I’m sorry. We sorry. We hope it’s not too late. We have always been loving you the way you are. Cliche? It is. Embarrassed? Too ourselves? Yes. We always thought the smile are the most beautiful we ever seen. Never cross our mind that it will be… almost the last.

********************************************

I can heard it. The tossing. The small muttered. He thought we never know he had sleeping problem again. Why again? Because the last time he in his sleep deprived, we all come in to help him. Never once we complained because we love him so damn much.

‘Please leave him alone, insomnia. He need to sleep, my dear poor beloved hyung.’ thought him. Without realizing myself, I let out a whine. Stupid me! Now he’s stop moving. 

No hyung. It’s not you. It’s for the damn insomnia who disturbing you. I know you will think negatively now. 

Few minutes after he went silent, I heard the small step, too careful to my liking. Why you care so much if you disturbing us? We didn’t mind the small step because it’s bring us a hope that you willing to step in this life for us. The door. Just shut it like you always did in the daytime.

After 15 minutes outside which I assume he went to get his last hope like usual, he come back. For girrafesake please don’t mind us and walk with your feet not with your heart.

I peeking through my blanket to see you, clenching your eyes so hard, I’m afraid it will torn up. An hour later I heard it, thank Giraffe. A snore. That soft snore, people doesn’t know it become a music in my ears because the lacking of it’s existent.

The morning come too soon. Damn you sun, back off for a while can you? He awake. Oh his puffy eyes. No. Please let him sleep more. My poor poor hyung.

After he sit straight up, rubbing his tired eyes, I try to make him at least talk to me.

“Hyung? Are you okay?” why no his not. Look at the swollen eyes and tell me he’s okay, I dare you.

“i’m okay, why you ask, Wookie? Are sleep well last night?” why he have to be nice and care for me instead of take a look in the mirror to realize his own condition. I know this not gonna be the talk for now.

“I’m never been fresher, hyung! I’ll go make breakfast first, once I’m done I’ll call you. Sleep a little more. It’s still early!” I said and make my way into the kitchen, can’t bare my tears that threaten to fall out. But it did and gladly in the kitchen. 

“Wookie-ah…” I know that voice. “Leeteuk-hyung… he… poor him.” I said, Leeteuk-hyung pulled me into his comfort and let me cried my heart out, thinking for my poor hyung. 

Yes, we all know his struggle. But we waiting. Waiting till the day he will open up his heart to us. And till that day come, we will do anything to make him smile again.

***************************************************

I hate this. Why this become tradition? Can’t you see my fragile hyung are broken even more? What favoritism when people blinded by outside and left the inside to die? I tried my best to say my honest thought. His smile was indeed beautiful today. But only idiots can’t see the his tiny heart shattered more.

He smile at my compliment. I saddened by that. Why? Because it’s fake. He hate this meeting so much. I can read him like a book. We torment him so much that it’s easy to see the hurt in his eyes. 

Why won’t you cheers on him just now! He need it’s. without him, I won’t even be the Siwon I am today. Without him you won’t even become the E.L.F you are now. Sorry to be rude it’s my fragile looking hyung that you hurt.

“Now let’s go home!” I tried to cheer him again but his heart are too far to be reach at the moment.

***********************************************

Tonight we will execute the plan. He won’t know it because we distracted him before and take him into the dorm 12 for to catch a bug as an excuse while we set it up. The live camera. The voice recorder. Wookie done great on his part.

There’s the look. I hate it.I detest it. His soul practically left his body. His tiny body with a big heart. But oh how it’s hurting us to see him looking empty when we eagerly surrounding him in this tiny living room just he know, we are here.

I saw it, Shindong trying to give him a source of comfort, he look turn soft but he didn’t realize Donghae who literally sitting between his leg on the floor sobbing. Eunhyuk trying to calm the naive one who so taken by the poor tormented soul who has been his favorite hyung all this time. While me, the leader? I’m useless.

After a few hours, he excuse himself. We wait for a few minute and went up to the dorm 12, the kids who resides in this dorm acting like they were entering their own room but they literally open and close the door to follow us to the dorm 12.

Wookie already in there and already look at the screen. We use the television as a screen from the live camera. We breach a privacy yes. But we are too worry.

Sobbing and sniffling were filling the living room. We watch it. Step by step. From the moment he daze off, looking nowhere to the point he muttered something but loud enough, thanks to the live voice recorder position. 

“Good job…. Heart” we cried. Literally squealing. Even the thought heart diva were whimpering mess.

“Thank you for keep beating for this stupid.” 

Donghae were practically hysterical, forcing us to muffled his sound, afraid it will reach to the bottom floor.

