A/N: Anything in bold is in Japanese.

---

Chaeyeon has always worn her heart on her sleeves.

She’s an open book – one look into her eyes and anyone would be able to read her emotions. She knows this, and she has never truly tried to hide herself. She cries when she’s hurt, laughs when she’s happy and dances when she’s stressed.

She cares for people, sometimes too much, and her friends have told her as much countless of times.

“You’re too selfless. Sometimes you should think about yourself for once.”

“I love your kindness but one day, it will be your downfall.”

They’re right, and Chaeyeon knows this but at the same time, she thinks that if seeing everyone else being happy makes her happy, then surely, there’s nothing more beautiful than that.

It comes as no surprise then, that when Chaeyeon falls, she falls hard.

Once, her dad had told her that love can be both selfless and selfish. At the time, she hadn’t understood the contradiction but now, she thinks he might be right.

Because Chaeyeon has always been selfless but love – no, not love, it can’t be love – makes her want to be a bit selfish.

And that terrifies her.

--- 0 ---

The guilt is always there.

Chaeyeon doesn’t regret meeting Sakura, and she never would, but the fact remains that if she makes a single wrong move, she could put the entire group into trouble.

It’s not that they’re both girls – nowadays, it’s common to see homoual couples and the discovery of the soulmate system had rendered old traditions meaningless. It’s the fact that they’re both idols that makes all the difference.

Idols aren’t meant to fall in love; not so early on in their career and especially not for another member in their group. Relationships can be messy and there’s simply too much at stake for anyone to ever take the risk.

Chaeyeon knows that Sakura has worked harder than anyone else to get to where she is now. She knows that Sakura is dedicated to her work and knows about the effort she has poured into building her career as an idol for almost seven, long years. Chaeyeon knows, and she would rather rip out her own heart than do anything to ruin it for the older girl.

And it’s not just Sakura. Everyone else in IZ*ONE, including herself, have worked tirelessly to achieve their dreams and Chaeyeon would have to be heartless to ignore that.

So, the guilt is always there.

But that doesn’t mean she stops loving (and she finally admits to herself that yes, it’s love, and she’s already in too deep). She wishes it does because that would make everything so much easier, but life isn’t so simple; once your feelings start to grow, it’s hard to control it. She wishes that the guilt is enough to discourage her from chasing this feeling but the small, selfish part of her wants to indulge. Maybe she hasn’t ever been in love before and maybe she still doesn’t know what love means exactly but what she does know is that Sakura is her best chance at figuring it all out.

It certainly doesn’t help that Sakura makes it easy to love.

Her hands are just the right size – small enough to fit in Chaeyeon’s like a missing piece of puzzle. Her hugs are just warm enough to melt Chaeyeon’s worries away and her presence is like a steady boat in the middle of a storm. And she’s so, so, beautiful, both inside and out.

Having Sakura so close all the time both hurts her and heals her in equal measures. It hurts because Sakura probably won’t ever think of Chaeyeon in the same way but then she thinks that maybe, just being together like this is good enough.

Chaeyeon knows that for the sake of the group – for Sakura – she should try to move on.

But love has changed her. She wants to cherish this feeling.

Love makes her want to be selfish.

So, she allows herself to be a bit selfish.

(This is her first mistake.)

--- 0 ---

Fansigns can be a double-edged sword, Chaeyeon finds.

She enjoys interacting with the fans and getting to know each person on an individual level. Her heart swells with affection and gratitude whenever she gets to talk to a fan who is very excited to meet her. In those moments, she reassures herself that she is loved, she has people who want her to be in the group.

After the rollercoaster of emotions that was Produce48, it feels nice to just enjoy every moment with the members and the fans without worrying about her rankings and the competition. As a rookie group, they don’t get many chances to see their fans outside of music show recordings so fansigns are an ideal place to give back some of the love they are receiving to their dedicated fans.

What Chaeyeon doesn’t enjoy is how closely sat next to each other they are in the fansigns.

