I’ve always been a Math Geek. Ever since I was a kid, I have already fancied numbers and I found it fun because everything is logical. In math, there’s always the right answer but different ways of getting there. It’s like the answer you seek is there and it’s just hidden so you work at it, struggle with it, pour your heart and blood and sweat into it. Then by the end of it, something just clicks.

Math is definitely one of the reasons why I visit the library everyday for the past four years. Well, excluding the fact that I do some of my best friend’s home work in his Math subjects in exchange for his love advices which somehow helped me as a coward in love. I’ve always been a coward. I admit that. I mean two years of loving someone from afar does sound to be cowardly, right? But I have my reasons and not one of them makes sense to me now.

September 2, 2015. That was the day when I first saw her. She pushed open the heavy swing door and went inside the college library, her face literally almost copying the tired countenance of the librarian at the help desk. It had been weeks since the semester started and all I had been busy with was solving Math problems given that I was a BS Mathematics major. So basically, I had no care for the world around me but to keep myself occupied with Math. I wouldn’t have noticed her not-so-dramatic entrance if it weren’t for her smart phone that blasted off Nell’s Stay notifying her that she’s got a call from god knows who.

Nell. An excellent choice for a rock band, I thought. I glanced back at the book I was reading but then I heard her curse out loud earning glares from the students inside the room and of course the librarian at her desk. An unusual choice of words to say inside the library.

To say that she got my attention because of that was an understatement. From that moment on, I focused on watching her. Well, from my peripheral vision.

Anger boiled deep inside her system. Her eyes were filled with fires of fury. Her knuckles were white from clenching her fist too hard. She’s mad. Mad at the person she’s spoken to on the phone. Mad at the world. Mad at the students in the library. Mad at the librarian at the help desk. Mad at her papers. Because BAM! Right through the trash bin at the corner she threw her papers just like that.

I would have stopped wasting my time watching her when she, once again, catching my attention, ruffled her bangs in a mess, inhaled and exhaled deeply, and marched to the fiction section of the library, only to find out that she opened an old children’s book which magically erased all traces of irritation, anger, and madness on her face and quickly replaced them with her smile. Her smile. She had that kind of smile that made you happy to be alive. Her smile makes the world stop around her. And before I knew it I was smiling with her too.

Two months later, I found myself telling my best friend that I was in love with someone.

“That’s great,” Woohyun told me. “How long have you been going out?”

“I’ve never even talked to her.”

It’s dumb, I know. Woohyun told me exactly that. And I understand him. But I have my reasons why. Well, first, as I have admitted, I’m a coward. And second, it could be just a mere crush. I’ve nursed my emotions by visiting the library way too often. I thought I should just stop it for once. But I never did. For more than a year, I kept ending in the library at the same seat, at the same spot, with the same intentions. And I knew deep inside, I was falling. Hard.

One particular evening I settled myself on my favourite chair, a geometry textbook laid flat on the table. I saw her from behind walking towards the children’s section once again. I was pretending to be busy working on Woohyun’s assignment. She seemed to be stressed about something, probably her exams she was blabbering about all by herself in her chair. I could tell from the look in her eyes every time I secretly catch a glimpse of her. Stuart Little. That’s her favourite. She flipped through its pages like a child fascinated with the wonders of a magical story book. I saw her lips move into a faint curve once again. It was already bliss for me but then something unexpected happened. She glanced at me and studied me for a minute or two. I wanted to hide my face in embarrassment. She must have noticed me watching her earlier. No, she must have known I’ve been stalking her for a year now. My palms became too sweaty that the paper I’m writing on seemed to be damp. So I tried to calm my nerves by doing exactly what my coward self could not do all this time – I looked at her and smiled. Then, the most unimaginable happened. She shot me back a smile that could light up the night and I was smitten.

“You’re still chickening out, hyung,” that bastard friend of mine still told me. “If I were you, I would have asked her number.”

“But we never really talked.”

