Youngjae hasn’t spent much time thinking about soulmates. He knows all the stories, of course, knows that one day he’ll meet two people who are his perfect platonic and romantic matches, and when separated from them for more than 12 hours, depending on which one it is, he’ll feel the pain of the separation either in his head or his heart. But it’s not something he really contemplates much; it’s more like something that he accepts will happen at some point, and when it does, he’ll deal with it then.

After leaving JYP, then becoming a trainee at TS and subsequently meeting Yongguk and Himchan, he thinks about it even less. Aside from the fact that he has no time to be thinking about his love life with all the practicing he has to do, Youngjae also learns a different perspective from his new friends.

(Bang Yongguk, as it turns out, is not even remotely as intimidating as Youngjae thought he would be the first time they met. Maybe he doesseem kind of scary at first, with his deep voice and his ears lined with dangerous-looking earrings, but Youngjae gets much more familiar with him as training continues. And ultimately, Yongguk is really just a big softie with the ability to write some of the most meaningful lyrics Youngjae has ever heard and the kindest heart he’s ever known.

Kim Himchan, on the other hand, is - in a word - overwhelming. He was cast straight off the street, Youngjae knows, and it’s easy to see why because he is, frankly, intimidatingly handsome. But it’s Himchan’s captivating skill with any instrument he touches, rather than his looks, that really gets Youngjae feeling almost insecure. As Youngjae soon discovers, though, Himchan is also the kind of person who gets attachedvery quickly, and Youngjae finds himself under Himchan’s overprotective wing within mere weeks.)

They’re both four years older than Youngjae, have years of experience with different styles of music, and - as they reveal one night over a (surprisingly good) dinner prepared by Himchan - are dating each other.

“Are you soulmates?” Youngjae asks curiously, honestly not feeling as surprised as the situation probably warrants. It’s not like they’ve been very obvious about it, but still, something about the way the two older boys behave around each other makes the fact that they’re in a relationship feel almost expected.

Beside him at the table, Choi Junhong (an incredibly talented and sweet, but quite shy fourteen-year-old who raps and dances better than Youngjae could ever even dream of doing) and Moon Jongup (another timid but endearing teenager with an awe-inspiring talent and passion for dance) - the youngest members of their prospective group of five - look on with wide eyes full of fascination and wonder.

“We don’t know,” Yongguk tells him. “But we do know that we like each other a lot and want to be together.”

“So when you find your soulmates…” Youngjae trails off, unsure of how to phrase his question.

“It’s not a problem we think about too much,” Himchan explains. “If we have to deal with it someday, we will, but for now, the way we see it, a relationship is a relationship, regardless of whether the universe thinks it’s the ‘right’ one or not.”

It’s an interesting way to approach the subject of soulmates, and of course Youngjae knows that there are people in the world who don’t conform to the convention of waiting for their perfect romantic match, but he’s never met anyone like that until now. After Yongguk and Himchan’s revelation, he spends a few minutes thinking about whether he might agree with them, decides that he’ll probably just continue waiting for his soulmate signs like he’s been doing up to this point, and subsequently shunts the whole topic back to the recesses of his mind.