Not because she has anything against the fact itself but because of how conscious she gets about the mark on her wrist every time the member on her left would so much as brush against her arm.

The fact that the member on her left this time is Sakura makes everything worse.

“Chaeyeon, are you okay?” Sakura asks in her accented Korean, gesturing towards Chaeyeon’s left eye that’s currently covered by an eyepatch. The last fan had moved onto the member next to Sakura and she’s now turning her attention on Chaeyeon with a worried expression.

Chaeyeon jumps slightly in surprise before masking her expression and giving Sakura a reassuring smile. “Yeah, I’m okay. It’s not as bad as it looks.”

Her heart pounds as she watches Sakura inching her hand towards Chaeyeon’s that’s resting on the table. She’s very conscious of the cameras being pointed at them right now so she discreetly takes the older girl’s hand and brings them below the table where it won’t be obvious.

Once their hands are rested on Sakura’s leg, the older girl silently begins to massage Chaeyeon’s hand. When she’s met with an inquiring look from the recipient, she explains, “Massaging your hand is good for your health. I hope you feel better soon.”

A gentle glow of warmth spreads from the tips of Chaeyeon’s formerly cold fingers and rises all the way up to her cheeks, before finally settling down in a special place in her heart that’s reserved for the Japanese girl. She knows that this is Sakura’s way of telling her that she cares and Chaeyeon’s love for her grows tenfold. If there’s a limit to how much love a person’s heart can physically hold for another, Chaeyeon’s pretty sure that hers has been filled a long time ago and it’s now overflowing.

It’s the little things like this. Chaeyeon doesn’t love because of what she thinks Sakura can give her. She loves because moments like this come together to form a picture of a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart; a girl who Chaeyeon can’t help but want to give her all to.

But she won’t ever be yours.

And maybe that’s okay. Sakura is her own person and Chaeyeon would never hope to hold her back in any way.

“Thank you. I feel better already,” Chaeyeon says, smiling in gratitude. Her emotions begin to swell up and she quickly creates a distraction to suppress it back down. “Hey, want to go and tease Yena?” she asks with a grin.

A playful spark enters Sakura’s eyes as she nods enthusiastically. “Let’s go!” she says in her adorable Korean accent.

Chaeyeon loves that about Sakura too. The way she tries hard to speak in Korean as much as possible. The way she stumbles over unfamiliar words. The playful smile that would light up her face whenever she’s about to tease another member.

It feels nice. Love feels nice.

Maybe Sakura won’t ever be hers but Chaeyeon’s content to simply bask in the feeling of being in love, because it’s the most beautiful thing she has ever experienced.

And if she can just pretend that she’s allowed to love Sakura with her entire being, she’s fine with that for now.

--- 0 ---

It’s one of those rare days that they don’t have any schedules.

All six members in the second dorm hadn’t gone out anywhere for the entire day and Chaeyeon can tell that Wonyoung is starting to grow restless as the evening approaches. Being the youngest member of the group, she always seems to have plenty of energy to spare and today is not an exception.

They’ve just finished eating their dinner and are gathered in the living room for a relaxing small talk when Wonyoung dashes into the scene, holding a pack of cards, and shouts, “Let’s play a card game!”

Immediately, Yuri jumps up with an enthusiastic fist pump, her expression akin to an excited puppy. “I’m in!” she says, before turning to Chaeyeon and the three Japanese members lounging on the sofa. “Play together?” she asks in her limited Japanese.

Hitomi is the first to nod and Chaeyeon isn’t surprised. She may seem shy and timid but she’s one of the most competitive people Chaeyeon has ever met - on par with Yujin and Wonyoung.

“I want to play,” Nako says, sliding off the sofa to join the three on the floor. She turns her head to the two oldest members, questioning, “Saku-chan? Chaeyeon? Are you playing?”

