It's the summer of 2007 when he realized that this is the path for him - the path of glory. The path that will lead him to his dreams. It’s difficult to think straight back then, trapped in a 17 year old’s lanky body; an exhausted, lanky body that’s handled more challenges than he could have ever imagined.

Life is funny that way, really. Serious thoughts of what the future beholds and what our older selves will be doing comes at the oddest time. He can only chuckle to himself, hiding a rather toothy grin behind a mop of dark hair.

The practice room is occupied today, full of busy trainees chatting and going about their usual business. He’s alone in one corner, arms trembling from exhaustion with sweat running down his forehead. Ten minutes, they said, shooting him a stern look and promptly ignoring the mess of his hair and the clenched limbs of his body threatening to give away at any moment. He’s a few notches closer to feeling like trash.

There’s nothing he can do about the current situation, to be honest. He chose this over the future his parents are willing to give him. He picked this and argued with them while biting back tears and keeping his tone even, hiding the intense backlash of emotions within him. Lately, they’re trying to be supportive, his parents. They visit him a few times a month and leave him some food in the dorm. Despite all that effort, he can see the strain in their smiles, the lackluster set of eyes trained on him with barely hidden disapproval.

Their faces keep appearing in his mind during times like this. Times when he nearly wants to give up and walk away from everything without a notice. Yet, deep, deep inside his heart, he knows that stopping is the last thing he ever wants to do. So Jinki takes calming, measured breaths. One breath at a time.

Inhale.

Exhale.

He flashes a forced smile at the mirror and tries not to look like he’s dying... yet. Life is fragile that’s why death is always close. Just like how war exists in the pockets of civilization, hidden from the general populous, and limited from the knowledge of millions. It’s always been lurking like a snake, waiting for a chance to sink its teeth into its prey.

Groaning tiredly, Jinki ties his hair back and wipes his face with a towel, hoping he looks presentable enough to last for the whole day. They’ll be waiting for him back home - the boys. Four wonderful people with the same aspirations as he does. All of them are just teenagers, in fact. He’s closer to adulthood than any of them, but he doesn’t feel like one. Jinki, instead, feels like a puppet being controlled by a puppeteer. His limbs are held up by strings, and his mouth unmoving, without sound.

Although, Jinki has to admit that puppets do not have opportunities like he does. They’re mere tools for everyone else’s entertainment, despite the fact that puppets are just petty toys that almost mean nothing. This industry’s been expanding, and by the looks of it, he might become a puppet himself if he doesn’t watch his back all the time.

Finally, when the instructors come back looking fresh and contented, Jinki suddenly wishes that he aspired to be like them instead. Suffering in this game of chess isn’t the best way to go by, so being a teacher is likened to a middleground, an oasis in the outskirts of the desert. But, for now, Jinki will have to make do with what he has.

“Okay, everyone. Get in your previous positions and repeat the routine from the top.” Jinki pointedly ignores the tremble in his muscles and starts dancing, wishing that the next four hours will fly by faster.








The dormitory is just as hot as the streets outside. Jinki blankly takes off his clothes, tosses them in the hamper, and jumps into the shower with a towel in hand. Minho and Taemin, the youngest roommates Jinki has, are curled up peacefully on the sofa when he arrived earlier. The two of them have a different practice schedule than Jinki, so they arrive at the dorm earlier than him.

On the other hand, Jonghyun and Kibum are nowhere to be found, so Jinki just assumes that they’re at practice again. Although Kibum is just as driven as Jinki, he never has to worry for the younger man. Being the middle child in this dorm, Kibum is close to mastering the art of balance and control. Jinki admires him for his strengths.

Out of all of them, Jonghyun is the one Jinki worries about.

Yes, he is Jinki’s problem ever since the five of them moved in together. Everyday, from 7 o’clock in the morning until 10 o’clock in the evening, Jonghyun insists on staying back to practice in the company building relentlessly. Jinki doesn’t know if the other man purposely exhausts his body to distract himself, or if he just believes that his skills aren’t good enough.  

