• May 2, 2021

 

“Uhm how should I start? First, I don’t know why we are doing this. Second, i did it because you told me to. Third, it’s 2015 and i don’t know if this letter would still be readable by the time we open it but I’m still going to do it... so here it goes...

 

My hoonie~ i think the reason you asked me to do this is because you want to know if we’re still the same after 6 years, right? You know i love you so much more than anything in this world. I am willing to do anything just to keep you because if the day comes when i can’t hold your hands anymore, is also the day when i lose my self.

 

Every time i look at you, my heart swings and my blood runs up to my face at a very fast rate. We’ve been together for two years and i still feel the same... and i think even if after 100 years, when we’re both lying in our grave, I’ll still feel the same. Even if my heart dies, my love for you will bring it back to life.

 

This sounds too cheesy but i mean it. Every word that my pen shed, is also the same as the words that my heart shouts ever since we met. My hoonie, i just want to promise that i will never ever ever ever leave you... no matter what. I’d rather lose everything to have you. I can’t imagine my life without you... if dying is what it takes to be by your side forever, then I’ll do it!

 

But nah... we should not die yet! We should create a lot of happy moments together. I know you’re going to cry if ever you read this because of overflowing happiness.

 

By that time, I’m still beside you, of course! I’m probably sure you’re reading this while holding my hand. Aigoo my baby, let’s love more until the day we die, okay? I’m gonna end this here because i don’t know if it makes senseㅋㅋ but i love you so so so much and i still do...“

 

[ FLASHBACK ]

 

“Leave after his birthday ends...”

 

• D-1

 

• April 26, 2015

 

“Baby, where are you?” - Ilhoon

 

“Uhh i just woke up, why?”

 

He chuckled when he heard the other line’s morning raspy voice

 

“Why do you sound so y? Babe it’s too early... by the way, I’m here at our favourite place. I’ll be waiting, i love you”

 

He gave a sweet goodbye kiss at the screen of his phone as if it is his lover’s lips.

 

The call ended, and the picture of the only person who makes him smile everyday appeared on his lock screen brightly.

 

“Ah what should i do? I’m going to miss you everyday”

 

He took a deep breath as he felt something stings in his eyes. He felt the heaviness inside him- just like how the grass felt every time he lands his feet on them.

 

He knows he will soon hurt him... and it hurts him more. He couldn’t blame anything but his self, his life- his existence.

 

All of his worries disappeared in a blink of an eye when a familiar warmth embraces his hand. It was as warm as his lover’s hand, he easily recognised.

 

His lonely heart seconds ago jumps on extreme happiness and he couldn’t hide it as his lips curve its way upward.

 

He looked to the guy walking beside him

 

“Why is he so perfect?”

 

He asked to his self. His stare darts around his defined facial features, seeking for answer in a clear piece of his skin.

 

“I know I’m handsome you don’t need to remind me”

 

The taller guy said confidently

 

“Tss you just ruined the mood”

 

He said while rolling his eyes

 

“Why did you suddenly call me? Isn’t it too early for us to meet?”

 

“You don’t want to see me?”

 

“That’s not what i said”

 

“I know” he smiled “i miss you, that’s why”

 

“It’s too early yet you’re being too cringe”

 

“Ya! We did not meet for almost a month and you’re like that to me”

 

“Because you don’t want to! I almost hate you”

 

The taller boy headed under a big tree. He sat there without letting the other boy’s hand so he sat beside him without leaving any space between them.

 

“Let’s stay here for today”

 

“You mean for the whole day?”

 

The older boy nodded

 

“I know sitting here beside you won’t make me feel bored but that looks tiring. Sitting all day and not eating anything?”

 

“I thought you were smart. What do you think this backpack is for?”

 

He took his backpack, put it in his lap and opened it to impress the other boy.

 

It is a bag full of delicious snacks and refreshing drinks to provide them for the whole day.

 

“Whoa! Did you prepare all of these?”

 

“If it’s not me, then who else will?”

 

He said as he boasts his efforts

 

“Should we enjoy this day?”

 

He brushed his soft lips to the younger boy’s lips with a smile painted on it.

 

“I love you”

 

The two of them said while looking into each other’s eyes

 

• D-2

 

• April 27, 2015

 

“Baby, let’s go to the mall today. I need to buy something”

 

Ilhoon said as he clings to the taller boy’s arms

 

“Is that an excuse?”

 

“Hmm... maybe?”

 

They both laughed at each other.

 

The two of them knows they just want to be together and Sungjae will never refuse even if Ilhoon doesn’t spill a lame reason.

 

Sungjae drove them to the mall and for the first time, Ilhoon can’t help but to belittle his self. He rode his car a few times before but the feeling that sensate in his body is quite unfamiliar.

 

“I’m sorry”

 

These words slipped of his tongue subconsciously.

 

“What did you say?”

 

“U-uhh nothing”

 

They arrived to their destination and when the both of them is about to enter the mall, Ilhoon held the younger boy’s hand.

 

Sungjae could not respond to Ilhoon’s act.

 

“This is the first time he held my hand in public”

 

He thought and when he regained his consciousness, he told the other boy his concern

 

“What if someone saw us?”

 

He’s expecting that Ilhoon’s hand voluntarily held his since they are used to it and he is not fully aware of it... but he’s wrong.

