Love of my life, you've hurt me,

You've broken my heart and now you leave me.

Love of my life can't you see,

Bring it back, bring it back,

Don't take it away from me because you don't know what it means to me.

 

…

 

Every child is born the same. Innocent, impressionable and probably crying. Some, however will be marked with a destiny. A sign. A flower.

 

Appears as a bud when your soulmate is born.
Blooms at first touch.
Wilts when your soulmate dies.

Yoo Jeongyeon was born with a bud.

 

The bud of a small white flower, an edelweiss, right on the achilles for her sisters to see when they tickle her toes. And it’s exciting. None in the Yoo family has ever had one. Never. She’s the first who’s destined for someone. It doesn’t change who she is, Jeongyeon. But it gives her a lot of attention. It’s only about ten percent of the population who has a mark. But she’s still just a happy kid, fully aware that she won’t ever have to be alone. That there’s someone out there for her.

 

It happens at an amusement park in june. She’s six and she’s there with her family. It’s warm and she’s excited; it’s really not too often they have time to do these sorts of things together, all five of them. Soon it becomes clear though, that they’re not the only ones who’s taken the good weather as an opportunity to go spend a day away from the house. And Jeongyeon clings to her sisters. So many tall people and so many loud kids, and they might knock her glasses off. But it’s no good. She’s bumped into time and time again, queueing for the rollercoasters and the food trucks. And at one point she and her oldest sister are caught in the middle of what looks like an entire school class. She doesn’t even register what’s happening when she gets out of the commotion, just bends down to tie her shoelace and scratch her achilles, distracted by the itching sensation. Then runs after her sister, wailing because she didn’t wait for Jeongyeon but just kept walking.

 

It’s not until she’s home and her shoes are off, that her sister gasps.
“Jeongyeonnie! It’s bloomed! Oh my god Jeongyeonnie look at your heel!” The older girl exclaims excitedly. And Jeongyeon turns, heart in and looks down at a weird angle. And there it is. Bloomed with slender white petals and bulbous yellow stigmas in the middle. It’s barely the size of her fist but it’s there.

She met her soulmate that day.

 

It’s an exciting time for Jeongyeon. She looks for her soulmate in every face on the street. Knows it’s someone older than herself. Someone who was there at the amusement park that day. But a child with a bloomed flower is a rarity indeed, and at school she’s famous for her edelweiss. Wears it proudly, in case someone would find her. Someone with a bloomed flower of their own.
And for three and a half years she curiously observes the people around her.

 

Until the day it wilts

 

She’s just turned 10, and it’s around christmas, the edelweiss covered by socks and jeans. She’s in school - third period when she suddenly feels a sharp pain by her achilles that makes her yelp. Quickly she asks to leave to see the nurse, pale and clammy, and the teacher thankfully lets her. But she’s barely made it out of class when her knees give in, and she kicks off her shoe, pulls off the sock and jerks up the leg of her jeans. Tears of pain streaming down her cheeks and lip tucked tightly between her teeth, she sees watches as the slender white leaves crinkle and turn brown at the edges. How the pollen disappears and leaves the stigmas and tufted. There’s no doubt in her mind. Her soulmate is dead, and this is what it feels like to have your heart broken.

She faints right there in the hallway, her body shutting down.

 

For almost a year she’s nothing but a shell. All her confidence lost, knowing that she’ll never get to be someone’s destiny. Tormented by the guilty that she never searched harder.

 

The next three years are a just blur. She’s still being sheltered by her sisters and her parents. Hides her wilted flower shamefully. Feels the grief everyday. The grief of losing someone you never knew. The grief of failing at the age of ten.

 

Her teens are bitter years. Feels nauseous at the movies and books built around the curious phenomena that is the source of all her pain. Averts her eyes whenever she sees someone with a bloomed flower, and wants to scream when she sees two together. Cannot even find it in her heart to be happy for others. Considers joining her soulmate several times but never actually takes a step.

A coward afterall.