“Sure, sounds fun,” Chaeyeon agrees, noticing that Sakura seems rather excited to play a card game. They both join the circle as Wonyoung takes out the cards and begins to shuffle the deck.

“Do you have a particular game in mind?” Chaeyeon asks, directing her question at the youngest.

“Let’s play ‘Cheat’,” Wonyoung says. Then, to the Japanese members, she asks, “Do you know the game ‘Cheat’?”

When they all simultaneously shake their heads, Chaeyeon begins to explain the rules. “The dealer begins by placing a card in the middle. Then, as we go around, each player must place one or more card of either the same number or the same suite on top, face down. If you don’t have any, you can bluff but if another player thinks that you’re lying, they shout ‘cheat’ and if they’re right, you must take all the cards in the middle. If they’re wrong, they take the cards instead. The first person to get rid of all their cards wins.”

“So, you have to be good at keeping a poker face?” Sakura asks.

Chaeyeon nods in response. “And keep a good track of what cards have been placed down before to see if someone is lying or not.”

As Wonyoung begins to hand out the cards, she says, “We should decide a punishment for the last person to get rid of their cards.”

When she repeats this in Japanese for the three members to understand, Nako suggests, “Winner decide.” Although her Korean is short and missing some grammar, it’s enough to get her message across.  

“Good idea,” Yuri says, giving Nako an affectionate hug.

“I’m going to win!” Hitomi says, in a familiar display of mischief that they’ve grown used to seeing.

“Ah, I won’t lose to Hii-chan!” Nako replies, just as fired up. Chaeyeon melts at the adorable scene and contains the urge to pull both of them into a giant hug.

Once the cards are all handed out, they begin to play the game with Wonyoung starting as the dealer. The first few minutes of the game runs smoothly, with no one interrupting the flow to call for a cheat. However, as it reaches Yuri’s turn and she claims to put down two Jacks, Hitomi yells out, ‘Cheat!’ and the game quickly descends into chaos.

After a game filled with shouting, lots of laughing, and even the occasional tackle to the ground, Wonyoung comes out as the winner with Hitomi coming a close second and Sakura coming last. Chaeyeon had managed to place fourth, surprising even herself. She expresses her shock at not losing the game, and watches in amusement as Yuri and Sakura sulk.

“Okay, Sakura-unnie! Time for your punishment,” Wonyoung says, her tone filled with glee.

Sakura raises a finger and pleads, “One more game. One more game.”

At this, everyone protests, knowing that they could come last in the next game and receive punishment instead.

“Nope. You lost,” Wonyoung says, a wide grin stretched across her face. “As the winner, I order you to buy us chicken!”

Yuri cheers in support whilst Nako and Hitomi look like they’re in awe of the youngest’s never ending appetite.

“Now?” Sakura asks in disbelief.

“Now.”

Before things can escalate, Chaeyeon intervenes. “Wonyoung-ah, we just ate dinner. And eating chicken late at night isn’t good for you.”

Wonyoung pouts, her enthusiasm deflating. “Okay,” she says, without putting up much of a fight. Once again, Chaeyeon is reminded that Wonyoung is a truly good kid.

“So I don’t buy chicken?” Sakura asks, confused.

“You don’t,” Wonyoung agrees. Then, her eyes gain a mischievous glint that Chaeyeon absolutely does not like the look of. It’s the same kind of glint that Yujin would get when she climbs onto Minju’s bunk to steal her food. It screams trouble.

“Instead,” Wonyoung says, with a playful smirk teasing at her lips, “you have to kiss Chaeyeon-unnie on the cheek!”

Yuri makes a shrieking sound in the background, either from shock or excitement, and the two remaining Japanese members seem equally as interested in the new development.

“What?” Chaeyeon asks in reflex, her brain having ceased to function the moment Wonyoung put the words ‘kiss’ and ‘Chaeyeon-unnie’ together in one sentence when speaking to Sakura. She feels the heat radiating from her cheeks already and frantically attempts to quell the blush by forcing herself to think of sad things.

