End of June

“Jungkook?”

I see a man with very familiar face sit in the lobby of my office. He sits quietly with full concentration to his phone. He lifts his head upon hearing my voice and gives me his shy smile. He stands and walks to my direction.

“Hmm... I know why Yerim always refuses our blind dates proposal” says one of my colleagues who suddenly stands behind me.

“Ah, it’s not like that” I defend myself that barely gives any effect.

“You hide your handsome boyfriend from us for all this time?” ask Aeri who looks at me mischievously. She knows who Jungkook is, but she always teases me every time I share a story of him. She meets Jungkook months ago when she gives me a visit on Sunday morning, the day which is coincidentally falls on Jungkook’s last holiday when serving in military.

I open my mouth to answer but my colleagues’ attention has already directed to Jungkook. He flashes them polite smile then bow to the others.

“So, who is this lucky man?”

“Hi, I’m Jeon Jungkook. If it’s okay for you all, I will take Yerim first since we are late for our dinner appointment’ he answers which makes my colleagues squeal. He must be out of his mind to play along with these people.

“Take her please. But do not forget to return her tomorrow, I need her for new project’s presentation”

“I will let her have a good rest tonight”

The females scream hearing Jungkook’s answer. I punch his stomach and only earns a grin from him. My face feels heated when I crash to the solid abs. I never can be used to this Jungkook when I have known him since a baby and always think of him as younger brother.

“So, see you ladies” he says before wraps his hand to my waist. I wave to my friends while walking outside.

“Kookie, why did you answer them like that?” ask me when I finally sit in the restaurant. He gives me the menu book and set the utensil while chuckling. He, apparently, loves to see me embarrassed. He once said it’s nice to see the faint pink tint on my cheeks.

Jungkook and Jeon family have been my neighbor since I was a kid, so we are close like blood-related family. I’m the oldest out of the children from both families, then followed by oldest son of Jeon. My sister and Jungkook are in the same age. We are quite close since we don’t have many years gap but eventually drifting apart when we have our own business.

A year ago, my family moved nearer to the city while the Jeon stayed in our neighborhood. We still manage to meet at each other house sometimes, but I often miss the gathering than I intend to because of work. And it makes us drift apart somehow.

But Jungkook is different. He calls me often, sometimes it feels like he is my real blood-related brother. Even he is used to spend his call benefit in military for me. I still remember his sudden decision of military enlistment after graduate from high school has shocked everyone including his brother who hasn’t going yet. He still manages to keep us close.

“Your friends are so funny, Noona” he says, making me shake my head.

“And why they seem obsessing to get you a boyfriend? I don’t think any man will pass my standard”

“Your standard?” I ask while raising my eyebrow.

“Yes, my standard. He should beat me in every aspect I’m good of”

My mouth is hanging open hearing his answer. Where will I find a man as perfect as him? Jungkook is tall, handsome, good at sport and arts. He sends me some voice notes of him singing and it helps me to sleep. He makes a video of our family weekend getaway like a short movie. Once he learns something, he masters it in no time.

“Hh… I will be single forever then”

He laughs and calls the waiter to get our orders. I sit lifelessly, looking at his excited face. He say thank you after he is done and back to give his attention to me. He puts small box in front of me and tells me to open it by his eyes. I narrow my eyes to him, questioning his intention. He laughs again and encourages me to open the box once again. My eyes widen to see a pair of beautiful earrings similar to his but in more feminine design.

“Happy birthday, Noona. I know it’s early but I’m afraid I can’t come on your day. I always pray for your happiness”

And somehow, I think that being single forever is not bad if I can have Jungkook beside me all the time.

1^st of September

I come to my parent’s home on the weekend to find everyone being so neat unlike the usual. I always see my father and mother watch the variety show leisurely on Saturday night, while my sister is busy preparing herself for a date with her boyfriend. My father is not using his dress pants but tidy enough to know that they are going somewhere. I frown and try to remember any event today until my sister stands before me.

“Jeon family invites us over for dinner tonight. I believe you haven’t read the messages, have you?”

I flash her guilty smile. I can’t take out my phone in the packed subway. Having a handle to help me standing is tough already.

“Put some perfume then we’re good to go” she says while making gesture that I’m stink.

I check my phone and see the notification on the messenger app. It turns out to be the youngest Jeon’s birthday today. I palm my face to let myself forgetting this important day and don’t bring anything to his house. Jungkook will make me own him a big favor.

Coming to Jeon’s house always brings back happy memories on my childhood. This house has become my second home. The parents always welcome me and my sister and take us as their own since they don’t have daughter, vice versa for my parents.

I stand in the back and let my family to greet the host first while I’m taking a second look to the house. Aunty Jeon is growing more small plants in front of the house, making me sure that she will give some for my mother later.

