It's nice tuesday morning , first day of the year 2019 and Kyungsoo thought best way to start the year is to make breakfast for s. Strangely , he woke up extra early this morning, not that he isn't a morning person but this day should be their time to slack off and relax cause it's holiday which is thing that they get once in a blue moon.  A little bit of stretching and yawning , Kyungsoo tried his best to fully awake himself. A smile creeped into the corners of his lips when he thought of something , someone , rather. He excitedly went out from his bed to look out for that someone up there  in their shared deck but kyungsoo's just faced by a clean, smooth bed up there. Jong In didn't go home last night? that's weird. Though a little skeptical about  his thoughs , he went straight to the living room only to find out that three of s are already awake , sitting on the sofa and holding their own cellphones. Something is off.  Baekhyun did not  whined out loud to make him cook for breakfast or say scandalous things. Chanyeol neither , who has his full attention to his phone , not even acknowledging his presence. Jongdae cleared his throat to ease the growing tension and awkwardly smiled at him. Weird things are happening this morning and he has strange intimidating feeling that this day is really unsual , in a bad sense.

"Kyungsoo, you're awake now? How's your sleep?" Jongdae said out of no where that made him  cringe a little cause everyone in the room can sense that Jongdae's voice is tensed , as if he's trying his best not look nervous or awkward as he already is. What ever it is that made these people quiet and awkward early in the morning , Kyungsoo doesn't dare to be curious or does he ?

He  plastered his usual cheeky smile to s , trying to cover the growing tension as well as the growing heavy curiousity in his heart. 

"What is it? You guys seem like frozen penguin right now. You all still alive?" His plan to look calm was savotaged by his cracking voice and that made the three focused their full attention to him. He calmly sit to the couch , cross legged. 

A nervous chuckle escaped from baekhyun's mouth " But you're the only penguin here , soo" then it was followed by the the fake laugh of Jongdae and Chanyeol. You can literally hear them laughing like a comic character that goes with Ha ha ha. This time , kyungsoo chose not to go along with them. No matter how bad things they are trying to cover , it is really  pain in the to see his friends pretending like this so he bravely asked ,"what is it guys?really". 

And there , the three beagles went completely silent. Baekhyun pinched chanyeol's arm and lip pointed towards his direction. The latter man sighed and went to him with a phone on his hand but even before he can asked again , the phone on his sweat pants rang. He got the phone from his pocket only to see his favorite person's name on the screen. With a visible knot on his forhead he immideately answered the call. 

"Hyung! The new's finally out. I'm so scared but it feels like a huge rock has been taken out from my heart. Do you think , our fans will bash her? Us? Hmm"

Kyungsoo didn't even had a chance to say "hello" because JongIn excitedly greeted him with a certain news. He thought for a minute what news it's supposed to be so he looked at chanyeol again and asked for  his phone. Chanyeol hesistantly gace it to him and He doesn't have to search for anything cause here it is , in front of his face , in bold letters and pictures of two idols , reportedly dating. He can litterally felt his heart sank when he later realised that the man in the picture is the only person he never thought he would see again in a dating news. The article goes by ;

[EXO Kai and Black Pink Jennie are  reportedly dating....] 

If hearts can skip a heartbeat , Kyungsoo will say that his heart did for a second then it was followed by a sudden heavy feeling in his heart as if it was ripping apart. Literally. He didn't expect this nor see it coming like a huge sea waves ready to eat him alive. 

"Hyung??" Jong In's voice on the other line doen't seem to register in his mind. All he can think of as of the moment is the news that was supposed to be exciting that made Jong In forget to say hello hyung , good morning when he calls him early in the morning like he usually does. Kyunsoo , instinctively put his free hand on his mouth when a small whimper almost escape from his lips. He tries his best to compose himself to avoid making him look even more pathethic. His eyes stings so much for stoping tears from falling but he can't let his dignity fall together with his wounded heart. 

"I-I'm happy for you. (it ing hurts like hell)F-finally you can date the person you love , freely (i really thought it was me) , when are you coming back so w-we can celebrate (please don't come home ,i can't bear to see you right now)"  and with that, the thin line of bravery he has finally cut off. He can't bear it anymore so he just clicked the end call button and faced his friends who are now looking at him worriedly. Kyungsoo gave back the phone with a forced a smile. 

"I'll make breakfast for you guys. Just give me a second. I'll take a quick shower hmm?" He didn't wait for their response as he stormed out from the living room straight to his and Jong In's shared room which now feels cold like it's never been before. All the tears he's trying to hold back earlier freely runs from his eyes and Kyungsoo doesn't know what hurts anymore cause his whole system feels weak , numb and aching at the same time. He feels like an arrow pierced his heart. He cleanched his chest area as if it can ease the pain he's feeling righ now. 

