Don’t you like me for me? / Is there any better feeling than coming clean?
 

It happened in a split second. Small rays of sunlight beamed onto her closed eyelids to remind her of the day, interrupted by the shadow of a girl.
 

“Get up, please."
 

The first thing Saerom noticed was that Gyuri spoke in short sentences, if not just singular words. She would carry herself with the nonchalance of the lucky people who walk the world with confidence and poise, deliberately and effortlessly getting people to notice her glow even when she never tried. Her presence was always felt, and her so was her absence, and both demanded everyone’s attention. She looked like she had everything and wanted nothing.
 

Except when she actually wanted something. Her face looked blank but determined. Even when she was slightly angry, as Saerom somewhat assumed, she was unmistakably pretty.
 

Aside from the taller girl's face, her stern eyes that were now bearing into her from above, everything else was hazy and undefined in the wake of literally being woken up ––– she was still piecing the moment together, a quick sweep of her surroundings with her hands pointed to the conclusion that until very recently, she was asleep and lying down on a loosely rolled sweater, under a tree, in the middle of the school pavilion no less, and that she was missing something. She was in the middle of something –––
 

“My crossword bo–––“
 

There it was, in the taller girl’s hand –– 100 Crossword Puzzles, a time-, apparently also good for shielding your face from the light during naps. She extended her arm to grab it back only to nearly lose her balance as Gyuri whisked the said book away from her reach and towards the sky, towering over her, making her feel like a frustrated child without her toy. 
 

“Answer me first. Why were you sleeping in the middle of 4th period?”
 

“Honestly, I don’t know. It was lunch when I came here, and I –– I just dozed off, okay? I’m sorry.”
 

If she were truly honest, she would also mention that she fell asleep while lost in thought, sidetracked by word number two, across –– it would’ve been the final word to complete the damn puzzle, and it should have been easy, considering the clue ––– a five letter word for devotion. Piety? No. Fervor? That’s six. Even googling didn’t help.
 

The reality of the present moment cracked the whip. She was getting increasingly flustered as it all rushed back to her, what she wrote down and subsequently erased. Or at least she hoped she had truly erased it. All the heat traveled up to her face. She brushed the grass off her lap and stood up.
 

“Now, please…” Trying not to sound desperate, but only trying, she begged. "Give it back.”
 

She watched helplessly as Gyuri’s eyes scanned the page, which was marked by a post-it of unintelligible reminders. Her handwriting wasn't what embarrassed her, even though it could’ve been a little more neat. The shorter girl was neat when she tried, but right now, she was definitely a mess. When the taller girl lifted her head to look back at Saerom, she held her once stern gaze, which softened into a flash of concern, and then back to austerity.
 

“You’re lucky it was just a study period. I know you’re good at English, but you shouldn’t neglect these things…” As Gyuri continued, Saerom tried to mask her relief. "You should run back to class before they start noticing you’re gone. We have History in 15 minutes. There’s a pre-test.”
 

She couldn’t help but chuckle in her head, they definitely did have history. Unfortunately.
 

Even though she’d deny it, she was waiting for this to happen, meaning, she was waiting for them to talk again, alone, but not like this –– not here, and clearly not while being scolded. It’s like she prayed for rain and got hit by a wave instead. 
 

Gyuri was naturally authoritative without trying, which didn’t really endear her to most people but made them admire her, enough to think she would be a good fit for student government –– so much, in fact, that she had been duly elected every year of high school to lead her class, and enough to eventually become the current president of Stone Academy’s student council. Sadly, this had the effect of having Saerom wonder whether she did this out of duty, or out of a sense of friendship. 
 