“You’re coming, Noona” said someone behind me. I turn my body to see the birthday boy smiling. Maybe I shouldn’t call him boy anymore since he becomes a man already. His figure screams grown-up man with his broad shoulder and muscles here and there but his innocent face tells another story. He is the same Jungkook I know years ago. Even though I meet him sometimes, he looks different tonight.

“I shouldn’t miss your birthday dinner, should I?”

He chuckles and stands beside me, making me looks smaller compared to him. He puts his hand to my lower back and pushes me to step forward nearing his mother.

“Where have you been?” I ask, wondering why he comes late while our presence here is for him.

“I’m back from being adult” he answers shortly with playful smile. I don’t get his joke and think about it for a while. But before I can ask him further, I arrive in front of his mother.

“Yerim, it’s good to see you” Aunty Jeon hugs me tight. She nags me because I haven’t come for ages. Being in the team that obviously lacks member makes me work very hard. I, sometimes, don’t get any break in weekend when it gets very busy. I know they understand and worry for me at the same time, but they also can help to throw their complaints to me for my own good.

“Mom, she is just coming after God knows when. Don’t make her regret it now” says Jungkook. I can hear his tease in every word he says. Aunty Jeon glares his son but eventually rushes me to come in.

“The earrings look good on you” he whispers on my ear before we step inside the house. I don’t take compliment easily and I’m sure my face is suddenly turns red. Jungkook is no longer a boy to do thing like this.

We’re lucky the night is clear while we have the dinner at the backyard terrace. I spot the old swing in the corner of the yard and remember how we always fight for it. I love to spend my time there while the other kids are napping back then. But Jungkook will always find me missing and sleep upon my lap on the swing.

“I’m so sorry for coming late” said Junghyun as he comes in. He spreads a wide smile resembled to his brother.

“Oh, the busy noona is here today? Is it the power of Jungkook’s birthday?” he teases me while patting his brother shoulder. The younger man gives shy smile.

“If everyone teases me like this, I think I’ve been missing too long already. I will try to come as often I can then”

“Don’t bother him, Yerim. He is the one who barely come home since move to Seoul” said Aunty Jeon after Junghyun sit and smack his arm. I just laugh it off.

The others are busy in catching up in the living room while I walk alone following the small garden light to the swing. I sit and close my eyes for a while, releasing the exhausted feeling I get for the entire week. I sigh deeply and comfort myself until feeling sleepy and not aware that someone joins me in the silence. He lets out a cough, announcing his presence in front of me.

“Jungkook” I said. He smiles and points on the empty spot next to me. I only nod and let him take a sit beside me. His cologne fills my lungs when I take a breath. His scent is surprisingly calming, making the sleepy feeling comes to me once again.

“You can lean on me and get some rest, Noona”

I look at him and notice how he becomes more mature and handsome after two months not seeing each other. I bet he has a girlfriend now because his aura becomes different.

“You’re doing well?” I ask while taking the detail of his face. His jaw is sharper than I remember, his cheeks are thinner. I hold myself to not suddenly touch them.

“Hmm, I barely pass the interview to be intern in my dream company and start next week. I still can give you piggy back to living room if you really pass out here. And I’m kind of missing you?” he answers while looking at me. I give him a light slap on his arm and rest my head on his shoulder that he is purposely lowered. We both lean back to the swings and looking up to the sky.

“Then how about… girlfriend?”

His palm is open as if waiting for my palm to play with. I sometimes wonder if we were this close before. I don’t remember exactly how it happened but Jungkook always makes time to meet me on his spare time. I’ve just got a job that time and surprised to see him waiting for me in front of my office during his serving days. I think I have a hard time to see him as a brother since that day without myself knowing.

“What about girlfriend?”

“Do you get yourself one?”

“Should I?”

I close my eyes and think about his question. He should get a girlfriend, shouldn’t he? Why don’t I answer the simple question easily? Jungkook takes my hand and puts it on his. He entangles his fingers around mine.

“Don’t you want to have someone beside you to share everything with?”

“I think I have one already but I’m not sure if she’s thinking the same”

My breath hitches and stops for a while. I think he can feel me stiffen since he tightens his grip on me.

“Have you… have you ask her out?”

“Mm, I haven’t. I don’t think she sees me as a man yet but I will try”

I don’t think my brain is functioning well because I suddenly forget to breathe. Why I feel like want to throw up imagining him with another girl while I’m the one who bringing up the topic?

“But will you be okay if I have a girlfriend?” he whispers slowly. I can feel his head moving and traps my head into his shoulder. I hesitate to answer so I choose to keep silent.