He felt betrayed , no , he felt stupid. Stupid for not noticing the small gestures Jong In made these past few days. Stupid for not giving his full attentiom when Jong In told him about his trip to parris last october and still stupid for not getting the hint when Jong In asked him last day to just support him what ever happens. Kyungsoo wants to shout his heart out. He badly wants to cry it out loud and scream how unfair it is for him cause everyone knows he was there for Jong In from the very first day up until now. No matter how hard it is for him to balance his acting schedules and group schedules , he always tried his best to make time for Jong In. Just one call and he's always ready to come wherever Jong In is. He felt so pathetic for believing that this time , Jong In might really fall for him , like what their fans believe in. He was foolish enough to think that maybe , just maybe all thoses stares and sweet galnces , all those touches and clinginess and all those " i love you hyung"really meant something. Life is unfair. Kyungsoo thought that maybe , cupid is not a little this time and he can have his happy ending with the only man he loves but turned out that his man already found his happy ending , and sadly ,  kyungsoo wasn't on it. 

----

Kyungsoo adjusted the headphone and looked at the lyrics hanging in front of him. Thank God cause their manager called him earlier and asked him to practice recording one of their songs from their latest album tracklist , that one song that s are hyping about but he didn't give much attention because of his busy schedule that time.  The title reads , gravity and it's a song written by Chanyeol. He remembered Chanyeol saying that he was the one who inspired him to write this song but now that he finally got to sing it fully , he gets a glimps of what Chanyeol is talking about.

It starts with a upbeat melody and no one one can guess how the song will end up. 

Yeah woo uh woo uh
Nananana dadadada
You'll love me forever
That’s what you said, that's what you said to me" 

A sudeen memory popped out when he sang the first lines of  the stanza.

"Hyung! You really are the best ! I'll love you forever hmm? It's a promise." Kyungsoo bitterly smiled when he remembered what a sixteen-year-old Jong In always tell him whenever he made kimchi spaghetti for him or they watch Pororo together. How he wish he can turn back times to say how much he loves him , maybe ,just maybe , this battle won't be a little unfair for him.

"Those words linger around me
So how could I let you, let you go, baby?"

Is it really possible to let go the person you love the most ? Is it really possible to just let go of his hands and give it to another person? How? HOW CAN HE DO IT cause he thinks that he really can't let him go. He can't let his happiness go but what can he do? He's just one of the thousands of people admiring him , Jong In only see him as a hyung and that thought makes him scream the next lines of the songs. He needs it. He needs to cry his heart out even before his heart burst. 

I know that's not the case, that it’s over
But I still keep, still keep
Holding onto you with the same force
You try to leave me with

No. He can't fight the gravity which keeps on pulling him and dragging him and he meant to say those eyes ,those loving eyes that he frequently catch staring at him. Those small pouty lips whenever he's asking for him to do aegyo. Those graceful and soft movement he make on stage but still stumble and fall off stage. Those back hugs that he likes to delusionally enterpret "hyung i won't let you go". NO ,he can't fight the gravitational force this special man is giving him and he knows too well that at the end of the day , he can't stop him with the same gravity that makes him fall for him , cause Jong In will never see him more than just a friend.

You said I was your future
Am I now just your past?

"What do you think will happen in the future hyung? Do you think we will be as big like tvxq or super junior sunbaenim?" 

Kyungsoo recalled seventeen-year-old Jong In asking one evening after their debut song rehearsal. Jong In was lying on the practice room's floor , body's wet from sweat.

Smiling from ear to ear , he  kneeled infront of him and gave him a towel to wipe his sweats away. 

"Ofcouse! I believe in you. You have a bright future Jong In-ah" 

Jong In gave him the brightest smile with his eyes forming a cresent moon , smiling together with his lips. And that was the exact time he decided that he would do everything to protect that smile , he would take care of this precious man. 

"Really hyung? But you don't look bright enough " 

Confused for a second , Kyungsoo tilted his head and strike a puzzled look. 

Jong in suddenly looked shy and whispered , " you're my future though" but that supposed to be whisper was audible enough for kyungsoo to hear it and made his heart beat faster than the usual. 

"Let's just eat hyung,c'mon " He was left dumbfounded when the younger just walk away as if he didn't almost give him a mini heart attack , Kyungsoo stood up  smiling like full idiot , thinking that maybe in the future , Jong In can really become his. 

You said you only love me, that your heart
Would forever stay by my side
So I gave you my everything
And now are you leaving me?
I'm still waiting for you, my heart will always
Draw you in like gravity

Kyungsoo felt like every word is a bullet aimed to shot his already bleeding heart. His mind is flodded by the memories they shared, the promises they made and the old jokes they used to laugh at every 3 am in the morning. Warm tears are racing from his eyes , his eyea were closed from the begining he sang the song only to find a standing Jong In outside the recording studio the moment he opened his eyes , worriedly looking at him and guilt visible in his beautiful eyes. 