 

“Let them think what they want”

 

“ilhoon you must be crazy!”

 

“For you”

 

The older boy winked

 

Sungjae felt butterflies on his tummy because of his wink. He’s still not used to his charms, Ilhoon is still as attractive as the first time they met for Sungjae.

 

Ilhoon did not let go of his hand, not even once and Sungjae could not help but to smile. They catch a lot of eyes but Ilhoon held it even tighter.

 

They entered an arcade room

 

“That toy looks like you!”

 

Ilhoon said as he points his finger to a fennec fox toy inside a claw crane.

 

“I’m going to get that!”

 

Ilhoon said cooly while Sungjae is just glaring at him.

 

Ilhoon bought six tokens and went to the machine. He moved the joystick around until the claw is above his target. When he’s sure it will land on the right place, he pressed on the triggering red button using his right hand which still holds the other boy’s hand

 

“Ah that’s near! I almost got it!”

 

“So near that it did not even touch the toy’s big ears”

 

“Shut up”

 

Sungjae chuckled

 

“Ahh you’re hotter every time you play”

 

“AHHH! What is wrong with this machine?!”

 

Sungjae laughs at the older boy

 

Ilhoon is now at his sixth attempt. This is his last token and he doesn’t want to embarrass his self in front of his man.

 

“You’ll get it. Six means yook and yook means six”

 

Sungjae proudly said as if he has a point

 

“Ahhhh i got it! I got it! I got it!”

 

Ilhoon excitedly claims as the claw grabbed the toy’s head and brought it sideward to the hole

 

“I got it! Did you see that??”

 

He picked up the toy and presented it to the taller boy

 

“This is for you”

 

He said softly as he hands the toy to Sungae

 

“I-i don’t know if i really resemble this toy but...”

 

“My baby is so cute while blushing!”

 

“Ya!”

 

Sungjae jokingly poked Ilhoon’s arm.

 

“Should we name it?”

 

Ilhoon asked as they walk out of the arcade room

 

“Hmmm what do you think best fits him? What about Iljae?”

 

The older boy suggested

 

“That’s too obvious!”

 

“So what? Iljae sounds cute!”

 

“You think so? Then ok... I’ll go with it. He is Iljae”

 

They stroll around the mall and eat together. When they already feel tired, they went back to the car. Since Sungjae will drive for them, Ilhoon took care of Iljae. He sat him on his lap and laughed quietly as he sees his lover’s face to the toy.

 

“You really look like him”

 

“We should’ve searched for his older brother though”

 

“Older brother?”

 

“A raccoon”

 

“Ya! How many times do i need to tell you that i don’t look like a raccoon?”

 

The car was filled with laughter of the young couple

 

“Sungjaeya~ you know i love you right?”

 

“You tell me that everyday”

 

“I know and i mean it. I really love you”

 

He leaned towards Sungjae and he kissed him once again. he placed his left hand at the back of the other boy’s head to deepen the kiss and assure that Sungjae will be able to taste his love, he makes sure that he does not only show it in his words. He wants to spoil him, he wants him to know that no matter what will happen, it’s always for Sungjae’s sake.

 

• D-3

 

• April 28, 2015

 

“Why do you want to be with me if you’re not going to talk to me?”

 

Sungjae murmured to the guy beside him whose eyes are glued on the book he is reading

 

“At this point, you can marry that book”

 

“You know i love reading”

 

“But—“

 

“Shhhh”

 

Sungjae rolled his eyes. Unlike the other guy, he’s not interested with books. He would rather go out and fish for the whole day than spend his free time reading.

 

The bored boy is torned between staying and leaving. He loves the guy beside him but he hates what he is doing. They have been silent for almost three hours and Sungjae feels like his will stay forever attached to his chair.

 

The library they are staying in is a big one, but for Sungjae it feels like a small suffocating room.

 

“What is that about?”

 

“An angel who fell in love with a human”

 

“Why is the story written in a blue notebook? That looks boring”

 

“It’s in diary form”

 

“Is it good?”

 

Ilhoon nodded

 

“But is it possible for an angel to fall in love?”

 

“In this world, yes”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Of course this is a fictional story! Tss”

 

“I’m being realistic!”

 

“Both of them died”

 

“Eh? Angels don’t die! Don’t make up stories by yourself!”

 

“That’s why you should start reading!”

 

Sungjae felt like his blood pressure went up

 

“Ya! If ever i write a story, will you read it?”

 

“Of course... not. It will be like ‘once upon a time, a boy fell in love with a girl who already captivated his heart at first met. He courted her and they live happily ever after’”

 

“I hate you!”

 

“I love you more”

 

• D-4

 

• April 29, 2015

 

“Babe, what do you want to do today?”

 

“You know I’ll fish today”

 

“Then let me go with you”

 

“w-what? Did you just say you want to—“

 

“Yes. Why?”

 

“But you hate fishing! You even almost broke up with me last time. Tss no! Don’t go with me if you’ll just whine the whole time!”

 

“I promise i won’t complain again today, please let me go with you. Please~”

 

Sungjae does not know if he will allow the other boy. He can’t trust him anymore on this thing.

 

“Why? Uh i mean you only want to see me today, right? Then let’s just go anywhere”

 

“No~ let’s fish today”

 

Why is he so clingy?

