I should have learnt my lesson back in 2016 but I just didn’t. I wonder why now, I was doing fine, I mean I have been in love for many years and yet just now I started with symptoms. Is there a logic explanation doctor Kang? - asked Kyungsoo while seating comfortably in a chair inside the office.

Mmmm, every story is different and each patient is unique. Unfortunately I have seen a lot of cases during my years of practice. There’s a pattern though: People don’t show signs unless they are absolutely sure there’s no hope at all. What I am trying to say is that perhaps there was a tiny part inside of you hoping for a chance. That part kept you away from developing Hahanaki. This time you are completely aware of your position and his feelings, you have assumed there is no hope at all- responded doctor Kang.

It’s true… I’m sure now, because with his previous relationships there were no signs he was truly in love. He wasn’t affectionate towards them, however now… Could you give me details about Hanahaki? - inquired Kyungsoo.

There are three stages, the first one is called “Seeds” people often mistake the growing of seeds with the term “butterflies in the stomach”: if love is reciprocal the seeds won’t grow and Hanahaki ends there. Stage two is “Growing” here the seeds start to grow with roots, petals and vines. Patients show signs of arrhythmia, stomachache, chest pain, production of petals and coughing of them. The third and last stage is “Blossom” were patients produce whole flowers, they are expelled through coughs the same as the previous stage. Seeds take over the body from the inside, patients become terminal unable to eat or breath properly, and they die from malnutrition or asphyxiation. Hanahaki can be lethal Mr. Do- explained doctor Kang.

With a trembling voice Kyungsoo made his next question: what about the treatment?

Normally we treat the first symptoms with common medication. Patients tell the people around them they have gastritis in case they get questions. There are huge improvements, patients fall out and Hanahaki ends- responded doctor Kang.

Is that my option? - wondered Kyungsoo.

I’m sorry but this apply just for patients in stage 1, you are currently suffering from symptoms of stage 2 Mr. Do, this treatment won’t be enough for you-

What are my other options? - Kyungsoo was getting more and more worried.

We need to treat your symptoms with medication, some councelling sessions will be needed in order to understand the origins of your feelings, and you can plan a way out. If you are able to identify the roots you may have good chances of recovering- doctor Kang explained with a reassuring tone.

I’m scared to ask this but… but…mmm, what would happen to me if I don’t fall out?-

Hanahaki will continue its development, you will reach stage 3 leaving you with only two options: confess and make the person you love to return your feelings or get a surgery to remove the seeds in which case you won’t have any feeling left, not even a single memory of the person you love- detailed doctor Kang.

Kyungsoo’s face showed a mixture of emotions: frustration, disappointment, worry, but above all hopelessness. Kyungsoo had been in love with Jongin as long as he could remember. From the first time they crossed paths at SM. Kyungsoo had only learnt to look at one person, he had learnt to love only one person. Kyungsoo had hoped for years to be the one inside Jongin’s heart. Becoming friends was a curse disguised as a blessing: talking, sharing thoughts, living under the same roof, travelling together, receiving affection from Kai used to be enough, but not any longer. Although Kai had had dating history, this time it felt different: Kim Jongin had finally fallen in love and the lucky person wasn’t Kyungsoo, with a heavy heart and after long minutes of reflection Kyungsoo spoke:

How soon can I start with my treatment?-

As soon as now. I will prescribe you some medications and your councelling sessions can be arrange according to your availability. I am aware of who you are and what you do Mr. Do confidentiality is a must. I can offer myself as your counselor if it pleases you- suggested doctor Kang.

That would be perfect, I just won’t feel comfortable enough telling my story all over again. Thanks a lot for being so understanding- said Kyungsoo.