And life goes on as usual.

~~~

In the beginning, with only seven months left until debut, Youngjae isn’t sure how to feel about a new main vocal being added to their group. The five of them have been together for a while now, and while it might be interesting to finally be with someone his own age, Youngjae isn’t sure how the new addition will mesh with the rest of them. What if he thinks Yongguk is too intimidating or that Himchan is only there to be a pretty face? What if he thinks Jongup is too spaced out or that Junhong is too young? Or, a more serious and pressing concern, what if he turns out to be someone who doesn’t support relationships that aren’t confirmed by a soulmate sign, and he hates Yongguk and Himchan for it?

It isn’t fair, Youngjae knows, to automatically assume the worst, but he’s always been a protective friend, and he already cares very deeply about the other four members; he doesn’t want to see them hurting.

(He secretly worries about what the new member’s relationship with him might end up being like too. They’ll be about the same age, yes, but what if he finds Youngjae too plain, too boring, or maybe too snarky and bossy to be friends with him? It’s not like Youngjae is overly insecure, but he knows himself well enough to be aware that he’s not always the easiest person to get along with.)

It’s also hard not to take the whole situation at least a little personally. Youngjae doesn’t necessarily think his singing voice is wildly spectacular, but he does like to think that presumably, he managed to earn a place as a trainee in not one, but two different entertainment companies for a reason - so why wasn’t he good enough this time? What does Jung Daehyun’s voice have that his own doesn’t?

(After hearing Daehyun sing for the first time, Youngjae finds that in fact, he understands perfectly why TS had jumped at the opportunity to add him to the lineup.

Yongguk tells him later, reassuringly, that it isn’t that Daehyun’s voice is better than his; they both have unique and beautiful voices, and they’ll both be valuable to the group. Youngjae appreciates that, but he also doesn’t really feel any shame in admitting that personally, he thinks Daehyun’s voice outshines that of maybe every vocalist he’s ever heard.)

Then there’s the process of actually getting to know him. And one thing becomes strikingly clear almost immediately: Daehyun is easily the most annoying person Youngjae has ever met. He laughs too loudly, and he can afford to eat more than the rest of them - despite the strict diet plan TS has set for the group - because he seemingly never puts on weight, and he just never stops talking. Youngjae can list reason upon reason why Daehyun is exactly the kind of person he’s never liked - and yet.

The thing is, Daehyun might objectively be Youngjae’s least favorite kind of person, but getting to know him on a personal level reveals that he’s also impossible to hate. He might laugh too loudly, but it’s such an infectious laugh that it’s hard not to laugh along with him. He might be able to eat an unfair amount, but even after confessing that he hates sharing food with others, he always tries to offer the rest of them a portion of whatever he’s snacking on, even if their diet plan means that it has to be a small one. He might never stop talking, but Youngjae has never once felt bored around him.

And so, within mere weeks and in a twist that Youngjae could never have anticipated, Daehyun ends up becoming Youngjae’s best friend.

~~~

If Youngjae thought life during training was hard, life after debut is somehow worse. It’s exciting - of course it is, because performing on a stage in front of people has been his dream for as long as he can remember - but it’s also not at all what he imagined. Watching everything he eats, living in what essentially equates to one room with five other boys, having no contact with his family or friends outside of the company: it’s not quite what he had pictured for his life.

They all give up their phones because TS asks them to (but it’s really more like TS told them to, Youngjae thinks, because “ask” implies that they were given a choice). The official reasoning is that they’ll be able to focus on practicing without getting distracted, but personally, Youngjae isn’t sure that’s a reasonable justification for taking away their primary means of communication with the other people in their lives. Still, there isn’t much they can do about it, given that every aspect of their lives is so heavily monitored, so they do what they have to and take it in stride.

And it’s not like everything is terrible, either. They have fun together, even though it can get exhausting sometimes. The variety show appearances, the constant filming for music videos, the countless dance practices, the endless promotions for every comeback: it’s a never-ending stream of activity that leaves little time for leisure activities or even sleeping, let alone dating or finding soulmates, but being together makes it easier.

Youngjae loves that he has Yongguk to talk to when he’s feeling restless and needs to be calmed down, Himchan to fuss over him when he’s feeling down or unwell, Daehyun to mess around and joke with any time he wants, Jongup to watch anime with on the company-provided group iPad during car rides, Junhong to baby when he’s in a cuddling mood. He’s actually lucky, Youngjae thinks, all things considered. He could have been put with people he doesn’t get along well with or people who he doesn’t feel close to, but instead, by some of luck (or maybe even fate), he got five people who he easily considers to be his best friends, who he can barely imagine life without anymore.