Her heart is pounding from nervousness (Or is it anticipation? Embarrassment? She can’t tell.) and she chances a quick glance at Sakura to see how the older girl is reacting to it all.

When her line of vision finally reaches Sakura, Chaeyeon almost does a double take from what she sees – Sakura’s cheeks are tinged with a pretty shade of light pink, her ears are glowing red and the expression on her face is almost… shy. If Chaeyeon didn’t know any better, she would say that Sakura is just as nervous as she is.

But that’s ridiculous…right?

Why would Sakura have any reasons to feel nervous? Friends kissing each other on the cheeks is a pretty normal thing to do.

Unless she likes me too.

Chaeyeon quickly shuts down that train of thought before it can go anywhere. She refuses to get her hopes up. It’ll only lead to disappointment. No hopes, no disappointment.

“If you don’t want to do that, you can kiss the floor instead,” Wonyoung says, when Sakura doesn’t make a move for a solid minute.

This gets Sakura into action. “I’ll do it, I’ll do it,” she says, inching towards Chaeyeon’s spot in the circle. When she’s gotten close enough, she gently places a hand on Chaeyeon’s left shoulder to support herself, leans in and plants a chaste kiss on her right cheek.

Immediately, the entire room erupts into a chorus of high-pitched screaming. Yuri is covering her eyes but still peeking through the gaps of her fingers, Nako and Hitomi are dramatically clutching onto each other and Wonyoung looks like she’s just accomplished something big.

Meanwhile, Sakura and Chaeyeon are both bright red in the face, unable to do anything about the onslaught of teasing from the members.

“You two should just date,” Yuri says, an echo of Chaewon’s exact words from their orientation trip in Tochigi. Chaeyeon remembers the wave of embarrassment that had flooded in as soon as she had mentioned that she was feeling hot.

What she’s feeling right now is similar but not quite the same. She’s embarrassed from being under scrutiny but a bigger part of her is giddy from happiness. She can still feel the tickle of the soft kiss against her cheek and the radiating body warmth from Sakura. The part of her skin that contacted Sakura’s lips is left burning and her stomach is filled with a swarm of butterflies.

A single thought occupies her mind: Sakura has soft lips.

It would be a lie to say that she had never thought about what it would feel like, but she had never once thought that she would get to find out. Now that she has, she can say for certain that reality is much better than anything her imagination could have ever dreamt up.

“I’m sorry Chaeyeon,” Sakura says, her face still sporting a faint blush. “I didn’t ask if you were okay with it.”

Chaeyeon feels herself growing a bit warmer at the unexpected attention from Sakura. She had thought that the Japanese girl would just move on and forget about the entire ordeal.

“N-no, it’s okay. It felt nice,” Chaeyeon says, only to regret it seconds later when her brain finally catches up to what she had just said. Thankfully, the other girls are still too busy talking amongst themselves to have noticed their little interaction.

Sakura seems surprised at Chaeyeon’s admission and her blush intensifies. “O-oh. Okay.”

An awkward tension forms between them and for the first time, Chaeyeon wonders if her feelings are really as one sided as she had thought.

As much as she tries to stop it from happening, a small flower of hope blossoms inside her.

(This is her second mistake.)

--- 0 ---

Chaeyeon thinks that she might be cursed.

When the manager had announced that she would stay in the second dorm with the three Japanese members, it made sense – after all, she’s the most fluent in Japanese amongst the Korean members so she would be able to help Sakura, Nako and Hitomi settle into life in Korea.

She had been a bit nervous at the prospect of living with Sakura, but she had accounted for the possibility of this happening and had prepared various methods to make sure that her mark (and her feelings) will be kept under tight wraps.

What she hadn’t accounted for, however, are the two remaining Japanese members.

They’re having one of their Korean study sessions in Chaeyeon and Hitomi’s shared room when at one point during a mini test, Nako abruptly puts down her pencil, makes eye contact with Hitomi and gives her a small nod. Hitomi nods back and together, they face Chaeyeon with the most serious expression she’s seen from them since the live broadcast for Produce48.