 

…

 

Jeongyeon is twenty, in the train home from work, when she sees her the first time. But it’s not her eyes that notice her first. It’s her ears. An uncontrollable laughter pierces Jeongyeon’s ears and she looks around instinctively. When she looks around she can’t really figure out who the laughter came from. But then the laughter is back and she scans the compartment. The laughter belongs to a girl with long brown hair, bubbling past plump lips and distinct teeth, eyes glinting as she laughs. There’s a girl next to her, her hair more vivid in color, thicker and shorter. Her eyes big and her skin tanner than the norm for this area of Seoul.
 

And then she sees it.
On the first girl.
The one with the laughter.
Right on her proudly exposed shoulder.

 

It’s the biggest flower Jeongyeon has ever seen, and lord knows she’s seen a lot. Can’t help looking for them even now. But this girl’s entire left shoulder is covered with little purple flowers and huge green leaves. And for a moment Jeongyeon considers that it might just be a regular tattoo but these soulmate marks always have a certain glow about them. And this is undeniably one.

The girl catches her eyes before she can look away.

 

Jeongyeon immediately wants to hate her. God she wants to hate every single thing about her. And more than anything she wants to look away. But she just feels her face get hot as the girl’s eyes pierces her.nCould she just stop smirking please? Or stop being such a confident , with the mark a mockery to everything Jeongyeon was, a constant reminder of everything Jeongyeon would never get.

And please could she sit back down and not come walking through the compartment towards her?

But she is. She is walking towards Jeongyeon, not letting her look away for a second.
And now she’s sitting down next to Jeongyeon, crossing her legs and leaning forwards just a bit, so the biolent colors are visible in the periphery of Jeongyeon’s vision.

 

“So, if you’re my soulmate, you should at least tell me your name.”

 

“Trust me, I’m not.” Jeongyeon says dryly, leaning back in her seat as the girl searches her face.
“I’ve looked for my soulmate for twenty tears, I think I know when a girl has a flower.” She shrugs confidently. “So tell me pretty girl, what’s your name?”

“I’m not the girl you’re looking for. You’re not wrong that I have a flower, but-“
Jeongyeon cringes. Had almost told a total stranger of her biggest shame.
“But what, beautiful?” The girl leans closer.
“But save your flattery. I’m not interested.” Jeongyeon insists.

“I can promise you, whoever you think is your soulmate, I can promise you, it’s me you’re looking for. So tell me your name, and preferrably also your number so we can get past this.” The girl insists.
“Listen. I’m not telling you my name or my number, you’re wasting your time.”

“Mh, a tough one. Well I guess you wouldn’t deserve to take up so much space on my skin if you weren’t a challenge.” The girl grins.

“Okay that’s it.” Jeongyeon snaps. Reaches down to her left heel and yanks off the shoe, lifts her leg up so the ankle rests on her thigh. Pulls down the sock and reveals the wilted edelweiss for the first time in ten years. To a complete stranger.

For a moment the girl just stares. Studies the mark, and even touches it with the tip of her finger, retreating as soon as skin feels skin. Then nods and draws back, looking at Jeongyeon’s face once more.
“So, are you going to tell me your name or what?”

Jeongyeon gapes at her. “Did I not just show you that I’m not your goddamn soulmate?”
The girl just shrugs and crosses her arms, waiting until Jeongyeon pulls the sock over the mark and gets the shoe back on.
“My name’s Nayeon, just so you know. Im Nayeon.”

“So? I didn’t ask.” Jeongyeon narrows her eyes at Nayeon.
“Ouch, you’re really bitter, aren’t you? Well my point is that you might not be my soulmate, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be good for you. Just because I have a soulmate doesn’t mean I’ll ever find her.”

“How do you know it’s even a her?” Jeongyeon frowns.
“Wishful thinking. Same with hoping it was you I guess.” Nayeon shrugs and sends Jeongyeon a smile so sudden and surprising and full of warmth that Jeongyeon has no choice but to return it.

“Oh, she smiles. And a pretty smile at that.” Nayeon chuckles.
“Can you stop flirting please?”
“Why? Am I making you uncomfortable?”
The genuine concern in her voice takes Jeongyeon aback almost more than the smile had.
“I.. no. I just, I’m not your soulmate.”

“Babe, listen to me,” Nayeon puts a hand on Jeongyeon’s knee.
“Babe...?” Jeongyeon mutters under her breath, completely unable to figure the girl out.
“Well you didn’t tell me your name,  so I’m improvising.” Nayeon shrugged. “But anyway, Babe-“
“Jeongyeon. My name is Jeongyeon.”