So no, idol life isn’t easy, not by a long shot. But if finding a new family is part of the deal, then maybe it isn’t so bad after all.

~~~

One Shot is the era that changes things. Their popularity has been steadily increasing as it is, but with this comeback, people really start noticing them. Granted, it also means they have to work harder than ever, but every time he hears the fanchants as they perform, louder and louder with each new day, Youngjae doesn’t mind it so much.

On the other hand, it’s a little tough, because for the first time since debut, the six of them aren’t together. Himchan’s absence does put somewhat of a damper on their moods as they come to realize just how incomplete the group feels without him. (Yongguk, of course, does his best to keep things going like normal, but the truth is, while Yongguk may be their leader, Himchan’s role in their affectionately-termed “parent line” is just as important.)

Youngjae feels more pressure than ever too, because out of all the members, he’s the one chosen to take over Himchan’s lines during their performances. And yes, he’s a main vocal, but he can’t help but think he’s going to be inadequate anyway. There’s just no way he can ever capture the deep, rough quality of Himchan’s voice that sets it apart from the rest.

As it turns out, though, the situation that unfolds around them ends up making up for their difficulties.

Daehyun is the one to bring it up, sitting next to Youngjae on their way to their scheduled practice. “Youngjae,” he whispers, nudging Youngjae in the side. “I just thought of something.”

“Hmm?” Youngjae tears his gaze away from the streets outside and turns to face Daehyun instead.

“We’re going to be away from Himchan-hyung for more than twelve hours for the first time today,” Daehyun says, clearly trying to keep his voice down. “What if his soulmates are part of the group?” He looks quite excited at the prospect.

Youngjae stares at Daehyun in surprise. He hadn’t thought of it before, but now that Daehyun has mentioned it, the possibility of a soulmate reveal feels more tangible than it’s ever felt. “Yeah, I guess there is a chance of it happening.” He pauses for a moment before quietly confessing, “I hope Yongguk-hyung is his romantic one.” He knows Yongguk and Himchan have said that it doesn’t matter to them, but in his mind, they’re so good together that surely even the universe agrees.

“Me too,” Daehyun says, sending him a small grin. “They’re kind of perfect for each other.”

Youngjae is more aware than usual of himself and his surroundings for the rest of the day. He doesn’t think it’s very likely that he and Himchan are either kind of soulmate (though it is possible, he supposes. He wouldn’t even necessarily be opposed to it, except for how he definitely would only want the platonic title because Himchan and Yongguk are the ideal couple, and honestly, how could the universe possibly think Youngjae is a better romantic match for Himchan anyway?), so he mostly focuses on the other members, trying to figure out if any of them seem to be in any kind of pain.

Daehyun, ever his partner in crime, notices immediately, and the two of them spend the entirety of practice watching the other members and making faces at each other in the mirror to communicate. Neither of them really know exactly how long it’s been since they were last with Himchan; all they know is that with every passing second, their anticipation builds as the time draws closer and closer to 12 hours.

And it’s easier to figure out than they expected it to be, in the end.

Of all the members, Yongguk and Jongup are tied in terms of how probable it is for them to complain about potential injuries - that is to say, neither of them is even remotely likely to bring it up, ever, no matter how much they might be suffering. It’s a source of constant annoyance and worry for the other four members, which is why they’ve all gotten exceptionally good at spotting the few but telling signs that the two quietest members are trying to mask their pain.

So of course Youngjae and Daehyun’s practiced eyes and ears catch the ever-so-slight discomfort on Jongup’s face and the nearly imperceptible shakiness in Yongguk’s breathing right away.

“It’s them,” Youngjae whispers to Daehyun on the ride back to the dorm, feeling irrationally excited about it. “It has to be.”

“I know,” Daehyun replies, his voice low but gleeful. “Do you think they’ve figured it out yet?”

“Maybe,” Youngjae says thoughtfully as he watches Junhong furrow his eyebrows in concern when Jongup uncharacteristically declines to play a game with him on the iPad. “I guess we’ll find out when we get back to the dorm, right?”

They do their absolute best to appear like they’re not eavesdropping when Junhong frowns deeply at Jongup and asks, “Hyung, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine, Junhongie,” Jongup says quietly. “It’s just a little headache. Nothing serious.”

“Headache.” Youngjae hits Daehyun’s arm in excitement. “Jonguppie’s his platonic soulmate!” And it really makes sense, because the members have always joked about Jongup being Himchan’s “favorite child” - it seems that the universe caught on too.

Daehyun’s eyes light up. “So that means Yongguk-hyung is his romantic soulmate!” They grin at each other delightedly, and Youngjae is honestly surprised at how invested he is - he’s barely felt so much as a tremor of interest when it comes to his own soulmates - but then again, Daehyun is practically vibrating with excitement next to him, and there’s something infectious about it.

The five of them make their way into the dorm as fast as they can once the van pulls up at the building, Daehyun and Youngjae leading the way and Yongguk bringing up the rear as he typically does. They’re greeted by the sight of Himchan sitting on their couch, looking thoroughly put out. Upon seeing them walk in, though, his expression brightens a bit. “You’re back!”