It’s ok, please buy this pills and refer to my secretary to make our councelling appointment- Doctor Kang gave a prescription to Kyungsoo and stood up, signaling Kyungsoo to do the same, they walked to the door together- I’ll be seeing you soon Mr. Do-

Yeah, I suppose- Kyungsoo put on his actor face masking his feelings, he went to the secretary and found a spot for his appointment. Then he left the hospital and went to a pharmacy, after purchasing his meds he went inside the car. There he let go all of his emotions by crying, this wasn’t pleasant, his feelings were taking over his body: loud sobs were heard, big sad tears covered his cheeks, his beautiful brown eyes were clouded, he bit his pretty lips trying to cover the sounds he was making but nothing could prevent the sadness to escape from him. After long minutes he composed himself, once he was sure there were no trace of his outburst he drove back home. I am lucky to have taken so many lessons on acting-

By the fourth session doctor Kang saw no signs of improvement, his patient was deeply in love, the symptoms were still present.

This is so unfair, why can’t I just forget everything? Jongin looks so happy when he’s around her. I am a terrible friend. It’s getting harder for me because every time I look at him it hurts. My lungs are not as good as they used to be, I can’t breathe properly. This is so frustrating, I’m overwhelmed. I have really tried to get over him, but nothing works; I even love his imperfections. I can’t see the end of the tunnel doctor Kang-

Kyungsoo don’t beat up yourself. You are not the bad guy in this story. You are just a human being in love. It’s a normal feeling don’t feel guilty to experience such a pure emotion- said doctor Kang.

I can’t think straight lately. Our comeback is just around the corner. I have messed the choreography many times. I’m just lucky that Chanyeol messes everything more than I do otherwise the members would have already noticed that something is going on with me- explained Kyungsoo.

Maybe this come back is the best for you: with promotions and all the extra activities your head is going to be so busy that your heart won’t have the time to catch up- suggested doctor Kang.

I hope you’re right doctor- added Kyungsoo.

Don’t Mess Up My Tempo promotions came and the premier of Swing Kids made Kyungsoo stay busy at all times. Jongin was so happy he forgot to take extra care of the paparazzi, a perfect storm was on its way. One day, noticing how tired his hyung was, Jongin invited Kyungsoo to have dinner with him.

Ah! This is just like old times hyung. Do you remember? We used to go out and dine together in this restaurant before- said Kai.

Yes, I remember. Our fans went crazy everythime they caught us going out, this is just like old times Jongin- when I didn’t have petals growing up inside Nini- added Kyungsoo looked away from the face he loved so much: it was true this was the same restaurant they visited before, food was as great as always but Jongin was not the same as before: more mature, self-assured, more handsome, years were doing a great job with him. Just like old times when you never really saw me Jongin- Kyungsoo let a sigh escape from his lips.

Is there something wrong? , you look pale Kyungsoo- Jongin asked very concerned.

Nah, I’m just tired Nini, it has been a very exhausting comeback don’t worry - said Kyungsoo with a soft smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Jongin was busy sending a text to Jennie, he didn’t notice the melancholic expression of Kyungsoo. You make me feel so lonely Jongin.

As the night progressed Kyungsoo was feeling sicker, he barely touch his food, an itchy feeling was scratching his throat and the urge to throw up was huge:

I’m going to the toilet, I’ll be right back- said Kyungsoo standing up.

Ok Soo, I’m gonna make a phone call I’ll be waiting for you here- commented Jongin

You can’t get enough of her, can’t you? - Kyungsoo bitterly thought while walking away. He went inside the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He coughed so much, he couldn’t breathe properly, after some agonizing minutes a petal was expelled: it had a pale blue color... a blue rose. Kyungsoo carefully took it and examined the petal in his hand. After minutes of contemplation he placed it inside his wallet, he planned to give it to doctor Kang in his next appointment. Kyungsoo went back to Jongin and they paid the bill leaving the restaurant soon after.

***

Oh my! This is bad news Kyungsoo. It means that you are in stage 3 of Hanahaki. I am afraid to tell you I have even worst news- said doctor Kang.

Can this get any worse? – questioned Kyungsoo.

Actually, yes. This petal corresponds to a blue rose means untaintable. From all the flowers you can develop roses are more aggressive, the thorns make the patient suffered more violent symptoms, I’m really sorry Kyungsoo you need to tell me now what you want to do- explained doctor Kang.

I guess there’s only one way: surgery. How long does it take? – asked Kyungsoo already resigned to his fate.