“I like it. Well Jeongyeonnie-“
“Jeongyeon. Just Jeongyeon.” Jeongyeon interrupts.
“Would you shut up and listen to me?” Nayeon snaps. “I’ve looked for my soulmate for twenty years, I might never find her, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna just wait for my life to begin.”

“And if you want, I think, if nothing else, we could be friends.” Nayeon shrugs.
“Right. Friends. Sure, that’s your purpose with me.”
“I must admit, your lips are very pretty babe, but I can settle. Just give me a chance?”
“No thanks.”

“Okay. Fine. Gave it a shot. It was nice meeting you Jeongyeon. And.. I hope you find someone. There are lots of people without soulmates, you’re allowed to be happy, even if they’re not here anymore. I honestly think they’d want you to.”

Jeongyeon frowns as Nayeon gets up, the purple and green mark on her shoulder demanding attention, most of it visible under the low back of her shirt.
“How do you know I’m not happy?”
Nayeon looks down at her and tilts her head, “Well are you?”
“...No.”

Jeongyeon could’ve lied. Should’ve lied. Because Nayeon is just a stranger. Just another desperate soul looking for her other half. And for just a split-second Jeongyeon wishes that she could’ve been. But then remembers. She’s no-ones.
“Thought as much.” Nayeon says.

And then she’s gone. Her friend has gotten up from her seat, and the train comes to a halt. They leave the compartment, and Nayeon doesn’t even look back. Not that Jeongyeon wants her to. Or wants to keep looking after her. But she is. Looking at the mark at least.

 

Who could be allowed to take up that much space on someone else’s body?

 

It’s not like Jeongyeon has anything better to do. At least that’s what she tells herself that night when she’s sitting in front of her laptop at one in the morning with her third cup of instant and twenty four tabs open. Every single tab is related to whatever flower Nayeon had on her shoulder. And for the life of her Jeongyeon cannot find it. Cannot figure out what flower it is. And by now she probably knows he taxonomy of four different families of flowers by heart, lost in the detail.

It’s three in the morning before she gives up. Falls asleep in her chair, glasses askew and a hand on the warm laptop. Dreams of ferris wheels and roller coasters and purple clouds.

 

…

 

Another three weeks pass, and every day the mark takes up just a little less of Jeongyeon’s conscience. Until it’s suddenly right there in front of her, in the queue to the coffee stand at the library.
Jeongyeon wants to run.

 

But she doesn’t run.
Because for the first time she can get a closer look at the flowers. 5 little petals grown together to trumpet shape, a little lighter color in the centre. A more blue-ish shade of purple than she had remembered. Lots of them, surrounded by huge green leaves. And she’s caught in the detail of the veins of the leaves then the shoulder suddenly turns and Jeongyeon snaps up to see amusement and surprise in Nayeon’s eyes.
“Well, this is a surprise. Jeongyeon was it? Getting a good look at my mark are we?” She grins, exposing her teeth.

A familiar warmth emits from the girl, and Jeongyeon forgets how to form a sentence. Just shrugs and steps back as much as she can in the queue.
“It’s pretty right?” Nayeon looks over her shoulderc tracing her fingertips over the flowers.

“What are they?” Jeongyeon asks despite every intention not to.
“The flowers?” Nayeon frowns. “They’re heliotropes. Why, you study herbology or something?”
“No, not at all. I was just curious. It’s the biggest mark I’ve ever seen.”
“Mh, yeah it’s apparently unusual?”

“It’s unique. I’ve seen hundreds, thousands, this is.. yeah, unique.” Jeongyeon mutters, eyes glued to the tip of a leaf traving over Nayeon’s shoulder and disappears under the hem of her shirt.

Both times Jeongyeon has seen her, Nayeon has worn these shirts. Low back but high in the front. High enough to cover her collar bones even.
“You do know you’re still staring right?” Nayeon’s voice reveals that she’s humored by Jeongyeon. And somehow it’s not that bad.

“Just fascinated.” Jeongyeon mutters, her eyes finding Nayeon’s again. They’re still as piercing as rhe first time, but there’s kindness and almost a tenderness in them as they hold Jeongyeon’s gaze.
“Been thinking of me?”