Were they considered friends, still? Because Gyuri was obviously the only one who noticed she was missing, the only one who went to look for her, and given that it was a study period, everyone else was probably not studying at all, just rejoicing at being given a break before midterms, caught up in their own business, idle chatter and gossip, their own naps, or food, glorious food –– 
 

But maybe Jisun was studying, Jiwon was screaming and cackling for sure, Chaeyoung was the same kind of loud, but was probably scratching her head for answers alongside Nakyung and Seoyeon in classroom a floor below her own, taking a Trigonometry midterm, and even though those three were a year below her as well, they got along well and helped her get used to her surroundings and the school environment. She sat beside a girl named Hayoung, who would share notes with her, even though she didn’t know how she took those notes, which were quite comprehensive, given she stared out the window half the time.
 

So considering she only moved back to Seoul and transferred back to Stone last year for her junior year, she had enough friends and made them easily. It was hard readjusting to a gradually busier life in the capital, as she had been away for nearly four years until then after moving to  Pyeongchang for her mom’s job, where she was 4 hours away by bus and 2 hours by bullet train. In those four years, she grew into who she was now, outgoing but reserved, thoughtful but oblivious, beautiful but still insecure.
 

Saerom was neither rowdy nor quiet, she liked to talk when spoken to, and when comfortable, she was witty, smart, and snappy ––– but it all escaped her when she was around Gyuri. She could only guess what she was thinking about while dozing off under the shade, and her hunch was right. She was daydreaming about the girl in front of her, the past, the present, and the immediate future she never could’ve predicted –– if she were a bit smarter and a lot more present, she would’ve known better than to forget if she had erased the five letters she remembered she earnestly scribbled an hour or so before in delirium –– G Y U R I –– uppercase, in heartsick pencil, apparently a five letter word for devotion. 
 

If they all knew how devoted Gyuri actually was, they would’ve never be afraid of her. She only seemed aloof or cold, but it was a front. If anything, she cared more than anyone else, even though she was loathe to admit or show it. She was funny in her own way, warm but also cool, passionate and never pretentious –– she always did what was asked of her and she always remembered her promises. Even then, Saerom couldn’t help but feel as if something changed over the years, and that Gyuri was keeping her distance because (and not despite the fact that) she knew her better than everyone else, even after so many years. 
 

She was always busy, always out of reach, and always when she worked up the guts to talk to her the courage always melted away when the opportunity presented itself. She felt as if Gyuri had too much on her plate and that to bother her would be awkward considering they hardly spoke for most of last year, and even then, it was only about school, as if Gyuri were avoiding something, or maybe just her...
 

Why? It’s been a whole year of just almost talking, and yet ––
 

“Anyway,” she broke the short silence after Saerom, lost in thought, forgot to answer. “Let’s go.”
 

They began walking side by side, past the fountain and the flower gardens, arms only a few inches apart, and as Gyuri picked up the pace, she handed the aggrieved her crossword book back. She almost forgot. Flipping through pages to check the only thing that would quell her anxiety, she saw it –– G Y U R I, but smudged and with the most of the top half erased, just enough to be ambiguous. Did she know? Or did she pretend to not see it? She wanted to slap herself, she didn’t mean for anyone to read it, much less to write it. It was just nice to write her name again.
 

“By the way…” Her voice trailed and slightly shook as they reached the hallway. She checked the window of the door before turning the doorknob, then turned to face Saerom before opening it. Was she nervous too?
 

“The word. It’s ardor.”
 

“What?”
 

“A five letter word for devotion. Ardor.” 
 

“Oh…” The heat rushed back to her cheeks. Maybe the ice began to thaw after all. “Thanks.”
 

The normally steely eyes began to form into kind crescents, and a sincere smile began to creep into her lips as she stared directly into Saerom’s eyes. Time slowed but her heartbeat sped into a whirr, why is she looking at me like that? It felt familiar, but not entirely.
 

“Don’t worry about it.”
 

Like old times, but a new feeling.

––––––

FOUR YEARS AGO

–––---

“What’s that?”
 

Gyuri looked up to see a smiling, mischievous Saerom glowering over her. It was natural that she found her under one of the neighborhood apple trees, as it always had been where Gyuri slunk off to read. She knew Saerom would come, she memorized the sound of the latter’s bicycle bell, and the way her shoes sounded as they hit the pavement, even the rhythm of her run. Stoically though, she turned the page, as if she didn’t hear her at all before she leaned in.
 

