.. open the door. It’s me. Your.. Chichu unnie.” I softly pleaded. 

 

Soon after that i heard the door get unlocked and before i can comprehend anything, i found myself get pulled into a very tight-desperate hug. 

 

“Unnie.. unnie..” She sobs as she buried her face in the crook of my neck. Her body is shaking uncontrollably. "I'm sorry, unnie.."

 

. It hurts. It hurts even more. To see her crying like this in front of me. 

 

“Ssshh. There there.” I patter her back softly. “It's okay. Unnie is here. Unnie is here now to protect you. Don’t cry, hm?” I tighten my already tight hold on her and kissed her hair repetitively. I let my lips to linger there, on the side of her head as i listen to her cries. 

 

“It hurts, unnie. It hurts. Please make it stop.” She weakly pleaded. 

 

“Where’s the wound that unnie should heal, Jendeuk-ah?”

 

“I don’t know. There’s no wound. But my head is spinning like crazy. My chest is burning like crazy.”

 

“Why?”

Do you love that boy so much already to feel all of this? I inwardly asked. Too coward to listen to her answer.

 

“I don’t know. It’s just i’m so angry. With everything. When i was still enjoying the new year, when i thought everything was so perfect, they dropped the bomb and ruined everything. I’m also mad at everyone who blame me for going out with someone that i like. I have feelings too! I’m just a human! A girl after all! I want to have some fun too. And feel loved. He’s a nice man. A gentle one. He cares for me. And treated me well. I like the time that i spent with him. What’s so wrong in feeling all of those huh?! If they don’t want me to feel all of those, might as well they kill me so my heart will stop beating and it can’t feel anything anymore! So they’re all will finally feel satisfied!”

 

 

“Sshhhh. Hey hey.. Don’t say things like that. Don’t talk about dying so easily like that, please?” I beg with tears fogging my eyes. 

 

 

“Why?” Now it’s her turn to ask me why. This stupid brat. Does she even need to ask why? Isn’t the answer is already out even before she asked?

 

And why she has to be this cute with her messy hair, her red nose and glossy eyes? Why she still managed to make my heart do a somersault when she’s being a mess like this?

 

“Because.. i might die with you.”

 

“Maybe not physically dying because i promise to myself long time ago that i will never do suicide, that’s like the worst thing you could possibly do to yourself and to your loved ones, and a big insult to God, but surely i will die on the inside.”

 

“...Why?”

 

“Because you mean that much in my life, Kim Jennie. You mean that much to me. You play a big part in my life and you occupied a big part in my heart. Isn’t that obvious?”

 

“Is this your love confession to me, unnie?” She cracked a small teasing smile and softly nudged me. 

 

“Oh glad to know you can tease me now, Miss JenJen! And yeah, it’s my indirect love confession to you. But unfortunately you’re dating that Exo guy now. I have no chance anymore.” I faked a hurtful expression. Or maybe i’m not really faking it. 

 

“Don’t be silly. I might dating him because i like him. He’s romantic and fun to be with. And he likes me a lot. And that’s where the issue lies. Because i don’t know if i can like him as much as he likes me. While with you.. it’s different. Very different. You know i always love you, unnie. Since the first day we met until now. I always love you.”

 

“I’m not sure yet with my feeling for him. Whether it’s genuine, whether it can grow into something deeper or not, but seeing his kindness and efforts, i’m willing to try. While with you, i don’t need to try anything. Since long time ago, i already acknowledge my undying love for my Chichu unnie. So you’re wrong this time, unnie. You still have all that chances.” She ended her long speech with a playful wink. 

 

Guess the normal Jennie that i know already back. Much to my relief.

 

I’m too happy at the moment to have her normal self back that i kinda ignore her words earlier. I mean i heard them all but i decided to not think too much about it. She’s just being a sweet-talker, a playful kid like always, isn’t she? So no need for me to really contemplating on her words. Right?

 

The fact that she seems okay now is more than enough to make me happy and reassured. I don’t need anything else. Really. 

 

Because her happiness is what matters the most. Mine will come after hers. 

 

 

***

 

(24:15)

 

The hell?! Who’s calling in the midnight like this? I swear if it’s just a prank call from my friends or relatives that just want to greet me a happy new year, i’ll kill them. 

 

I have to pick it up before it wakes Jennie up too. And yeah, she sleeps with me. 

 

After our heart-to-heart talk in her room, she and i took our bath and eat the leftover pizzas before we head to bed. She said she wanted to sleep with me tonight so i let her be. 

 

I squinted my eyes as i tried to see my phone screen. 

 

Wait, the phone number is showing but no ID shown. Means i don’t have the caller number saved in my phonebook list. But i’m too sleepy to care or worried about that at the moment. Or maybe i’m just being stupid like always. 

 

“Hello?” There my raspy voice answered. I believe even the dumbest person in this world could tell that i just woke up because of the call. This caller should at least feel guilty toward me. 