If Jinki has to judge objectively regarding all of their skills, Jonghyun is definitely on top of the game. He, as the oldest, is unfortunately included in the bottom two of their tentative group. Yes, Jinki can sing well enough, but dancing and rapping are way out of his league most of the time. He studies and studies dance until his body gives up. Until his mind is screaming for him to back down. But if he wants to be part of the group to debut next year, he has to earn his place through hard work.

Jinki thinks about it everyday the moment he wakes up, and even before he goes to sleep. The pressure is close to suffocating him sometimes, but that’s a factor he should get used to in this industry. Right now, he chooses to close his eyes under the steady stream of water, let his muscles relax, and clear his head for a little while.

Once he gets out of the shower and silently plods to his room, Jinki reminds himself that he has to decrease this destructive behavior little by little. Being the eldest among them means he has to be a role model for the younger ones. He has to set himself straight before he falls even deeper in his self-loathing. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll even become a good leader in the future - if all things work out the way they should.

After dressing up, Jinki finishes his chores and takes a well-deserved nap. He only wakes up to the sound of the door to his room opening, followed by the low murmur of voices from the adjacent bedroom. He rubs his eyes and focuses on Jonghyun’s head poking through the gap, letting some light filter into the room. The younger man looks exhausted, eyes droopy and hair matted to his forehead. Despite that, Jonghyun musters a smile.

“Hyung, have you eaten dinner? Someone left two portions of food on the table.” he says, leaning against the doorframe.

Jinki shakes his head, wondering if he should just skip dinner and let Jonghyun eat all of it. He’s too thin for a trainee. Skinny enough to make Jinki frown whenever he sees him in the dorm, or in the training rooms. But Jinki relents. “You can go ahead. I’ll fix the covers and join you soon.”

Jonghyun grins, a sincere one this time, “Alright, hyung. I’ll prepare the table for the two of us.” Then he’s gone, footsteps followed by the sound of dishes clattering in the kitchen.

Sitting up groggily, Jinki mechanically folds the covers and punches the pillows until they look fluffy enough. When he finishes, Jinki walks out of the room barefoot, joining Jonghyun who’s eating silently on the table. Besides small talk about training and random things, their conversations don’t escalate into personal territory. Jonghyun is as good as an acquaintance to Jinki, but he wants to mean more to the other man. They can be friends just to ease the burden of keeping all their complaints bottled up inside. Everyone needs a way to release the tension somehow.

However, Jinki knows it will be a feat to establish a bond between the five of them, especially with Jonghyun. With all the pressure bearing down on them, it’s hard not to treat each other as threats to debuting. It’s every man for himself in this industry after all. Some trainees even backstab their friends just to be ahead. Just to be the favorite in other people’s eyes.

“Say, Jonghyun,” Jinki opens his mouth before his thoughts can progress into more dangerous territory. He pushes back his hair a little, making eye contact with the other male. “I’ve been wanting to invite you for dinner since last week. We can go to the mall tomorrow, around seven in the evening.”

Jonghyun tilts his head, eyebrows furrowed. “But I have practice until ten, hyung.”

Jinki rolls his eyes. “We all know that official practice ends at seven. You’ll burn out if you overwork. Live a little, Jonghyun.”

Sighing, Jonghyun hesitates for a few moments before nodding, looking a little pained. “I’ll miss my extra vocal lessons… but I guess a break is good once in a while?”

“Yes, that’s right,” Jinki grins, standing up and taking his empty plate to the sink. “Now that we’ve come to an agreement, let me have your plate so I can clean up. We have early schedules tomorrow.”

Jonghyun groans, handing his plate over before stretching his arms above his head. “This won’t happen too frequently, right hyung?”

Hiding his grin, Jinki shakes his head and starts cleaning everything. “Of course not. I’ll always tell you in advanced if we’ll go out again together.”

