Sometimes, things never end the way you want them to. No matter how much you want it or how hard you work for it, some things aren't just meant to be. I suppose that I wasn't meant to be with the the girl that I was supposedly irreversibly in love with. Though, it shouldn't matter though anymore. None of that matters anymore. 

Staring at the stucco ceiling, I can't help but scratch at parts of my mind that told a different story. My heart was broken, torn apart by the love of my life. But somehow, it's tolerable. Maybe it's the many months of being exposed to their love fest that I'm used to it. Maybe it's mundane routine I have everyday after coming from work that numbs my entire being. Maybe, it's the warm body draped next to mine. 

The stranger, whoever she is, groans over and burrows herself further into my bed sheets. 

I can't bother myself enough to turn over and look at her. 

Because I know that deep inside my mind as I walked through the club last night, I had the intent to find someone who looked eerily similar to my best friend. One of these days, I'm going to stop with that bad habit of bringing random strangers home. 

A hand curls its way around my bicep, the smell of citrus and cosmetics invading my sense.

For now, I'll indulge. 

I. Denial 

The cold, chilling air bites my cheeks as soon as I step through the doors. My condo building is condescending with its height, sheltering me from with what should be sunlight peeking from behind. This time,  the sun is barely out, everywhere casted by  faint blue hue as people begrudgingly litter about. It's too early for any of us to function properly. Thank God as soon as my driver picks me up, the secretary who hailed the cab hands me a pressed cup of coffee. I drink it instead of sipping it because I can't help but crave the scalding in my tongue. 

Anything is better than feeling the brewing misery in my chest.

Later that day, my cousin greets me in my office. 

Her face is solemn, a type of mask everyone adapts around me. 

No one is to blame. 

It's obvious that I took the wedding hard. 

The instant silence in the office cubicle or the shuffling of feet done to provide me my way to my office are testament to that.

"You need to talk bout it."

"No, there's nothing to talk about."

"Everyone's worried about you."

"It seems to me like they're wasting their time."

"Now, that's a bit unfair."

"Says the girl who married her childhood best friend."

Victoria sends me this look like I've taken some toddler's candy. Never mind that in reality, no parent would give their toddler anything that would contribute to choking. She crosses her arms but walks closer to round my table, leaning down to give me a hug. 

"I know that it hurts."

My throat suddenly goes throat as she grips me tighter, suffocating even, the way that my mother used to do to me before she passed away. I can't stop the tears even if I try and I tried, leaning away from the hug as best as I can. 

The older woman doesn't budge as she holds me closer to her chest. 

"It's over."

A crack of immaturity slips out. 

"But what if she changes her mind and-"

"She's not going to love you no matter what you do."

II. Anger 

The punching bag sways about. 

I don't miss. 

I make it a point not to miss. 

And when I do, I push myself even harder. It's what gets me heaving. It's what gets the adrenaline pumping, it's what forces my mind to forget everything about her. I let out this mirthless laugh, one that bothers the few patrons beside me as I tell myself that I can't. I've been trying but I can't. I can't forget her because she's always going the extra mile to hurt me, to rub her marriage in front of my face, to thoroughly go through with breaking my heart. 

Inviting me, sending me snaps, calling me on the phone and then making sure that the world knows about it. 

She's breaking every piece until there's nothing left.

And I have nothing else on my mind but to beat the hanging bag like it's her until the chain breaks and the owner asks for reimbursement. 

It never does. 

It taunts me. 

Gritting my teeth, I go again.

Throwing both straight left and right hooks. 

I'm aware that I look like a rabid animal, eyes blood-shot and curled eyebrows. I don't need anyone to tell me that except this one baby faced young man who looks almost like him walks up to me. I see red.

This time, I miss my mark on purpose.

I'm restrained by the arms as soon as blood shoots out of his nose and he falls back with a thud. 

I can't regret my action one bit.

III. Bargaining 

I wasn't exactly welcomed back into the gym after that scuffle. Surely, it was an unfair decision but I'm tired of pretending to be surprised when life screws me over. I got over it, turned to running as my means to have exercise. I stopped with the smoking, drinking and late night club habits. I no longer need to change the sheets every week nor do I have to continue cleaning my condo due to all the mess I would make every nightly trysts. 

I'm set on being the person that she needs. I would do anything to try and reverse her love for him. 

I'll make sure that she sees that I'm the one she should fall in love with. 

That is if she ever gets to step away from his embrace. 

They're giddy, giggling like high school kids as we enter the loft. 

The rest of our friends and family are seated in the living room. 

It's making me edgy, legs bouncing as everyone we know expects. 

Apparently, there's some announcement they have to make. 