“Chaeyeon,” Nako starts hesitantly, giving Hitomi another quick glance before continuing with, “we know about your feelings for Saku-chan.”

Chaeyeon’s blood freezes cold. For a moment, she stops breathing as raw panic rises in her chest.

She barely notices her vision becoming unfocused as her mind frantically tries to analyse her past behaviour. Is she that obvious? Do the other members know? Does Sakura know? The guilt that she’s been trying to ignore in favour of indulging in her feelings now rises to the top as she wonders what the other members think about her feelings for Sakura.

They must be so disappointed in me, she thinks. Why wouldn’t they be? They’ve all worked their asses off to debut and Chaeyeon is selfishly risking it all for her one-sided love. Her heart lurches in fear as she imagines the betrayal they would feel, that Sakura would feel.

“Chaeyeon!”

Chaeyeon finally snaps out of her daze as Nako’s voice pierces through the fog in her mind. She looks up at the two Japanese girls sitting in front of her, only to realise that her vision is now blurry with tears. She tightens her grip on the pen in her hand. Nako and Hitomi, seeing Chaeyeon’s distressed state, quickly move around the table to her side and begin to apply a calming rub on her back.

“It’s okay, Chaeyeon. It’s okay,” Nako says quietly in Korean.

“There’s nothing wrong with liking someone,” Hitomi adds.

“Even if that someone is another idol in the same group as you?” Chaeyeon says, voice barely above a whisper.

“We just don’t want you or Saku-chan to get hurt. I’m pretty sure all the other members know about how you feel but nobody is blaming you, Chaeyeon. You can’t help who you love,” Nako says.

Chaeyeon slumps slightly in relief, her heart feeling lighter knowing that the members don’t hold her feelings against her. “What do you think I should do?” she asks.

“You should talk it out with Saku-chan,” Nako says. “I’m not sure how she feels about you, but I do know for sure that she won’t think any less of you for having these feelings.”

“We won’t say anything to her, but we’ll always be here for you to talk to,” Hitomi says.

In that moment, Chaeyeon decides to be brave and asks, “What does she think about soulmates?”

Nako seems to ponder for a moment before answering. “I think she believes in soulmates. She has always told me that her parents are soulmates, so she believes that fate will also lead her to hers.”

Chaeyeon absorbs the information in silence, a mix of emotions battling against each other inside her. On the one hand, she’s happy that Sakura isn’t against the idea of soulmates but on the other hand, Chaeyeon doesn’t want Sakura to accept her feelings simply because of that fact that she is her soulmate.

Hitomi seemed to have mistaken her silence for disappointment because she quickly adds, “But don’t let that stop you from talking to her. Just because she believes in soulmates doesn’t mean that she won’t be open to anyone else.”

Nako nods, taking Chaeyeon’s hand and squeezing it affectionately. “I’ve been with Saku-chan for a long time and I can see that you’re special to her. You’re good for her, Chaeyeon. Whether it’s as friends or as something more, I just want you two to be happy.”

Chaeyeon hears the sincerity in Nako’s voice and she begins to tear up once again. She wraps one arm around each girl and pulls them in for a group hug. No matter what happens, it won’t change the fact that she has the best members she could hope for in IZ*ONE and she hopes to cherish this bond for as long as possible.

--- 0 ---

It’s been just over a week since her conversation with Nako and Hitomi, and in that time, Chaeyeon has been seriously considering on following up on their suggestion.

She realises that bottling up her feelings like this isn’t very healthy and it may affect the group’s dynamics in the long run. Chaeyeon is still afraid of how their friendship would be affected in the aftermath of her confession but maybe she’s the one causing a rift by keeping such a huge secret in the first place.

And that leads her to her second problem: whether to tell Sakura that they’re soulmates or not.