“Not in the slightest. But you’re hard to miss with that thing.” Jeongyeon retreats, finally gaining a bit of sense.
“Well then, how about I make you think of me. We could have our coffee together?” Nayeon suggests just as the queue moves forwards.

“You really think highly of yourself.” Jeongyeon shakes her head. “But you could always try.”
“So easy to win over today, are you sure you’re not sick or something?” Nayeon teases, reaching up to let the back of her fingers feel Jeongyeon’s forehead under her bangs.

If Jeongyeon didn’t feel warm before, she certainly does now. And it annoys her, that she merely let’s Nayeon tease and flirt. That she sorta likes it. Likes the attention.

 

…

 

And it just keeps happening like that. Jeongyeon keeps finding the mark in the crowd. And somewhere between Nayeon’s flirting remarks and all her laughter, Jeongyeon’s stomach tugs uncomfortably every time she sees it.

Wishes that Nayeon would cover it up.

 

“There she is!” Nayeon exclaims happily one day when Jeongyeon sits down next to her in the library. Gets shushed by another student, but just giggles and turns her chair to face Jeongyeon. “So, how is the love of my life doing today?”

Jeongyeon winces. She can’t help it, because it hurts.
“Could you please not call me that?” She mutters.
“What? Love of my life?” Nayeon frowns. “You know I’m just messing with you.”
“Still...” Jeongyeon squirms in her seat. Hates everything about this situation.

Hates that she couldn’t just let it slide. That she couldn’t just let herself indulge in the wonder that is Nayeon. But that exact name was her limit. And she knew why. Somewhere in er heart she knew why.
That over the past two months, she had caught herself hoping.

Hoping beyond hope that she could be.

There’s no way out of it. She’s reached her limit. Embarrassingly fast, but that’s the reality. And she doesn’t want to lose Nayeon. But she can’t. Not when it makes her want things like these.
“Nayeon I need you to stop flirting.”

“What? Why? Jeongyeon what’s up?” Nayeon looks at her, mouth slightly ajar, brows knotted and eyes flicking between Jeongyeon’s.
“I’m falling for you.” Jeongyeon doesn’t waver. Doesn’t hide.
Nayeon stares. Then forma to a comical little ‘o’. She nods.

“And you don’t want to fall for me?” Nayeon asks. It’s not flirting. It’s not hurt. It’s just... asking.
“You have a soulmate somewhere, Nayeon. And I don’t. And when you meet them,”
“Her.”
“Her... then I won’t be enough. And if I fall for real. I won’t survive losing you.”

Nayeon nods. Then looks down at the book open on a page on chemical equilibrium, and she plays with the page. “Would it be selfish if I want you to fall for me anyways? If I hoped I never found my soulmate so I can stay with you?”
“Yes.” Jeongyeon says honestly.

“We’re screwed then aren’t we?” Nayeon chuckles wetly, and to Jeongyeon’s horror she starts crying, silent tears falling onto her cheeks.
“Hey, it’s ok!” Jeongyeon tries, patting Nayeon’s back.
“No it’s not. You’re such a pain Yoo Jeongyeon.” Nayeon whispers.

 

That's the last day Nayeon wears shirts with low backs. And Jeongyeon hates it almost as much as she hates seeing the mark, because she knows why Nayeon hides it. Knows why she stops calling Jeongyeon 'babe' or 'beautiful'. Knows why she's suddenly polite when they text. And they try it for a while. Just being friends. Waiting for the wave to pass. It was their own fault after all. Got caught up in the adventure of each other, and now they pay the price.

 

Yet one night, almost five months after the first time they spoke, Nayeon steps into Jeongyeon's compartment of the train, spots the younger girl and hesitates. But Jeongyeon lifts her backpack from the seat next to her, and Nayeon nods. Sits down. Almost in tears already.

"So, how's the love of my life doing tonight?" Jeongyeon asks in an attempt to cheer her up, nudging Nayeon softly.
"Not too well." Nayeon admits, a trembling smile on her lips. Picks at the sleeves of her turtleneck.
"Oh?"
"You see, she's in love with this girl." Nayeon mutters.