 

The taller boy asked inside his mind, obviously thinking that the other boy is a bit weird

 

“Don’t be a fake tss”

 

“I’m not being fake, excuse me? I love what you love and i hate what you hate. It goes that way. See you in a bit”

 

Sungjae heard the kiss sound of the boy on the other line before he hang up the call

 

“I really hope everything will go well today”

 

He prepared everything he needs- a fishing rod and reel, a line, a tackle box and some sort of bait

 

Sungjae left early because he thinks that Ilhoon might come late so he could enjoy his spare time alone.

 

He stopped at a fisherman’s shanty, where he always comes before fishing.

 

“Oh my dear, you’re earlier today”

 

The fisherman said

 

“I’ll fish with someone today”

 

“Is he the same person who came here last month?”

 

Sungjae nodded, he released a deep sigh when he remembered how pissed the other boy was the last time they went here together

 

“Push him”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Push him into the river if ever he acts again”

 

The fisherman jokingly said making the younger boy laugh

 

He bid his goodbye and took his things with him

 

He feels happier as he nears to the crystal clear river- it curved perfectly through the forest, flickering like a glitter below the surrounding trees.

 

It is my paradise, he thought.

 

Sungjae rests his self in the riverbank, tasting the refreshing aroma of his habitat while waiting for Ilhoon.

 

“Let’s go”

 

The younger boy was startled when he heard Ilhoon’s voice as he was in the middle of spacing out.

 

Sungjae nodded in doubt. They ride to one of the flat boats, wandering around into different spots where Sungjae could catch a lot fish.

 

When the younger boy found the perfect one, he tied the hook on the line, attached bait in the hook, casted the line and then started waiting patiently.

 

Most of the time, when he’s too absorbed, he forgets everything around him. His eyes are stick in front of him, precisely positioning his bait- like an archer aiming the centre.

 

Ilhoon, on the other side, is starting to get bored. However, he managed to enjoy this time. After all, everything around him seems fascinating in his sight, including the other guy beside him. He has read a lot of romantic books where two lovers stay in this kind of place and it’s pretty satisfying for him.

 

Ilhoon stared blankly into space

 

“This will be the last time you will fish with me for the time being. I hope you will still find happiness in this. I’m glad, at least, you have some recreational activity to do when I’m gone. Ya! fishes, please take care of my Yook. I’m sorry to hurt your brother but i promise, i will be back”

 

These thoughts run inside his mind. The commotion inside him opposes his peaceful surrounding as his thoughts abruptly collides into each other.

 

Ilhoon leaned his head into the younger’s shoulder, giving him a bit of comfort.

 

“I love you, sungjaeya”

 

He whispered

 

• D-5

 

• April 30, 2015

 

“Such a handsome and blessed guy”

 

Sungjae said smiling widely while staring at his own reflection drawn in the surface of the mirror

 

He walked out the bathroom towards his bed with a towel on his hands to dry his hair. The bathrobe tied in his waist is covering his body.

 

He sat down to his large bed wrapped with grey linen sheet to check his phone.

 

He smiled when he saw a notification

 

“It is from him”

 

He quickly opened it, and just exactly as he thought, it was really Ilhoon

 

“Ya! Call me when you wake up”

 

It was a short one

 

No sweetness can be traced from his text message but Sungjae can’t help but to smile, knowing that Ilhoon wants to be the first one he talks to in the morning.

 

He called him and right after the third ring, Ilhoon answered

 

“Good morning”

 

The other line said in a sweet voice

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“What’s with that answer? By the way, do you want to go on a trip today?”

 

“Trip? To where?”

 

“Anywhere”

 

The older boy sighed

 

“Do you have a problem?”

 

“Nothing hmm maybe, let’s escape for today”

 

Ilhoon said with sadness in his voice making the younger boy more confused

 

“Don’t lie to me. I know something is up. What is it?”

 

“Nothing, really...”

 

“No secrets”

 

Sungjae said annoyed

 

Ilhoon can’t fake anything to Sungjae. The taller boy knows him too well. He knows when something is bothering the other guy. Ilhoon has nothing except Sungjae.

 

“Uh... you know... you know i do love you, right?”

 

“Come on, what are you saying? Don’t scare me Ilhoon”

 

A tear fell from the older’s left eye without him realising. It rolled down to his lips and it tastes nothing but pure pain.

 

“I-i lost my job”

 

Ilhoon cleared his throat so he won’t crack his voice. The younger boy believed his excuse.

 

“What?! Since when?”

 

Ilhoon cried even more. He can’t believe he is lying to the guy he loves the most. He cried silently so the other boy won’t hear him.

 

“Y-yesterday”

 

Ilhoon did not lose his job because he was fired, he lose it because he quitted to spend more time with Sungjae and it was not yesterday, but last week.

 

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Wait for me, ok? I’ll pick you up”

 

Sungjae quickly get himself dressed and went to Ilhoon.

 

Ilhoon tried to calm his self. He is the type of guy who barely cries but this is too painful for him.

 

“I can tell you my plans, right? We can make it a secret”

 

He thought but then, he remembered what they said to him

 

“They’re right, Sungjae will be very mad if ever he knows what happened. He will go with me and i can’t let him suffer”

 

Ilhoon might sound selfish in his decisions but it is all for Sungjae’s sake- nothing more, nothing less.

 

After clearing his mind, he heard the sound of Sungjae’s car being parked in front of his house.

