We fear the thing we want the most. I'm so afraid of losing something I love, that I refuse to love anything. I'm afraid love is just a word. Loving can cost a lot but not lovingalways costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.

To: Lee Donghae

From: Kim Heechul

So, I decided to throw a party at my house this New Year’s eve because—I just want to. Do I even need to have a reason? You are lucky enough that I invited you and NO LEE DONGHAE, YOU CANNOT RUN AWAY THIS YEAR LIKE WHAT YOU DID LAST YEAR. I will make sure that Hyukjae will hunt you on every corner of the country if you skip my year end party AGAIN!!

With heavy heart, Lee Donghae walks side by side with his closest friend Lee Hyukjae on the way to the Great Kim Heechul annual year end party. “It is not that bad Hae, I mean, I’ve been to most of Hyung’s party and they are kinda wild—but not so wild.” Hyukjae’s explanation makes Donghae more confused than ever, “You are not making any sense, Hyuk.”

Kim Heechul is a perfect example of a wild person. He likes to hang out with random people in school—even outside the school. He has the weirdest fashion sense that always make the professors shake their heads. He is also gay—which is not really a big deal for both Donghae and Hyukjae—not a big deal if he will not make out with his boyfriend in front of their friends. He is also rich—like crazy rich. His party can be compared to a Zoo—with random animals walking in and out of the house.

“I can already hear the loud music coming from his house—and we are still 2 blocks away from his home.” Donghae remarks that on makes Hyukjae shake his head.

Donghae and Hyukjae have been best of friends since middle school. Donghae can’t remember how they started hanging out but Hyukjae once told him that he can still remember the color of Donghae’s shirt when they first met and how he asked his phone number right away. To make it simpler, they grew fond of each other and they literally grew up together.

“You know Hae, if you don’t really want to celebrate with Heechul Hyung, I can explain it to him and you can go back home already. I will try to think of an excuse for you.” And since they were young, Hyukjae has been Donghae’s black knight. He can seriously sacrifice himself for Donghae.

The latter guy shakes his head and smile at his friend, “No Hyuk—you always make an excuse for me and we both know how sharp Hyung is. He will know that you are trying to cover up for me—again. So no thanks, and let’s try to enjoy the party.” His smile is an assurance for Hyukjae that this night will be a great night—he thinks.

Heechul immediately hugs his dongseang the moment they entered his front door, “Ahhh my baby Lee Donghae finally decided to go out and enjoy the last day of the year~” Hyukjae knows well that Heechul already drunk too many that he is becoming more expressive and more savage— “So all you need is my great dongseang here Hyukjae and you will eventually come out of your cave, Donghae~” he is squeezing both of them so tight.

“Heechul, I think you need to let them go now,” Donghae sigh when he heard his other Hyung, Leeteuk talked. There are only few people that Kim Heechul listens well and one of them is Leeteuk.

Heechul let go of them, “Party pooper~” he mumbled under his breath and walk away. Both Hyukjae and Donghae smile at their Hyung, “Good evening, Hyung~” they said. Leeteuk gave them a quick hug before saying, “Go and enjoy the party. Kyuhyun and the others are just around the corner. Go find them~” and he walks away—probably to find Heechul again and to stop him on his crazy antics.

“I swear, Heechul Hyung probably drunk a whole bottle of tequila already, Hyuk.” Donghae cannot keep his mouth shut as they walk again exploring the huge house. Hyukjae smiles back at him, “Probably more than 1 bottle, Hae. You’ve been to one of his parties before, right?” he asked but still look around to find their friends. “Humm—yes—once and I thought that was the last time already, but I guess I am wrong because here I am again.” The first party that Donghae attended when he started college was Heechul’s party and it was a nightmare for him.

Everybody was wasted—like seriously wasted. Hyukjae was already sleeping under the study table and he cannot do anything about the situation. He witnessed those party animals—drink till you drop. To make it worst, he doesn’t like it whenever Hyukjae is drunk. He has those weird habits that he unconsciously does whenever there’s an alcohol in his system.

Hyukjae was about to say something when suddenly, someone shouts, “YAH! LEE HYUKJAE!!” and when they scan the area, they saw the drunkard Cho Kyuhyun together with Choi Siwon, Kim Ryeowook, and Lee Sungmin. “My goodness, the Math genius, the rich kid, the music freak, and the bunny are together.” Hyukjae mumbled under his breath that makes Donghae giggled.