"Now that's news." Jeongyeon tries to sound dry. Probably doesn't manage very well.
"Yeah and this idiot she's in love with is this really annoying, ugly idiot who's in love with a dead person. And she won't let me love her." Nayeon tells her knees, frustration in her voice.

Jeongyeon nods. And the need to do something to help, to make things better, is overwhelming and overshadows every fear of going through grief and heartbreak once more. It hadn't be a choice to fall for Nayeon, and she couldn't seem to stop loving her.

"And if she lets you?" Jeongyeon mutters, opening her palm in her lap, lifting it slowly to hold it between them. "If I want to take this adventure with you, despite knowing it's gonna end in heartbreak?"

"You really know how to sell yourself, love of my life." Nayeon hiccups. Takes Jeongyeon's hand.
And it's all they do. Just hold onto each other. Neither seem ready to take it further. But for now, they're tethered.

In love.

Terrified.

 

…

 

It becomes a joke between them. A morbid, painful reminder of a joke, to call each other that. Love of my life. But somehow, a reminder to live together to the fullest while it lasts. Except it probably would've held more substance if it hadn't been three weeks and neither of them had initiated more than holding hands. No kissing, no cuddling, no flirting like they used to.

"But why aren't we kissing?" Nayeon asks when Jeongyeon mentions this curiousity.

It's night and they're on their way home from the movies.
"I don't really know." Jeongyeon admits with a shrug. Holds Nayeon's hand a little tighter. Wishes the colors on her back would show, would serve as the reminder she didn't want. But Nayeon still hides it.

"Do you want to?" Nayeon asks, stopping in middle of the street, forcing Jeongyeon to do so as well, as they eternally refuse to let go of each other.
"What? Kiss you?" Jeongyeon asks.
"Yeah, I mean, I can't blame you if you-" Nayeon trails off.
"No I definitely want to."

It's as if every time Nayeon loses her confidence, it's Jeongyeon's first instinct to shoulder her. And it would be so horribly embarrassing to have this much of a weakness for someone, if it wasn't for the way Nayeon smiled at her. With a glint of her old self in her eyes.

"So easy to twist around my finger tonight, love of my life. What's gotten into you?" Nayeon teases. And Jeongyeon wants to give her the entire world right there.
"I'm tired and you're pathetic."she shrugs. "You wear me down."

"Well at least my persistence is good for something then." Nayeon grins, and steps closer.
"Well you wouldn't leave me alone, so here I am." Jeongyeon huffs, carefully letting her free hand fall onto Nayeon's waist. Sees her eyes flicker down to it before looking back up. Somehow everything moves in waves when it comes to the two of them. Every step they take towards each other taken so slowly and then all at once. It's the same tonight, as Nayeon moves closer and closer, too slow and too fast all at once. The cold of the night is a complete constrast to the warmth of Nayeon's lips pressing against Jeongyeon's with an urgency unlike any that Jeongyeon has ever experienced from the older girl ever before.
It's as if they were made for this exact kiss.
For each other

 

But they're not.

 

And it's this that makes Jeongyeon feel like she's going to be sick, makes her pull away and let go of Nayeon's hand. Makes her eyes spill over with tears as she looks down at Nayeon.
"I can't do this. I- I can't do this." she blurts, breathless and trembling all over.

"Jeongyeon- you. You said- We're." Nayeon's words trip over each other and then she gulps. Takes a deep breath and reaches for Jeongyeon's hand. But Jeongyeon moves it out of her reach.
"Nayeon- Nayeon stop- I can't. I won't survive you." Jeongyeon tries. "I can't love you."

"But you do love me! Don't do this. Please... Love of my life-" Nayeon takes a step towards Jeongyeon, and the younger girl knows it's not ill meant. But the words sting worse than anything else she could've said. Because it's just that reminder.

"I can't do this afterall. I wish I could've. I just. I can't love you. I can't love you. I can't be the love of your life. I won't ever be the love of your life." Jeongyeon's practically sobbing by this point, and she's surprised that her knees are still carrying her.

"Then screw that! Screw the whole soulmates thing. It's utter anyway!" Nayeon's voice fills the night. "If there was someone out there for me, then why am I here, pleading for you to love me?"

"You said it yourself." Jeongyeon says, just as quietly as Nayeon is loud. The last words are barely whispers, but they're the only words Jeongyeon can think of to end this. To save herself. "You're selfish."