 

He sat in his sofa, exhaling the heaviness he feels inside

 

The door of the house where he stays in opened

 

It was Sungjae

 

His heart thumped when he saw his lover looking good as ever

 

Sungjae ran towards him with a worried face and he immediately hugged Ilhoon

 

The older boy felt at ease when the other boy’s skin brushed on his

 

“It’s ok, you’ll find another one. For now, let me help you”

 

Sungjae broke the silence without letting go of Ilhoon’s warm embrace

 

“I’m feeling better now because you are here”

 

Sungjae nodded

 

“Should we go now?”

 

Ilhoon asked with a smile

 

Everything that day went well. Sungjae drove to wherever his car wants to take them, they tried a lot of different things and when they almost ran out of gas, they stopped in one of the most breath-taking seas in Korea.

 

“This is so pretty”

 

Ilhoon said while walking out of the car. He grabbed Sungjae’s hand.

 

“There are a lot of people happily playing here”

 

Sungjae said but it is not the only thing that caught his attention.

 

It is such a perfect place. The sky sheltering them is like a curtain of silk, the horizon where the sky meets the sea is boasting in a line of nickel-silver, the jewel-blue sea waves are peacefully rippling and the air is filled with the salty scent of the sea.

 

Ilhoon and Sungjae tried the snacks around them, and when they are already full, they sat on the seaside.

 

While having a typical conversation, the sea waves teased the two boys making the two of them a bit wet.

 

Ilhoon, as the playful boy, untied Sungjae’s rubber shoes.

 

“Ya! Let’s go”

 

“We don’t have extra clothes”

 

“So what?”

 

Ilhoon winked, the younger boy gets his idea.

 

Ilhoon and Sungjae unhesitatingly rushed into the inviting calm sea.

 

Ilhoon began splashing water onto the younger boy. It hits his face so he took a revenge.

 

The sound of the boys’ carefree laughter filled the silent music of the waves. They continued enjoying in their own world, reaching the deeper part of the sea.

 

“Sungjaeya, let’s be together forever”

 

Ilhoon shouted before splashing another handful seawater.

 

• D-6

 

• May 1, 2015

 

The chant of the nature’s morning alarm awoke Ilhoon from his deep sleep.

 

His eyes are refusing to be opened as the sunlight travelling through his windows hits his bare face.

 

All of a sudden, he felt an arm wrapped around his body.

 

“Perhaps it is Sungjae”

 

He said, thinking he is still dreaming so he moved closer.

 

He placed his hand on the other boy’s back

 

“It feels realistic”

 

He said in a breathy voice as he felt the warmth of the younger boy’s body

 

Sungjae giggled

 

“Good morning, my angel”

 

Ilhoon instantly opened his eyes when he heard Sungjae’s voice

 

He blinked thrice to confirm if Sungjae is really in front of him

 

“Why are you here?”

 

Sungjae responded with a smile

 

He was even more shocked when he realised that they are half

 

He looked underneath their blanket and luckily, he is still wearing his pants

 

“What are you thinking? Nothing happened”

 

“U-uhh i-it’s because our shirt...”

 

“Why are you stuttering?”

 

Sungjae said leaning even more closely to the flustered boy.

 

“S-Sungjae...”

 

“Hmmm?”

 

Ilhoon’s heart started beating like an athlete running for its life. If it could reach another speed, it would probably go out of his chest.

 

The darkness in Sungjae’s stare tells Ilhoon that it can bring him to a bright place where only the two of them exists.

 

Sungjae’s lips are making him feel the need to his, while sensing the contact between their chests due to their closeness.

 

Ilhoon refused to entertain his thoughts.

 

“What happened? Did we sleep together?”

 

Ilhoon asks, trying to break the building tension.

 

“As far as i remember, we are too tired yesterday so i drove you home and then we fell asleep”

 

“You should go home now. Your father will be worried”

 

“As if he’ll notice that I’m not in our house. I already prepared our breakfast. Let’s eat”

 

Sungjae got up the bed first

 

Ilhoon noticed that the other boy’s movements are weaker than his normal and when Sungjae is about to open the door, he sneezed twice.

 

Ilhoon remembered that they did not changed their clothes yesterday after they dried it.

 

“Did you catch a cold?”

 

Ilhoon said in a concerned tone

 

The younger boy nodded

 

“It’s nothing, I’ll just take medicine after eating”

 

They went to the kitchen and sat in the small round table, facing each other

 

“I will not go to my mom today. You need to rest”

 

Ilhoon said

 

“But it’s just a cold”

 

“But you still need to rest”

 

“But you go there every month”

 

“Then its ok, I’ll go on the third, fourth or whenever. There’s always a time”

 

“No, i won’t agree”

 

“If i tell you to rest, then rest”

 

“If i tell you I’m ok, then I’m ok”

 

“But—“

 

“No more buts. Ya touch me! I’m colder than you. I will be fine”

 

Ilhoon sighed because of the younger’s stubbornness

 

“Don’t be worried. My body is stronger than you tss”

 

After some persuading, Ilhoon agreed to let Sungjae go with him to visit his mom’s grave. Even though he wants Sungjae to rest, the other boy insists so he thought that he can’t do anything about it but to let him win.