“Exactly my point. Coz you’re a chicken.”

“I’m not... I’m just-“

A coward. I admit that. Didn’t I? But I had some progress, to be honest. Our little unusual exchange of smiles over the week in the library didn’t just stop with just smiling and catching glimpses of each other. Once, I tried talking to her. From afar, though... I mouthed off a quick hi and she waved at me. I was over the moon. There was also that time when I gestured if she was hungry and she gave me a thumbs up coz she’s full. So basically , we’re talking... in a very unusual way. And it was good. It felt good.

But all good things must come to an end. Well, it didn’t exactly end like we disappeared off each other’s radar. It just so happened that I had to skip going to the library for a day because I had to do something off campus. It felt horrible. It was like ending a really good drama you’ve been enjoying for a week. You had to cut it short. But not that short, because thankfully my best friend gave me a wonderful advice so as to keep this good thing going.

“Write her a note, hyung!”

“What am I supposed to tell her?”

“Everything?”

“What? But that’s-“

“Stop giving those damn lame excuses and just man up. And besides, it’s just a note.”

“It’s just a note.”

He has no idea what he’s talking about.

“It’s just a note.”

How am I supposed to give her a note?

“It’s just a note.”

I haven’t audibly talked to her. Not once. I don’t know how to address her. I mean she’s really, really beautiful and perfect. Plus there’s something about the way she smiles and the way butterflies seemed to escape from the pit of my stomach every time she tousles her hair with her fingertips and it cascades down her in mesmerizing waves and god, I’d really love to know her name and ask her out. But giving her a note... It’s just purely insane. I mean how am I going to give that to her? Put that note secretly in her bag? Ask Woohyun to give it to her?

After minutes of contemplating about Woohyun’s suggestion, it suddenly clicked. Like finding the value of x in a complicated algebraic equation, I found the answer that I needed.

Stuart Little. And just like that, I wrote her what I had been dying to tell her.

I’m off campus today. I’ve been dying to know your name ever since. I’m Kim Sunggyu.

I never regret following Woohyun’s advice because by the end of it, I got to know her name.

Jung Eunji. Her name rolled off my tongue like a marble rolling around the floor. I could not get her out of my head. I liked that it sounded so bright and refreshing. It was beautiful like a perfect piece of art.

Giving her a note was an easier thing to do. Reading between the lines was an entirely different matter. It confused me, bothered me. It kept me up at night. I was anxious if my answers to her questions were just right or if they sounded conceited. I didn’t want to scare her off. After all, I only had good intentions. There was one time when she asked me if I was mute, and I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide myself forever. But somehow, my answers sounded a bit too confident. I could not believe myself either. I found out she hated math and I commend myself for thinking positively and told her that I love math and that opposites attract. She told me it was a good point but she still hated it so I insisted that I’ll teach her how to love it. It was crazy how I kept our communication going.

But the inevitable question came up.

Well, shouldn’t we meet first?

Somehow I saw it coming. Woohyun saw it too. He actually regretted that he told me to give her a letter because he didn’t exactly wanted our conversation to be limited in exchanging small notes through an old story book in a library. He actually told me that what I was doing to Eunji was actually a disservice.

“Disservice? But why?”

“Hyung, I’m glad that you’re having little progress with this Eunji girl that you like. But come to think of it, you’re already graduating. If you keep on doing this whole loving-from-a-distance thing with her, it’ll actually be unfair for her. I mean, what happens after you graduate? Completely disappear off her radar? I mean, you can’t be doing this forever. And besides, isn’t she worth the risk? I mean it is a risk to love like what if it doesn’t work out? Ah, but what if it does?”

And he really had a good point because as much as there is truth in the saying, there are some people you’ve just got to love from a distance, Jung Eunji is definitely NOT one of them.

So that night I didn’t sleep a wink. I decided to go ahead and take the risk.