It's wrong. She knows it's wrong, and she can hear both hearts breaking in the noise of the people walking around them, not caring about the broken love at their feet that were once full of blissful ignorance.

 

Maybe one moment was all they would ever get.

 

…

 

Looking back, Jeongyeon can't even remember who walked away first. Maybe they just agreed silently. To walk away. To leave it on the street. But there was no denying that she had loved Nayeon with everything she was, even if only for a short while. And for the second time in her life she had lost a lover. And somehow this was worse than the first. Somehow Nayeon had been more real to her than any soulmate, dead or alive. And if Nayeon had been unmarked, it would've all been different. But Jeongyeon wasn't going to go back. She had made up her mind the moment she had said the words. Had settled for handing Nayeon over to whatever person she was meant for.

Love of my life.

Even if Jeongyeon could never be that for Nayeon. Jeongyeon was sure now. Nayeon had been the closest Jeongyeon would never get, to just that. She had, for all means and purposes, for a few wonderful months, been the love of Jeongyeon's life. And with that, Jeongyeon accepts the grief and heartbreak that overpowers her the second Nayeon is out of sight. The second they turn their back on each other. Calls her sisters when she comes home. Asks to move in with them for a while. Tells them everything. And they make her breathe. Make her stand up. Tickle her toes and take her to the amusement park. Offers a memory of a childhood before the worries of never finding someone. If nothing else it took the edge of Jeongyeon's grief, enough that it's almost bearable to hear her name. But not enough that she stops looking for the purple and green in every crowd. Wonders how long it'll take for Nayeon to show it again. To mark herself once more available for her soulmate.

 

…

 

And so, time passes. A week turns to a month and a month to a year. And Jeongyeon is back in her own apartment. Back in her classes. But still. She takes the bus instead of the subway. Sits in a cafe instead of the library. Uses a coffee cart at the other end of campus. And some of it seems just like a dream. But every now and then, she'll hear her laugh in someone elses laugh, or the glint in her eye in someone elses eye. And it hits her just how much she screwed up. Should've never let herself go with Nayeon in the first place.

 

As a year turns to three, Jeongyeon reaches her 24th birthday. But even if her ridiculous friends keep insisting that they want to take her out, she refuses. The last thing she needs is three lovesick fools around her on a night where she wants nothing more than to see her. So honestly, can you really blame Jeongyeon for thinking she's going crazy when she walks into a bar so far away from her own neighborhood and sees a low cut back revealing a sea of heliotropes encircled by large green leaves.

Jeongyeon wants to run.

 

Because even now, it hurts to see that Nayeon is looking for someone that isn't her.

 

Yet there's something in the air or her heart or whatever idiocy is currently controlling her, that makes her walk closer. That keeps her eyes glued to Nayeon's back, And for whatever stupid, ridiculous reason, she opens . Even if she has no right to.

"Love of my life.”

 

Nayeon's entire body jolts, and she almost falls off her chair, turning to stare. Jeongyeon immediately regrets, as Nayeon's eyes glaze over. Right. She was the one who had called Nayeon selfish last time they met. What right does she have to ever utter those words?

"I... Sorry, I shouldn't have used, I'm- I'm gonna go." Jeongyeon fumbles, Nayeon staring at her as if through a veil.
"No." Nayeon shakes her head. "No, sit."
And really, with all that she's put Nayeon through, then and now this, could she really deny her?

So Jeongyeon sits on the barstool next to Nayeon, resting her arms on the bar. Is caught by Nayeon's eyes, though they waver.
"You look... You look good." Nayeon tries, her voice feeble. Jeongyeon leans closer just to hear what she's saying over the noise of the bar.

"Nayeon. I'm-" Jeongyeon's voice catches. Not even sure what she's trying to say. "Sorry.."
"Don't be." Nayeon smiled just a tiny bit. For a second. Then it fades again. "How have you been?"
"...Good?"
"So, bitter?" Nayeon guesses.
Jeongyeon shrugs. "It's my thing, right?"

"I guess." Nayeon slumps a bit in her chair and then stretches her back.
"Looking for her, still?" Jeongyeon asks, gesturing at the low-cut back. "Or did you finally find her?"
"No.. Never found her. Stopped looking. It's more of an artwork by now." Nayeon wriggles her shoulder.