“Yerim” he calls my name softly. I always thought it’s a slip up but it happens often lately so I’m not so sure now.

“I don’t know Kookie”

6^th of September

Jungkook hasn’t contact me after the dinner for 5 days straight and I begin to worry. I don’t think I feel this way before but I’m too afraid to not hear anything from him now. I steal a glance as often as I can but find nothing. I decide to send him a message on lunch, just checking up on him in case he’s sick or something.

Kook, are you alive?

Sent

Rest of the day goes blurry since I have many tasks to do from my manager. I haven’t checked my phone until time to off from work. I wave at my coworker who works late today and go to subway quickly. I don’t have much energy to spend so I choose the fastest route to home. My mind wanders to Jungkook while I set my eyes to the line of lights outside the bus. Why do I feel empty these days? I’m always fine to not having company yet 5 days without words from Jungkook makes me feel like this.

I lean my head on the elevator wall, feeling drained. I should make dinner as soon as I arrive on my apartment to recharge. Filled tummy will help me sleep well, I hope. I stun after a step outside the elevator when I find Jungkook stands in front of my door. He looks nothing like the hoodie boy I know with white shirt and black dress pants. He looks tired while his phone reattached to his ear.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, still in lost to see Jungkook out of nowhere.

“Noona, I call you hundred times”

His voice breaks my blank state and helps me to move. He straightens his posture and gives his hand to my direction. I walk slowly and he patiently waits for me to reach him. I take his hand and look at him.

“I bring ice cream for you” he says and lifts his other hand to show me, but my eyes are still on him.

“Are you okay, Noona?”

His eyes now fill with worry to see no response out of my mouth. He closes the gap and whispers.

“Are you mad at me?”

I can talk, I can answer his question. But I don’t want to. I don’t believe on myself to answering him now. At this point I should accept the fact that I have fallen to the boy that I label brother for years.

 “I’m sorry Yerim, please talk to me, yeah?”

I hug him and bury my face on his chest. I murmur softly, to scared to be heard but enough for myself to finally admit it.

“I miss you”

I still feel embarrassed for hugging him and saying that I miss him when we enter my place. He knows my place well and gets himself and me a glass of water after puts the ice cream in the refrigerator. I scold myself inside my head many times until Jungkook clearing his throat before speaking. It’s not like the first time I say those words but I think we are both aware that something’s changed. The words feel heavier than usual.

“I don’t know being intern will be that busy”

“Nah, it’s okay, I’m just worried”

“How’s work this week? Is it getting better?” I caught a hope to melt the tension in his voice. I sigh loudly before let my body relaxing on the sofa.

“It worsen, I skip two lunches just to finish the work before deadline”

Jungkook face hardens and I realize I say something wrong. When I was in college, I have taken a bed rest for skipping a meal three days  in a row and now I’m about to repeat the history.

“I’m stacking snacks on my desk Jungkook, I still eat even it’s not a meal”

“Can you not doing that again? I don’t want you to get sick”

I nod to his request. This is a normal conversation of me and Jungkook but something’s feel weird. Maybe I’m attracted to this guy more than I thought before. I tilt my head to his direction and find him looking at me.

“Pizza for dinner?” he just smiles and nods before calling the pizza restaurant.

Being comfortable with Jungkook means arms and legs are entangled while we are eating and watching a movie. Sometimes I think we are both aware that we’re crossing the line of being best friends or brother-sister because we are not really related by blood. But we also don’t want what we are having now changed. Lately, I just think maybe we should give each other some space but in reality I can’t stand to be in the dark without his presence. I am depended on him more than I realize. And with some ego, I want to keep him for myself.

“Kook”

“Hm?”

“I don’t think I will be okay” I say while hiding my face to his arms.

“What do you mean?”

“I won’t be okay if you have girlfriend”

I hide further to the fabric of his clothes without worrying my make up will stain his white shirt. I can dry-clean it later since I don’t have much bravery to say this to his face. He doesn’t say anything for a second that makes me panics. I shouldn’t tell him this, not now.

“Why?”

This time I really take my time to answer. I’m preparing my heart to take whatever response Jungkook give me after hearing the answer.

“I hate the idea to share you with anyone”

“Share me?”

“I mean… I know I don’t own you, you’re like brother to me or at least I thought you are but I need you more than that”

“Do you love me?”

“I don’t know… I think I love you?”

“You think…”

I’m not sure why but tears are prickling my eyes. I don’t want him to know that his answers somehow break me. I detach myself from him and stand up abruptly. I am a coward yet I’m older than him for years. I’m not wise to feel hurt by his response while I’m the one who confess out of blue. I’m not ready to get rejection from him while I’m aware it is one-sided love.

