I can’t believe this is happening again, Kyungsoo thinks to himself, as he stares at the headline on the iPad that Chanyeol had stuck under his nose: “Dispatch Exclusive: EXO’s Kai and BLACKPINK’s Jennie confirmed to be dating.” Even though he already knew that the news was going to come out (he was, of course the first person to hear it directly from his friend) it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“Kyungsoo, you know he still loves you in his way, right?” the giant tries to comfort him, and Kyungsoo nods solemnly as he hastily wipes at his eyes with the back of his hands.

“I know, hyung,” he replies quietly, “and I’m happy for him, I really am…I just need a moment to—”

“Mourn for your heartbreak? It’s ok to feel that way, Kyung,” Chanyeol assures him, giving a comforting squeeze of his knee. “I know you like to deal with these things yourself, but if you are ever ready to talk about it, my door is open, ok?” And with that, Chanyeol takes his leave.

Kyungsoo should go brush his teeth. Kyungsoo should go take a shower. But all Kyungsoo feels like doing is continuing to lay on the couch, staring at the ceiling, and so that’s what he does. He vaguely registers the sound of the front door opening and shoes being toed off in the entryway. And then the face of a human teddy bear is hovering above his, upside down. “Hyung, what are you doing out here? Shouldn’t you be asleep like the other members?” Jongin asks.

Adamantly avoiding eye contact, Kyungsoo just stares at the nose in front of him and weakly explains, “Oh, I uh, was just waiting to make sure you came home safely.” It is a reasonable enough explanation and not outside of the realm of his normal behavior. It’s just that with his filming schedule, he is usually the last member to get home, so he doesn’t have much opportunity to wait up for his friend.

“Aw, hyung, that’s so nice of you!” Jongin beams at him before plopping down next to him on the couch. “What a day…” Jongin says happily, more to himself than to Kyungsoo, but the older boy hears it. Kyungsoo doesn’t need to ask to know exactly why the younger is so happy right now, and the thought drives a knife straight through his heart. He can’t be selfish with Jongin, though. Jongin’s happiness is also his happiness, always has been and always will be.

“Congratulations, Jongin, on your, um…” Kyungsoo trails off, but he has said enough for Jongin to understand, and luckily for Kyungsoo, his friend doesn’t catch the hesitation in his voice.

“Thank you, hyung, that means so much to me!” Jongin is positively overflowing with such warmth and love as he says it, and Kyungsoo feels guilty that his heart can feel anything besides happiness for his friend—his best friend. “I know we’ve talked about me and Jennie before, but it’s such a relief to have it out in the open now, you know?” Kyungsoo numbly nods along. “Of course, we would have liked to reveal it a little later, on our own terms, but Dispatch, you know…” Another nod. “We were probably a little reckless, posting those Eiffel Tower pictures on the same day on Insta and getting caught on that walk in the park but I just…wanted for us to be able to go out together, like a real couple.” This time, Kyungsoo adds a noise of acknowledgement to go with the nod. “Hyung…you are being awfully quiet…” Jongin directly points out, and Kyungsoo turns his head to the side to make eye contact with the boy.

“Sorry, I’m just…listening,” Kyungsoo tries to hide his awkwardness with a chuckle. “You don’t really get the opportunity to talk freely about your relationship, so I want you to be able to do that as much as you want to or need to. And…this goes without saying, but if she ever does anything to hurt you, I will end her.” He has seen his friend go through heartbreak once before, and he won’t stand for it if it happens again. His breath hitches as Jongin’s head hits his shoulder and the bear snuggles close. Kyungsoo can handle this. He can.

“Thanks, hyung, I really do appreciate that,” Jongin says again. “I don’t want to be that guy that only talks about his girlfriend all the time, though. You guys are all still so important to me; you are still so important to me, hyung. I want you to remember that.” The words are a small comfort to the storm that is swirling around in Kyungsoo’s heart, and in lieu of a response, he lets his head rest on top of Jongin’s. Even without words, Jongin knows that his hyung understands him.

The two best friends just sit there, basking in each other’s presence for who knows how long before Jongin lets out a long yawn and announces that they should go to bed. “Let’s go to sleep, hyung; it’s been a long day,” he says sleepily.

“Oh, you go ahead, Jongin-ah,” Kyungsoo tells him. “I am going to put away the dry dishes and tidy up the kitchen a bit before I go.”

Jongin frowns and protests, “But it’s so late already, hyung. Can’t that wait until the morning?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head and explains, “These have been sitting out since last night, and you know how I hate letting the dishes collect dust after we wash them.” The younger boy isn’t happy about it, but he lets it go this once, bidding his hyung goodnight before retreating to their shared room.

Left alone to his thoughts, Kyungsoo leans his back against the sink and let’s out a shaky breath. He needs to get it together. This is his best friend that he is talking about; the one he has watched grow up over nearly a decade. He knows better than anyone else the pain and sacrifice that Jongin has endured during that time, and how his pure, innocent friend deserves this love and happiness more than anyone else in the world. And Kyungsoo will be damned if he is the one to ruin that for Jongin.

So as quietly as he can, he forces his heavy limbs to go through the motions of putting up the dishes like he said that he would, and then he quietly drags himself to the bathroom to wash up, taking as long as possible to ensure that Jongin has fallen asleep before he enters the room. Tomorrow. Starting tomorrow, he can be strong and face his best friend and start to heal his broken heart and turn it into true happiness for his friend. But tonight…tonight he needs just a few more hours to feel sorry for himself, to mentally and emotionally prepare himself for seeing his friend’s true source of happiness be someone else.

As he lays in bed, he turns his back to the wall and clutches a pillow tightly as he gazes across the room one last time at the love he has to let go, again. Tears fall from his eyes as silently as the words that he never had the confidence to say out loud: Goodbye, Kim Jongin. I love you.