The feeling of someone shoving their tongue inside Minhyun’s mouth ends up making him moan, heat and desire pooling in his stomach. Being intoxicated is a scary yet exhilarating feeling, as if he’s high on something, freeing him from all the responsibilities and heavy feelings.

“More” He whispers, teeth nibbling the strangers lips. They were soft and bruised but they feel different, not the chapped and plump lips he’s learned to love. No, this will do he tries to convince himself, sliding his hands under the man’s shirt to feel him. He leaves a trail of light feather touches, the man’s stomach turning tense but there’s no defined muscles surrounding the area.

“Minhyun~”  A loud moan broke out, thick with lust and need. It makes Minhyun pull out his hand in surprise, hissing at the man who forgot about their rule. He shouldn’t be speaking. His excitement suddenly dies down, reality hitting him harder than it’s supposed to.

The alcohol in his system is not enough to trick his mind. He’s still rationale, sane, able to remember every detail of his ex lover. He’s still Hwang Minhyun.

“What’s wrong?” The man asks, his hot breath near the shell of his ear, sending shivers down his spine.

It’s different. His mind screams until the feeling of dread crept in. The man slowly nibbled his ear, hands roaming around his body. It's supposed to make him feel good but it doesn’t.

It doesn’t because the man is not him .

“I’m sorry” Minhyun hastily whispers, pushing the man off him. Quickly, he unties the blindfold that kept him from seeing the stranger, the spiteful truth biting at him the moment he opened his eyes. He felt a whirlwind of emotions, history repeating itself again. No matter how many times he replaced him, it’s his face Minhyun always sees.

Minhyun feels the desire leaving his body as the man left the room. The stranger understood the situation, there’s nothing serious between, just a few kisses until Minhyun can say he forgot about his existence. He’s been like that ever since they parted ways.

Minhyun doesn’t bother to label anyone anymore. To him, they’re simply blurry faces among the sea of people he knew. He must’ve met some of them once or twice, maybe even more than thrice but his memory’s too foggy whenever he sees them. The only thing that can be embedded in his mind is their taste, their voice, their touch because only then, can Minhyun disassociate them from his ex lover.

That they’re not him.  

Minhyun groans into his palm, kicking off his shoes until he’s lying down on the bed. His head is throbbing with pain, the after effects of alcohol finally making its way through his system. There’s still a bottle of beer by the bedside table, an emergency drink if ever he starts to become himself again, unfortunately, no amount of alcohol can take away his logical thinking.

There’s an urge to finish it so he escape from reality but a part of him needed to wallow in sadness. He’s been crying, screaming in silence whenever he’s alone. He needed strangers to pretend to be him.

Minhyun chuckles. So this is where he ends up after all.

“Minhyun, when are you going to stop drinking?” There it is, Jisung’s voice. He could always count on his friend to bring him out of his misery whenever he’s about to be swallowed whole. He’s always been the one to take care of Minhyun when he spouts out nonsense and gibberish.

“I don’t know” Minhyun mutters under his breath, partially blocking the light with the black blindfold before covering his ears to filter the noise. Perhaps, it will be easier to greet a new day if he’s blind and deaf. This way, he won’t run after the foolish image his mind projects and someday, he’ll forget that face and voice he still loves.

“Stop moping around, it’s been months” Minhyun’s breath hitched at those words, the urge to drink alcohol becoming a lot stronger than it’s supposed to. What happened to him? What happened to them? “Minhyun, I brought you here to unwind and interact with people”

“I did” He slurs out, crawling slowly to grab the bottle of beer. He’s been interacting a lot more than Jisung can imagine. He’s been with at least 10 guys this evening.

“No. No.” The older disapproves, shielding the bottle away before he can grab it. Minhyun softly whines, sitting dejectedly on the mattress. He just wants everything to go away. “Kissing is not interacting and so is looking for someone you can replace as Daniel”

He makes a small protest, kicking his feet as if he’s a little child and Hwang Minhyun doesn’t do that. From where he sat, he noticed the brief expression of hurt that flashed by Jisung’s face, only to be masked with concern immediately. He doesn’t point nor voice it out because it hurts a little bit more when his friends care.