“I didn’t think you’d miss us so much, hyung,” Youngjae says cheekily, because he honestly missed Himchan more than he thought he would, too.

“I missed everyone besides you,” Himchan replies without missing a beat, his smile ruining the effect of his words.

“You missed me most, though, right?” Daehyun sidles up next to Youngjae and grins at Himchan, who rolls his eyes fondly.

“Stop hogging the attention, you two. Let me see the maknaes,” he says, playfully waving Daehyun and Youngjae to the side.

“Hi Himchan-hyung,” Junhong says dutifully.

“You look skinnier already, Junhong,” Himchan fusses. “Did Yongguk feed you all properly? Do I need to make more food? Jonguppie, come closer - oh.” He stops abruptly when his eyes meet Jongup’s. Daehyun tugs at Youngjae’s sleeve pointedly and Youngjae exchanges an excited look with him as discreetly as he can.

“Hyung?” Jongup asks tentatively. “Are you okay?”

Himchan is still staring at Jongup in awe. “Jonguppie, you - I think you cured my headache.”

Junhong his head curiously, and Youngjae can practically see the dots connecting in his mind. “You just had a headache too, hyung? Jonguppie-hyung has one.”

“You have a headache? Why didn’t you say anything earlier?” Himchan demands, immediately snapping into overprotective mode as he looks at Jongup intently.

“It’s gone now,” Jongup says, unconcerned. “It still kind of hurts, but not as much. And it only started a little while ago.”

“I guess you cured each other’s headaches, then,” Yongguk points out with a quiet smile. His breathing has already evened out slightly, Youngjae notes, probably from being in the same room as Himchan again.

“Come on, just realize what it means!” Daehyun groans, quietly enough that only Youngjae can hear him. Youngjae has to agree with him - the big reveal is taking way too long.

“You mean we both had seemingly random headaches that started not that long ago and suddenly hurt less without any kind of explanation?” Himchan shifts his gaze from Yongguk back to Jongup, his eyes alight with amazement. “Jongup, we must be soulmates!”

“Really?” Jongup blinks a few times. “Oh, my headache is gone now.”

“Come here, give me a hug!” Himchan uses his good arm to pull Jongup into his embrace. Youngjae has to stifle a laugh at how Jongup almost immediately gives up on trying to fight it, allowing Himchan to manhandle him into a hug. There’s a little smile on his face, though, giving away the fact that he doesn’t completely hate the position he’s in. (He might even like it.)

“Let him breathe, Himchannie,” Yongguk says softly, his gaze full of affection and amusement as he watches them.

“You.” Himchan narrows his eyes at Yongguk, his acute awareness of everything related to his boyfriend finally making an appearance as he lets Jongup go. (Jongup grabs Junhong’s hand and they sneak away as fast as they can, which isn’t surprising: now that Jongup’s headache is gone, Youngjae is sure they’ll be up playing the game from earlier.) “You were in pain before too. Don’t lie, I saw you.”

“It was nothing,” Yongguk mumbles, automatically sheepish at being caught. Youngjae realizes that this is probably their cue to leave as well, so he takes Daehyun by the sleeve and pulls him into the hallway so they can hide. Once they’re sure they won’t be spotted, they peek out from behind the wall and continue listening, buzzing with curiosity and anticipation.

Himchan’s gaze doesn’t waver as he reaches out to grab Yongguk’s hand and tug him closer. “Out of curiosity, Bbang, was your heart hurting as much as mine was until you walked in?”

It’s almost magical, Youngjae thinks, watching the realization slowly strike Yongguk. “I-I guess it was.”

“Seems like we ended up doing what the universe wanted after all,” Himchan says amusedly. “So much for outsmarting fate and all that.”

“Well, at least we were still kind of one step ahead,” Yongguk reasons, smiling gently as he sits next to Himchan. “Maybe the universe saw how good we are together and decided nothing could top our relationship.”

“Well, are you going to kiss your soulmate for the first time now that you know who it is?” Himchan asks with a smirk.

“As if I haven’t kissed you a thousand times already,” Yongguk says, shaking his head fondly but leaning in anyway.

“They’re really sweet, aren’t they?” Daehyun whispers in Youngjae’s ear. Youngjae, startled by the unexpected proximity, jumps a little, but Daehyun doesn’t seem to notice his momentary panic, entirely engrossed in the scene before them. “They must be so happy.”

“Yeah,” Youngjae manages to reply, trying to ignore the fact that he’s suddenly hyper-aware of Daehyun’s chest pressed against his back, his chin practically on Youngjae's shoulder. “They deserve it.”

“They do,” Daehyun sighs happily. “And Jonguppie too.”

“Him too,” Youngjae agrees, and he means every word he’s said. It’s crazy to think that three of his friends had their lives change in a major way today, but there’s no doubt in his mind that the universe made the right choices - they just make sense.

Yongguk and Himchan’s conversation has died down at this point and has instead evolved into them exchanging kisses on the couch. Youngjae, for all his previous curiosity, has no interest in watching them now (it’s a bit too much like watching his parents kiss), and apparently neither does Daehyun, because it’s only silent for a few seconds before he speaks again. “Hey, let’s see if we can get the iPad from the maknaes and play a game before we sleep.”

Youngjae turns around and nods, watching as a victorious smile forms on Daehyun’s lips. It makes Youngjae smile back almost instinctively. “Okay. I’ll race you!”

(And the weird, fleeting feelings Youngjae experienced moments ago are forgotten as Youngjae races Daehyun to his room, both of them giggling brightly, energized by the happiness of their friends.)

