4 years ago

Settling his posture into the ending pose he finishes off the choreography for Girls' Generation's Gee, observing how the delighted beam fades from his lips, replaced by a thin yet tight line. His eyes are still glued on his own expression in the mirrored wall as he senses how the energy that has just lived within his body is being soaked out of his flesh — corrupted by a form of exhaustion he is already used to by now.

But it doesn't matter. The exhaustion is just part of the process he has to go through in order to push open idol life's steel gate. He knows he still has a long way to go until he can finally feel its rough material against the surface of his hand, but until then, he has no other choice but to learn from the trainers as well as the successfully debuted trainees.

Shifting his eyes back to his reflection, The next song – Wonder Girl's Like This bursts from the speakers, filling the entire dance practice room with its refreshing beat.

His trainee coaches, as well as other idols have told him how essential it is to be energetic on stage. 'An idol always has to give 100% on stage, no matter how exhausted or drained you might feel'. And that's exactly why Baekhyun has been busy training his expression with upbeat girl group songs –Well, not exactly. Actually, the agency has told him to practice a lot of girl groups in order to get a lot of attention in various of variety show. Also, it would, suit his 'flower boy' image, as they worded it.

He didn't really understand why he has to have such an image in the first place, thinking if his fans liked him, they would like him for who he is, not a stupid image forced by the agency, but they insisted on it, saying he would have the chance to gain more popularity.

More popularity, huh?

Averting his gaze from the mirror, he brushes tears of sweat from his forehead, running a finger through his messy raven hair before fidgeting with the screen of his phone. His finger makes their way to the pause button, killing the music in only one slight touch.

All Baekhyun wants is to sing and perform. He has never thought about things which would just come with it, like fans and popularity. Gaining popularity and having tons of fans is important for an idol and also the group's survival, but why does it nowadays feel like it's getting way too important? It's starting to overshadow the talent and passion of a group , or an idol in general.

His phone clenches tighter in his dainty fingers, his eyes hovering above the touchscreen. Oh , he has totally forgotten the time.

Getting up in record time, he makes his way out of practice room, his feet kissing SM's laminated floor. He doesn't even realize, but a wide smile shifts on his lips, caused by the thought of seeing this only certain person, who is able to erase all the exhaustion and problems from his mind, clouding his stomach with tons of mad going butterflies. His boyfriend.

He still can't believe he's going to see him after all those weeks of waiting for him to finally have time. It's not like he can't understand why he hasn't had time, his boyfriend is going to debut in just a few weeks after all – becoming an idol and finally achieving for what he's been working for so damn hard for years now.

The smile on his face widens as he remembers the first time they've met. It was one week after he had been casted by SM and he of course didn't know a single soul in the whole building, always dancing by himself in one of the dance practice rooms or training his voice in an empty recording studio. He has been alone at that particular day as well when a boy entered the dance practice room whilst he was in the midst of practicing a choreo. Practicing his dancing skills while others people were busy doing their own stuff wasn't very unusual to him, but being watched by a stranger, on this day by this certain boy, was definitely, well, unusual.

Baekhyun, actually, didn't mind at first, trying not to build eye-contact with the boy who was sitting onto the floor, half of his face hidden by a black cap, but as the song neared its end, he couldn't help but sneak a peak at the boy, hoping he would turn away from his gaze. But to Baekhyun's misfortune the boy's lips curved up into a smile, his body suddenly heaving up in the air. His first, natural intention was to look through the dance practice room, seeing if he had maybe smiled to someone else, or watched someone else the entire time but no one was in the corner he was.

It was him. Only him.

The first response hammering his mind was to make his way out of the practice room as soon as possible, but the other male grabbed his wrist all of a sudden, a thunder of shock striking through his body. He would be lying if he said he wasn't creeped out, actually he was creeped out for his damn life, but still, since he didn't plan on making any enemies turned around, facing the boy who had taken of his cap by now, revealing his handsome (kind of friendly looking) features to the smaller.

He can't exactly recall how long he's been staring at the guy in front of him but a chuckle suddenly caught him out of guard, his eyes drilling holes into man's hand which was still around his wrist. The other probably noticed it and let go before finally speaking up. "Are you a new face? I haven't seen you around here yet."

Baekhyun's eyes shoot open, a little taken aback of the other's smooth voice. "Ya.. I started here a week ago."

"I see," the boy said, a wide smile plastered on his lips. "I've just watched you practice and you're very good, but you have to work on your balance. I don't want to sound like a showoff but dancing is kind of my thing, I could— well, help you with that." Baekhyun bit his lips, playing with the hem of his shirt. He didn't know if he should be embarrassed or grateful. I mean he offers me his help right? He thought, curling his fingers into a fist nervously.

"Oh..god, I'm sorry. I didn't want to embarrass you or something — I just, you really have a lot of potential and you're really talented—"

"No, it's fine. Thank you, I'd gladly take your offer. Can I maybe .. know your name?" He said carefully, looking into the other's wide smile and deep dimples before glancing into the darkness of his orbs.

"My name, yes of course. I'm Yixing, Zhang Yixing. What about you?" He holds up a hand for Baekhyun to take, surprising the other with his overwhelming friendliness. His lips curve up, a blush creeping on his cheeks. "Byun Baekhyun." 

 

Chapter II

Baekhyun had never given much thought to the impossible – but lately he has been stuck on one certain thought. How would his life have turned out if he had decided not go to the casting this one day, what if he would had decided to be a coward and flee as soon as his laid his eyes on the monster of a building overshadowing his average sized figure.

Would he, maybe, had been happy by now? Or rather regret it?

Baekhyun doesn't know why this particular question has been bugging him for days now, but it was ghosting in his mind whenever he closes his eyes or tries to relax for once, nor does he know the answer but it seems to be his poltergeist – the fate question his decisions.

He is sure, he is made to be an idol, to sing, to dance and to make people happy with his music, but maybe the world he lives in is only an illusion created by the dreams in his mind.

Maybe his has been approaching everything in the wrong way in the first place. What if he has never been made to be an idol? What if it was nothing more than a simple desire his blooming self tried to follow?


 

Eyelids fluttering open, he shifts them through the, by the sun illuminated, airport. People are running in all directions in haste, probably trying to catch their flights on time, children playing around with peaceful faces and in particular cameras surrounding him and s, filming their every move.

He lowers his head, pulling his facemask closer to his face as he continues following Minseok and Jongdae in total silence.

This is one of the moments when he questions the life he chose. Attention is of course something important for an idol, and of course Baekhyun loves being the center of attention, but he has always hated showing people how weak he actually is. Being captured in all of your phases, and emotional states is a scary thought to him, letting people see how valuable he actually is.

How he's breaking with each and passing day – It's a scary thought. But unfortunately also his reality.

So Baekhyun does what he always does, increasing the volume of his music as he tries to ignore the drowning voices, gluing his eyes onto the floor and imagining being someone who has faded – He imagines being his blooming self, not tainted by the idol life – a normal, regular human being who can hide his valuable side for once. Being someone he used to be.

Only until, of course, the voices get too much for me to ignore – Only until the crowd seems to be swallowing him with their sharp gazes.

You can't ignore reality forever after all, at one point it's going to catch you once again. It's going to hunt you until you have no other choice but accept what's really happening, what's been going on around you while you were trying to run away as fast as your feet could carry you.

At one point it's going to swallow you like you're the weak sheep and it's the dangerous lion.

 

Nothing but a weak – fragile sheep.

 

That's exactly how Baekhyun has been feeling since he entered the music