“Min, look at me” Jisung says softly “We’ve talked about this. Daniel’s happy, he’s...You did this because you wanted to make him happy right? If he sees you like this then you know what will happen”

Minhyun crumbles lightly to Jisung’s words, the pain sinking deep in his heart. Tears starts to form at the corner of his eyes, letting out small sobs that he refused to let the older hear. By the end of the night, he’s always crying, weeping for something he cannot bring back. Despite the number of times Jisung told him to shout it out loud, he’s always left with a screaming voice in his head.

In his mind, there are only repeating words. Daniel deserves this happiness. You did it because you want him to be happy. It’s all for him. And no matter how much it affects him, tortures him on the inside, Minhyun can only shut everything.

“Min stop forcing yourself not to cry” Jisung pleads, clutching his shirt in a desperate hold but Minhyun shakes his head violently.

Discovering alcohol only made it easier for him to hide his true feelings. It became an effortless method of hiding his cries beneath the liquor he’s learned to call companion. As the days passed, it gradually eases his pain and his cries starts to become softer until it becomes soundless.

No one should hear his pain besides himself.  

He’s not sure how many minutes passed until he finally stopped himself from crying, but it happens when he felt the bile rising up his throat. He’s scrambling away from Jisung’s hold, in a rush to go to the toilet before he soils the carpet. Once he throws up, the older’s by his side, holding a packet of wipes as he messages someone.

If there’s anything he hated about alcohol now, it’s the after effects. The vomiting and head throbbing pain is a nuisance but it distracts him so who is he to complain?

“Daniel’s coming” A booming voice exclaims, slamming the door with force. Minhyun’s not able to answer, still throwing up but there’s a change of pace in his heart. It’s anxious, uncontrolled and panicked. “Minhyun, he’s coming”

“He heard you the first time Sungwoon” Jisung replies, voice laced with worry. Minhyun didn’t need to turn around to know what the the older’s doing. He’s probably making gestures to make Sungwoon shut up, worried about the state of his heart. Once he’s done, Minhyun turns to face his friends, wiping his lips with the wet wipes Jisung prepared.

Nobody needed to tell him how bad he looks because his friend’s expression says it all. He’s a mess.

“Let’s get you clean up?” Jisung asks, helping him stand up.

“It’s ok, I can do it” Minhyun weakly says, leaning on the wall to rest himself. The cold tiles calm him for awhile, like it does every time he needed to take a breath.

“You...don’t have to do this Min” Sungwoon interrupts, steadying him as he moved “You can go home and take a rest”

Minhyun scoffs “I’m alright hyung, I swear”

“You can leave before he arrives...You can..” Sungwoon stops mid sentence, looking at Jisung who doesn’t urge him to continue talking. It’s a sensitive subject for him to discuss. Minhyun doesn’t bring it up, always the type of person to hide his true feelings even towards his friends.

At some point, he feels sorry that he can’t do the same for them but they just have to understand that this storm is for him to conquer and survive.

“You can stop pretending to be happy when he’s here Min” Jisung continues instead. Minhyun lets himself smile in exhaustion “You don’t have to go through this”

“No, hyung. I’m fine” The words are there, but it’s hollow. Did he mean those words? Will they mean something in the future?   

Minhyun lets the cold water run down his body, peace momentarily taking over him. It doesn’t numb the feelings, the water doesn’t take it down the drain and he wished it did. He wished  that silence doesn’t take over his peace but they always do.

“Hyung”

“Hmm?” Minhyun removes his focus on the book he’s reading when Daniel spoke, the younger comfortable on his lap.

It’s a rare Saturday morning where they’re both free and have nothing to do so instead of spending it outside, they opted to rest indoors. Daniel seemed pleased with this decision as Ori played with him while Rooney and Peter nap in their bedroom, the two cats first choice when resting.

“Do you think...I can go to Jihoon’s dance competition?” He hears the younger ask shyly. Minhyun tilts his head before booping their nose together, a slight laughter escaping his lips. It’s funny how Daniel’s voice becomes small when he’s asking for something so simple, like he’s afraid that Minhyun might get angry.

“Of course~” the older replies, closing his book “Niel, you don’t even have to ask”

He lets his hands rest on Daniel’s mop of hair, disarranging a few of them, earning a satisfied moan from the younger. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to make sure you’re alright with it”

“Nielie, I’m always ok with anything you want to do”

And it’s true, Minhyun’s always been supportive with everything that Daniel wanted to do. He’s satisfied when the younger puts on his brightest smile, lighting up Minhyun’s whole world as if he’s the only one in it.