 

“You can’t be disobedient again next time or else”

 

“That’s not going to work on me”

 

“Uhh why did i date a stubborn kid?”

 

Ilhoon acted like a stressed man

 

“You should at least compliment me”

 

Sungjae pouted

 

“For what?”

 

“Never mind”

 

The younger boy started eating

 

“Ahhh! I was about to—“

 

“tss! Whatever!”

 

“Ya! Are you mad?”

 

“NO!”

 

“Then why are you shouting?”

 

Sungjae did not respond

 

“I cooked the food for us! I woke up early for it! But then he scolded me for nothing! He even asked why he is dating me! He is so annoying!”

 

Sungjae said at the back of his mind. While these thoughts are running inside his mind, he did not notice that his face scrunched up and he is eating his food like he starved for a year.

 

Ilhoon is trying to hold his laugh. He’s too comfortable with the other boy’s company. Even if he’s mad, Ilhoon still finds him cute.

 

“Is that what you call mood swing?”

 

Ilhoon asked with a poker face, but inside him, he can’t take Sungjae’s cuteness anymore.

 

“Of course, i appreciate everything. I’m just worried that’s why i forgot to talk about this”

 

Ilhoon speaks in a sweet way to assure Sungjae that he means every single word he says.

 

“Are you upset because i did not compliment you? Or maybe because... earlier, something could have happened if i kissed you”

 

“Uhh what are you saying?”

 

Sungjae placed his arms on top of the table and hid his face using his two hands.

 

“Ya! You’re blushing! I knew it!”

 

Ilhoon got up from his chair. He is trying to remove Sungjae’s hands from his face.

 

“Come on! You want it!”

 

“I don’t!”

 

“Why are you hiding then?”

 

This is how Ilhoon turns every little misunderstanding between them into a playful moment.

 

Relationship is not about winning. It is not about who leads and who follows or who wins and who loses, instead it is about showing vulnerability to strengthen one’s trust and love.

 

In the midst of teasing each other, Ilhoon suddenly hugged Sungjae.

 

He sat in the younger boy’s lap and wrapped his arms around his shoulder.

 

“Sungjaeya, stay will me until tomorrow night”

 

“Until tomorrow only? I can stay here forever”

 

The laughter that was filling the air crumbled into silence

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Ilhoon shook his head

 

“Tell me what’s bothering you”

 

“Sungjaeya... if ever i leave without saying any word, what will you do?”

 

“What are you saying again this time?”

 

Ilhoon stayed silent

 

“Then i will cut your area”

 

Ilhoon laughed at the younger’s silly response

 

“What about you? Are you okay?”

 

“Me?”

 

Sungjae asked in confusion

 

“You’re really weird these days”

 

Ilhoon broke the hug but he stayed on Sungjae’s lap

 

“I’m not! Ya! Let’s go! Let’s go to my mom. I’m excited to see her. You can use my clothes I’m sure there’s at least one that will fit your size”

 

“You want me to use your underwear too?”

 

“Why? If you have nothing then you can use it”

 

“You’re crazy”

 

“Why? Are you planning to reuse your underwear?”

 

“I’m not wearing it right now”

 

Ilhoon’s eyes opened widely and his cheeks became redder than a sunburned man. Sungjae bursts in laughter

 

“You’re calling me crazy yet you’re crazier than me”

 

“I washed it so i can reuse it”

 

“I don’t know if i should call you smart or dumb right now”

 

—

 

The two of them went outside the car.

 

For other people, cemetery might seem a haunted place but for Ilhoon, this place is one of the happiest he could ever be because this is where he can find his mom.

 

Ilhoon was left alone at a young age. His mom, his only refuge, died in a much unexpected way.

 

Whenever he remembers that day, he’s still thankful because his angel guided him to Sungjae. His mom died but he found another person to lean on.

 

Ilhoon walks towards his mom while Sungjae stayed afar to give the other boy some privacy.

 

The younger boy kept his eyes on Ilhoon and unlike his usual visits, Sungjae noticed that his eyes are sad today.

 

“What is really happening to you, Ilhoon? You told me we should never keep any secrets but i feel like you’re hiding one”

 

Sungjae started doubting Ilhoon. For the last six days, Ilhoon just wants to stay beside him. He’s naturally sweet, but not this sweet.

 

The last time i saw you look at her like that, is when you have to say goodbye to her.

 

You look at me in the same way... you look at me like you are planning to leave.

 

Sungjae thought

 

• D-7

 

• May 2, 2015

 

The next day, Ilhoon woke up before the sun rises to prepare a simple surprise for his lover.

 

It is Sungjae’s birthday

 

The last day he could create memories with him for the time being.

 

Ilhoon feared this day

 

“What if he won’t understand?”

 

“What if he resent me?”

 

“What if when i return, he already found someone?”

 

All these what ifs are running non-stop inside his mind

 

Meanwhile, Sungjae, whose mind is also filled with thoughts, woke up earlier than Ilhoon expected. The tall boy is having a hard time to sleep since he is too occupied.

 

Sungjae stretched his left hand to land on an empty figure.

 

The younger boy panicked when he realised that Ilhoon is not lying beside him.

 

“Where did he go?”

 

He immediately rushed outside the room.

 

Sungjae was relieved when he saw the older boy at the kitchen, completely immersed in his thoughts

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Ilhoon did not notice him

 

“What are you thinking? How deep are your thoughts could be that i cannot even steal your attention from those?”

