"I'm good by myself, don't need no one else. Don't tell me that you got a good thing for me."

- Kehlani, Good Thing

“Joohyun.”

“Hmm?”

“You’ve been holding that polaroid for like, I don’t know, ten minutes now.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

Bae Joohyun looked away from the picture – of herself and a certain person whose name was no longer relevant to her – and glanced at the various little piles surrounding her.

Her room was a mess of piles.

She looked up at the figure sitting on her desk with a lollipop in . “Where should I put this?”

“I don’t even know what the piles around you are for.”

“You’re no help, Sulli.”

“And that,” her friend said, giving a smile full of cheeky innocence, “is why I’m younger and less experienced than you in these things.”

“You’ve literally gone on more dates than I have.”

“And I still don’t have a boyfriend, therefore, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to break up,” Sulli chirped, holding her lollipop to the golden light that was illuminated by the ensuing sunset, “You sure you can do it before it gets dark outside?”

Joohyun mulled this over for a moment, before turning back to the polaroid in her hand.

She remembered this memory.

They were at a bar to spend their fifth anniversary together, and he had made sure that they came during jazz – she loved jazz – and they were watching the live band strike up a really nice tune which was definitely not on the usual setlist, and in the middle of it, he had asked her to dance with him in the middle of the dance floor.

She scoffed softly. He was always so full of grand gestures; their dates were elaborately planned, right down to the choice of wine, to the dress code, to the different activities. She needn’t do too much when she was the girlfriend of an events planner.

The polaroid was a picture of them standing outside the bar, she in a sparkly dress that gleamed even in the dimness of the photo, and him in an all-white ensemble that made him look like he had stepped out of an old Hollywood movie.

He was so dashing that evening, he took her breath away; she couldn’t stop staring. Everyone noticed him, and all he looked at was her.

That was, until-

“You know what,” she said abruptly, reaching for the cardboard box that had been keeping all these mementos, “Let me just grab everything, and we’ll head downstairs.”

Sulli frowned. “Huh, what for?”

Joohyun reached for the piles, grabbing them roughly and tossing the contents into the box before moving onto the next pile, doing the same thing while her friend watched curiously.

She pointed to her wardrobe. “There’s a box of letters inside. Take them out and bring them here,” she said, and Sulli hopped off the dresser, tiptoeing over piles to the wardrobe, reaching into the mountain of clothes and extricating the powder blue box that was tied with red ribbon.

It was a box from a birthday gift he had bought for her. He had bought her a book, knowing how much she loved books, and wanted to give her something that he knew she would like.

No romance, no drama. Just plain old science fiction, that’s what you like, with a hint of the impossible, and a dash of chemistry between the main characters. But not too much smothering.

That’s what you like. Happy Birthday, my love.

Joohyun blinked quickly, trying to keep the prickly sensation she felt in her eyes. She couldn’t bear to open the box, but soldiered on, pulling one end of the ribbon and then the other, before opening the box to peer at the contents inside.

The letters were neatly bound by string, grouped by month.

He had sent her so many letters.

She resisted the urge to open the letters that were addressed to her. Swallowing hard, she placed the lid back onto the box, retied it, and tossed it into the cardboard box with the rest of her things.

Then she got up, and almost fell against Sulli because her legs were dead from all that sitting, and she could feel pinpricks all over her feet as she gathered everything and lugged the box out of her room.

He didn’t mean it. I’m sure it was my fault too.

Long distance relationships are difficult, especially when you have needs to take care of.

It was my fault too. I didn’t want to leave with him. And I’m pretty sure when he was away from me, he couldn’t keep himself away.

She still couldn’t believe that her boyfriend of five years – five freaking years – had been at a club gyrating against random girls on the dance floor, and had the audacity to have videos of a girl in his bed posted on Instagram the following morning for the world to see. 

Travel was a common thing for him, a part of his career that she had always supported. And it had never been an issue until he had to take longer trips. 