In your case is going to take four to seven hours to take everything out. You have to consider post-surgery cares, a total of 2 days would be enough. I can appoint the surgery as soon as you have time- said doctor Kang.

I’m so tired right now, the end of the year is taking a toll on me. I’m going to ask for vacations in January, I can’t face Jongin any longer. Hell!! I think I won’t even have the energy to see him in my birthday, not even think about his birthday. ! His girlfriend birthday is coming too!! –Kyungsoo was having a mild panic attack.

Hey, Kyungsoo, please stay with me. Follow my instructions: breathe in, hold your breath, and breathe out. This is unfair but it will pass, I promise you will feel fine. Breathe in, hold your breath, breath out. Take my hand, it’s ok to cry, let it all out. I’m here with you- after some minutes and encouraging words doctor Kang was able to calm Kyungsoo and fix a date for his surgery. A last suggestion was made by doctor Kang:

Since you are getting the surgery, I recommend you spend your last days next to Jongin, it will lessen your symptoms. Plus making last memories it would also be nice, maybe you can make activities you haven’t tried before with him. Do them now. After you get the surgery, things won’t ever be the same.

I guess I can make it, I have nothing to lose. It isn’t like he will miss my love. Once the news of his dating go out SM is going to make a fuss, I’ll take your advice doctor I’ll make sure to make memories, after all I will have to pretend I know him after the surgery my feelings will be gone along with Hanahaki- said Kyungsoo.

True to his words he spent more time with Jongin, but petals were difficult to hide, instead of his pale blue petals he was coughing red ones. Doctor Kang told him they meant love, in this case the combination of both colors meant untaintable love. Kyungsoo made actions that were uncommon: getting closer to Jongin in fan signs, looking at him in the red carpet, doing aegyo for him in front of fans. Even though it hurts I don’t resent loving you Jongin. I’ve been holding on to you for so long but I have let it go, thanks for the memories- Kyungsoo meditated at night.

Hyung, what are we going to do for our birthdays? - asked Jongin.

Huh? What do you mean Jongin? - asked a confused Kyungsoo.

Our birthdays are coming we have celebrated them for years, we must not break the tradition- explained Jongin looking expectantly at Kyungsoo.

Well, actually we won’t celebrate together this year. I’m going on vacations, remember? It going to be my first time after seven years- explained Kyungsoo.

But hyung, why can’t you take your vacation before? Or maybe after? - A pouty Jongin was asking. His aegyo was a lethal weapon, but there was no way for Kyungsoo to reveal the reason why he was going away, turning on his best poker face he said:

I’m sorry but I want to spend my birthday with my family. I’m sure this year is going to be different for you, Jennie’s birthday is coming soon too. Perhaps you can get to celebrate together with her, plan this out Nini, I’m sure you’ll have a great time- said Kyungsoo.

As expected, paparazzi leaked out the relationship of Kai and Jennie and fans went nut. All the commotion made the rest of the members be constantly on guard. Kyungsoo knew this was coming and remained stoic. He just didn’t have the heart to be mad anymore, all he wanted was to have the surgery as soon as possible. He was glad to be such a great actor. No one suspected anything, days passed. Members were convinced he was going to travel and have quality family time. No one questioned when Kyungsoo prepared his luggage, Kai was under a lot of pressure: with positive encouraging messages and lots of hate from Knets. If he had just paid enough attention he would have seen the signs: Kyungsoo powerful gaze lacked liveliness, his pale complexion was even paler, his heart shapped lips were chapped, and his smile wasn’t real.

The day of his farewell came, Kyungsoo prepared himself mentally for facing the last moment: because he hadn’t gone on vacation for so long it was no surprise all Exo members gather around him to send him away. Kyungsoo took his time saying bye to each of them. He left Kai for the last on purpose:

There are so many things I wanted to say but I guess there is not enough time. Have a great birthday, enjoy a lot. I’m glad you have found love Nini, don’t mind the mean comments as long as you are happy everything will work out fine. I’ll take our shared memories with me, the hardships we overcame, the path we walked, the late night talks we had, the happy moments, thanks for everything Kim Jongin have a great life.