 

Sungjae walked slowly towards the older boy and this time, even if he walked with light steps, Ilhoon noticed him.

 

Ilhoon looked behind him after hearing footsteps approaching his way

 

“Oh! Ya! It’s too early!”

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“U-uhh nothing! You should go back to sleep! I’ll follow shortly”

 

“Tss don’t lie! Are you planning to surprise me? Then sorry to tell you this but... you failed”

 

Ilhoon looked a bit disappointed

 

“I should make this day more special! Why does it have to be ruined?”

 

Ilhoon whispered, making sure it is not audible to the other boy

 

“What? What did you say?”

 

“U-uhh nothing”

 

Ilhoon responded in a weak voice

 

“Ya look at you! You look so pissed”

 

“Uhh! Just go away! I still want to do it!”

 

“Why not do it together?”

 

Sungjae said with a smile. He automatically helped Ilhoon to prepare everything he needs.

 

“Ya! Let me do it! Just go back to sleep! I want to do anything for you today”

 

“Why? You can still do anything for me tomorrow... or the other day... or on my next birthday”

 

Ilhoon was dumbfounded by Sungjae’s words.

 

He did not expect Sungjae to say those kind of things. He knows it is normal for the younger boy to react that way, but his heart shattered into million pieces by the way Sungjae delivered every words he said.

 

“Y-you’re right but still... let me do it”

 

“I don’t want... let me help you, i swear it will be fun”

 

“Sungjae...”

 

“But what are you really planning to do? Are you going to hang some papers with ‘happy birthday’ on it and then you’ll come out with a cake and a birthday hat while singing a birthday song?”

 

“Ya! That’s too common!”

 

“Then what is it?”

 

“Uhh! This is really irritating! I have prepared everything in my mind and then... ugh!”

 

Ilhoon rolled his eyes

 

“This is too funny but ok, I’ll let you to do that surprise or whatsoever you call it”

 

“Really? Then go back to my room and you can go outside if the alarm played. Did you get it?”

 

Sungjae nodded

 

“Ya!—“

 

“Okay! Okay! Okay! You don’t need to tell me ‘do what i said, don’t be stubborn, blahblah’”

 

“Good. Now, go!”

 

—

 

Sungjae is patiently waiting inside Ilhoon’s room.

 

He already knows that Ilhoon will surprise him, if not today, then he will miss the chance to prepare Sungjae for what is coming.

 

Sungjae quietly cried inside the room. The pillow he is lying on willingly caught every tear he sheds.

 

He does not know what is happening. He wants to ask the other boy but he is scared.

 

“Will he cry because he lost his job?”

 

He asked in a doubtful manner. He knows Ilhoon too well. That tough guy who barely cries, will never cry in a shallow reason. He did not even cried when they went through their hardest times.

 

Ilhoon keeps on giving him assurance but last night, when Sungjae is pretending to be asleep, he saw the other guy packing up his things. he can’t see him clearly because the darkness outside is consuming the whole room but there is still a piece of light coming from the streetlights that is why he is able to tell what is Ilhoon doing.

 

He was about to ask him, but the heavy sobs coming from Ilhoon stopped him.

 

“I’m sorry... Sungjaeya... please wait for me... i will be back...”

 

[ 9 AM ]

 

“Sungjaeya wake up~ sungjaeyaaaaa wake up~ sungjaeyaaaaa wake up~ SUNGJAEYAAAA WAKE UUUPPPPP~”

 

Sungjae arouse from sleep.

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Sungjaeya wake up~ sungjaeyaaaaa wake up~ sungjaeyaaaaa wake up~ SUNGJAEYAAAA WAKE UUUPPPPP~”

 

He traced where it came from and he realised that Ilhoon changed his alarm tone into his voice

 

Sungjae laughed so hard

 

“What is this? I didn’t expect that he will go this far. This is really funny”

 

He is preparing his self so when he comes out the room, he will look as calm as he can be but he saw a red paper stick on the room’s door

 

Sungjae curiously walked towards the paper

 

“1st mission: find each letter of the word ‘Happy Birthday’

 

Start from the front door to the kitchen. The rooms are not included. Good luck and i love you!”

 

These words are written aesthetically in the paper.

 

“I bet he holds one letter”

 

Sungjae began searching for the letters. He started first at the living room and as he was searching, he can’t stop laughing because he finds Ilhoon’s idea a fun thing.

 

Ilhoon did not make it too hard for the other boy so Sungjae easily finds the letters. Actually, he could find it easily because each letter is wrapped around a rose- one for each. Other than the rose, it is also accompanied with his favourite snacks.

 

“Uhh this is too sweet”

 

He was left with two letters and while walking on his way to the kitchen, he noticed an unfamiliar figure above him. He looked at the kitchen’s ceiling and there he saw a raccoon stuffed toy hang into it while holding one of the missing letters.

 

“Oh! Ya! Jung ilhoon! What are you doing there? Go down! How can you hang yourself there?”

 

Sungjae said jokingly, if the other boy could hear him, Ilhoon will probably hit him at the back of his head

 

He pulled a chair to reach for the toy

 

“Uhh this boy, really! How can he think of these things?”

 

Sungjae’s heart is bursting in joy. He excitingly hugged the toy as it resembles his lover’s face.