~~~

“Do you ever think about what our lives would have been like if we weren’t idols?” Daehyun asks him one night as they lie in their hotel room, exhausted from their concert earlier that evening but buzzing with too much adrenaline to sleep. (Over the course of the tour, they’ve found themselves in this state pretty frequently, and late-night talks have become something like a tradition for them.)

“Sometimes,” Youngjae replies after a moment of reflection. “It’s kind of hard to imagine, though.”

He can hear Daehyun shifting in his bed a bit and knows he’s probably lying on his side to face Youngjae. “Being an idol was always your dream?”

Youngjae turns onto his side too and shakes his head. “Nah, my dream was just to be a singer. I never imagined being part of a group or anything like that.” He laughs a little to himself. “Especially not one that does the kind of dances that we do.”

“Yeah, that was kind of a shock,” Daehyun says with a grin. “But after everything, I think I’m glad things turned out the way they did.”

“I think so too,” Youngjae agrees. “It’s definitely not what I expected. For some reason, I never really imagined that I would become so close to the members, but here we are. It feels like we’re a family, almost.” He eyes Daehyun teasingly. “Even you aren’t always annoying to be around.”

“Thanks,” Daehyun scoffs, and the amusement in his voice reassures Youngjae that Daehyun knows he’s joking. After a short pause, he continues, “Do you think we would’ve ended up being friends anyway?”

Youngjae considers it for a moment, weighing his words carefully. “I mean. We probably wouldn’t have ever met each other. We would be living on opposite ends of the country, right?”

Daehyun is quiet for a moment, his expression unreadable. “Yeah, but maybe we would’ve ended up meeting anyway, somehow. Maybe we were meant to be friends.”

“Now you sound like you’re talking about soulmates,” Youngjae says, unsure of why he suddenly feels almost nervous.

“Well,” Daehyun says softly, his voice so quiet that Youngjae isn’t sure he’s meant to hear it. “It’s not like we’ve had the opportunity to find out. For all we know, we could be.”

Youngjae swallows. “I guess so.” He clears his throat, because suddenly there’s only one question plaguing his mind. “So you haven’t found either of your soulmates yet?”

“No,” Daehyun replies easily. “But I don’t mind waiting. It’ll be worth it in the end.” He sighs almost dreamily. “There’s something beautiful about it, isn’t there? Your platonic life partner and your perfect romantic match exist and they’re out there in the world right now, wondering who you are too.” And Youngjae finds that he’s not really surprised that Daehyun is the kind of person who believes wholeheartedly in the concept of soulmates; aside from his obvious interest when Himchan’s soulmates were found, something about his personality just makes him seem like the type.

“Yeah, it is nice,” Youngjae murmurs, deciding not to bring up his own underwhelming interest in the idea, at least when it comes to himself. Daehyun is clearly very passionate and excited about this, and Youngjae might be less enthused, but he isn’t about to ruin it for his friend. “I haven’t found mine yet, either.”

“We’re in the same position, then.” The room is dark except for the moonlight streaming in through the window, but Daehyun’s smile is still visible and for some reason, Youngjae can’t tear his eyes away. “One day we’ll find them, Youngjae, and it’ll be the best moment of our lives.” He sounds so sure of himself that Youngjae can’t help but believe him.

Neither of them says anything else after that, and Youngjae is left to drift to sleep wondering why all of a sudden, he can’t think about the word “soulmate” without thinking of Daehyun too.

~~~

Two years after debut, B.A.P gets its first-ever music show win, and the group is, of course, ecstatic about it. The six of them squeeze onto their tiny couch that night, haphazardly seated on top of each other. Youngjae places himself partially on Junhong’s lap and Jongup’s head winds up on his left shoulder. Youngjae’s hand rests on top of the hand Yongguk has on Himchan’s legs because Himchan’s feet have somehow found their way on top of Youngjae’s thighs, and Youngjae’s free hand is entwined with Daehyun’s. It’s completely cramped, entirely impractical, but they don’t move from that arrangement as they watch themselves perform and receive their trophy.

In these moments, Youngjae has never loved s more. And he knows that his two soulmates are somewhere out there in the world, but personally, he thinks he’s already found five people who match him better than anyone else ever could.