“Hyung!” One call and Minhyun musters all his courage to face Daniel. He made a promise to himself that when Daniel’s around, he’s Hwang Minhyun. He’s not hurting, he’s moving on and can carry himself around like they never broke up. He’s the Hwang Minhyun that Daniel learned to love.

He’s not the person who mopes around, kissing strangers until they start to feel like Daniel in his arms. He’s not the person full of regrets because he was given time and he didn’t use it properly. Tonight, in front of Daniel’s eyes, that person’s not him.

From his peripheral vision, he could see Jisung’s disapproving gaze, the corners of his lips turning downwards.

He’s never forgotten the number of times Jisung said this kind of behavior is unhealthy and Minhyun accepted all of that. He accepts all of the criticisms when it’s Daniel they’re talking about because the last thing he wants to see is his smile fading because of Minhyun. He can never bring back the past and make him smile like he used to but Daniel he can maintain the present ones.

“Daniel!” Minhyun shouts back, as if nothing’s wrong. He doesn’t engage in a hug, settling for a simple pat on the back instead. He can see the younger visibly stiffen at the contact, not expecting that to happen but he still smiles. Yes, please continue smiling because this way, Minhyun won’t regret his decision of letting him go. “You’ve grown bigger the last time I saw you”

Daniel playfully punches his shoulder “I’ve been working out! I have a lot of free time now!”

Since we aren’t together anymore Minhyun continues for him.

Minhyun makes a face, poking Daniel’s side “And here I thought, you’d get fatter”

The younger snorts in reply, making Minhyun smile softly. Daniel would never let himself do that, he’s conscious about his personal image, something Minhyun disapproves of. 

“How have you been hyung?” Minhyun sees the smile on Daniel. It makes him younger, brighter and better than the mess Minhyun made out of him. This was the person who once belonged to him, the person he didn’t choose to treasure until their love started to die. There's a prickling pain in his heart, the silence taking over them for a few seconds.

Minhyun musters the best smile he could fake, the corners of his mouth heavily turning upwards. He’s not a great actor but he hoped this would cover his true emotions. He turns to look at the night sky, a starless universe greeting him but it’s better than staring at Daniel’s face. “I’ve been well”

A clear lie.

“My apartment’s still clean, roomba’s still working hard and Jonghyun recently adopted a child! My work load’s been a lot easier these days, I also learned how to cook~” Minhyun tries to project a teasing tone in his voice and it works when Daniel laughed. For a second, he forgot where they both stand now and it’s not on the same path. Minhyun tried so hard to mask his emotions, a different answer forming in his head. ‘What I mean to say is that I try to clean it. I forget a lot of things now that you left. Jonghyun’s also hoping you’d drop by and name the child but do it when I’m not there, at least you don’t have to worry about approaching me because I know you will’

“That’s great hyung! I’m happy you’re getting some work done~ Stop procrastinating alright?” Daniel laughs so naturally that it suffocates Minhyun. He wants to touch his face, caress it and kiss his forehead like he once did. ‘Daniel I’m sorry. The truth is, I’m exhausted with all the work but I have to keep you away from my mind’

“How about you? How have you been?” There’s a certain affection in his voice whenever he speaks to Daniel. Everything feels light and just right.

“I did it hyung” Daniel whispers, a fond smile playing on his lips. It takes Minhyun a couple of seconds before it finally sinks in.

“You did?” Minhyun lets out his first smile of the night, something only Daniel can bring out of him. This is an accomplishment, an achievement he’s been holding Daniel back from and Minhyun will not dare do anything to ruin that. Gently, he pats Daniel on the head, unable to pull him into a hug because that’s not what they are anymore “You did well, Daniel”

“Hyung you can call be my nickname you know” The younger playfully teases, lightly punching his arm. Minhyun knows that gesture. He’s nervous, asking himself why Minhyun’s not calling him the same way before. Daniel should know the answer, he cannot bring back stuff from the past.

At this point, Minhyun wonders how long he can keep up his smile. It’s exhausting to try and fake it. He wants to take a swig of alcohol and maybe then, it will be easier to keep a mask on. How long can he keep this facade up without Daniel noticing.