 

“You really look like him! I’m glad iljae has finally found his brother! We’ll name you later, ok?”

 

He kissed the toy and playfully pinched its cheeks.

 

“YA MY CORNY HOONIE! COME OUT NOW I KNOW YOU HOLD ONE LETTER!”

 

He shouted while going down from the chair, when he noticed that the other boy is not inside the house, he felt happiness inside his heart because he knows where he is.

 

“Ahh so you want me to find you? tss that was easy!”

 

He roamed once again to find the last one, and when his eyes locked with their beautiful photo together placed beside the television, he knew that the answer is right behind it.

 

The letters are now complete. He got 26 snacks and 13 roses in total. He noticed that one of the papers is not wrapped well and there is a word written behind it.

 

He sat down the floor to unwrap the papers from the rose, he scattered each in order, putting it upside down to see the hidden message. Every letter has an equivalent word.

 

“Falling in love with you is easy but staying in love is easier”

 

“Uhhhh this is so cringe!!! How can he be like this?”

 

Sungjae said while rolling down the floor. There is a romantic excitement in his voice and he could not deny the fact that his face is already burning. He gave his tightest embrace to the toy he is holding as he bites the top of its head due to the exhilaration he is feeling.

 

When he decided to get up, he noticed another paper glued at the ceiling.

 

“Uhh what’s that? Why did he placed it here?”

 

Sungjae fixed his t-shirt and read the next mission Ilhoon prepared for him.

 

“2nd mission: find where i am. I’m expecting to see you there by 8:45 AM. You will have your third mission here”

 

“Uhh basic!”

 

He checked the time and it is already 8:36 AM

 

“Oh geez!”

 

He immediately left the house and drove his way to their favourite place. Sungjae is fully aware that there is no other place Ilhoon wants to be right now other than that.

 

(A/n: the place where they went on d-1)

 

Since it is not that far from Ilhoon’s place, he arrived at exactly two minutes before the expected time.

 

He parked his car and ran to the wide green pastures until he reached the spot where they always spend time together.

 

“Where is he?”

 

He is almost near but he can’t even see his lover’s shadow. He noticed a red mattress directly beneath a big tree to sit on. He saw a large basket on top of it which he thinks, carries everything that Ilhoon prepared for him. He was about to dig into it when his lover suddenly appeared behind him.

 

“You startled me!”

 

These are the words he unintentionally said when he saw him. Ilhoon laughed at his reaction. Sungjae still carries the raccoon toy with him, and when Ilhoon saw it, he smiled widely.

 

Sungjae hugged the other guy.

 

“Thank you”

 

He whispered.

 

Ilhoon hugged him back.

 

“Sungjaeya… I’m sorry. I’m not good with surprises. You know I lack in romantic stuffs. This is all I could offer”

 

“What are you saying? You really made me happy.”

 

Ilhoon broke the hug.

 

He got something from his pocket which made Sungjae a bit puzzled.

 

All Sungjae could see is a small blue box and even though he has an idea what is inside, he still waited until Ilhoon confirmed it.

 

Ilhoon opened the box displaying two rings in different sizes.

 

“Sungjaeya… your third mission is… I dare you to love me forever. I dare you to stay no matter what happens--”

 

Ilhoon was not able to finish his sentence when Sungjae pressed his lips against his. It did not took Ilhoon few seconds to respond to his kisses. His hand wrapped around the taller boy’s waist and the other goes behind his head.

 

They could not find the exit from the juvenile ecstasy they are in. Every time they part their lips, they could not bear to let go of each other’s. It is a sweet goodbye kiss. It is something Sungjae can hold into while they are far from each other. The love he tastes will always lead him back to Ilhoon.

 

“I promise to love you eternally. Don’t worry… I promise to stay. Even if everything seems wrong, I will hold onto your promises.”

 

They exchanged rings.

 

“What does this mean?”

 

Sungjae asks, pointing at the date engraved in the ring.

 

“May 02, 2021… after six years, let’s meet again here. Oh I almost forgot! I prepared a time capsule.”

 

“Time capsule?”

 

Ilhoon nodded

 

“I want you to write a letter for me, of course I will do the same. And when that day comes, let’s go here together to open it.”

 

“Are you sure when you told me you are really not good in romantic stuffs?”

 

They decided to enjoy for the whole day. They ate everything they have in the basket and played some fun things. Before the day ends, they wrote their letters for each other. They sat underneath the tree, facing each other, while expressing their love for each other through every words they write. When they are both done, they dig a hole to bury the letters.

 

Later that night, when they got home, when the moon embraced the bright sun, the two boys brought each other into another ethereal place, a paradise where they have never been to. They did it not because of the flesh, but for the love they invested. Freeing each other from the chain that locked them, they bravely tells the world about the love that devours their system.

 

[ END OF FLASHBACK ]

 

(A/n: as you can see the letter at the beginning is not finished so here’s the continuation)

 

“These are the words I would say if I don’t know you too well. My hoonie~ are you planning to leave me? I don’t really know what is going on… and I want to ask you but just like what I promised… I will stay. Even if I’m not sure of the future, I will patiently wait for you. Please promise that you will come back. I think you’re leaving for six years… don’t you dare introduce another person when we meet here again. Don’t you dare leave me forever! I don’t know if we can survive this but I believe in you. I know you love me. The past seven days is enough reason for me to stay. Let’s meet here again, ok? Please prepare your explanations. I will miss you my hoonie.

