It has always been Sooyoung and I….Me and Sooyoung. We were always together, wherever she was…I was too.

I honestly can’t remember how we met. Maybe it was because our parents were friends but I do remember she lived down the block from me.

The first interaction we had I think I was probably around four and she had just turned six, I was actually at her birthday party. I would be having my birthday later that year but I don’t think we had a party.

The first thing I noticed was her smile, it was bright and beautiful. As a little four year old I automatically felt admiration towards her as we began to hang out more, she was smart and mature…I felt like I was neither. I was shy and quiet but being around her made me want to come out of my shell maybe just a little.

She would come over and we would play with my dolls and we played tag and red light green light in the backyard. I was clumsy and fell a lot and she would always rush to me and comfort me and wipe away my tears.

We had to be around seven and eight when we had our first fight. She was going away for the rest of the summer and she wanted me to stay over and I did but I was a baby, I began to cry. Her house scared me, I wanted to leave. She got mad and upset because this would be the last time she would see me all summer but couldn’t she tell this hurt me too? I didn’t want to leave but I was scared so scared of I don’t even know what…I just wanted my mom.

We didn’t speak after I went home, we didn’t speak the rest of the summer, I was more scared than when I wanted to leave…she was my only friend and she wasn’t talking to me…I thought I was going to lose her…but I didn’t…because it’s always been Sooyoung and I no matter what.

We got separated due to being a year apart, she was in middle school and I was still in elementary but we still saw each other. We hung out every day after school, she did live down the block after all. She would sleep over and we would share a bed! It was very warm and cozy, I loved sleeping next to her…it felt cold without her.

I was finally in middle school! I was so excited to be in the same school as her! We didn’t see each other much cause I was a sixth grader and she was a seventh grader, I don’t know how but Sooyoung was able to gain a reputation…she was very popular among her peers and the teachers. It almost felt wrong that I was her best friend.

She tried to introduce me to her friends! I met a girl named Haseul in a very awkward situation but she seemed to really adore Sooyoung like I did so it was okay!

It wasn’t though, I felt jealous. Sooyoung had all these great friends and I was just one of them, I didn’t feel like her best friend anymore. Sooyoung, why won’t you pay attention to me? Am I still your friend?

Sooyoung had gotten a boyfriend, it almost felt weird but I encouraged her! She didn’t seem very happy though, I wanted to know why but she wouldn’t tell me…I pushed for her to tell me and she yelled at me. This wasn’t the first time she had let her frustrations out on me, it hurt…I felt so little under her rage. Sooyoung, am I just a punching bag for you?

They broke up. I honestly felt relived but I couldn’t tell why.

I was twelve and she was thirteen now. She came to me one day with tears streaming down her face, I was so confused and worried. She spilled everything to me. That was the day I found out why Sooyoung didn’t seem happy with her boyfriend, Sooyoung had come out to me as a lesbian and her parents didn’t approve.

I had never really thought about same relationships before until now but I supported it. My best friend was a lesbian so what? I loved her all the same. It was always going to be Sooyoung and I.

Haseul and I had become better friends! She was really sweet and motherly but I still felt that tinge of jealousy when Haseul and Sooyoung touched. Hugs and holding hands between them made me feel uncomfortable, did they like each other?

I never really realized me and Sooyoung had a weird friendship until my new friend Chaewon brought it up.

“Are you and Sooyoung dating?”

I had dropped my food or whatever I was holding, I felt super flustered.

“What?! Of course not! We are just best friends, don’t think anything weird”

Chaewon had given me a very weird look, at the time I couldn’t tell what it was but now I think it was doubt.

“Best friends don’t do what you guys do”

What did we do? We hold hands and we hug that’s normal. We cuddle, spend every day we can together to the point she basically lives at my house during the summer, and we shower together, is that not normal?

Chaewon’s words stuck with me.

Sooyoung and I were having a sleepover like always and I couldn’t help but stare at Sooyoung as she removed her shirt to put on pajamas. Then Chaewon’s words came back to me and I remembered Sooyoung is a lesbian.

“Jiwoo? You’re staring”

I couldn’t help but notice the smirk on her face when I looked up, it was…attractive to say the least.