And if it's another plan to travel around the globe, my plan to make her fall for me would be ruined. Morals be damn, I'd do anything to keep her. I'd do anything for her to love for me. 

I'd do anything.

And anything is helping out in the kitchen. 

Luna and Onew are preparing drinks. 

Victoria is cutting some vegetables.

Krystal's older sister, Jessica is trying to stop our mutual friend Yuri from emptying out the fridge.

I've been known to never be good at anything in the kitchen. 

That's another thing I have to fix.

After everything is prepped for cooking and set aside, a tray is placed in my hands. I groan long enough for my cousin to grab the tray and send me away. I pinch a glass of lemonade away because it's one of my favorites.  I'm about halfway to the closest couch I can reach when my best friend happily announces that they're going to try for a baby.

I...blink. 

I look down at my hand, red and smeared with blood. 

On my skin are glass shards.

I've gripped the cup too hard. 

I'm bleeding but I can't feel anything. 

But I can't help at the concerned and panicked voice of my best friend that I jokingly laugh and tell them that it's okay. That it's nothing. 

Like them telling me that they were going to have something that would glue their relationship even further wasn't exactly numbing my heart right now. They offer me a new glass but there's this awkward tension in the air that only the married couple can't feel.

Numbness enters my everything, my veins, my mind, my chest. 

I can't control myself as I place my emptied cup into a random drawer and head for the door. I don't even think twice about it. I find myself lunging into my car as she comes running out of the door, yelling my name. I gut it out of there, not really knowing where I'm going but not really caring.

Anywhere is better than being around her. Anything is better than looking at her in the face and having to be happy for her. 

I can't believe I've done everything I can to change myself and I still end up receiving the most painful news of my life. 

IV. Depression 

The bed dips beside me, but it doesn't make me turn over. The earthy scent of Old Spice enters my nostrils, telling me that my father hasn't gone to work yet. If he was at work, he would be smelling like cigarettes and thinly veiled sweat like he usually does when I would sit in his office room playing with Legos when I was a child.  Then again, I honestly don't know what time is it. I don't know what day it is either. 

Caring is starting to feel like a chore at this point. 

He runs his fingers through my hair, making my eyes flutter. 

"She's dropped by my office five times now."

I groan like I've been physically socked in the stomach.

It's been a month since I moved out of my condo, packing everything I value and hightailing it out of there. I hadn't even considered anything else during that run; I wanted to go somewhere she'd never find me. It worked. It's worked enough that almost most of my friends don't know where I went. Knowing them, they'd be scurrying to every apartment and high end condo to look for me. And knowing them, they'd never think to look at my father's house because there would be no way that I'd ever go to my father for anything. 

That's where they're wrong but I won't blame them for thinking that. Since my mother passed, our relationship has been strained but driving here one month ago, the only thing I did was fall into his arms while he held me in our driveway. He never even asked what was wrong. 

Sometimes I forgot that he too lost the love of his life. 

It brings me a sense of comfort even though that shouldn't be the case. 

Misery loves company. 

"One of these days she's going to get herself kicked out of the building if she continues to cause a ruckus. That woman is stubborn as a mule." He chuckles a little after that, making me raise my head to look at him. 

He has this soft smile on his face, tears dancing on the edges of his eyes. He sees the confusion on my face and goes on to explain, leaning closer to me. 

"She's just like your mother."

I can't help what comes next.

I break down, dissolving into a sobbing mess as my father cradles me closer to his chest.

"I miss her so much."

I don't know who I'm talking about, if it's my mother or my best friend but he only nods and wraps me tighter. 

I cry so much that I stain his blazer and he calls up his secretary to cancel all his plans for the day. 

V. Acceptance 

I fidget along the balcony, hands shoved into my pocket as I look at the ring in my hands. It's been one of those days, the kind of day that you just sit and idle about watching the soft patter of rain against your window or the loud shrilling noise of birds chirping that draw your attention.

"The reception for the new line is overwhelmingly positive."

My father looks at me like he's proud. The orange glow coming from the horizon sets his face in a light, a light that makes me smile back at him.

"Well, I've learned from the best. "

"That you did."

He falls onto the granite beside me, a cup of coffee in his hand. He sets it aside before turning to me, eyes trained on the ring that I have out in the open. He doesn't comment on the fact that I could drop it over the company building and lose whatever worth I bought the ring for. He just adapts this look of sadness and understanding. 

"You still have that." 

It's a rhetorical question but I could only nod my head at him. I don't really feel like talking about it and either he's done dealing with my or he really has something important to tell me.

It's a terse silence before he does turn to me with intent. 

In his hand, is a box. 

I regard him with a stink eye as if he's offended me yet he merely s it in my direction. 

Grabbing it and flinging the navy blue silk box open, my father inhales sharply. 

But I can't see his face. 

