‘are you coming in late?’ Lisa texts Jaehyun when she sees he’s not at his desk on Monday.

‘don’t feel good :/’ is his response, leaving her to look at the tupperware on her desk, clean and ready to return and his mom’s shirt in a spare brown paper bag.

She bites her bottom lip, clocking in.

It’d be no fun working alone by herself today and she was looking forward to seeing him, just to make sure that whatever happened Friday wasn’t a big deal.

Wait, is that why he left early? Had he been sick then too? Had he been sick all weekend, not saying anything?

Was it her place to know?

Lisa had to return his stuff… It’d been a week since she'd borrowed his mom’s shirt and she had to be wondering where it was…

“So how was your weekend?” Sue asks, stealing Jaehyun’s chair and sitting next to Lisa.

Lisa snaps out of it.

“It was good…”

“What about it was good?”

Lisa wasn’t much for retelling. It’s not that she was concerned about being private, it was more so the way people liked to nitpick at each other’s lives for gossip material. Every time she talked about what was happening to her, it felt more like a chore to entertain rather than a real conversation.

But she relents.

“Daniel stopped by.”

“Ooooh, are you two together now then?” Sue whispers mischievously.

Lisa shakes her head.

“No, I think we just decided to forget the whole thing entirely. I never wanted us to date for the right reasons anyway… It didn’t make sense.”

Sue nods, sympathetically. Though it’s more in default assumption that Lisa still being single is sad. This is also why she had thought Daniel might be a good idea. It would make people stop treating her like some pathetic woman that’s begging to be loved.

Did she want love? Yes, of course. But why wallow in total misery. Someone had to come along… eventually.

“You know I can always hook you up with one of my friends again.”

This is how Lisa had met Ryan in the first place. One of Sue’s blind dates. It hadn’t been too bad, if you judged by the fact Lisa and Ryan had been together for 6 months before breaking it off. There was just something missing… It was an amiable, orderly liking. Basic attraction, standard , and details of ‘let’s go to that book reading on Friday’ ‘okay.’

Nothing that made her crave him or think of him when he wasn’t around. One time she’d noticed they hadn’t even talked to each other for a full week and it had been fine. She hadn’t missed him.

But wasn’t that closer to a good relationship than a bad one? Maybe Sue had been on the right track. Maybe her next match would be like Ryan but with that missing quality…

“I’ll think about it,” Lisa says.

It’s time to be more proactive.

Sue’s expression is one of surprise but excitement.

“Yes! This might be just in time for the holiday party!”

Ah, yes. The annual work holiday party. The one day where professionalism was thrown out the window and they lived like Vegas. Anything that happens, stays… Meaning the next weekend after you’ve hooked up with Tony from IT, no one brings it up. It was a party of scandal and forgiveness. And, unfortunately, mandatory.

Lisa returns to her car, getting ready for shopping alone but on the way to another store, she nearly passes by Jaehyun’s house and does a u-turn without thinking.

The lavender bushes have dulled down to a lighter purple in these last autumn weeks.

She takes out her phone to call Jaehyun.

“Hello?” his voice is gruff, the mixture of a cold and maybe just waking up.

“Hi…” Lisa says, breathlessly, nervous from calling and not texting. “I’m, um. I’m outside your house right now… to return you things and… just wanted to make sure you're okay.”

She rolls her eyes at herself. Why does she sound like this? It’s not like he’s dying!

“Oh.”

She hears the rustle of blankets.

“I’ll come let you in.”

Lisa parks her car out front and arrives just in time, as the door opens.

“Holy !” she immediately looks around, hearing her own voice echo throughout the neighborhood.

Jaehyun is leaning on the doorway, pale faced and eyelids struggling to stay up.

She walks in quickly, kicking her shoes off, dropping her bag, and sliding an arm between his arm and chest, guiding him toward the stairs.

His skin is hot and sweaty.

“I’m fine,” he protests, trying to shake her off.

“Yeah, you’re totally fine, that’s why we’re standing in the middle of the stairwell because you literally can’t decide which foot to move to the next step,” Lisa says, grabbing the back of one of his knees and pulling it up, encouraging it to bend.

“It’s just a cold.”

“Looks more like the flu.”

“My mom should be back soon. She’s picking me up medicine.”

“Jaehyun, you should be at the hospital.”

Jaehyun shakes his head, too tired to form more words in protest.

Eventually, they make it back to his room, where he collapses straight down on his bed. Not even crawling back under the blankets.

“I’ll be right back,” she says, almost adding “don’t move” before realizing he can’t even if he wanted to.

She rushes to the bathroom, opening cupboards until finding a hand towel and soaks it under cold water before wringing it to a dampness that won’t drip all over the hallway carpet.

Brushing aside the hair sticking to his forehead, Lisa drags the neatly folded wet towel until it lays ear to ear.

She watches Jaehyun’s face soften in relief. She knows he feels better without him saying it.

“Thanks.”

Lisa pulls the desk chair next to his bed out to have a place to sit and in the process glances at a corkboard of pictures and other memorabilia.

There’s Jaehyun as a kid, with a superhero cape around his neck. And Jaehyun as a teen with friends. And girls. And other girls. Multiple pictures with multiple girls with blonde hair and brown hair and sometimes hair like hers.

“Figures you were a player.” she finds herself saying without meaning to.

Jaehyun opens his eyes with a squint, looking at the ceiling, it’s too much to turn his head.

She sees the twitch of his left dimple.

“It was never my intention.”

“So you don’t deny it.”

“...It depends on your definition… Did I date a bit, yeah… But did I cheat or lead people on… No.”

“But I’m sure you still broke hearts.”

“If I did, I don’t think its my place to be blamed. There might’ve been disappointment but what, should I have been kept with someone just because they wanted me?”

Lisa, sighs.

“Don’t talk so much.”

She picks up the towel and unfolds it, finding a still soaked corner and tracing Jaehyun’s dry lips.

His face turns and his eyes open a little wider, watching her, feeling the pressure of her pointer finger on the other side of the fabric as she circles once more.

She feels him watching but doesn’t catch his eye, focusing intensely on her hand before returning to the towel to its previous place.

“I brought the tupperware and your mom’s shirt,” she says because it’s something to say, since he’s clearly fighting much needed sleep and she doesn’t understand why.

Jaehyun blinks, turning his head back up.

And they sit in silence, not pressured.

Lisa watches his chest rise and fall lightly until his breath turns into the soft hum of someone that won’t be able to hear her slip away, but the chair scratches against his wood floor as she gets up and this noise ignites a fast movement of a hand grabbing her wrist and tugging her back down in her seat.

“Stay.”

“You need me to?” Lisa asks, scooting over to peer at his head again.

“I want you to,” he answers, dropping his hand down to hold hers, their fingers slipping between each other's and pulling them down to rest beside him on the bed.

Lisa doesn't know what to say or do in reply. She just knows she doesn't feel like fighting when he's in this state, so she keeps her hand in his and stays seated. Feeling Jaehyun's pulse through his knuckles and wondering if he can feel hers too and how they're talking to each other through the beats instead of words. And how she's worried that in those beats she might be saying things she hasn't even let her mind come up with yet. That there's a secret being withheld and told without permission.