Yixing watched the world move outside of the airplane’s window, gliding above the purple clouds of the night. The lights in the city below seemed so small from such a grand height, giving him a taste of how small he really was in the the world.

When the plane landed, and he was escorted out to the airport and to the car to go to the hotel, it felt like everything was spinning around him too fast and too frequently. His ears felt like they were full of water, like he was submerged in a pool, and his eyes felt weak to the bright lights on the street. He wanted to sleep, to drown in the clean sheets of a hotel room, and he couldn't wait much longer.

 

Yixing let out a loud sigh when his back finally met with the mattress, his body bouncing once or twice before he finally sank into the firm bed. The white ceiling swirled above his head, and the silence of the room slowly morphed into a ringing in each of his ears.

It was incredibly unhealthy for him to fixate so much on another person, especially when that person was no longer his.

 

It came as a quiet voice over the phone one night, after an hour of silence. It came as tears immediately rushing down cold cheeks and a broken sob caught in his voice. “Maybe we should have time to be away from each other. To think.”

They had more than enough time away from each other. Yixing couldn't remember the last they had kissed or touched.

“Maybe we were right about the long distance not working. I don't know.”

“You want to break up?” Yixing questioned after a moment of silence, the nail of his thumb tucked between his teeth and his body shaking.

“I don't know, Yixing,” the other whispered. “I don't know.”

 

Yifan hadn't made any contact since that conversation, and it hurt . Yixing could only throw himself into work and hope music would make him forget about the man he had given his heart to, but nothing could stop him from thinking about Yifan. Yixing read his lyrics in Yifan’s voice; he imagined the elder’s fingers entwining with his own when he tried to play his instruments. Yifan surrounded him at all times, and Yixing had no idea where in the world the other man was.

 

Yifan would kiss him awake on his birthday when they were together with their group, sleeping in a crowded dorm. Yixing would open his eyes and see his smiling face hovering above his, and the younger would wrap his arms around Yifan’s neck and pull him back to kiss again and again.

When they were apart, Yifan would text him right at midnight with messages of love and birthday wishes. They were text back and forth until they had to get to work, and even then, they would sneak their phones into their laps to send one last message.

Sometimes, Yifan would come to Yixing’s hotel, and kiss him until neither of them could breathe. Their skin would brush and touch until the sun came up, and even then, the kisses wouldn't stop.

All Yixing wanted was a simple text wishing him a good day.

 

+

 

Yixing jumped with a gasp when his phone vibrated, the sound traveling through the bed and echoing right in his ear. He slapped his hand around the bed until he found the device, the screen blinding him in the pitch black room.

 

From: Wu Yifan

Happy birthday. Have a good one.

 

Yixing glanced at the timestamp on the message. 12:00 AM.

He couldn't stop the tears if he tried to.

 

To: Wu Yifan

I miss you so much. I don't want to be alone anymore. I've been with you for over a decade and I don't know how to function without you. Please, please come back to me.

 

He wasn't going to send such a message; he just wanted to get out his thoughts. He hated the way he sounded.

Of course, he was crushed when he accidentally pressed ‘send’ instead of ‘delete’. His heart was beating out of his chest. His throat felt like it would close up and choke him at any minute. It was all over. He was done for.

 

From: Wu Yifan

I wish I could be with you.

 

From: Wu Yifan

I just landed in LA. Where are you?

 

From: Wu Yifan

If I was in China and you asked me to come, I would drop everything for you.

 

Yixing couldn’t even smile through his tears. He couldn't see through the drops of the saline fluid, as they dripped onto his phone screen. He could only manage to call Yifan’s number and hold the phone to his ear, no matter how shaky his hand was.

“Yixing,” Yifan’s voice came in clear, though he was whispering. “I can't really talk right now. I'm almost home, maybe–”

“I miss you, Yifan. I miss you so much,” Yixing sobbed into the phone. “All I wanted was for you to talk to me again, and, and–”

“Baby, take a breath,” Yifan said softly, his whisper less of him hiding his words and more to comfort the crying man. “I'm here now.”

 

They stayed on the phone for hours, talking about what had happened in the previous months. Yifan announced he was incredibly excited for Yixing’s new album, and that he had listened to the first single the day before. “I cried when I listened to it, Yixing,” he admitted. “Your voice is so beautiful. I'm so proud of you.”

“Is that why you cried?” Yixing asked softly.

“You wrote it about me, didn't you?”

Yixing was silent, biting his lip. “Yes,” he said after a moment. “I missed you too much. And, and I was angry. I just wanted you back.”

“You have me back now, Yixing. I don't think either of us want to be away anymore. We're supposed to be together.”

“I love you, Yifan,” Yixing whispered.

Yifan had a clear smile in his voice when he spoke, and Yixing knew it was there, as he had heard that voice thousands of times before. “I love you too, Yixing. Happy birthday.”