The answer may seem like an obvious one but Chaeyeon is conflicted. If she’s going to be honest about her feelings, then surely, she should also come clean about her soulmate mark. Sakura deserved to know and withholding the information might lead to bigger problems in the future.

But a bigger part of her is hesitant to tell Sakura. Nako had said that Sakura believes in soulmates. Chaeyeon isn’t sure to what extent but she doesn’t want Sakura to force herself to give Chaeyeon a chance just because they happen to be soulmates.

Chaeyeon’s afraid that it may pose an ultimatum for Sakura. The last thing she wants is for the older girl to feel pressured to decide between her career and being with her soulmate. Especially if she doesn’t even have any feelings for said soulmate.

She decides to give herself one more week.

One more week, and she will talk to Sakura.

--- 0 ---

As it turns out, Chaeyeon ends up not having to wait for an entire week to talk to Sakura.

The twelve of them have just finished their early morning practice and all the other members have left the room, leaving Chaeyeon alone to finish packing up her belongings.

Or at least, she thought she was alone until she hears footsteps approaching and looks up to see Sakura walking over with a sense of purpose.

“Chaeyeon,” she says, “you’ve been avoiding me for the past week.”

Chaeyeon flinches at the accusation, knowing that Sakura is right. She’s always known that Sakura is a direct person who doesn’t beat around the bush but hearing it said so bluntly is still startling. Chaeyeon briefly considers lying her way out of this awkward situation but quickly decides against it. There wouldn’t be any point.

“I’m sorry, I tried to be subtle. I had a lot to think about and I didn’t want to affect you with my mood,” Chaeyeon says, apologetically. It’s technically not a lie. She did have a lot to think about and being near Sakura would have been too distracting.

Sakura regards her with a contemplative expression. “It’s okay. I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t upset you.”

Chaeyeon feels a pang of guilt at Sakura’s explanation. She’s been so preoccupied with her own issue that she didn’t think about how her actions would make the older girl feel. In that moment, an idea pops up in her mind and she meets Sakura’s gaze with a smile.  

“I’ll make it up to you,” she says, grabbing Sakura’s hand and leading her to the door. “I’ll buy you cheese hotdog.”

Sakura laughs, and it sends butterflies fluttering in Chaeyeon’s stomach. “Are you bribing me with food?”

Chaeyeon grins, trying to ignore the distracting feeling. “Is it working?”

“Maybe.”

They walk the rest of the way to the shop in relative silence. It’s not an awkward silence though and Chaeyeon likes that they don’t feel the need to fill it with constant chattering. She likes that they can just walk side by side and enjoy each other’s company.

Once they reach the shop, they each order a different hotdog and settle down at a table in the corner of the seating area to eat. A soft ballad is playing in the background and there’s only a few other customers in the shop, making it a pleasant and calming atmosphere.

Or it was calming until Sakura drops an unexpected question.

“What do you think about soulmates?”

Chaeyeon barely avoids choking on her mouthful of hotdog at the sudden question. Of course, Sakura would bring up the one topic that she’s been trying to avoid for the past few months. She feels her palms growing sweaty as her mind frantically searches for an appropriate answer.

“I think… they’re great? It sounds nice, but I haven’t thought much about it,” Chaeyeon says, in the most convincing voice she can muster. Lying has never been her forte and it’s not about to change anytime soon. She just hopes that Sakura doesn’t notice the slight tremble in her voice. Before Sakura can respond, she quickly gathers up the remaining scrap of courage left inside her and stutters out, “W-what about you?”

“I used to believe in soulmates,” Sakura says.

Chaeyeon’s heart sinks a little. “Used to?”

Sakura nods. “I used to think that if two people are truly fated, they would end up together. But now I think it’s more important to choose who you want to be with for yourself. You shouldn’t let fate control your life, you know?” she says. She’s looking at Chaeyeon as if she’s expecting some sort of response. As if she knows something that Chaeyeon doesn’t.