But, being a sneaky teenager as he is, Jinki’s promise doesn’t hold after their first dinner together at the mall. The older man finds ways to make Jonghyun cut down his practice hours at least three times a week, earning narrowed eyes and blank stares in return. The other three teenagers join them a handful of times, but it’s mostly Jinki and Jonghyun together.

Kibum arranges a group dinner about once every two weeks just so they can escape the dorms. Jinki is impressed of how easily Kibum blends seamlessly into his plans for the group. And he’ll be forever grateful to have someone as reliable as Kibum.

Although It takes a while before Jonghyun becomes comfortable enough to share anything personal, their friendship builds little by little. Sharing includes his feelings, his goals, his family, and his fear of disappointing everyone who believes in him. Jinki drinks it all in with no desire to forget anything that comes out of Jonghyun’s mouth.

Based from the advice given by debuted seniors, Jinki knows that this is a way to have someone who will be by his side through thick and thin. Through their future careers and scandals ahead. He can’t walk through the industry all by himself; he needs support, a stable base that will remain when everyone else turns their backs on him.

Having a small really does wonders for both of them. Jonghyun still calls him hyung, but the earlier tension in their relationship is gone, replaced by a shining beacon of trust burning bright. Jinki hopes and hopes, watching his four friends blossom like elegant flowers in a field of weeds. Deep within his heart, Jinki hopes to grow alongside each and every one of them.

 

Time flies by after that. Months and months of preparation give way to their official public debut on May 25, 2008. All five of them almost cried when the announcement is final, but Jinki stood strong. He remembers squeezing Jonghyun’s hand reassuringly and receiving a thankful smile in return. On his other side, Taemin clings to his arm, body trembling from excitement. Their friendship has progressed for the better, pushing through difficult obstacles that nearly cost them their spot in the group.

Thankfully, fate is on their side. Their seniors watch from the sidelines, recalling the exact moment they were in that same spot, in front of managers and trainers. Jinki feels proud of himself not only for achieving his goal, but for also getting the group to bond before they hit the stage in front of thousands of people.

Jinki is happy at that moment. As he sneaks glances at his new members, Jinki positively notes that with this setup, they can be SM Entertainment’s newest leading boygroup after SJ. It’s only a matter of time before their schedules will be packed, and their fanclub will be full of people who support them day in and day out.

“You think we’ll have a shot at hitting the big dome, Hyung?” Jonghyun asks in a low voice, ignoring the stern stare of their trainer.

Jinki grins, nodding enthusiastically. “We’ll be the best group out there. I can absolutely feel it.”

Comforted by his words, Jonghyun wraps his left arm around Jinki’s shoulder and squeezes. “I’ll work even harder this time.”

“Don’t sleep in the studios, Jong,” Jinki gives him a warning look. “We’ve talked about this.”

Shooting the older man a baleful look, Jonghyun sighs loudly. “Fine, fine. I keep forgetting how overbearing you are sometimes.”

“I just want our group to last for a very long time,” Jinki huffs, a little offended. “I’ll personally drag you back to the dorms if you push yourself too much.”

Beside them, the three younger members snicker, already used to this kind of scenario in their living quarters. They have to admit that Jinki really does his best to reel them all in before breaking down. He became the default leader of their group without anyone else’s protests.

Before one of them can join the conversation and possibly tease the older members, their new managers start talking about recording songs and shooting music videos in a few days. They have album jacket sessions coming up, as well as scheduled interviews after their official debut. The calendar of activities is packed for almost a month, and it looks very intimidating.

Jinki asks himself, as they listen to the instructions carefully, if his body will be able to withstand everything they have in store for the group.





Everything feels like a rollercoaster ride when you’re doing something you love. It’s the same when you spend time with people who really matter to  you day in and day out. Funny how it works, time. Whenever you want things to speed up, time seems to slow down. But if you want the opposite, time will come after you without a hint of remorse.