~~~

Youngjae is, in a broad sense of the word, happy. Travelling the world, performing on stages in countries he’s barely heard of before, having experiences most people only dream of - he knows he’s lucky he can have all that, and he’s immeasurably grateful for it.

But as with most things, it all comes with a steep price.

Their norm is going days without proper rest, never staying in one place too long, constantly coming and going from one schedule to the next, having little to no time for leisure unless the cameras are rolling. (Youngjae doesn’t have a problem with the cameras, really, but their presence means that the members have to uphold their images, and even if they aren’t too far off from their actual personalities, it always makes the experiences feel a little less genuine.)

The truth is, it’s becoming disturbingly easy to force a smile and lie for their fans. Everything has to appear perfect, and they’re nothing if not experts at faking it. The fans can’t know, but for Youngjae, it’s hard to ignore Himchan’s borderline obsession with dieting to prevent himself from gaining weight despite being unhealthily skinny and Daehyun’s incessant attempts to make his skin look lighter than it is even though he looks so much nicer with his natural, healthy tan glow.

This is what the industry is; Youngjae understands that. He isn’t even necessarily indignant about the circumstances, not yet anyway. But it’s hard to stay optimistic about their situation when they’re being worked to the point of exhaustion without much to show for it. They’ve gotten some wins, yes, but they’re not seeing the monetary compensation from TS that their growing success should warrant.

He’s not quite at the point of complaining just yet - but maybe he is starting to get a little worried.

~~~

“Youngjae,” Daehyun repeats for the nth time. “Youngjae. Youngjae. Youngjae.”

“What?” Youngjae finally snaps, pausing his game and looking up in exasperation. He’s been trying to ignore Daehyun’s relentless pleas for attention for a good portion of the last half hour, determined to beat the level he’s been stuck on for a while. His hair is probably a mess from the number of times he’s run his hands through it in frustration, and his face feels a little flushed from how intently he’s been focusing.

That’s why the look on Daehyun’s face is nothing like what he’s expecting. Typically, Daehyun’s incessant pestering means that he’s in a playful mood, and Youngjae’s less-than-stellar appearance has certainly been a cause for teasing in the past. Right now, though, Daehyun’s expression is far from mischievous. There’s an indescribable emotion in his eyes, a softness in his gaze that has Youngjae’s initial annoyance evaporating on the spot. Youngjae almost feels a little self-conscious, warmth spreading from his face to his whole body. “What is it?” he asks again, his voice softer this time.

Daehyun is quiet for a moment, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Nothing,” he finally says.

Youngjae narrows his eyes at him. “You better have a more satisfactory excuse for interrupting my game than ‘nothing,’ Jung Daehyun.”

Daehyun lets out a little laugh, his eyes full of amusement and something else. “God, Youngjae, I’m so in love with you.” And - oh.

Youngjae can count the number of times that he’s been rendered truly speechless in his life on one hand, and the one thing they all have in common is Daehyun. Daehyun, who, despite all the factors working against him, managed to worm his way into the role of Youngjae’s best friend. Daehyun, who’s a romantic at heart and has spent his whole life waiting to find his soulmate. Daehyun, who fell in love with Youngjae anyway. Daehyun, who Youngjae is in love with too.

Expressing his emotions has never been Youngjae’s strong suit, but this moment feels too important for him to brush it off with his usual sarcasm or teasing. He struggles to come up with something, anything to say. “I -”

“You should see how flustered you look right now, you’re so cute,” Daehyun cuts him off, and yeah, Youngjae loves him, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to wipe the smirk off Daehyun’s face right now.

“Do you have to ruin every moment?” Youngjae demands. “Here I am, trying to take this seriously, and you’re messing with me, as usual.”

“I’m not,” Daehyun denies. “I was being serious. You are cute. And I am actually in love with you.”

“Great,” Youngjae grumbles, already giving up on offering Daehyun a thoughtful reply. (Then again, they’re Daehyun and Youngjae, and they’ve always been like this, and maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel weird that they’ve managed to turn even a genuine love confession into their usual lighthearted bickering.) “So we’re in love or whatever. That doesn’t make you less annoying.”

“Oh, we’re in love?” Daehyun ignores Youngjae’s tone and jumps on his word choice, just as Youngjae knew he would. “I always knew you couldn’t resist my charms.”

“What charms? You’re insufferable,” Youngjae says, crossing his arms in an attempt to look like he means it.

Daehyun doesn’t even bat an eyelash, his grin lighting up his features in a truly captivating way. “Weird, because I was just reliably informed that you’re in love with me.”

Youngjae rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling too, because Daehyun’s happiness is nothing if not absolutely infectious. He manages to hold out for a few seconds longer before he finally gives in. “Okay, maybe a little, I guess.” He holds Daehyun’s gaze for a moment before a sobering thought lodges itself in his mind. “But Daehyun...what about your soulmate?”

“Funny you should mention that because, well, it’s kind of related to how I realized how I feel about you,” Daehyun says, looking quite unashamed to admit it. “I was just sitting around one day, thinking about what I would want my soulmate to be like. And after noticing that my list of traits included things like ‘smart’ and ‘cute’ and ‘snarky’ and ‘an amazing singer’ and ‘my best friend’ and ‘named Yoo Youngjae,’ I figured that maybe my subconscious was trying to tell me something.”

“Wow, good deduction,” Youngjae says, because that’s easier than expressing how good it is to hear that Daehyun is just as hooked on him as he is on Daehyun.

Daehyun laughs, and his expression is soft as he takes in the look on Youngjae’s face. “The point is, finding my soulmate was important to me, but somewhere along the way, you became even more important than that.”

“So then...” Youngjae bites his lip. “What happens if we find our soulmates and we aren’t each other’s?”

“We can deal with it like Yongguk-hyung and Himchan-hyung did before,” Daehyun suggests. “Just don’t think about it. I can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else, so why even bother worrying until we have to?” His eyes glint playfully. “Imagine if we turned out to be platonic soulmates or something, though. How funny would that be? Friendzoned by the universe.”

Youngjae can’t help the amused snort of laughter that escapes him, even as he shakes his head in disbelief. “You’re ridiculous,” he says, his voice filled with affection.

Rationally, he knows that if a day does ever come where they’re faced with that scenario, “funny” will hardly be the right word to describe the situation. But right now, sitting closer to Daehyun on the couch than before, feeling the warmth of Daehyun’s arm settled around his shoulders and Daehyun’s fingers loosely entangled with his own, and secure in the knowledge that he loves Daehyun and Daehyun loves him back, Youngjae thinks for now, he can live with this. And maybe they’ll be all right.