We saw how he went to grab the laptop. Cry again, possibly stupid antis again. How insecure you can be to the point you torture our soul with stupid people who doesn’t deserve you attention?

We saw how you literally too weak to keep sitting and letting yourself dwell into darkness. You fell asleep. We glad. But not. Because you are too tired. This world are too much for you. Too much for my poor Kim Jongwoon.

*************************************************

We empty his schedule. We want him to get rested well. You were all sweet at breakfast. You didn’t know but we were all gathering upstairs. To keep in check with your one day life alone.

It’s dark. Too dark for our liking. The room are too ark to capture any movement. We know you hate being in dark. This is too strange.

“hyung? Can I go to him?” said Ryeowook. Poor wokie his voice are too hoarse. Who wouldn’t? he, Donghae and Eunhyuk practically hysterical last night.

Being the most awkward one with Yesung-hyung still make me cry hard last night. 

“No. Let’s wait a little okay? He might be sleeping and we don’t want to disturb him, right?” said Leeteuk-hyung, ruffling the ertenal maknae to sooth him down.

We heard it. 

“you chose this. You choose to be alone.”

“What was that?” said Shindong. We all heard it. He muttering, alone. He’s not in his right state anymore. I wanna go hug him now… I’m, the awkward Sungmin want to hug our beloved lead vocal.

“Shush, he speaks again!” shouts the maknae looking all irritated.

“but I need someone…?”

Ah there’s goes my wall. Broken again my our beloved. I cried. Harder than that one time when my goldfish die. No. It was incomparable. It was worst. My heart are clenching so tight.

“Hyung… please… he’s talking by himself now.. let us go.” plead Siwon. Even the toughest man here pleading an begging, ignoring his visual now.

“we… we have… to wait a little…” said Heechul. He must have thinking a way to approach his favorite dongseng. They at least to each other than me to him.

“Someone please…”

“That’s it! I’ll go there!” said Siwon but blocked by Shindong who too had tears in his eyes.

“Give him more time, please. He will lost our trust…” plead Shindong. That’s new. This whole deal must have change his heart.

“Why you here…. is it time? Can I write a letter first? I can?”

Only God knows how shocked we were at that time. Is he talking to someone? That’s impossible. We didn’t heard a door opened from the moment we turn on the camera…

The light on his desk were open up. We cam only see the back of his head.

10 minutes past. He keep doing something that out of our sight. But then I saw it. Something shiny on the table beside his hand.

“Hyung… is that…”

“What?” ask Heechul.

“Hyung!!! it’s knife!!! remember why Wookie as one of the knife that wen missing this breakfast!?” I shouts on top of my lungs.

All now stand in horror.

“Sh*ts! Let’s go!!”
***************************************

Here we are, running down the stairs. Lucky Siwon with his stamina, reaching first at the dorm. Although I’m bulk too but the weight slow me down. 

“Kangin-hyung, faster!” shouts Eunhyuk who got blocked behind me.

“I’m trying. Open the door fast!” I shouts. When Siwon manage to reach to his room first, he shouts so loud that send our heart to the worst thinking. Is he done it? Oh no….Jongwoon-ah.

**********************************************

“by-- bye everyone… sorry for existing….”
I was about to cut it… but I don’t have the courage. All of sudden my room door were literally kicked down, send it open wide.

“Si…Siwon?”

“Yaaaaahhh!!!” shouts him while taking the knife and throw it far away.

I was too groggily to think fast but after that I found myself in his warm embrace.

“Si…Si.. won…” I can’t keep the strong facade anymore. The light were beamedd throughout the room. All were here.. all?

‘Plak!’

“Awww, hyung! What was that for!?” Siwon shouts, letting go of me while another person embrace me.

“I thought something bad happen when you shouts okay.” Kangin sounds so mad. I didn’t know who hug me that time, after the person let go of me, another person hug me.

I was confused. But I need it. I never realize I need it… cry. That’s all I know. I was too weak all this time. I was too giving in my stupid self esteem. I heard all the word I’ve been waiting all this time..

“You are not alone.”

“hyung love you so much”

“Don’t leave us”

“stupid hyung, I’ll exorcise you if you become a ghost.”

I laugh. Genuinely, after months of depression. I laugh. They were startle. I know that.

“Thanks…. thank you so much…. tha--” I didn’t finish my word. Pretty sure I’m pass out but at least…

Yes at least, I will woke up to their smiles this time. To hell with insecurity. I have much more important to do. No. To have.

A family.

A saviour

Okay I'm so sleep deprived and the ending but our Yesungie got his happy end. I hate angsty...  I'm swear I'm not masochist okay. I just challenge myself. Bye! Don't forget to stream the Otra Vez and support our babies! Pretty sure I'm gonna miss the timing but do it for me okay!!!