It seems to be unfair most of the days of our life, but time doesn’t play favorites right from the start. As an important element in life, time just exists without favoring anyone in the world. Unlike fantasy worlds in the movies where people control time, reality is as normal and as bland as it can get.

Jinki often asks himself if he’s being punished during the early days of their career. Debuting at the top 10 in music charts isn’t the issue. In fact, it did give them a boost and a solid audience to look forward to during their performances. What he worries about is s’ mental health.

A few months has passed since their debut, and it was a whirlwind of smiles and energy, familiar faces of their senior groups as well as the other new groups welcoming them into the showbiz arena. Jinki likes to call it an arena because at the end of the day, only one group will be standing at the top. There’s no bloodshed or physical fights; it’s more about hard work and the response of the public.

Now, Jinki’s problem lies on the usual criticism an idol group receives from the media. Since Super Junior is doing well on the charts, comparison is unavoidable. Humans are harsh creatures by nature, and younger people, especially teenagers, don’t have such a thick skin to withstand this treatment.

Whenever he makes it home to the dorms, he can feel the underlying tension in the air. It’s unlike the tension between the five of them at the start of training. This time, it’s more of a defensive instinct, the need to protect themselves from whatever’s knocking from the outside. Those unforgiving media outlets, harsh criticisms from trainers, and insensitive fans can easily get under their skin.

For the nth time in his young career, Jinki feels helpless. He sees locked rooms and tight smiles on the way to a schedule, barely repressed wariness in the music show studios, and undisguised relief when they get back home. Amongst the five of them, Jonghyun is the one Jinki keeps an eye on, noting how pale and distraught the singer is.

As the youngest, Taemin is assumed to be the one who needs coddling from the older members. Much to Jinki’s surprise, Taemin is keeping up in his own way, always sticking to Minho as they chat away their worries late at night. Jinki can hear them through the thin walls as his eyes struggle to stay closed and get some sleep.

He’s been having trouble resting his body recently. Maybe it’s caused by stress or anything similar, but he knows he’ll need to get over it soon. The same way the group will get over what they’re going through at the moment. Jinki talks to Jonghyun in between schedules, checking for obvious warning signs of anxiety or depression. His chest only feels a little lighter when he sees none. Only a little lighter.

However, experience tells him that it won’t be easy to pinpoint this at the early stages of their career. So he continues to watch like a hawk, receiving weird looks from Kibum every now and then. But no one says anything. No one is as concerned as he is because this is normal for idols after all. Jinki’s chest aches for Jonghyun, and he can’t just tell it to their managers without evidence to back it up. Not everyone is as understanding as some of his seniors.
 

So he continues wading through the thick forest of showbiz, avoiding traps while protecting his friends from problems that are too much for them. He serves as a shield for them, taking the brunt of an unexpected attack, or plowing through the obstacles in front of him. It’s the least he can do, and Jinki is determined to do everything in his power to succeed.

When they celebrate their first anniversary as a group, the turbulent first months of their career have mellowed down. Everyone is more relaxed during the small, private feast they have in the dorms after having one out in public. There’s a cake in the middle of the table with a single candle standing tall, carefully placed away from any of the swirly words on the cake. SOmething sweet to push down the bitter taste in their mouths.

All of them share sincere smiles, chests filled with a kind of anticipation on what they can do after this anniversary. The room is filled with light chatter as they eat, chopsticks clicking against bowls and plates during the whole ordeal. Jinki finds this sound comforting, a lot more like home. He’d pick this over the cheers of their fans, the booming music whenever they’re on stage, and the nostalgic feeling of their trainee days inside the company building.

Here, with the five guys he treats as his closest friends, Jinki feels at ease. Contented in a way parents feel whenever they see their child achieve something on their own. It’s a little like satisfaction in some ways, and he wants more of it. Much more than what his heart can take after being bombarded by so many emotions during the past year. He grows hungrier and hungrier everyday, to the point where he doesn't know if it's good or bad.