To say that I was nervous the next day was an understatement. I was lost in constructing possible scenarios in my head that I paid zero attention to any math-related questions Woohyun asked me. My breathing was rapid and shallow and I could feel my pulse pounding in my temples. I turned to Woohyun only to see the idiot smiling like he knew what was going through my head.

“Good luck, hyung. Fighting!” he whispered to me with a sly grin before pushing back his chair and striding out of the library.

Ten minutes later I found myself constantly fiddling with my knuckles as the ticking of my wrist watch seemed to get louder.

She’d be here any minute, I thought. And just like that she appeared right at the library’s entrance, pushing the heavy swing door and greeting the passing students with a smile. I suddenly was reminded of her that day, September 2, 2015, and before I knew I was grinning like an idiot. I reached out a small pad from my pocket, scribbled something onto it with my pencil, and posted it onto Stuart. I hurriedly returned the book to its original place, trying not to show how nervous I felt. I turned to her and gave her a quick smile wishing that she wouldn’t notice that I was almost in a state of panic. My heart raced when our eyes met. I swore I died a thousand times seeing her captivating smile it’s so beautiful like it was the stars themselves. Then, I waved at her telling her I’m off to my next class. It sounds crazy but it was a lie. I stayed in the library, hidden from her eyes, but close enough to watch her quietly from a distance.

Jung Eunji had that kind of understated beauty perhaps it was because she was disarmingly unaware of her prettiness. There was confidence in the way she moved. Her dark chocolate waves cascaded down her shoulders. Her white flawless skin made her beautiful pink lips stand out. She would blink her eyes from time to time, fluttering her eyelashes like the wings of a butterfly. Her ears have multiple piercings and god, they look so damn fine on her. She was wearing a simple grey shirt and a pair of skinny jeans but she was as stunning as ever. She was right there, only feet away, playfully counting like a small kid as she reached out for Stuart. Her childish antics never failed to amuse me. When she found out I asked her to search for QA538, I almost threw my head back chuckling at how disappointed she appeared. She was muttering gibberish searching for it at the computers. Thankfully, she still hasn’t noticed that I’m just right there watching her, enjoying how she effortlessly tugged at the strings of my heart. The moment she discovered that QA538 is a Math book, I thought she’d quit and walk away from the library. Fortunately, she’s quite optimistic and gave Math a chance.

Then, that moment came. I was actually watching her to see her reaction after she sees my note. What I really intended to do was to wait for her at the college lobby and officially ask her out on a date. But fate has its own ways. Because when she was reaching out for QA538 which was way beyond what she can reach, I thought I was bewitched. I thought my feet had a mind of its own because in a matter of seconds I have approached her in a few strides and by the end of it our hands met, reaching out for the same book. I don’t know what came into me but I asked her if she needed help which was actually dumb because she was obviously struggling to grab the book for a couple a minutes. When she turned to me with an annoyed tone in her voice the tumultuous thudding of my heart beat echoed in my ears. Her eyes were absolutely stunning and I felt sinking deeper into a great unknown abyss. I was falling into her and god, I would die to hear her voice again. So with my heart beating erratically, I let out a smile.

“Hi,” I greeted hoping to sound casual but there were already lions in my chest. When I gazed into the windows of her soul, looking away became unthinkable. I wanted to drown in them forever.

“Oh. Hello,” she greeted back before I gave her the book. I thought there was the sudden rosiness of her cheeks. My heart grew weak. I died a thousand deaths that day.

“I’m Sunggyu.”

“I’m Eunji,” she answered turning her head to the side to avert her gaze but the pink hues on her cheeks were giving her away. I fought to urge to smile so widely like an idiot because she was stunningly beautiful when she looks shy.

“So,” I put my thumbs into my pocket, “Do you like me to tutor you in Math or we’ll go out on a date?”

She chuckled at my question, her soft laughter reverberating through my ears like music. “Uh, am I supposed to choose only one option?”

“Not exactly,” I answered boldly holding her free hand with mine and taking the Math book from her other arm. We strode out of the library and ended up doing both.