Because I'm looking down at something that I've seen before on my mother's fingers. It was my mother's wedding ring before she...

I close my eyes, willing to keep my tears in.  

My father doesn't give me time to even break out into a sob, he just tells it like it is. 

"I remember buying this at 15 with your uncle's trust fund. He already gotten it by that time; he told me I was such an idiot for claiming that I was going to marry this girl the moment I saw her," he curls his arm over my shoulder, pulling me to his side, "Funny how that turned out for me."

I look at him straight in the eye, for the first time since my mother died. 

I've never realized how tired and sad they look, the eyes that I inherited. "Why are you giving this to me?"

"Because I want you to have it, give it to the person that you love." I'm already opening my mouth to retort but he beats me to it. "To the person who truly loves you back equally." 

I hate how sad my voice sounds. 

"Are you sure?"

"It's better that I don't end up selling it, otherwise your mother will haunt me for the rest of my life." 

I can't help but laugh, tears falling freely from my eyes. 

"She was just like you, Amber. Stuck in the past and chasing after someone who wouldn't give her the time of the day. She loved him so much that she turned into a different person. I'm saying that it's not going to kill you if you decide to move on, you'll never know how things will turn out."

I look at him, with so much love that he has for me in his eyes and I can't help but hug him.

I exhale a deep but meaningful thanks. 

---

Here I am again, in the same position I was in many months ago. , sweaty, in dire need of a shower probably. But instead of a meaningless night stand ..
The warm body next to mine is moving, so fidgety that I turn over to the side to wrap my arm around the person's waist. 

"Stop moving the bed so much. It's too early for this."

"Unlike you, I've got so much to do so I need to get up." 

"But-"

"No buts baby, besides you told me you had to do something today."

That made my eyes flutter open. 

She's right. 

My left palm twitches but it grounds me. 

I don't let her see how my smile fell a little or how I can't help the seed of sadness in my heart from growing. Kissing my girlfriend a goodbye, I head out. It's a warm and sunny day, the type of orange cast lighting that engulfs the entire city. The sun shines brightly against the sign above the jewerly shop, orange hue seeping in through the uncovered windows.

My intention is to grab my phone but pulling it out, a box falls and opens across the floor. Unluckily, the ring unsafely lodged in is now rolling down the polished wooden floors when a hand grabs it. 

I sigh in relief, looking up to greet my savior. 

Only for me to shudder. 

My best friend of many years, the girl that I had loved for more than a decade is holding onto the ring I was going to propose to her with.

Her eyes are cold, as if she's mad. 

Then they soften seeing the look of shock on my face, walking closer to me. 

It had been months since I've last seen the woman. She's just as beautiful as the day on her wedding day. 

Sighing and resigning to my fate, I let her do what she wants. She hugs me, arms crawling across my back up to curl over my neck. 

"I miss you."

She doesn't question me. She doesn't say anything else. She just loses herself in the moment, leaning closer into my personal space. 

Then she pauses, confusion all over her face. 

"What are you doing here?"

I take a deep breath, not knowing what I'm really doing. I've imagined this so many times in my mind, hoping that it'll actually happen. I don't answer her. Instead, I merely grab the blue silk box off the floor and grab the ring in her outstretched hand. I place it there, turning the box to face her. 

She looks at me, gobsmacked. 

I would like to know what's going through her mind.

Fate grants me the request as she steps back, exclaiming out of shock. "You're proposing to Sulli?"

I feel myself deflate. I don't know what I was expecting. Of course she wouldn't think that this is for her,she wouldn't know that this is a shadow of who I was that wanted to propose so bad. She doesn't let me reply as she goes on a tanget about how she always knew that I loved Sulli, that I was always so glued to the person I once saw as a little sister before she confessed. I can't help but interrupt her mid-sentence. 

"No, you're wrong. "

"But she was always the one you loved!" 

I'm taken back by how loud her voice rises but I can't help but retort. 

"How could you even know? You were so focused on him that you didn't even see me!"

I'm aware that we're causing a scene and it seems like the employee of the store does know because he coughs. We look over at him ready to shut him up but he looks over at Krystal with a critical eye and she instantly changes demeanor. She offers an apology and goes over to look at whatever she requested from the display case. 

I can't help but chuckle mirthlessly, heading over to the woman behind the counter who had just witnessed the entire ordeal. 

"What are you looking for?"

"Just hoping to sell this."

​​​​​​I present the woman with the ring I held on for so long. It takes a while for her to get everything completed before she's sending me on my own.

I barely make it before Krystal stops me again. 

I speak up before she can say anything.

"It was never her I loved.

It was you .

It was always you. " 

I leave the door without waiting for her response.

To continue or nah? 

will post a note tomorrow