“A book.”
 

It was curt reply to a dumb but honest question, as always, even though Gyuri was a smart , she only meant to friend, who was predictably incensed. Instead of getting riled up though, the smaller girl, who was in fact a bit older, sat beside her without flinching and began to yawn. She looked over at the pages and decided she did not want to decipher huge blocks of text, and scooted a bit farther before plopping her head into Gyuri’s lap, facing up to look at the apples, at the leaves, at Gyuri, who was still immersed in her book, before shifting her eyes to look down at the drowsy girl who made her into a personal pillow.
 

“I know, you dummy. What are you reading?”

“It’s called Persuasion. It’s in English.”
 

“Wow, can you give me some of your brain? I can see it from down here!” Pointing up at her nostrils while lying down, she started relentlessly poking Gyuri’s cheek before the younger girl decided to give her a taste of her own medicine and grabbed the hand attacking her face, taking the offending finger and putting it up her nose for real.  Saerom screeched.
 

“Hey!!!!!!!” You –––“
 

“If you can dish it, you can take it,” Gyuri replied smugly.
 

“Oh yeah? Well,” Saerom struggled to find the words before giving up and laughing, “You’re right.”
 

Comfortably nestled in Gyuri’s lap, she closed her eyes for a few seconds as if to capture the moment for herself, and opened them again to take it all in again and smiled up at her friend, who lived in a neighboring house across the street. The summer was passing by way too quickly for her and she wanted to cherish every second of the warm air. 
 

“Where’s Yeoreum?” the reading girl asked, her eyes still glued to the book.
 

“She’s getting her summer cut today, my mom took her to the groomers. Also because my dad said she might pee on all the boxes.”
 

Gyuri, however, did not want to talk about that, at least not yet, not now, not ever. She tightened her grip on the book and let the reply fly over her head and crash land into her thoughts later.
 

How is it that the one person she could truly be herself around was the one who had to leave?
 

Nothing was fair, and yet, she didn’t have the heart to complain about it openly and make a scene or be any kind of nuisance. It’s not like Saerom had a choice. It was just that everything about their friendship was natural in spite of (maybe also because of) their contrasting natures, even though they did rub off on each other somehow, it was that balance that kept everything comfortable. 
 

Gyuri liked to read, and Saerom liked to watch her read before falling asleep. Saerom liked to dance, and Gyuri liked to watch her dance before trying herself and getting too shy to ask her to teach in depth. Gyuri liked playing the piano, and Saerom liked to listen while learning to read Gyuri’s other English books (of which she made outlines for to make things easier to understand), they both liked to take walks around the neighborhood, and Saerom would sometimes bring Yeoreum too, and tell Gyuri she looked like a puppy when she smiled. They both liked raiding the closets of Saerom’s older sisters, they liked babysitting Gyuri’s baby sister Jiheon, who was only 7 at the time while Gyuri’s parents worked daily –– they didn’t even flinch when Jiheon-y started to call them mom and dad, but the night after, maybe Gyuri thought about the implications for a split second before laughing it off with Saerom.
 

They both liked going to the creek to throw stones and look for fish, they both liked watching lame, predictable romcoms and jump scare-laden slasher movies, they both liked to sit in comfortable silence after a long day and listen to the radio, they liked sleeping in each others’ rooms –– they liked each others’ company. They were inevitably best friends. There was never any tension, and they only fought over cheating in arcade games and when teasing goes a bit too far, even then it rarely happened.
 

Then boys, or just the straw that broke the camel’s back, or some other fancy or more appropriate way to say that things were changing and there’s always a catch when things got too good.
 

They were teenagers now, young ladies, according to their moms and dads and random non-immediate family members and family friends, so they must be thinking about boys, they’d say with a hearty laugh and a wagging finger, and tell them to do well in their studies, even if some of their elders never really did well in school. The two would copy the fake concern amongst themselves in hushed tones, turning it to inside jokes, never really talking about boys, but that did make them wonder every now and then.
 