Kyungsoo doesn't back out , he sings the next lines of the song while having an eye to eye contact with the man he loves the most. 

Your way of speaking, sentences, words
I remember every single one of them
The you of back then is still lingering around me
So how could l let you, let you go, baby?

He articulated the words clearly as crystal clear, emphazising the meaning of the lyrics , wishing Jong In can at least know what he feels , even just for a song. 

The bet I placed on you failed in the end
A race I was running on my own
Honey, look at me now
All that comes back is an echo without answer
Swirling around my head
You left me behind you, falling apart
And I'm scared I’ll be left to drift without you

If it’s for you
I have the strength to move anything, you know that
But I can't do anything to your heart
Gravity gravity gravity..."

He finished the song smoothly , wishing that he can also end his feelings for him as soft as the way he sang the song. A bitter laugh scaped again from his lips , he didn't  even appreciate this song Chanyeol composed until now. The song perfectly fits how he's feeling right now. It's as if Chanyeol time traveled to look at future and know how pathetic he will become at moment . Kyungsoo removed his head phone, he wiped his tears and open the door of the recording studio with a strong and brave heart. 

"Hyung.." he gave a small smile to Jong In who is now in front of him , eyes filled with guilt and sadness. He tried his best to brush it off , what ever he feels towards this man. He can have his moment later , he'll just postpone being pathetic for a while. Jong In seems tired and Kyungsoo knows well that he needs him. 

"Hi ! How's the meeting with the boss? Did they confirmed it already?" He masked the bitterness in his voice with the fake excitement he practiced repeatedly in his head. He heard that the CEO of the company scheduled a meeting with Jong In this morning and if it has just ended when Jong in arrived at the studio , it was estimated  4 hours long , and maybe that's why  jong in seems tired. 

"Why..why didn't you tell me?" Kyungsoo was taken a back by the way Jong In said those words. He never hear him use that kind of tone , as if he's ..angry , frustrated and hurt? But what for? Isn't he the one supposed to be hurt and angry?

"What?" Is the only word that came from his mouth. 

"Why didn't you tell me what you trully feels about me? Why?! Why hyung?!" Shocked and confusion enveloped his system when Jong In hold both of his sides strongly , as if he wants to crush his bones. 

"Maybe if you tried just once , even just once hyung. If you tried telling me what you felt ,maybe.. maybe I didn't let emptiness and hopelessness lead me to another person. Maybe , you're the one I am proud to have a dating scandal right now. Maybe.." Jong In is crying his heart out loud and kyungsoo silently cries. Though he still doesn't get what is this all about , his heart is aching as he see Jong In cries and looks so vulnerable. He doesn't have the audacity to talk and explained for himself. He just let both of them cry. 

How faith can be? But Kyungsoo likes to blame himself more. Jong in was right , maybe if he had the gut to tell him his feelings , maybe their story can go in an alternative route. 

"Jong In-ahhh." Trying his best to sooth both of their burning hearts , he said " Sorry but maybe this love isn't for us. Maybe we're just meant to love each  other  but not end with each other. I'll try to be happy for you cause this hyung loves you so much ,more than anything."  Jong In cries louder and harder when he heard the last sentence.  Kyungsoo on the other hand , felt proud from what he said,  he felt like his mind is the most matured part of his system but the sickening feeling of his heart ripping apart contradicts his first idea. Jong In hugged him , tighter and stronger this time and he just cried and cried until kyungsoo can feel his t soaking from tears. 

"Sorry hyung..." full of desperation and regret but Kyungsoo chose to hush him , gently rubing his back to calm his down. 

"Sshh it's okay. Hyung will always be here for you. I love you and what ever that makes you happy , will make me happy as well"  

If telling lies could kill people ,kyungsoo will happily lay in his coffin. He felt like he's already dead inside so what else can he do? He loves Jong In more than anyone else and comforting him is the best thing he can do right now. Jong In needs him more than anything at the moment.

 Maybe that is a thing when you have a mature love or rather a strong love , you will put aside yourself for the sake of the person you love. No matter how your whole system break apart , you will always try your hardest to fix the one you love first cause you know for sure that the same person who broke you is the same person who can fix it and maybe , in another lifetime or another years to come , Jong In and him can have a happily ever after like the ones in fanfictions Jong In likes to read in the past. But as of now , he will continue to love this person as much as he can , cause love knows no bounderies and that makes it dangerous. 

"Hyung.. can we watch pororo after this?" 

He can only chuckle when he heard  what Jong In said. This time , kyunsoo wiped off his tears. No , he still doen't know how he will start again.  He doesn't have an idea on how long he can hold on to his promised love but he knows for sure that it will take long until he can finally let go ,  for now , what important is that Kyungsoo sincerely thinks that this is their  best version of happy ending...at least for now. 

-End