It was far from early, but Chaeyoung was still sleeping in her dirty messy dark bedroom. She didn't bother to clean it up, her state of spirit wouldn't allow her to do anything, it smelled like cigarettes and dirty laundry, even her houseplant had died. The only light to be seen came from under the door and from the gaps of the blinds. The pained and lonely quietude was interrupted by the sound of heavy pounds on the door and a high pitched loud voice coming from the outside:

“Son Chaeyoung! Get your off that bed”, it was her friend, Sana, that had been attempting to wake her up. She knocked again, again and again. After countless tries, she managed to bring her sleepy friend to consciousness. Chaeyoung heard the unmistakable voice and knew who dared to disturb. The younger girl growled and rolled over to face the pillow, mulling over the once again neglected desire of dying in her sleep. The visitor kept assaulting the door.

“Will I have to lockpick your door or what?! I know you're awake, open the door!”, tired of Sana’s complaints, she swiftly lifted from the bed and unlocked it, throwing herself back on the bed and crawling under her blankets. The heavy steps spread around the room as if the girl had more than two legs.

“Ugh, this room smells, when was the last time you cleaned it?”, she asked rhetorically and opened the blinds, making the warm sunlight invade the room. Chaeyoung buried her head under the pillow in pure annoyance. Sana indeed wasn't helping: she took the blankets and the pillow, tossing them on the floor and started poking Chaeyoung, who was furious at this point.

“ off! What's wrong with you?”, she blurted out and sat down.

“You're the one who's got something wrong!”, Sana pointed a finger at her.

“Sana, leave me alone”, the smaller said, slapping her hand.

“Leave you alone for you to spoil in this room?”

“Yes”, Chaeyoung reached the cigarette box and the lighter over the bedside table. Sana tracked her movements and held her wrist, stealing the cigarette.

“Sana, Sana! Give it back”, she pleaded.

“No, this is also killing you.”

“It's not funny, Sana, give it back, I’m being serious.”

“Chaeyoung… This isn't-”, Sana nearly whined.

“Sana”, unfortunately, Chaeyoung’s dead scary stare made Sana hand the box with a huff. Not nearly a minute later, it was already lit and held between her teeth.

“We have to talk”, the japanese sat down beside her friend. “For how long will you keep doing this to yourself?”

“Doing what?”

“You know what I’m talking about. She doesn't deserve your tears, nor your self destruction.”

“What makes you think this is because of her?”

“It's been two months since you broke up, and since then you cut your hair short, got two new tattoos and is smoking way more than you used to and drinking alcohol as if it's water. Without mentioning your bedroom looks like garbage. Your mother is worried and doesn't know what to do with you, she said many girls she doesn't know come and go”, Chaeyoung eyes watered at that, but she held back the tears. She loved her long hair and promised not to get any other tattoos. The breakup came like a bulldozer over her sanity, and she acknowledged that.

“She was my world, Sana. I ed up.”

“And I’m here to show you the whole world you've been missing.”

“I’m sick of your metaphors”, she said, exhaling the smoke. Sana coughed, she has always hated that smell, since her childhood.

“Mina was one person among seven billion.”

“But she was mine, she was one in a million for me.”

“Oh, Chaeng…”, Sana brushed the korean’s hair, it and sighed. It was greasy. She added:

“Go take a shower, I’m taking you out today.”

“Can you please respect that all I want is to be alone?”

“I’ve been respecting for two months, and since you met Mina you stopped seeing your friends, you've changed. You know I’m only here because I humiliated myself to keep talking to you when the only thing you wanted was her. Even your family was left behind for her. You're coming with me. Go take a shower. Please”, she had no way of talking back. The younger got up lazily and headed to the bathroom, disposing the cigarette on her way. Sana was right, she was always right.

 

•••

 

By the time Chaeyoung came out of the now steamy room, Sana had thrown lots of things away. The owner of all those stuff almost had a heart attack seeing the pile of objects in the bin.

“Hey, hey! What are you doing?”

“Helping you”, she said at the same time as she threw away some old papers.

“Leave those things.”

“These are trash, Chaeyoung.”

“It's my room.”

“Did I ask?”, she accepted she didn't have any authority over Sana and resumed combing her hair.

“It's much better now, but I’m coming back tomorrow to make you clean all of it”, before getting up, she grabbed a bunch of pictures from the dusty floor and headed once again to the bin. Luckily, Chaeyoung turned around to monitor her and despair took over her when she saw what Sana was carrying. She didn’t make it to her before it was around all the garbage. Some of the beer cans still had some liquid. They ruined the picture. She attacked it, bringing it closer to herself.

“Why would you throw these away?”, her eyes glued to the old selfie of her and Mina, it wasn’t only a selfie, but their first kissing selfie, and many came after it, but none were as special as that one. She felt her heart ache, she didn’t only miss her, that was way too vague. She had seen, though, a word for that around the internet, which came from portuguese: saudade. Saudade is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. That was the word. She cursed internally. Her favorite picture was now gone. She hoped Mina still had that picture. It was taken with a polaroid, and Chaeyoung only had a copy of it, printed on a regular paper. Tears threatened to fall and she couldn’t hold them back. Sana rubbed the latter’s back, trying to comfort her.

“I’m sorry, I thought it would be better for you…”

“Being sorry won’t fix it. Go away”, she threw the remains in the trash and went back to her bed.

“I’m taking you out, I’ve already said that.”

“Take yourself out, get lost.”

Sana didn't waste a minute following her. She climbed over and was having second thoughts about her decision, but she did it anyway. Chaeyoung was confused, looking into her eyes, waiting for words to come from Sana's mouth. Instead of words, Sana lowered her head and captured the latte