Saerom was in Gyuri’s house a week ago, during her dad’s birthday, where they both made a medal shaped cake and thoroughly made up for the misshapen bake job with heaps of colored frosting. Some of Gyuri’s male cousins came over to celebrate. They saw Saerom, who remarkably and annoyingly never looked bad during puberty in Gyul’s opinion, and started whispering to themselves and smiling. Saerom started to notice, and shyly looked away at the cartoon re-run airing on the living room TV.
 

Gyuri normally did not let herself get mad enough to let it show, but she was visibly annoyed at the way they were ogling her. She shot them a look before they looked amongst themselves with a grin, before the eldest of them, Byungjoo, turned to Gyuri’s mom and asked her, “Eemo, don’t you think Gyuri’s shirt makes her look like a lesbian?” The other cousins jeered and chuckled. Her face turned the beet red of her red button down and she balled her fists in shock. Jiheon looked around in confusion, not knowing what the tension meant.
 

It was never a secret that flannels and button downs were always her go-to look, or that she was never the type to dress up, and even when she did, she didn’t know anything about make-up or anything of the nature, and in turn, was always encouraged to stop buying loose-fitting shirts and jeans. Feeling the other girl’s posture grow increasingly more defensive beside her, this was the first time Saerom ever saw Gyuri lose her composure. She grabbed one of the throw pillows on the couch, and with the most force she could muster, threw it into his face without a word.
 

The door swung shut with a loud bang.
 

“Gyul ––– Wait!” 
 

Saerom rushed into the room and locked the door, so no one could come in. Her eyes darted immediately to the desk beside the closet, where Gyuri sat on the floor hunched over a pillow stained with tears.
 

“Please go away,” her voice cracked. “I don’t want you to see me like this. Just leave,”
 

“No.”
 

“I’m not crying because it’s true, you know,” she said between gasping breaths with a tone of feigned defiance and an undertone of defensiveness, “I’m just mad I’m related to jerks.”
 

“Listen… Hey,” As Saerom began to wipe Gyuri’s tears, more fell into her sleeve as she pried Gyuri from the pillow, she wiped more tears away with her other sleeve and scooted over across the carpet to face her more closely, their knees touched, and Gyuri’s breathing started to slow. Saerom folded her sleeve and started to wipe the snot off Gyuri’s swollen face.
 

“Hey,” Gyuri almost laughed, “Don’t do that…”

“Don’t let them make you feel like anything about that is wrong… Or, really, make you even welcome the extremely horrible insinuation that there’s anything wrong with you. Because honestly, that is the worst lie in the whole stinking universe, you know? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you! There should be something but there isn’t and it’s such a bummer honestly,” Saerom winked at her. Gyuri started to smile with her whole face, laugh, and crinkle her nose. “You snotty puppy!” As they giggled with increasing volume, the distance between them lessened more and more and there foreheads touched. As Gyuri laughed, she also began to cry again.
 

“What, no, no more crying!” Earnestly, Saerom didn’t want Gyuri to cry and be even sadder. But the tears could not stop falling down her cheeks and onto both their shirts.
 

“It’s just that, you’re also going to be away. I don’t know how to deal with that honestly.”
 

“Gyul,”
 

“I try not to think about it, but still. I won’t be able to see you and I’m so anxious. What if we never see each other again?”
 

“I don’t think we could ever go without seeing each other EVER again. Maybe like… 20 years?”
 

“Oh my god, shut up!” She half-whined, and lightly hit her shoulder. “Make it 50 years, you idiot.”
 

Saerom stares at her in silence for a few seconds, then widens her eyes and makes a dumb face, “Okay!”
 

They touch foreheads again and hold hands. Saerom cups both Gyuri’s face with both hands and stares her straight in the face. Somehow, between her weird outbursts and her inherent charm, there was a seriousness to the touch that betrayed her usual demeanor –– the kind that made it feel more intimate than usual.
 

“Is it desperate to say don’t leave?”
 