“I’m going to clean myself and off to bed. You can go if you’re done with the pizza” I say to him without looking. He still says nothing.

“You can forget what I’m saying just now, Jungkook.”

He grabs my hand to keep me from leaving. I don’t want him to see me crying because of my own foolishness.

“If you don’t want to share me with others, why don’t you own me as yours?” he asks softly. I’m not sure is he really asking me or mocking me. I can’t read any emotion in his voice.

“Do you know how long I try to get your attention as a man and not little brother who follows you around?”

His next sentence lets me know that his previous one is a real question. He stands up and hugs me from behind. He circles his left hand on my waist and his right on my shoulder. His chin rests on the top of my head. He is trapping me and throwing away the possibility of running.

“You can’t just go after you say you think you love me” he says. And now I feel him smiling while saying those words. Being usual him, he is strongly holding himself to tease me.

“I thought having you seeing me as a man is enough for me, but I was wrong”

“Jungkook”

“I’m not satisfied to be just a man, I want to be your man. I want to make you happy, as you make me”

He loosens his hug and spins me to face him. I still feel the tears streak on my cheek.

“You can scold me, punch me, anything when you mad at me but don’t cry”

“You fool”

“Oh yeah, you can curse me too”

We both laugh at our silliness. He hugs me again, making me feel so secure in his arms, like always.

“And now, let me kiss my princess”

I’m shaking my head as refusal but he is closing the distance very fast. Next thing I remember is his soft lips taking my breath away for the longest time I’ve never thought I can handle.

31^st of December

“Are you ready?” I ask Jungkook who looks pale when we arrive at my parents’ house.

After we get together, we meet regularly on weekends. We haven’t told our families yet and even when we come to our monthly dinner night together. They seems not noticing our relationship since nothing really changes between me and Jungkook. Well, at least in front of them we are still the loving brother and sister. Before official, we are already touchy so after that night, Jungkook is unstoppable for any kind of skinship behind the door of his place or mine.

“What if your father doesn’t like me as her daughter’s boyfriend?”

“Should we do this again?”

He nods. He is just being the real him as the youngest and it’s cute.

“You’re practically his son, why won’t he like you?”

“It’s different you know. Hhhh, don’t ever mentioned about our overnights anytime soon”

I laugh this time. He is totally scared of my father’s response like committing some deadly serious crimes.

“Why? So don’t want to run another 50 laps like you do on high school?”

I remember Jungkook was punished by my father for skipping school with his close friends back then. He and all his friends were almost fainted after finishing the punishment. But right after that,  my dad fulfilled their stomach with meat.

“Ugh… You have to hold my hands whatever that happens inside”

“Okay, okay”

He lets out a loud sigh an nods repeatedly. “Let’s go”

Jungkook keeps glance at me every minutes. He looks so miserable with his worry while our families are enjoying the dinner. Since Junghyun and my sister, Harim bring their partner tonight, I can understand what’s going on in Jungkook’s head.

“So, when will you introduce your boyfriend to us, Noona?” say Junghyun. I smile widely when Jungkook coughs hearing his brother question. I pat his back slowly while he is reaching his drink.

“I really want to introduce him to you all just like what Junghyun and Harim do tonight but…” I don’t continue my sentence and look at Jungkook who sits beside me.

“Does Jungkook ban you from dating? Does he scare any man that attracted to you just like before?” ask Junghyun again. I shake my head while laughing with others. Jungkook hisses and grits his teeth.

“I am dating Yerim Noona”

“Right, you are dating… what?!” It’s Junghyun turns to coughing now. His fiancée gives him a glass of water to calm him down.

“Is it serious?” ask my mother and I nod to her question.

“See, Mom? I told you right, there’s something going on between these two” says Harim and Aunty Jeon. Seems like they are gossiping us when we are away.

“So it’s official now that Yerim will be my daughter” says Uncle Jeon that makes everyone laughing. Jungkook steal a glance to my father in fear of being yelled or so he thought but nothing happened. My father looks happy and it brings color to Jungkook’s face.

“What it is? Am I the only one who didn’t expect this?” ask Junghyun. Jungkook palms his face.

“So, Mom, Dad, will it be okay if I’m getting married earlier than Onni?” Harim asks while holding her boyfriend’s hand tight. And I just realize that she is wearing a beautiful ring on her ring finger.

“If it’s okay for your sister”

Now everyone looks at me.

“While I am waiting for Jungkook to ask me from Dad, I think I’m ready to be bridesmaid”

“Noona…” Jungkook whispers in defeat. My sister shouts ‘thank you’ and hugs her man. I look at Jungkook and feel the euphoria taking over me.

“Thank you” I say before holding his hand and drowning in happiness for the rest of the nights.