“Have you taken interest in my body, Jiwoo?”

I wished she would stop saying my name like that, I wished she would stop making suggestive comments like that…they set me ablaze and I didn’t like it.

“You wish”

That’s what I had managed to say but I had taken an interest, I couldn’t get her body out of my mind. When had her body matured that much?

“Haseul set me up on a date with her friend Kahei”

I didn’t want to hear those words, I felt my heart drop. Sooyoung, I want you to be only mine…please don’t go…it’s always Sooyoung and I…why would Haseul suggest this girl to you?

“I told her that I’m not going unless you and her come to”

I blinked a couple of times but my heart felt like it was soaring and I had butterflies in my tummy.

“It’s in a few weeks”

I ended up meeting Kahei before that, it was actually on my birthday. She was super sweet and held the door open for me. I felt bad for wanting her to leave Sooyoung alone, she didn’t deserve to be thought of as a nuisance. Kahei, I really was sorry.

We ended up going to the movies, it was a horror movie we were seeing. I felt sick, not only from the horror movie but because of Sooyoung’s arm draped over Kahei’s shoulders.

I jumped at the feeling of someone poking my arm, it was Haseul.

“Jiwoo, are you okay? You look kinda out of it”

My heart fluttered slightly, Haseul was too motherly for her own good.

“I’m fine-“

“Sooyoung, Kahei, I’m going to take Jiwoo to the bathroom”

They barely paid Haseul any attention but Haseul didn’t bother saying it again and just dragged me to the bathroom. She had me wash my face with water.

“Thank you” I had mumbled.

“You were very pale but I did want to tell you something because this is eating me up inside”

I had begun to panic slightly, what could she possibly tell me?

“I think I have feelings for Kahei”

“Oh”

It wasn’t what I was expecting, a very sick thought crossed my mind at that moment. If Haseul took Kahei away from Sooyoung, it would just be Sooyoung and I again. I knew that was wrong, so very wrong but I couldn’t help it.

“I don’t think you can act on those feelings, Haseul. I’m sorry you have to hurt because of a decision to help your friends find love. I’m here for you if you need anyone to talk to about this”

Haseul had embraced me in a hug and thanked me. Her hug was warm but not as warm as Sooyoung’s.

When we got back into the room where the movie was playing Sooyoung and Kahei weren’t there, me and Haseul had been ditched. Do we mean so little to you, Sooyoung?

I never confronted her and neither did Haseul.

Sooyoung and Kahei began to date and they looked like the happiest couple in the world. They were so affectionate and sweet it made me want to throw up but I pretended to be happy and I smiled through every hang out with them, what else could I do?

One day Sooyoung texted me and told me she was moving, I was hurt. Why didn’t she tell me sooner?

She ended up moving to her grandparents’ house which was only a half an hour away but things became shaky. I would ask her to hang out and she would make up an excuse. I would ask if I could come there and she would say her grandparents won’t let people over because her room was dirty, I decided to believe her. Why wouldn’t I? But I didn’t know I was being replaced as we spoke.

I didn’t expect those excuses to be lies, even though the signs pointed to it. She said she had homework from her new school but I checked her Instagram and saw she was hanging out with other people. She had made two friends so far Jungeun and Jinsoul, they were pretty.

I was jealous and upset.

I cried a lot.

It had been weeks since we hung out. I once texted her about how I missed her and wished we could hang out and it hurt seeing her with her new friends, I was being brave but she beat me down. She got angry and told me that she doesn’t have to hang out with me all the time and that she has other friends she barely sees and if she wants to hang out with them she will.

I didn’t understand, she hasn’t seen me for weeks…maybe even months but she is going to hang out with people she sees every day at school. I really do mean nothing to her.

Months later, still haven’t hung out with Sooyoung, I don’t even text her…what’s the point? She leaves me on read once she can’t find something to reply with. I ran into Kahei, she told me that her and Sooyoung had broken up. She seemed really uncomfortable talking about it. Haseul told me later that Sooyoung had cheated on her with a girl named, Jungeun who I automatically recognized as Sooyoung’s new friend. I was disgusted…that’s not my Sooyoung…my Sooyoung would never do that…but she wasn’t my Sooyoung.