 

• Your Sungjaeya~”

 

The last words from Sungjae made Ilhoon a sobbing mess.

 

For the past six years, they never met even once. He left Sungjae.

 

After the night when he willingly gave his self to his lover, Sungjae woke up without him. He left a deep scar in his heart and he does not know if Sungjae will be able to keep his words. He never expected that Sungjae has an idea.

 

“Sungjaeya, you should have asked me…”

 

“How come he knows I am leaving? I’m sorry… I’m sorry for causing this pain”

 

He’s not certain if Sungjae will appear on this day.

 

He kept crying until he is tired.

 

“Sungjaeya… I miss you… I miss you so much”

 

After four hours of waiting, he felt heaviness in his eyes. He knows he should never get tired. A couple of hours is nothing compared to the six years of pain he gave to Sungjae.

 

His eyes landed to the spot where he buried his letter. It shocked him because it looks like someone already dig the place and his letters is not there anymore.

 

His heart jumped in happiness.

 

“Sungjae is here! He must be here!”

 

He stood up

 

“YOOK SUNGJAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU?”

 

He shouted at the top of his lungs.

 

“YOOK SUNGJAE I LOVE YOU!! WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU????”

 

He searched the place, hoping to see his lover’s figure.

 

“Where are you, my Sungjae?”

 

He fell down on his knees.

 

“Where are you?”

 

As his tears fell on the ground, he saw a black rubber shoes in front of him.

 

“I am here”

 

He slowly looked upward.

 

“Sungjae?”

Ilhoon’s vision is blurry because of the water filling his eyes but he knows it is Sungjae.

 

The older boy is so happy to see his lover. After all these years, they finally saw each other.

 

He stood there frozen. He does not know what to do. He wants to kiss him, he wants to feel him again, he wants to hug him but he couldn’t.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

Sungjae asked with tears in his eyes. He is holding his lover’s letter in his hand.

 

[ Ilhoon’s letter ]

 

“Sungjaeya~ how are you? Are you reading this message? I don’t know if you will still accept me by this time. I don’t know if you can forgive me. But I’m still hoping.

 

Sungjaeya… how do I start telling you everything?

 

For the last few days, I was able to show you how much you mean to me. Sungjaeya I’m sorry if I’m doing it this late.

 

Last month, we were too clumsy. It was our fault. Sungjaeya… your dad knows everything about us. I don’t know who told him but he did. He talked to me.

 

I’m not sure if I should tell you this but he threatened me. I understand him. I know why he did it.

 

I’m sorry for not meeting you for the whole month. That night, when you are peacefully sleeping in your room, he talked to me in an abandoned house. He told me to leave… you know I can’t do that. He brought six men with him, and they beat me. I waited until my scars are all healed. They’re trying to convince me to break up with you. But I can’t easily give up, I tried to fight back but what can I do?

I don’t see your father as a bad person, but he is willing to kill me if I stay. He told me his plans. He said he will send you away from me. He will send you abroad and he will cut all your connections. He said he will tell you I cheated. He will do everything to send me away. But I never gave up. I told him our dreams but he gets angrier. He was so scary. I thought I can convince him… Sungjaeya… I can’t let you suffer because of me so I chose to leave. I’m sorry for being a coward.

 

He really wants to kill me that time… and I don’t want to see you crying because of me. Sungjaeya… I tried… but I failed. We were too young. I don’t have anything to boast other than the love I have for you.

 

Sungjaeya… when I meet you in the future, I am rich enough that time. I will study hard to achieve my dreams. Let’s ran away. Let’s live together in a fancy house. Let’s adopt kids.

 

Sungjaeya… I’m really sorry. Those six years have been a tough year, right? Sungjaeya… I’m sorry for making you cry. When we meet again, I will do my best to make you happy.

 

Till the day I die, I love you.

 

• Your Hoonie”

 

“Sungjae… I’m sorry”

 

Sungjae hugged the other boy, he let his emotions control him.

 

“Why are you saying sorry? I should be the one asking for apology. How hard it must be? Why did you keep everything from me? You should have told me everything that happened”

 

Ilhoon freely cried in Sungjae’s shoulder.

 

“Sungjaeya, thank you for waiting”

 

“I told you I will wait”

 

“Thank you…”

 

“Sshhhh it was a tough journey alone. But everything is worth the wait. My hoonie we don’t have to run away. My dad already accepts us”

 

“W-what do you mean?”

 

“I’m sorry for coming late. I talked to him. For the whole six years, I did everything he wants me to do. I followed his dreams for me. We became closer. I became successful. It is all thanks to you. Because of your sacrifices, he believed in true love. You know what? When my mom left us, he became cold. Love became a mere story for him. But because of you, he became confident that his son found his true love. At first, he did the same to me but I cried to him every day. I keep ranting that I miss you. I opened up to him. I told him I’m gay. And that’s how everything fell into place”

 

Ilhoon’s mouth completely shuts because of Sungjae.

 

“You can’t believe this is happening, right? I am so proud of you. It’s ok, we can spend all the days of our life creating the memories stolen from us for the past six years… you are really an angel to me. My dad is ready to meet you again. This time, he will welcome you with a smile on his lips.”

 

~ END