~~~

Despite the moments of happiness, despite the blossoming feelings he and Daehyun have just started exploring together, things go more downhill than Youngjae ever thought possible.

Yeah, things are okay, Youngjae texts his parents from the iPad (one of the only ways they can keep in contact). We’re just really busy with recording, but everything’s fine. It hurts, knowing that it’s a complete lie.

They’re exhausted, underfed, overworked, underpaid, unhappy. Youngjae can see it in the anger in Yongguk’s eyes and Himchan’s fierce protectiveness, in Jongup’s increasingly frequent periods of complete silence and Junhong’s forced smiles, in the unpleasant hardness in Daehyun’s gaze and his own lack of motivation to do anything. Things aren’t okay. And he knows the others know it too, especially the eldest two, even though they’re trying their hardest to act normally for the sake of the younger members.

He overhears a hushed conversation between Yongguk and Himchan in their living room one night as he’s trying to sneak out of the kitchen after getting a glass of water, long after they’re all supposed to taking advantage of their limited free time to get as much sleep as they possibly can (but even with Daehyun’s arms wrapped securely around him, it’s so hard to sleep when worry is gnawing away at him all night).

“It’s getting ridiculous,” Yongguk sighs, and Youngjae’s heart clenches at how tired, how defeated he sounds. “I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this.”

“I know,” Himchan murmurs, and he sounds just as exhausted as Yongguk. “I know. That’s why I think we need to sit down and talk to the kids about this.”

“I don’t know, Himchan,” Yongguk says tiredly, and Youngjae can hear the frustration seeping into his words. “They’re still so young, and this is their dream. I can’t - I don’t want to be the one to take it away from them.”

“They’re suffering too,” Himchan reminds him, not unkindly. “I don’t want to ruin their dreams any more than you do, but think of their health. They’re barely eating, barely sleeping. Daehyun’s complaining about his throat all the time, and Junhong is burning himself out trying to keep up with work and school, and they’re tired, Yongguk.”

“What are we supposed to do, then?” Yongguk whispers, and there’s fear, uncertainty in his voice. It’s jarring, because Yongguk has always been the pillar of the group, and Youngjae has never heard him sound like this before. “It’s an impossible situation, Himchan. Maybe if it were just the two of us, it would be easier. We could just - walk away.” Yongguk’s words chill Youngjae to his core. He knows things are tough right now, but would Yongguk really consider...leaving?