Chaeyeon resists the subconscious urge to the inside of her left wrist. So, Sakura doesn’t believe soulmates. At least, not anymore. Where does that leave Chaeyeon then? Should she still confess everything, having gained this knowledge? She’s not sure anymore.

If there exists a god, maybe it’s their way of telling her that they’re not meant to be. Either way, she can’t help but think that this is the calm before a storm. A sense of unease settles somewhere deep in her gut. Whatever it is that’s about to come, Chaeyeon’s not sure if she’ll be ready to face it.

She’s still not sure what all of this means, but Sakura is still waiting for a response, so she puts up a half-hearted smile. “Yeah,” she says. “You’re right.”

She’s right.

--- 0 ---

It’s two o’clock in the morning when Chaeyeon hears muffled crying on her way to grab a drink from the kitchen.

She stops in her tracks, her thirst already forgotten as she approaches the source of the sound. It’s coming from the living room and as she gets closer, she strains her eyes in the dark to see a familiar figure lying face down on the sofa, one hand clutching onto her phone that’s been temporarily given back to her by the manager.

“Sakura?” she whispers in surprise.

Sakura shifts her head and stares up at Chaeyeon, equally surprised. “Chaeyeon?” She slowly pushes herself up until she’s in a sitting position. “Why are you-” she starts, only to pause when her voice comes out hoarse.

“Hang on, I’ll get a glass of water,” Chaeyeon says, hurrying to the kitchen to fetch some water for Sakura and herself. “Here.” She places a glass on the coffee table in front of Sakura and settles onto the sofa next to her.

They drink in silence, neither initiating a conversation. Chaeyeon doesn’t want to pry into Sakura’s business as it doesn’t concern her, but she wants to be there for the girl regardless. Unlike Sakura, she’s never been very good with words, so this is her way of comforting people.

Minutes pass until Chaeyeon feels Sakura moving again. Seconds later, she feels a comfortable weight settle on her shoulder and the soft tickle of Sakura’s hair against her neck. It’s a familiar feeling and it brings about a sense of tranquillity within her.

“My mum called,” Sakura says, breaking the silence. Chaeyeon silently takes the older girl’s hand as a sign for her to continue.

“When I first told her that I wanted to become an idol, she didn’t approve. Even throughout my entire time at HKT, she never once expressed her approval. But just now, on the phone, she told me she could see that I’m doing my best. She said she’s-” Sakura pauses, her voice choking up. She takes a few seconds to collect herself before continuing in a quiet voice. “She told me that she’s proud of me.”

Sakura begins to tremble once again as she spills hot tears. Immediately, Chaeyeon raises her arm, wraps it around Sakura’s shoulder and gently her head. Her heart constricts painfully inside her chest as she listens to the soft cries next to her ear. If this is how she feels from just listening, she can’t begin to imagine how Sakura must be feeling.

I love you, she wants to say but she bites down on her lips until it bleeds to stop the words from escaping . Instead, she says, “I’m proud of you too. We’re all proud.”

Chaeyeon realises then that she’s crying too.

Because her heart is hurting for Sakura. Because in that moment, she experiences what a real heartbreak is like.

Listening to Sakura’s story has finally made her come to her senses. This is what Sakura had been sacrificing to chase her dreams. She had to endure so much, and she’s come so far to be where she is now. How can Chaeyeon possibly continue to be selfish in the face of all that?

Love had made her selfish but it’s finally time to stop.

At some point during their silence, Sakura had fallen asleep, most likely from emotional exhaustion. Chaeyeon gently manoeuvres her to lie on her back without waking her up. She then quietly goes back to her room to fetch a pillow and a blanket so that Sakura could sleep comfortably and not catch a cold.

Once she’s draped the blanket over Sakura’s body, she sits on the floor next to the sofa and takes in the older girl’s sleeping face. She doesn’t want to be creepy, but she promises herself that this is the last time that she will indulge.