Hyukjae likes their friends, but all of them are as random as Kim Heechul and he has every nickname for all of them. “Look who’s here—Lee Donghae finally joins the party!” Ryewook exclaimed with his high pitch voice. “I am invited so I should show up, right Hyuk?” Donghae turned to his right side to ask help from his friend. “Of course, he is. Wook, I think you are drunk already~”

Hyukjae catches Sungmin and Siwon mouthing him a certain word and all he can do to glare at them. “Anyway, Heechul Hyung said that there will be a drinking contest later. The winner will have a trip for two to Jeju-do on the first weekend of January.” Siwon said with gentle smile on his face. He is rich so he is probably out of the contest. “You will not join right? You can go book a ticket right now going to Bali or other country. You don’t need that Jeju-do reward, right?” Sungmin asked with hopeful tone. The bunny likes to have a short vacation and he is probably one of the strongest contender.

“Min, even if Siwon joins or not, I don’t think you can beat Kyu on this drinking contest.” Ryeowook because of all people, they know how much alcohol Kyuhyun can put inside his stomach. They all laugh at their craziness.

Hyukjae grab a glass of alcohol—he thought that he might need it, “You are aware of your drinking capacity, right Lee Hyukjae?” when Donghae calls him in his full name, Hyukjae knows that he means business. “Of course Hae, I know. Don’t worry—” then he grabs an orange juice on one of the waiters that’s walking around the house, “Drink this~”

“I don’t know if someone tells this to you guys, but you sounded like a married couple.” The new comer, Yesung said with a glass of red wine on his right hand. Donghae immediately tense up, “Don’t joke around like that Hyung, we just grew up together so we know each other well. Right—Hyuk?”

Donghae has that habit. When someone is cornering him, or asking him questions that he cannot answer, he will throw it to Hyukjae. “Yes, of course Hae. Yesung Hyung, Hae and I probably knew each other for half of our lives. I think even if he won’t say a word, I know what he wants.” And for some odd reason, Hyukjae will answer anything—everything for Donghae.

“So Shindong said to Mr. Kim, ‘Can I order my lunch now?’ bwahahahha and the whole class started laughing hard~” the whole house is now filled with laughter from Kangin’s stories. They are trying to roast each other, “Donghae was worst, Ms. Choi asked him to give some elements from the periodic table and he asked, ‘Are we talking about water earth, wind, or fire element?’ bwahahahahha it was so damn funny!!!” Donghae can only pout as Sungmin spilled the beans already to everyone.

Yesung is wiping his tears from laughing while patting Donghae’s back, “My goodness Donghae, you are hilarious!”

Hyukjae gulped down another glass of wine before holding Hae’s hand, “Come one—let’s breath some fresh air outside.” Hyukjae knows how much Donghae hates it when people are talking about him. Also—he is becoming more light headed now and he really need to breath some fresh air.

It was not hard to escape from their friends because of the crowd. There is a stone bench in the garden and they choose to hang out there for a while. They cold air and the laughter from the house are the only thing that they can hear and feel. Donghae is not speaking and Hyukjae is trying to make himself feel better.

“Hyuk—” “Humm?” Donghae looks at the sky, “What’s your plan after graduation?” Donghae asked. They are not kids anymore. Next year, they will graduate already from college and Donghae nor Hyukjae aren’t dumb. They both have different career path to take. “Maybe—find a job.” He answered without really thinking much about it. “What about you, Hae? Do you have plans already?”

The saddest part of growing up is that you know that somewhere in the future, you need to make a life changing decision. “I told you about my plans already, right?” Hyukjae chuckles, “Ahhh—I thought you were not serious about it.” Donghae is a dreamer while Hyukjae lives in the moment and that is the biggest difference they have. “I will find a job, get married at 33. Have a daughter name Haru. Compose many songs in the future.” Hyukjae doesn’t know if he needs to smile or not. Donghae’s dream and plans are larger than life—but not impossible. He knows what Donghae can do and he knows that Donghae can do it.

“You—” Hyukjae chose to be a supportive friend, “—will be a great person in the future Hae. Much greater than me. You know that I cannot make great decisions and I know that you can. You are a great composer, and you will also be a great father in the future.” Donghae decided to look at his friend and find him with a soft smile on his face. “But I told you that I want my future kids to look like you—or maybe to have your personality. I don’t know but that is what I want.” The stubborn kid inside Donghae is waking up again. The only thing that Hyukjae can do is to chuckle, “That is very unfair for your future wife. Your kids should resemble to you and to your future wife—not to me—not unless I am the father.” And they both laugh at it.

When the laughter died down, Donghae asks another question, “When do you want to settle down, Hyuk?” and to his surprise, Hyukjae answers him right away, “I usually live in the moment, Hae but I am sure of one thing. I will settle down at any age as long as the person that I like is the person that will walk down the aisle with me.” And that answer makes Donghae flinch—for some reason. “Do you—do you like someone right now?”

The conversation is slowly turning serious and Hyukjae has been dying to have this kind of conversation before but now that he is in this conversation, he feels like his stomach will tu