[5/11/18]

The sound of rain drops echoed through the halls as a certain man sat on the couch in his living room. He was seated near the side window, looking outside and watching the trees being blown against the light wind. Glimpses of thunder illuminated the dark as if to try and steer attention away from Seungwoo. But the said man only watched carefully. The hazy streaks of raining pouring down the window glass reminded Seungwoo of his younger days, when he was a careless young boy who would always try to race the droplets in an impossible competition. The fond memory almost lit a small smile on his face, but alast to no avail. Everyday seemed like another struggle for Seungwoo to face, only a small voice in his head telling him to hold it in and keep going. But for others, it was so easy. They were able to live happily and enjoy the offerings they received. So why couldn’t he do it?

Was it the endless empty void he had constantly felt? It was as if his emotions were being blocked and unable to reach. Only a finger’s length away from grasping, but for years unable to touch it. To be able to feel that warmth again, it was his only wish. Maybe he was just over pressuring it. His patience was well-groomed and he wouldn’t give a nasty attitude unless given a strong reason to do so.

“Appa!”

Seungwoo turned his head at the excitable shout of a small child running into the room. The edges of his lips quivered, turning upward just for the child that now stood in front of him. The boy couldn’t have been more than four or five. His eyes were big and had a spark of innocent curiosity in it that made Seungwoo’s heart ache at the familiarity.

”Look what I found!” He giggled, holding a thin velvet book in his hands. He raised the book for Seungwoo to look at.

”Chiwon,” He said softly, hoisting the boy up onto his lap and sat him down comfortably. “Where did you find this?”

The boy looked up at Seungwoo with a sheepish smile on his face, his dimples appearing. “I was playing with my toys in your work room, I’m sorry appa.”

Seungwoo heaved out a deep sigh, before looking at Chiwon. “Next time ask me, okay Wonnie? Or else the tickle monster will come out!” He said playfully, tickling Chiwon as the younger squealed with delight.

After things had calmed down, only the cackling of the fireplace was left. The rain had stopped as the few drops of rain left on the window dripped down slowly.

Seungwoo rubbed the back of Chiwon’s head gently as he examined the book in his other hand. It was nothing but a simple scrapbook. It was coated with a deep red velvety color, with gold lining the edges of the cover. Seungwoo’s hands shook as he held it, blinking off until the sound of his son brought him back from his thoughts.

”Can we see what’s inside it appa?” The boy tilted his head, his fists tugging on Seungwoo’s sleeve.

Seungwoo recluantly opened the book, flipping the cover over.

And there it was.

It was as if a dam had broken, and painfully familiar memories flooded back into Seungwoo. All the times they had spent together. When they had first met, to when they moved in together, and to the day that a pair of matching rings had completed their life.

Chiwon peeked his head up and caught a glimpse of the photos in the book. He pointed at one of them. “Whose that in the picture appa? He’s pretty.”

Seungwoo held back a choked sob as he recalled the memory. It was picture they had taken at their first date. Back when they were in college, They had started the photo collection wanting to treasure the memories that they made together. He looked so beautiful to Seungwoo. In the picture the man sat on top of a blanket smiling so beautifully while a gathering of vibrant flowers sat on his head. The look in his eyes were affectionate as if to say ‘kiss me already, you fool.’

”That’s your mother,” Seungwoo murmured, “Seungsik.”

The name rolled off his tongue so perfectly, as if it was made for him to take and treasure forever. It wouldn’t be until he could meet that man again, in a better world than the one Seungwoo lived in, that he would finally feel that connection resparking. His fists tightened and clenched together, his emotions overtaking him. 

A beautiful flower. A perfect description of what Seungsik was. An entity that had lured Seungwoo deep inside, thirsty for more. But yet, he was so delicate in balance. Controlling the contrasting fusions of grace and lust, Seungsik was a hand-wrapped gift sent down from the heavens to look over Seungwoo. God, he really missed him. Seungwoo felt himself crumbling at every turn of the page. A simple gesture had made an entire impact on his life as he recalled kindling and heartwarming memories. From waking up and seeing the messy hair of his lover to the heavily alcohol-impacted karaoke nights they would spend, wasting their youth and being as reckless as ever. But at least they were together.

So many things had changed since then. What had gone wrong?  did he do to deserve any of this Seungwoo thought. What had any of them done? So many questions, but yet no answers. Everything had gone wrong beginning back to that fateful day.

[5/11/15]

3:34 PM

“Seungwoo.”

Seungwoo turned his head at the direction of the voice calling him. He saw Seungsik carrying a bag and picking up an umbrella from the holder on the ground. “I’m going out for a bit, okay?”

He shut off his phone and sat up straight in his chair. His fingers tapped on the kitchen counter inconstantly. Seungwoo crooned his head to see his lover more clearly. “Do you need any help? Should I come along? I can grab my jacket right now.” He offered.