Hyung, you are scaring me. Your farewell looks like a final goodbye, is there something you are not telling me? You know you can trust me-said Kai in a very worried tone.

Nah, don’t mind me. I guess I got emotional, after all I’m going away for days, but with the dramatic farewells the guys gave me I felt extra conscious, don’t worry about me Jongin. Give me a last hug before I get too sappy, don’t make me look weak Nini-

Hyung, I’ll miss you so much. Take care. Call me as soon as you can- Said Kai while hugging Kyungsoo.

I don’t think there’s reception where I am going, you know I love quiet places, but as I said before don’t mind me. I’ll be fine. Jongin saranghae. Goodbye. Let me hug you a bit longer. It’s the last time I get to hug you with my real feelings- Kyungsoo poured all his emotions in his last hug. Gathering his remaining energies he started to say his last good byes

Bye guys, don’t burn down the place please, actually stay away from my kitchen. This is the only time that you’ll get to hear this: Saranghae guys. See you in a week- with his last words Kyungsoo left the apartment, loaded his car and drove to the hospital. He was assigned a room.

There’s one last step Kyungsoo. You have the chance to say goodbye: you can write a letter or record a video, this process helps the patient for further references, in case that you have to keep on contact with the subject of your affection. Since no feelings or memories will be left behind you have to fake in order to not draw any suspicious towards your behavior- explained doctor Kang.

The video is too risky I prefer a letter doctor Kang-

Ok, here you have paper and a pen. Take your time. Whenever you are ready call the nurse by pressing the button on the left side of your bed- said doctor Kang

Thanks a lot doctor Kang-

It’s ok Kyungsoo, if you want you can call me by my name, I’m Kang Young Hyun, since we will continue with the councelling sessions, it would make you feel more at ease- suggested doctor Kang.

In that case, thanks a lot Young Hyun- said Kyungsoo while taking the copybook and pen offered. The doctor left the room, Kyungsoo was left alone.

What can I write? Just whatever...

Dear future Kyungsoo,

I’m your old self, this is strange. I never thought I’d be writing a letter to myself, yet here we are. I want to say many things but I have no words for all the feelings I have inside. Let’s start with the beginning: you had Hanahaki Disease and got the surgery. You have no memories of the person that triggered the symptoms but I’m here to tell you: you fell for Kim Jongin, as cliché as it sounds it was love at first sight. He was scared of you at first, since you were not wearing you glasses he thought you were scary. After some time you two became good friends. As years passed your initial crush became more intense and you didn’t even know when was the first time you notice you were in love. Everything was fine for years, you saw him growing up, becoming such a handsome person, you used to love his personality, the way he dance, smile. Heck! You even learnt to love his imperfections. His eyes were pretty, his voice when calling your name, everything about Kim Jongin was beautiful. However, once Jongin fell in love for real you knew you were ed up. The surgery was your last resort, you tried with other therapies but the thorns are damaging you until the point of unbearable pain. You could no longer wish for a happy Kaisoo ending, because unlike the fanfics this is real life and sad endings are inevitable. Holding onto a one sided feeling is doing you no good Kyungsoo, that’s the reason you are letting go. Memories so precious filled you inside, the days of laughter and fun will be left behind. Pain is only temporary, maybe someday you will meet someone who can make you happy. Remember this decision was the only way, because no matter what you want your love for Jongin is already over. Everything has passed.

Kyungsoo tore the paper, placed it inside an enveloped and put it inside his belongings, he proceeded to press the button. A nurse came and explained the procedure, everything was going to be done. The surgery took place the day before his birthday. Kyungsoo woke up on January 13^thwith zero feelings towards Jongin, a new life was waiting for him, and a calm smile was drawn in his pretty lips…

**

Doctor Kang, your next patient is waiting for you- announced the secretary through the intercom.

I’m done with the files, please let him in- answered doctor Kang while making his last signature in the case of the patient Do Kyungsoo, a successful surgery was done. He closed the file and stood up to greet his patient.

Hi there, my name is Kang Young Hyun, specialist in Hanahaki Disease, what’s your name?

Hi doctor Kang, my name is Kim Jongin, nice to meet you- answered a sad looking Kai.