As she reaches out a hand to brush Sakura’s bangs aside, she notices that it’s trembling. Not wanting to accidentally wake her up, she retracts her hand, letting out a stuttering breath as she does so. There’s a storm inside her - her heart is protesting loudly against her decision to let Sakura go. It’s bleeding and hurting but she ignores it because this isn’t about her.

She places a hand over her heart. The storm will pass, she tells herself. Time will heal.

Some things are just not meant to be.

She allows herself one last proper look at the person she loves.

“I love you,” she whispers into the quiet room. This is her third and final act of selfishness. “And I’m sorry for being selfish until now.”

It’s time for her to let go.

--- 0 ---

Things were bound to eventually reach a boiling point, and it happens during a dance practice.

It’s their first break since they started practicing and everyone is exhausted. Chaeyeon is slumped against the wall, gulping down a bottle of water when Eunbi approaches her.

“Come on, Chaeyeon, we need to resume practice,” she says, offering a hand to help her up.

Chaeyeon accepts the leader’s hand but slips in the process of getting up. Eunbi, using her quick reflexes, manages to grab onto Chaeyeon’s wrist and stops her from spraining an ankle.

“Woah, be careful,” Eunbi says, holding onto her until she finds her balance.

“Thank you unnie.” As Chaeyeon looks up to give Eunbi a grateful smile, she pauses, taking in the sight of Eunbi staring at her hand in curiosity.

“Eunbi-unnie? What’s wrong?” she asks, an unsettling feeling worming its way into her heart.

“Chaeyeon-ah,” Eunbi starts quietly. “Why do you have so much foundation on your wrist?”

Chaeyeon feels the blood draining from her face as she quickly checks her left wrist. A tight knot of anxiety forms in her stomach as she realises that Eunbi had grabbed onto her wrist and had taken away some of the foundation there. Normally, she would apply waterproof foundation, but she must have forgotten in her rush to get ready.

“I-I think I need to go to the toilet,” Chaeyeon says, avoiding Eunbi’s piercing gaze as she rushes out of the practice room. She ignores the leader’s shout of her name and runs to the nearest bathroom. Her heart is pounding furiously in her ears, an intense fear clouding all her rational thoughts.

There’s only one thought echoing in her mind: Eunbi knows.

Chaeyeon has worked so hard to make sure that her mark was hidden from the members and the public. She had been so meticulous, so careful, only for everything to come crashing down in a single moment.

She stares at the mark on her wrist. The Kanji characters seem to be taunting her and for the first time since she received the mark, she feels resentment bubbling in her chest.

Why her? Why did it have to appear and make everything so much harder?

If only I can scrub it off.

She turns the tap on and places her wrist under the running water. She furiously rubs at the mark, hoping in vain that a miracle would occur and erase it from existence. She rubs and scratches at the mark until her wrist is raw and on the verge of bleeding.

In that moment, the bathroom door opens and Eunbi steps in.

“Chaeyeon,” she says, voice hesitant.

Chaeyeon doesn’t want to look in the leader’s direction. She knows that she’ll break down the moment their eyes meet. “It won’t disappear,” she says, eyes never leaving the mark that’s still clearly engraved on her wrist. “No matter how hard I try, it won’t go away.” Her voice is rising, and she realises that she’s already reaching her breaking point.

From her peripheral vision, she sees the leader drawing near and in the next second, she’s pulled into a tight embrace with her face pressed against Eunbi’s neck.

“Shhh… it’s okay,” Eunbi says, her voice strained, as if she’s hurting too.

Maybe it’s Eunbi’s voice, or maybe it’s her strong, reassuring presence. Whatever the trigger is, in that moment, Chaeyeon finally lets her tears fall as she clutches onto the oldest member and lets out everything that she’s been suppressing deep down inside.

“I’m sorry,” she cries, and Eunbi immediately scolds her for apologising.

But Chaeyeon can’t help it.

The guilt is too much to bear.

---

A/N: Please don't kill me.