Seungsik mused, smiling softly at Seungwoo. “I think I’ll be fine.“

Seungwoo leaned back into his seat slightly, tilting his head and unable to suppress a fond smile for the ladder. “You sure?”

Seungsik nodded, throwing another affectionate smile at Seungwoo. His dimples slowly shaped up, making the man look more like an innocent child.

Seungwoo was looking back onto his phone, scrolling through his messages. Only a soft goodbye was heard before the sound of the door opening. The pitter-pattering of the rain was unmistakable as the door opened, letting off an ominous feeling. A sudden chill ran over Seungwoo, a nervous feeling settling over him as he saw Seungsik about to shut the door.

”I’ll be back soon.”

And with that, the door closed shut. Seungwoo couldn’t help the anxiousness arising in him as he stared at the door as if there was something wrong. It gave an off sort of feeling he couldn’t explain. Seungsik’s words replayed back into his mind. It made Seungwoo’s uneasiness grow into uncomfortableness that became harder to bear. ‘I’ll be back soon’, was what Seungsik had said.

But soon had never arrived.

[5/11/15]

6:53 PM

“He’s what?!” Seungwoo shrieks into the phone.

”Yes, he gotten into a car accident and is in critical condition. I’m very sorry sir but we need you to—“

But Seungwoo already left. His mind was completely numb and filled with pure despair as he drove to the hospital. The vrooming of his engine was high as he raced as fast as he could go, as bright spots of red only envaded his mind.

The doors of the Emergency Room bursted opened as Seungwoo ran inside, and froze when he saw his lover on the hospital bed. The white flaps of coats as doctors and nurses rushed around trying to steady Seungsik’s heartbeat, not to mention the wires that connected him to a machine.

Seungwoo felt his heart shatter. 

Coats of sweat embedded Seungsik’s peaceful face he breathed into the oxygen mask ever so slightly. It wasn’t until he stopped breathing that Seungwoo felt every piece of containment in him fall apart. 

“Seungsik..” He cried, collapsing onto the floor and only on his knees now, hands in his face.

He ignored the sounds of the nurses trying to calm him as he screamed that name over and over again. No, he couldn’t believe it. He wasn’t ready to lose Seungsik. The love of his life had died right in front of his eyes. This had to be a dream. All a bad dream that he would wake up to eventually. Whatever to end this nightmare, Seungwoo begged.

But the relief never came. The happy ending was all a false lie. No truth to it except for the lone beating of a heart that yearned for another to complete it.

But Seungwoo knew it would never be complete. There was no one else that could replace him. Seungsik was perfect.

And now he was gone.

[5/11/18]

Seungwoo didn’t realize that a tear had accidentally slipped down until he noticed a drop of clear wetness next to a picture of him and Seungsik at a park, holding hands and smiling brightly in the picture. His fingers trembled while they played with the edges of the page, as if almost scared to turn to the next page.

Chiwon looked up at Seungwoo, his small body hugging Seungwoo’s side like a teddy bear. He clinged onto him, his frame subconsciously trying to comfort Seungwoo.

”Dont cry appa,” Chiwon said softly, patting him with his palms, “The noonas at school said that you shouldn’t do that. It’s not good to do, I think.”

Seungwoo tried to speak but his breath hitched. It was as if his voice had shuted off, leaving only a downing silence. His hand fiddled unrealizingly with the photo of Seungsik until it accidentally came off.

Chiwon noticed this and one hand held his father’s sleeve while the other picked up the photo of Seungsik. The boy turned to the back of the picture, where small symbols were written.

”Appa, appa! Look!” Chiwon said hopefully, putting the picture into Seungwoo’s palm.

Seungwoo tried blinking away some of his tears, bringing up the picture with shaky hands. He turned to the back, seeing a small letter scribbled onto the other side of the photo. Seungwoo let out a choked sob as he read over it.

Dear Seungwoo,

Do you remember how we first met? It was a life changing experience for me. I always feel so happy with you and I hope you get to read this. You gave me everything I could ever wish for and part of me still feels guilty about that, even to this day. I just wish my love for you was enough for me to pay for all that you’ve done to help me. Even if you can be a bit of a stubborn child sometimes, I’ll still love you no matter what. To anything that happens to you or me, I know we’ll get through it together. I’m always here for you, despite anything.  Just promise to never forget me okay? I’ll count on you to keep that, I trust you Seungwoo.

                                                                                                                                                —Your Seungsik

Dammit. Seungwoo felt as if every breath had left him. It was a struggle for him to keep himself together and by now, all the sustained pressure he’d carried for years had broken down. If only that day hadn’t happened, then everything would be alright. Seungwoo would be laughing with Seungsik at old memories as they flipped through the photo book. They would take turn reading stories to Chiwon. The playful battles over the tv remote, and the cuddling of movie nights when Chiwon would finally be sound asleep. 

All that had disappeared now.