"You stopped looking?" Jeongyeon frowns. "Why?"
"Lost my nerve I guess. It took a hell of a long time to get over you. Didn't want to go through it again. So I figured... if she's out there, she's there. And if not, I at least never have to show anyone my ugly scar."

"Scar?" Jeongyeon asks with a frown. "What scar?"
Nayeon looks just as confused as Jeongyeon. "My scar, I'm sure I told you about it once? Like that's the reason I like these?" Nayeon pulls at her shirt. "Shows the back but not the front."

"I'm so lost right now." Jeongyeon admits, waving off the bartender trying to get her attention.
"I just have the longest scar down my chest and it's so ugly, so I always loved these shirts because they show off that beautiful mark- even... even if I don't like it much anymore."

"What happened?" Jeongyeon asks, shifting to face Nayeon better. "To give you the scar I mean?"
"I was ill a lot as a kid." Nayeon shrugs. "They weren't sure I was gonna survive even my first year. But then I got this mark, and they thought, well she has to survive then."

"Not necessarily." Jeongyeon huffs and scratches her achilles with the toe of her shoe. Wishes she could stop thinking about it and just move on as unmarked.
"And then I got better somehow. As if that mark made me better? But then when I was eight I got really sick again."

"Sick how?" Jeongyeon frowns. Wonders how the hell Nayeon hadn't ever mentioned this before, considering the depths to which they'd talked everything else in the months they spent together.
"My heart. I was born with a hole in my heart."

"Wait, like an actual hole? And here I just thought you were a jerk because you liked it, and it turns out you just couldn't help it." Jeongyeon nudges Nayeon. But the laugh Nayeon lets out is hollow, and she averts her gaze. "What?"
"This heart doesn't have a hole."

Jeongyeon leans closer, because clearly she hasn't heard right.
"What do you mean 'this heart'?"
"I mean this isn't the heart I was born with. Look, it's a really long story and not really the topic for a bar conversation." Nayeon grimaces.

 

"But you never told me this!" Jeongyeon presses, even if she should really just let it rest. Because something has woken in her. Something she couldn't even explain to herself by this point. Something beyond old flames stirring.
"... Okay, I'll tell you... but not here."

"Nayeon it's not-" but Jeongyeon's protests die in as Nayeon's hand closes around her wrist and pulls her effortlessly from the chair, dragging her her out of the bar, into the cold November night.

 

The second they get outside, Nayeon lets go of Jeongyeon, and crosses her arms across her chest.
"I told you. When I was eight, I got really sick. And it wasn't like, just for kicks. The hole hadn't healed as it should, so they put me in the hospital. But I was too old."

"There wasn't really much else I could do but just wait. And I was pissed because I had just gotten my mark to bloom a few weeks earlier and I ing missed it, and then I was stuck in some hospital bed where I couldn't even see it, or find out who it was."

"And it took years of me being stuck in that bed until they finally found me a new heart. I had to have some dead kid's heart beating just because mine was ed. And I was so mad. But they finally took the old one out when I was eleven."

"Santa's blessing as my mom called it, because it happened like right around christmas. Always hated christmas after that. It hurt like hell, and it took so long. But you know, I'm here so it worked. But I was way too shy by then to start looking for my soulmate."

"So my mom started making these shirts for me so I could feel pretty, instead of just being the girl with the big far scar and-"
"Nayeon please shut up." Jeongyeon mutters. Rubs her temples in an attempt to understand everything Nayeon had just told her. Because her mind is so stuck on all the little coincidences. On all the little things that don't actually matter. It's Nayeon's story that matters and here she is, trying to make it all about herself. And for what? To fill some stupid dream she had years ago? But she has to try. Even if it's stupid. Even if it's the most far-out thing ever. Because Nayeon is right there. She's not dead. And it's soulmate markings after all. Souls. Not Hearts. Yet she still hears the words tumble past her lips.

"Where were you when your mark bloomed?"

 

"An amusement park. We went a whole bunch of kids from the swim team. It was during those years where we thought I was doing good. Why?" Nayeon frowns.
But Jeongyeon can barely breathe. And finally, her knees give in like they had threatened to do for years whenever Nayeon spoke.