Or is he just pretending not to notice?

There’s silence for a couple more minutes, the loud bass thumping in the background, serving as a reminder that they’re not alone. That right now, there are hundreds of people inside the house, wasted, happy, free and uncaring and as bitter as it sounds, he’s not one of them.

“Hyung?” Daniel’s voice quickly pulls him back, an automatic forming on his face. He must’ve sensed the discomfort. “Hyung, I did it”

Minhyun nods “I know Daniel, I know” He drags the word longer than he should’ve, hands itching to touch the younger’s face. Minhyun will  keep on smiling, even when it’s heavy and tiring because it’s what Daniel should see. ‘I know puppy and I’m happy and contented that you let me see this side of you’

He knows that there’s more to what he said. It’s an unfinished sentence, a question waiting to be asked but no one dared do it.

“I guess the rumors are false then!” The new voice catches their attention, moving away from each other quickly. The smile on Daniel’s face spreads at the sight of Sewoon carrying a drunk Jaehwan by his side. The red face and giggling mess telling them how much he’s drank. ”You haven’t broken up after all! Jaehwan keeps on pestering me about it”

“What are you saying Sewoonie~” Jaehwan pouts, poking Sewoon’s face. He can’t muster to stay like that for too long, the alcohol turning his brain into mush. “They’ve broken up, for months noooow, right?”

“He’s right” Minhyun answers for Daniel, worried about Jaehwan’s current state. He’s a chatty drunk after all. “Why don’t you bring him inside Sewoon? You can take him to the second floor and let him lie down there”

Sewoon nods slowly, smiling apologetically “I’m sorry...I just thought you’re still together considering the photos haven’t been...deleted”

“It’s ok Sewoon, we didn’t want everyone to talk about it” Minhyun ushers them outside, helping Sewoon. He thought he’s safe but it’s just wishful thinking until Jaehwan stops in his place. “What is it?”

“Wait wait, I’m forgetting something” He pushed his two friends away, staggering as he walked towards Daniel with a big grin on his face “MY MAN DANIEL!!”

The latter laughs nervously, catching the intoxicated Jaehwan in his arms. Minhyun starts to feel something inside of him stirring, afraid that secrets will spill out if he lets Jaehwan be. He’s rooted to the ground, unable to move when it does.

“Congrats on the scholarship!!!” Jaehwan giggles, spilling the contents of his cup as he stumbled closer to Daniel “You should thank Minhyun hyung~~”

“Thank Minhyun hyung?”

Jaehwan nods profusely “He sent the forms for you!”

Daniel grows silent, frowning at the sudden words “What do you mean?”

“The scholarship you got, it was because of Minhyun hyung!!” Jaehwan points at Minhyun, who remained at his place, a grim expression painting his features “You’re silly! It didn’t just randomly pop out-”

“Jaehwan stop” Sewoon interrupts, figuring out that he shouldn’t be part of this conversation. That it shouldn’t even be out. He nervously glanced at Minhyun’s direction, the air around them suddenly changing from playful to heavy.

“No, Jaehwan, speak” Daniel firmly says, his voice changing into something different. Minhyun knows what it is, the voice that he rarely uses. Closing his eyes, he finally found the courage to walk towards the two of them.

“No, leave” Minhyun calmly says, forcing Daniel to let go of Jaehwan who’s a giggling mess. The night’s supposed to go better. He promised himself this would be the last time he'll face Daniel before the younger leaves for his new life. Once they’re out of sight, nobody speaks for a short time.

“You..” Daniel starts, clenching his fist tightly “Why did you do it”

“I did it for you Daniel” The answer comes out monotonous, feelings being suppressed deep in his heart. He doesn’t have any other reason, he just did it for Daniel, for the future he didn’t run after because he’s contented with Minhyun by his side.

“Is that why you….broke up with me?” Daniel starts to break down, different emotions raging in his eyes. Please smile, don’t look at me this way Minhyun prays in his head, unable to take everything.

“Yes” Comes his strained reply “Because you’re not letting yourself grow Daniel, you’re staying with me, you’re contented, you’re-”

“I’m not what you wished for, hoped for” Daniel finishes for him, like there’s a sudden realization dawning over him as he steps away, back hitting the railing of the balcony.