 

“Hello, is this Kim Jisoo?” Nope. She sounds very okay. No hint of guilt or anything in her voice. 

 

“Yea. Who is this?” I grumpily asked. 

 

“Sorry for waking you up. And sorry again i can’t really tell you my name ‘cos i supposed to not reveal my identity. But seriously tho, can’t you recognize my voice...? THIS VOICE??” She emphasized. 

 

Huh? Should i know this voice?

Who do you think you are, missy? One of the legendary girl group member or something?

 

But i swear the caller’s voice sounds familiar in my ear. As if i often hear this voice somewhere. But unfortunately i still can’t tell who the speaker actually is. 

 

“Besides, we share the same surname. But anyway, listen to this carefully. For i’m not going to repeat what i said.” She ordered with such authority. 

 

I don’t know what’s gotten into me, maybe i’m too sleepy to fight back, but i found myself stupidly nodding my head, as if she can see me, and paying my full attention to her, this stranger who randomly called me in the middle of the night. 

 

“Sometimes..” She begins. “..it’s better to be just the best friend, because that way you can keep her by your side longer. It’s the safest excuse to be with her for the longest time without being questioned nor criticized. Because lovers, boys, men, they are come and go. But best friends remain. You guys are still young. It’s normal to make mistake. And when you get older, you’re going to look back at those mistakes and be thankful for it because they taught you lessons and m—“

 

“No.” I cut her off. “Look miss stranger, i might be still young but i know loving her is not a mistake.” I firmly stated. There’s no way i could make any mistake by loving Kim Jennie. 

 

“Hahahaha~” The caller suddenly laughed. Wait, this ahjumma laugh? No way! Don’t tell me she’s the one i thought she is in my head right now?!

 

“You really reminded me of my younger self. I like it.” She softly chuckled and continues,

 

“Listen, i didn’t say your feeling for her is a mistake. She’s the one who’s probably making the mistake right now. By loving him. When actually she doesn’t. She thought she loves him. But later she will understand that he’s not the one who she wants to spend her forever with. In fact, it might be YOU, Kim Jisoo-ssi that she wants to spend her life time with. Just a hypothesis of mine. Based on my personal life experience.”

 

“But anyway, what i’m trying to say is you don’t have to be in such despair or whatsoever because of heartbreak. Because your story with her might not ended yet. It might just a downhill but not the ending. Instead of crying, or even worse forced yourself to be away from her, just like what i used to do in the past, just be there for her. Fight for her. Before you’re fighting the world with her. And praying for her to realize her true feeling faster so you can ended your waiting faster too. Ah, guess i’m talking too much now. I should really go. My baby needs me.”

 

“You have a baby???” I don’t even know why i’m so surprised. When i don’t even know for sure who is the one i’m talking to right now. 

 

“Yeah. Not a real baby as in a human baby. It’s a Poodle dog, you silly. He needs me. Gotta go. But anyway, hwaiting for you, Jisoo-ssi. Go get your girl! You got my blessing. Bye!”

 

And the line got disconnected. 

 

I’m still in a deep confusion, still trying to comprehend and take in all of the talk and things that i just had with this very wise yet mysterious stranger, when i feel a pair of soft warm hands pull me down to lay on my bed again. 

 

“Who are you talking to in the middle of the night like this, unnie?” Jennie asked with her sleepy voice as she cuddles closer to me like my Dalgomie. 

 

“Just a sunbae.”

 

“Who?”

 

“She doesn’t mention her name but i think i know her.”

 

“I know i already told you more than thousand times but i just want to say it again.. you’re weird, unnie. How can you talked to someone that you’re not sure of who are they. What if they are bad?” She nags. 

 

I just nonchalantly shrugged. 

 

“Whatever. You’re weird. There i said it again. Let’s just continue our sleep. Come here. I feel cold without you to warm me up. Now hug me.” She cutely, yet bossily ordered me. 

 

I just smiled at her cuteness and of course gladly complied. 

 

We fall into a deep silence. Soon i heard she breathes steadily in my embrace. 

 

“Sleep tight, Jendeuk-ah.” I raised my left hand and caressed her soft black hair.

 

“No matter what’s waiting for you ahead, i promise i’ll always be by your side. I’ll stay by your side for a long long time. So don’t get bored of me too fast, okay?”

 

With that i close my eyes too and get ready to sleep. 

 

Maybe it’s the exhaustion, because all of the dramas, the roller coaster ride of emotions i had today, i easily fall into my slumber land. Following Jennie.

 

Or so i thought. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Unnie..? Ah you’re really sleeping now eh? You pabo.. How can i get bored of you when you always make every minute, every second that i spend with you full of laughters and smiles? After all, i’m the happiest when you’re around, unnie. Don’t you know that yet? So please, keep staying around. For a long, very long time. I love you.”