After the feast is finished and the other members have retired to their respective rooms, Jinki finds himself staying back, looking out of the open window calmly. His forearms are braced against the metal frame, eyes focused at a point in the distance. Maybe it’s a star he’s looking at, or just a useless spec in the night sky. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. 

With the cold, night air caressing his skin, and the silence of their dorm filling his ears, Jinki hopes, prays that he can do this forever.

They’ve had previous releases before this, previous songs that fall in the genre he loves so much, but this is the first time he has mixed feelings for a title track. Ring Ding Dong is beautiful in a way a painting is beautiful. Music is art, and art is pretty much subjective. Appreciating it and finding out its meaning depends on who really looks at it closely. Some may find it pleasing, while some may shake their heads and search for something else to look at.

Jinki thinks he and the other members are in that kind of situation during the demo, during the recording, and as well as during the music video shooting. The sound is catchy, unique in every possible way. He just hasn’t expected to be given a song like this in his career as an idol.

They’re sporting different hairstyles and clothes this time, hoping to match Ring Ding Dong’s vibe for this comeback. Jinki feels a lot older than his age for some reason, but he ignores the niggling at the back of his mind so he can observe the other four guys slotting their respective puzzle pieces together to form a beautiful image.

He tends to do this most of the time - staying away from the center of attention to have some time for himself. They’re hours from the official release of their song, and the finishing polishes are being made for the dance routine. Jinki watches Jonghyun and Taemin sprawled on the floor, chests heaving from practicing too much again. Honestly, the only thing keeping Jinki from doing the same is the piercing stare of their trainer. He feels numb as he leans against the wall, muscles spent after too much repetition.

Luckily, Minho and Kibum are looking much better sitting beside them, nodding at the choreographer’s instructions attentively. Jinki listens as well, but he keeps his eyes on Taemin and Jonghyun, just in case either of them need any help.

As it turns out, the group performs the choreography outstandingly a few hours later. It’s nearly two o’clock in the morning, yet the studio is still bustling with activity. They have to get some sleep and prepare for another schedule tomorrow, so the trainers let them go in the meantime.

The trip back home is filled with soft snores and an occasional murmur from Taemin. Jinki stays awake most of the time simply because he wants to give some company to their tired manager. The surroundings are eerily quiet when they arrive, and it takes a few tries to have everyone trooping inside the dorms. Their manager isn't as alert as Jinki, but the man has to go home as well. As the leader, Jinki is the one who stays up until the car is gone, and the neighborhood is bathed in silence once again. Goodnights are exchanged when he finally gets inside before the rest is dead to the world again.

This is just a typical day in the life of an idol after all. However, this is the point where the flames of determination and hard work start to flicker.

Jinki thinks of it as a trigger of a gun, a kill switch of a bomb, or simply an on and off button of a light bulb. It’s nothing complicated, nothing too burdensome if you look at it in different perspectives. But as easy as it is to say, the moment something snaps together unintentionally, a whole landslide happens thereafter.

What is he saying, anyway?

What’s with this vague hint that doesn’t seem to make sense at all?

Well, Jinki is just talking about a person’s mental well-being. He can’t pinpoint when exactly it started for the group, but he felt that something is off before he sees the actual physical damage it causes. He sees it as the calm before the storm.

People might think it’s something akin to bloody knives or unprescribed pills lying around the house. But no, it eventually comes in the form of a hidden message on the glass panel inside the bathroom.

Jinki’s half awake at that time, shuffling through the pitchblack dorm without bothering to turn on the lights. It’s three forty-five in the morning, the sound of crickets still abundant in the background, as well as the occasional honk from a lone vehicle. He opens the bathroom door, flicks the switch, and checks the heater for any problems.

His morning routine consists of brushing his teeth, doing his business, and taking a long shower to wash away the last dregs of sleep in his system. This time, he has the luxury of not worrying about anyone’s complaints because they’re all still asleep. Once he finishes using the sink