“You make it sound like I actually want to leave.”
 

“I… Saerom ––”
 

Somehow, the calmer girl, who usually would not be the calmer girl in more normal circumstances, held the crying girl’s hands in her own, locked her pinkies with hers, looked her dead in the eye, and moved closer to lock the pinky promise by joining both thumbs ––– inching even closer to kiss them, which took Gyuri slightly aback.
 

“I promise,” She reassured her, “I'll write, I’ll call, and I’ll see you again. Will you promise?”
 

“I promise too,” Gyuri freed their pinky fingers only to intertwine the rest. “We’ll always.. be friends.”
 

It had been a week since then, they’d been feeling around the moment for a while. Gyuri had been thinking about the last thing she said that night. We’ll always be… friends. There had been so much about it to slightly regret, the pause, the word friends. But they really were friends, were they not? Lately, things have been changing, moving too fast for them to keep up –– and she had to face it, Saerom really was leaving, and she had to get used to rewiring her whole life once again. It was the other girl who gave her confidence, taught her to be secure in who she was, and she didn’t want to say goodbye without telling her how she felt.
 

First, she had to sort out how she felt, but that wasn’t so simple. It had been tugging at her mind lately, the way her heart would beat faster when Saerom would hold her hand on the walk home,  how Gyuri had the impulse to hold their embrace a bit longer when they had to part. Somehow, it felt unfinished over the past few nights, like they were both aching to say something but weren’t brave enough, and every time she felt the pang in her heart and the need to linger, she would just push it away. Is this how wanting someone felt like?
 

Even if she wanted her, would Saerom be brave enough to want her back that way –– or to admit it?
 

Gyuri herself wasn’t dense, she was the opposite –– even at fourteen, she was quiet and observant, a listener, a thinker, an overthinker with the propensity to evaluate every action and word before her body betrayed her, and even Saerom had been acting a little weird. There would be moments where she stared a bit too long, held her a bit tighter, where she would stand at Gyuri’s doorstep longer, as if in wait.
 

She already missed her, and she hadn’t even left yet.
 

Now, she was on her lap, staring up at her with glassy eyes and an earnest smile.
 

“So what’s the book about?”
 

“I’m more than halfway through. I guess it’s about… second chances.”
 

“Hmm?”
 

"Reuniting lovers, that sort of thing…"
 

Saerom didn’t miss a beat or the chance to tease Gyuri.
 

“So… Like us in 20 years?” She smirked.
 

“Yah… Really…” 
 

The last thing Saerom said obviously flustered Gyuri, she put her open book face down on Saerom’s face before the latter swiped it away and started cackling. There was more truth to it then either of them cared to admit or dismiss. She felt her face heat up exponentially, making it hard to give any kind of response that wasn’t going to be embarrassing.
 

“Gyuri-ah… What do you want to do today?”
 

Nervous and fumbling, Gyuri looked around at the surrounding intersections that enclosed the small park, at all the apple trees, the endless rows of houses… then at Saerom’s bike, bright red, gleaming in the sun.
 

“I want you to teach me how to bike on my own.”
 

Saerom smiled brightly at Gyuri, stood up, brushed the grass off her shorts, and extended a hand to help her up. Gyuri didn’t realize that was what she wanted to do at all until she said it. Whenever she watched Saerom bike around the neighborhood, running errands for her parents, or just to feel the wind on her face as it blew through her hair, she knew that it was when she felt most free –– she looked weightless, as if the world turned to meet her at its axis. She wanted to feel that, she wanted to feel as free, she wanted to be brave.
 

“It’s about time! I’ve always wanted to bike with you, you know,” As they started to walk to the curb, Saerom grabbed the handles and motioned for Gyuri to sit on the leather seat. “When you learn, you’ll never forget.”
 