She wouldn’t have been so adamantly stubborn if she hadn’t seen it for herself after receiving DMs from mutual friends.

And she was definitely not expecting him to remain unapologetic, blaming it on the fact that they had a long distance relationship that made it difficult to work. Hell, she didn't even hear the word 'sorry' leave his lips, nor on text. 

It simply felt unfinished, and even then, wherever he went, there were other girls. She could see it, and she had had enough of holding onto the doomed romance that was as bad - if not, worse - than her WiFi connection. 

She would no longer hold any regrets, because clearly he didn't.

She swallowed again as she walked downstairs, and opened the door to the field at the back of the house.

“What are you going to do- oh,” Sulli’s voice floated behind her, and she dropped the box onto the ground.

Everything inside was thankfully either made of paper or fabric, and she turned, holding her hand out.

“Lighter, please.”

Her friend was leaning against the doorframe, giving her a surprised expression. “Just a reminder, I don’t smoke anymore,” she said, reaching into the pocket of her jeans, “This just happened to be in my pocket and I’m thankful that it’s of use to you.”

She grinned. “Bull,” she said, chuckling to herself, “That day will come when pigs fly.”

Sulli gave her a beaming smile that was brighter than the sun. “You know me too well,” she said sheepishly, “Hey, I’ve cut down, okay. Have a heart, support me in my journey.”

“Of course, you know I’m always here for you,” Joohyun replied distractedly, reaching for the polaroid she had been holding earlier to the flame, watching as it consumed the photo bit by bit and dropping it into the cardboard box, watching as it began to ignite.

The teddy bear he had bought for their first anniversary was the first thing the flames hit, and she stared as the baby blue fur became black.

She had considered sending it back to him, but then Sulli had warned her that continued communication was just going to make her feel even more despondent, and so she decided that, since he had bought it for her anyway, she would simply cast it away.

Besides, what good would a teddy bear do for him anyway?

The orange flame the side of the boxes, and the smell of burning paper filled her nostrils, making her step back as the smoke intensified.

Before long, the sound of fire crackling sounded like a comforting melody as she watched all evidence of her relationship go up in flames. The heat was warm on her face, a caress that was both exquisite and painful as she stared at the fire before her.

It was a beautiful sight, and she was probably going to have a black spot on the grass once everything turned to nothing, but she supposed that that was the price to pay for healing.

You’ve got to turn to ash before you can be reborn.

Sulli appeared next to her, still on her lollipop. “He is gone now.”

“Good.”

Joohyun noticed her friend turn to her, but didn’t do the same.

“… I thought perhaps you loved him. That you would be sad to see him go.”

“I did.”

“He was good for you, while he was around.”

She nodded, a small smile coming to her face. “Yes he was. He was the best thing that happened to me.”

“Then why are you happy he is gone?”

She took a deep breath. “Because I hated myself for loving him, despite the fact he hurt me,” she responded, devoid of emotion, “Even now, a part of me hates the fact that I don’t have anything left to look back on.”

“It’s going to be okay. The more you have something, the more you hold onto it,” her friend said, “Besides, you don’t need a good thing to feel good. You’re good by yourself.”

“Mm-hmm.”

A few seconds passed as they both watched the cardboard box getting completely engulfed in flames, and she felt Sulli’s hand slipped into hers supportively.

She gave it a squeeze.

“Damn, it feels hot suddenly. Wanna go for ice cream later?”

She glanced at her friend, breaking into a smile. “You read my mind.”

Starting to go back into writing, and life has been hectic, with an overseas internship in Bali, and I just thought I'd start with small chapters in order to get back the rhythm of writing. Hope it would enable me to come back to Awkward, especially now that Sulli is no longer with us. 

I wanted to have this with her, because she was larger than life. f(x) was my first girl group, and I wanted to pay a homage to her in this because she was such a joy to the people around her. She didn't deserve the treatment by K-netz, and the only thing that gives me relief is that at least her soul would no longer take such cruelty.