"Jeongyeon!" Nayeon exclaims as Jeongyeon buries her head in her knees. It cannot be. It's ridiculous and so far out.
"December 15th, 2005" Jeongyeon says breathlessly.
For a moment Nayeon just stares. then slowly with almost too much control, sits down in front of Jeongyeon.

"That's the day-"
"Of your surgery, yeah I know." Jeongyeon whispers.
"But how?"
"Because, love of my life, these stupid marks aren't connected to souls. They're connected to hearts."
Jeongyeon could laugh. Shakes her head into her knees.

“I’m still not following.” Nayeon says. “I mean- do you- wait a minute.”
“An amusement park.” Jeongyeon nods. “The one on the east side of town, not super big but it was really warm that day so it was packed. And I got home and it was just. There. Bloomed. My edelweiss.”

“And the day of the surgery?” Nayeon sounds breathless, but Jeongyeon doesn’t dare look up.
“The day my mark wilted.” Jeongyeon confirms. Still can’t really wrap her head around the reality she’s sure she’s found.

“So... Jeongyeon you’re… my-“ Nayeon’s voice catches in . And Jeongyeon finally, finally looks up. Finds Nayeon’s cheeks wet and flushed and her eyes glistening. Jeongyeon shrugs.
“I mean I understand if you’d rather not- I... I was a real jerk.”

“Yeah you were. Called me selfish for loving you, as if I’m not the best thing that’s ever happened to your miserable little .” Nayeon sniffles.
“Sorry... Nayeon I really am sorry.” Jeongyeon wants to touch her.
“I know. But I think I know how you can repay me.”

“Anything.” Jeongyeon says, without thinking. And for a moment Nayeon looks like her mind has taken off in a direction set on humiliating Jeongyeon the most. But the next, her eyes are just soft and when she smiles, the edges crinkle.

“I think you should give me a proper kiss then. One where you don’t insult me or run away and then change your entire life to avoid-“
“You don’t have to step on me I’m already lying down here.” Jeongyeon mutters.
“... fair point.” Nayeon says, her face breaking in a smile.

Jeongyeon looks at her. Realizes that even if this is the start of forever, she’s still never going to get used to the overwhelming happiness radiating from Nayeon’s smile. And a part of thinks maybe that was okay. And the other realizes exactly why her mark was on her heel. The damn irony of the world.

“Well?” Nayeon asks, raising her eyebrows. It pulls Jeongyeon from her thoughts and she wonders momnentarily what the hell Nayeon is expecting her to do. Except she did actually... tell her.
“Oh...” jeongyeon mumbles.

“Don’t tell me you want to back out? It couldn’t have been that uncomfortable the first time.” Nayeon grins, shifting on the cold ground. It really wasn’t the best idea to sit here on the cold ground at the start of November.

“Wasn’t uncomfortable as much as I wanted to puke at the thought of giving you to someone else.” Jeongyeon admits, trusting her legs enough to get up, reaching down to offer Nayeon a hand as well. Feels sparks through her veins as rheir skin touched, pulling Nayeon to her feet.

“That’s a better ending to that sentence than I had feared.” Nayeon acknowledges.
“I’m not completely useless you know.” Jeongyeon says, proving a point by stepping closer, resting a hand at either side of Nayeon’s waist.

“Good to know, as I am apparently stuck with you.” Nayeon wraps her arms around Jeongyeon’s neck, and she can feel her heart trying to break her ribs.

“So... how’s your birthday going, love of my life?” Nayeon grins.
“You remember my birthday?” Jeongyeon asks, inching closer.
“You know, november first isn’t really the hardest date to remember ever.” Nayeon clicks her tongue. But she doesn’t elaborate. Just stares.

Their progress comes in waves. Always has done. Maybe always will. But as Jeongyeon leans in, catching Nayeon’s lips in a swift motion, she can’t help think, that as long as they have ‘always’, if doesn’t matter how.

 

As long as it’s Nayeon and always.

 

…

 

You will remember

When this is blown over

And everything's all by the way

When I grow older

I will be there at your side to remind you how I still love you, I still love you.

Back, hurry back,

Please, bring it back home to me because you don't know what it means to me.

Love of my life

Love of my life…