The smaller girl noticed that the taller girl turned into a big baby when she was scared ––– it irked her that for a girl that seemed so strong and independent, she was never really allowed to show who she really was to the world ––– a soft pulsing heart, with a cold exterior, but still, soft and warm when she let you in. At the moment, she was afraid to fall, wobbly, and softly screaming as if she were about to cry. Gyuri herself was a secret scaredy cat, but too stubborn to admit it. She never learned to bike herself, as her parents hardly had the time to teach her, and was too proud to have a teen-sized bike fitted with training wheels. Saerom chuckled to herself and wondered if she could let her grip loosen a bit to give her more room.
 

“Hey!!! Don’t let go! I’ll fall!”
 

“Okay, okay. I won’t.”
 

As Gyuri felt her balance tighten a bit more, she noticed her pedaling start to become smooth, she felt the pavement accommodate her easily. She was learning, or she had finally learned. Thank God there were no cars on the street, or else she would have panicked, but she was too happy to think about that.
 

“Saerom-ah! I know how, I know now…” She looked back, expecting the girl to still be holding her up, but she wasn’t there.
 

“You do!!!” Saerom screamed while walking beside her by the sidewalk. “You’re a big girl now!”
 

“You let go!?”
 

“You’re doing it, aren’t you?”
 

“Ah, how do you slow down?!”
 

“Use the break on the handle!”
 

Gyuri clumsily put her foot down and used the tip of her sneaker to rub against the asphalt to help her break, nearly hitting a parked car, before climbing off. Her heart raced and she felt her face slightly moisten with sweat. She didn’t go that far, but everything was exhilarating. She handed over the handles back to Saerom, as Saerom started to walk alongside Gyuri back to their street, holding the bike by the seat and handle.
 

“You did it! How does it feel?”
 

“It feels nice. For once, I feel brave.”
 

“See, there wasn’t anything to be afraid of! You didn’t even fall. I’m proud of you,” She smiled as she looked at the ground. “I’m so proud of you. Now… You don’t have to tell me to go to the store to get you something.” They both laughed. Then silence, comfortable silence.
 

“Hey…” Gyuri walked slowly and swung her feet as she also stared at the ground, before turning her head to face Saerom.
 

“Yeah?”
 

“I have something I need to tell you. You’re leaving tomorrow and…”
 

“And?” Saerom snapped a bit, reminded of doomsday, clearly slightly uncomfortable with the reminder. She stopped walking, nearing the cul de sac where their houses faced each other, and parked her bike by the curb, kicking the stand and holding it still. She turned to face Gyuri, stood straight, and stared straight at her with her full attention.
 

“I…”
 

I like you so much. I always have, I think I always will, even when you go.
 

“You?” The anticipation oozed out of Saerom’s face.
 

Why couldn’t she say it? The words were buried, bubbling in . What if Saerom found it repulsive, that her best friend liked her that way, that she was a girl, and all the time they spent together would be tainted with uncomfortably strong emotions she was too shy to face.  What if everything changed?
 

“I… I hope you know that you’ll always be a part of me… And that I…”
 

“SAEROM-AH!! It’s time to finish packing!! You still need to finish cleaning your room!” Saerom’s mom called from the kitchen window. 
 

Gyuri then felt the lump in dissipate. “You need to go,” She smiled, held back tears and shuffled her feet.
 

“Can you come in with me?”
 

Gyuri went up the porch and inside the house to see everything packed and ready for the movers to pick up. The house was empty. They ran up the stairs and Saerom hesitated as she opened the door, let Gyuri in, and locked it, which was strange, because she never locked her door.
 

Together, they put all their memories in boxes, and as Gyuri helped Saerom pack her childhood pictures, dance trophies, their little notes, she started to hear sniffling behind her. She felt the other girl creep closer and hold her from behind, hot tears soaking a spot into her shirt. 
 

“You’ll always be a part of me too.” She choked in between tears, tiptoeing before nuzzling into the taller girl’s neck. Gyuri, without missing a beat, while holding the smaller girl’s arms together and tighter around her body, dragged Saerom behind her while walking to her bedside table, turning the radio on, and setting it to CD player mode.
 

“Where’s the CD I got you for your birthday?”

“In the drawer… Why?”

“Found it.”