I made a new friend! Her name is Hyejoo and she is very cute and she is a little scary but she is a huge fluff ball, she really likes to hold hands and I really like that.

It was a sudden realization at four in the morning that I was also a lesbian like Sooyoung, I realized I had never felt anything for guys. I was always nervous around girls and I would try hard to get them to like me. I came out to my mom and dad the next day, my mom was upset because she was scared for me because she knows how homouals are treated and I assured her I would be alright. My dad didn’t care but he said, “I still want Grandchildren”

It had been two whole years since I hung out with Sooyoung, it still hurt to think about her but I was better now. I was surrounded by amazing people, Haseul and Kahei were dating now and I couldn’t be happier for them. I had introduced Hyejoo to Chaewon and I could tell they hit it off super well and I was more than convinced that they had feelings for each other.

My happiness was ruined at three in the morning on a Sunday by one single text,

“Hey, we should hang out soon”

It was from Sooyoung. I broke down. I cried. My heart hurt so badly, why did you have to talk to me again? I was almost over you.

We met up, I shouldn’t have but we did.

It was fun, I missed her so damn much. As soon as I saw her smile my heart was racing, I knew what this feeling was…I finally realized that I was obviously in love with my best friend.

I mentioned Kahei and Haseul’s relationship, I shouldn’t have but I did. I watched how she went from happy to serious in a split second.

“I’m happy Kahei found someone better for her, our relationship didn’t end well”

I could tell she was being insincere and I couldn’t help but let my thoughts out, “You were selfish and cheated on her, you broke her heart”

Sooyoung seemed to be caught off guard by my harsh tone but I didn’t care.

“Yes I know I did and I regret it but me and Kahei started hanging out less and less and my feelings for her decreased along with it. I didn’t want to hurt her and break up with her but I started to get feelings for Jungeun, I didn’t mean to sleep with her. I didn’t mean to hurt her this bad, you believe me, right?”

I did, I really did believe her in that moment but when I got home I hated myself even more. I let myself believe the person who lied and hurt me the most, the girl who basically treated me like a punching bag. I was ashamed of myself.

After that we didn’t hang out or talk, I didn’t want to. I ended up having a couple girlfriends in that time frame. The first one I really loved, her name was Hyunjin, she was cute and her personality was great but she cheated on me with our friend Heejin. I finally knew how Kahei felt then when Sooyoung cheated on her. I harbored no hard feelings towards the pair, I honestly forgave her too easily. When she broke up with me I was at a Halloween party and honestly I didn’t find out she cheated on me until a whole month later. At this Halloween party is when I actually met the girl who would later become my second girlfriend, her name was Yerim and she was hyper and loud but she was really caring and she was younger than me but she made me feel like I could be wild and loud and I liked that. I did end up cutting the relationship short after I figured out I had no romantic feelings and only saw her as a sister.

It hurts to break up with someone, how do people do it? I cried the whole time I broke up with Yerim, she was really understanding though but actions speak louder than words, she ended up avoiding and ignoring me for four whole months.

We later became friends again, it was a little awkward but we are fine now.

We were all graduated from high school now, I haven’t seen Sooyoung since that day she invited me to hang out but those days without Sooyoung came to a close. I ended up running into her at a bar, I don’t even remember why I was there. I think I might have been performing, I don’t know I blanked.

I remember loud music, hot sweaty bodies everywhere, talking with Sooyoung, and then we left. We went to her apartment. The door was slammed shut from me being slammed against it, her lips were on mine, her hands were all over me, and our bodies came together.

I work up in the morning with regret, why did I let that happen?

Sooyoung was already out of the bed putting her clothes on, I sat up to look at her.

“Sooyoung, what did this mean?”

She stared at me blankly before grabbing my clothes and tossing them onto the bed next to me.

“This meant nothing”

I felt my heart shatter once more, the heart I took so much care of to build it back up was destroyed once again.

This is what Sooyoung and I have become, no, there is no Sooyoung and I anymore.

It’s just me now.