“No! That’s not what I’m saying” Minhyun follows, almost kneeling down so he can cup Daniel’s face, trying to dry the tears that’s been shed. He’s desperate to remove them, holding his tears in so he can’t show Daniel anything.

“That’s exactly what you’re implying hyung!”  

“I just want you to live your life” Minhyun says, exhaustion taking a toll on his body.

“And it’s mine to decide!” Daniel bites back, pushing Minhyun harder than expected. He watched as the older stumbles back, his body hitting the cold hard floor “Who are you to tell me what I should choose? Who are you tell me how I should live my life? Hyung, I was happy!”

“You were happy” Minhyun replies, a cold chuckle escaping his lips “You were happy and contented. Is that all you ever want to be Daniel?”

“You don’t understand…” Daniel shakes his head, grabbing Minhyun by the collar “...You can’t even let me make my own decisions? Was that how incapable I look in your eyes?”

Minhyun pursed his lips tightly, unable to find any answer to his question. “I...You were never...“

Daniel scoffs, standing up to maintain a certain distance between them “I thought you trusted me because I trusted you. I did nothing but support you hyung, I respected your wishes and stayed by your side...How is it that out of all people in my life, you’re the one who chose to betray me like this?”

Minhyun watched Daniel cry in front of him, a big difference from how their relationship ended a few months ago. “You’re so unfair hyung, why did you decide for me? You could’ve told me and together, we might’ve been able to overcome it”

“Daniel...I-”

“You’re so unfair...unfair...unfair...” Daniel keeps repeating this until Minhyun can’t also hide his tears, letting themselves wallow in the sorrow that Minhyun caused “You gave yourself time to be ready, did you not think of me!?”

Daniel’s shouts are drowned by the loud music but his tear stricken face cannot be hidden. It’s painful for Minhyun to watch it happening, not when Daniel mustered all the courage to smile when they broke up.

“If that’s what you want hyung, I will respect your wishes” Were the words Daniel told him that time “Thank you for learning to love me”

They were honest and pure because Daniel didn’t want to tie Minhyun to something he doesn’t want anymore. They had a deal before everything started. They promised each other to let go when they’re tired and unhappy, when they’ve had enough and it seems like their relationship is on the verge of breaking apart.

Minhyun wasn’t unhappy nor was he tired, but he was afraid. Afraid that someday, Daniel will realize he’s capable of something more but he’s with Minhyun. The fear planted a seed until it grew and changed his thoughts.

Without any warning, Minhyun rushed to wrap his arms around Daniel to take all the pain. He cradled Daniel in his arms as the younger tried to push him away. Perhaps, there’s so much more to their relationship that destroyed it. It’s not just the scholarship grant that Minhyun hid from him, but all the other secrets Minhyun chose to hide.

“Why?” For the last time, Daniel utters out, slowly losing his strength.

“I’m sorry” Minhyun whispers, hoping that Daniel could sense the sincerity behind his words.

“Puppy, listen to me. From now on, I won’t be there to wake you up in the morning, I won’t be there to cook food for you and kiss you when you leave. I won’t be the one who’ll drive you when you’re late or tickle you when you’re upset. I won’t be the one to dry your tears after this and I won’t be the last person you’ll share a kiss with” All of this, Minhyun tries to pour out from his heart while he stares at Daniel, trying to remember every part of him because tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day and he doesn’t know if he’ll have anything to remember Daniel by. “And now, I will let you go because all I want for you is to be happy”

Minhyun plants a kiss on Daniel’s forehead, letting himself stay there for a few seconds, afraid that when he pulls away, everything will disappear as quickly as it appeared. When Minhyun opened his eyes, Daniel’s still within reach, his love radiating with gentleness and care but he barely blinked and everything seemed to slip away from his fingers so fast that he’s unable to move.

“If that’s what you want hyung, I will respect your wishes” Daniel answers, his eyes disappearing behind his smile. He doesn’t ask any questions, doesn’t complai, doesn’t protest. They’ve been with each other for so long that it became easier to read each other’s body language by now. “Thank you for learning to love me”

Minhyun tries to hold back his tears, biting back his sobs but he knows Daniel can feel them. Slowly, he entangles himself away.  “Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love you”

This is goodbye.

This is the end of their story.

But not the end of his love to Daniel.