Gyuri closed the lid on the player, and a familiar saxophone line started to play. Saerom had been intent on learning English, even listening to western artists, and mentioned that she wanted this album in passing, and Gyuri had it mailed to Saerom’s house just in time for her birthday early this year. 

Stuck in my head, stuck in my heart, stuck in my body, body…

The taller girl parted the smaller girl’s arms, twirled herself to face her, and started to jump. 

This is the part, you've got to say all that you're feeling, feeling

Packing a bag, we're leaving tonight when everyone's sleeping, sleeping

Let's run away

I'll run away with you

She swung Saerom’s arms with her as they jumped to the beat, smiling as she wiped her tears away. The latter started to dance with her, as they jumped around the room, screaming the lyrics, even turning up the volume on the chorus –– 

Baby, take me to the feeling

I'll be your sinner, in secret

When the lights go out

Run away with me ––––

Baby, take me to the feeling

I'll be your hero and win it

When the lights go out

Run away with me

As they danced and cried, Saerom’s heart unmistakably felt lighter, dancing crazily, even taking turns to jump on the bed, they twirled and screamed and laughed, and as the song started to end, they panted, turned the radio/CD player off, sat on the floor and leaned on the bed. This was real life though, and the reality hit her once more that even if they wanted to run away, there was more out there for them. The future felt like it would tumble down on them any second, and yet, both of them stared at each other defiantly.

“Do you want to finish what you wanted to say?” Saerom spoke up, cutting the silence.

Gyuri held her gaze, thinking of what she’d been meaning to reveal to her, whether it would be worth it. The moment she expanded on that train of thought, whether it was worth it, it hit her.

Her hand shook, but moved to brush the hair off Saerom’s face, before cupping her cheek. Even though things couldn’t ever be the same, they would have this. She moved her face closer, enough to feel her breath, slow, but heavy, her lips parted, her eyelids started to lower before Gyuri pressed her forehead against Saerom’s and captured her soft mouth, pressing it against hers. Everything was slow, and began to speed up as her heartbeat raced. Again, their lips met, twice more, and they started to pry themselves apart, only staring. Gyuri then knelt in front of her, lifting her own body, and kissed Saerom on the forehead. 

“Don’t forget me. And pack the CDs okay?”

Gyuri closed the door behind her, running out more doors before reaching her own, plopping on her own bed. She touched , feeling her own lips as if they weren’t hers. She wanted to look out the window to see whether the other girl’s curtain was closed, but couldn’t move, or maybe the nerves got to her. How had she been so bold? How would she face her tomorrow? She daydreamed and felt her eyes start to tire. She knew she had to set an alarm for tomorrow morning to say goodbye, but she felt her arms go limp and her exhaustion cradle her into sleep.

The sunlight streamed onto her face and woke her into shock. She was supposed to wake up at 5 am. She heard a car start, and immediately ran into the driveway. There was no more time to change or brush her teeth, and as she ran she turned and saw Saerom’s SUV get smaller and smaller out of view. Panicking, she noticed Saerom’s red bike parked by her front yard with a note in the basket.

You’ll always be a part of me, you’ll always have a part of me with you. I won’t forget. 

~ Romsae ♡

PS. Call me every week! Don't forget. I'll email you my number when I get it


Whether it would be futile or not, she kicked the stand up as Saerom would always do, hopped onto the seat and started pedaling, hoping to catch her as she left. She pedaled harder and harder, tears streamed down her face as the car signaled to turn into the main road. 
 

“Saerom-ah!! Be good! Drink water! And don’t forget!”
 

She saw a familiar head look out the back window, as the car moved further away from view.

––––––

PRESENT DAY

––––––

How could Saerom concentrate on the test on her desk? Everything kept playing back in her head. She should have said something. Is that why Gyuri was so cold over the past year?

To be fair, she didn’t know what to expect. She didn’t know how to start a conversation like they used to, what more bring everything up. She couldn’t help but think that Gyuri chose to forget everything that happened between them over the the past few years. They were much older now, and on the precipice of youth. By this time next year, they would be in college. Gyuri would surely get into a top college, and Saerom had to figure out what she wanted to do with her life first. Of course she wanted to dance, but her parents wouldn’t be very happy about that, not while they still support her.

Everything was so difficult. Why couldn’t she be fourteen again? She tapped the pen onto the desk, putting it down, before it rolled onto the floor.

She knew she wasn’t supposed to look up, but up ahead, near the front, the way Gyuri’s hair flowed behind her and shined through rays of sunlight and the shadow of the window rows ahead distracted her.

She felt someone kick her table from the left.

“Pay attention.” The girl beside her, Hayoung, whispered.

“Sorry, sorry. What?” 

“Pay. Attention. You haven’t written anything.” 

“Is there anything important that the two of you want to discuss in front?” Their history teacher, Miss Im’s voice boomed as she impatiently stood from the desk in front of the blackboard. All heads turned to face the two –– Saerom, who couldn’t hide their embarrassment, and Hayoung who tried to keep herself composed.

“Ah…” Saerom struggled to say anything.

“Sorry Ms. Im –– I just told Ms. Lee that her pencil was on the floor and she didn’t hear me so I had to call her attention.”

“Ms. Lee, be more mindful. Ms. Song, don’t speak in the middle of a test, if you both don’t want to end up in detention next time. This is a warning.”

“Yes ma’am.” They both said in unison as Hayoung glared at Saerom as if to remind her it was her fault.

Saerom couldn’t help but notice that Gyuri took longer to look away, concern in her eyes, before she turned around with a bit of force, her long flowy hair catching up with her.

Time couldn’t pass by any slower. She wasn’t normally impatient, but felt a wave of inadequacy wash over her, like nothing was panning out the way she wished and like she could do nothing right. She answered what she could, marked the rest randomly, and rushed to finish before the bell rang. Time sped through Physics, Economics, as all the other lectures were dreary and the school day was starting to end.

Spacing out at their adviser’s reminders during the closing Homeroom period, she watched as Gyuri moved to get her sports bag under her desk as the final bell rang before football practice. She wanted to speak to her before she left but had nothing to say. As she watched Gyuri walk away and open the door, she felt the need to run out after her and explain herself, explain the crossword, and ask all the questions she’d buried in her heart. The moment she stood up to do so, she saw a familiar body blocking her. It was Hayoung.

“Please don’t do that again. Get your head out of the clouds.”

“I need to ––“

“Gosh, when someone is looking out for you, would it hurt you to say thank you?”

“Oh… Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She noticed that Hayoung was carrying her own sports bag as well. She almost forgot that Hayoung was the captain of the cheerleading team. As she began to walk away, she couldn’t help but feel even sorrier that she had to cover for her when she was being an airhead. She wouldn’t call the girl friendly at all, but she did lend her notes from time to time, and she didn’t even have to make an excuse for her in front of Ms. Im, but she did anyway. She wished she had her together like Hayoung did –– the girl was practically perfect.

The sun was almost about to set as Saerom walked to the bike racks, which were across the football field. Her mom couldn’t pick her up today and had new hours, so she had to buy a new bike for the new school year. She looked out into the field and watched as Gyuri and the rest of the football team ran laps and did warm ups, eventually walking along the edge to get to the other side.

Unlocking her new, navy folding bike, she noticed a familiar red bike parked and locked at the end of the row. Was that her old bike? Why was it there? Wait…
 

Had Gyuri been using it this whole time?
 

She didn’t want to look weird staring at the rest of the bikes, so she climbed her bike, put on her helmet, and started to pedal away. Ever since they moved back into their old house, she didn’t have to bear with such a cold commute. It was a new year, and Spring was around. The sun was about to set. The wind was on her face, and with her palms on the handles, she felt like she was in control again, even if it wasn’t so true with her own life.
 

There was much to think about –– this afternoon, the bike, old memories, the future…
 

Don’t forget me.
 

She took one last look at the field as she left to see someone staring back at her.