“No,” Himchan says firmly. “No, Yongguk. You know we wouldn’t walk away even if it were just the two of us, and we’re not walking away now. I promise you, once we talk to the kids, we’ll figure something out. They’re young, but they’re not stupid.”

Yongguk takes a deep breath. “You’re right. Of course you’re right. You know I wouldn’t - I would never -”

Youngjae hears a soft, sad laugh before Himchan replies, “I know. Of course I know you’d never do that to us.” There’s something fascinating about listening to the way they interact, Youngjae thinks. In this moment, hearing the quiet, confident way they give each other reassurance, Youngjae is sure he’s never seen a pair of people who fit together as well as they do. The universe has undoubtedly been cruel to the six of them, but it was absolutely right when it deemed Yongguk and Himchan to be made for each other.

“I just - I love them. I love all of you. And - and I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I’m the reason everyone has to give up on this,” Yongguk confesses. Youngjae knows, in the rational part of his mind, that it’s only natural that Yongguk is just as insecure as - maybe even more than - the rest of them, but it doesn’t mean he has to like it. And the truth is, he hates seeing Yongguk like this: their fearless leader, vulnerable and full of fear.

“You won’t be,” Himchan promises. “We love you too, Bbang, so much. But the two of us need to talk to them about it. Whatever we decide, we’ll do it as six.”

“Okay,” Yongguk agrees, his voice a little muffled, and Youngjae catches a glimpse of Yongguk’s face buried in Himchan’s shoulder and Himchan’s tight hold on Yongguk as he sneaks back towards the bedroom. “Okay.”

It isn’t until Youngjae is in his bed, gazing at Jongup’s sleeping form in the neighboring bed, feeling the warmth of Daehyun curled up beside him, that he realizes he’s crying.

~~~

Fate truly has decided that the story of B.A.P isn’t meant to be a happy one, Youngjae thinks.

Just a few weeks ago, Daehyun had been healthy enough to tell Youngjae he’s in love with him. Now he’s on a hospital bed with an IV drip in his wrist, debilitated by exhaustion. But that, apparently, is not enough.

“He’s performing,” they’re told by one of the higher-ups over the phone. “Both he and Himchan will have to be there.”

“Daehyun just passed out because he was so overworked,” Yongguk spits out. “Himchan is so sick he can barely move. They can’t perform.” Youngjae has never seen him be this angry or loud. It’s a little terrifying.

“They’ll have to,” is the only reply they get. “The show isn’t going to be cancelled because two idols are feeling a little under the weather. I’m sure you understand that we have to do whatever is in the best interest of the company.” The sickly sweet voice grates against Youngjae’s nerves.

“A little under the weather?” Yongguk repeats, his voice icy. “They’re going to collapse on stage.”

“Well, Himchan certainly might. He can stay backstage,” comes the dismissive reply, the tone suggesting that the concession has less to do with the fact that Himchan is sick to the point of immobility and more to do with the belief that he’s generally incompetent. Youngjae feels nauseous. Yongguk looks absolutely livid at the implication.

“Daehyun can’t perform either,” Youngjae finally speaks up, his voice trembling even as he tries to convince himself to keep talking. For Daehyunnie, for Himchan-hyung. Be strong, Youngjae. “He’s hospitalized because of overexertion, you can’t make him work even more.”

Expectedly, his pleas are disregarded entirely, the voice too polite to be genuine as it responds. “We just don’t have a choice here. The company is relying on you.” And slamming the final nail in the coffin, the voice plows relentlessly on. “After all, you do want your group to be successful, don’t you?”

It’s absolutely infuriating, because they know they’re being manipulated and taken advantage of, but there’s nothing they can say, because of course they want success. Of course they want some tangible proof that everything they’ve suffered through has been worth it.

Youngjae can see Yongguk shaking in silent rage, Jongup’s furrowed eyebrows not enough to soften him, Junhong’s hand gripping his shoulder doing nothing to soothe him. Himchan’s absence is profound in this moment, but it’s unclear whether even he would be able to calm Yongguk down at a time like this.

And Youngjae can only sit at Daehyun’s side, holding Daehyun’s free hand and imploring, begging, pleading with whatever forces are out there for this to end.

~~~

November 27, 2014:

This isn’t the end.

They say it to their fans, to their families, to each other. But is it true?

(Be careful what you wish for, Youngjae thinks miserably as the six of them sit huddled together in silence on the living room floor. He wanted it all to end, yes. But not like this.)

~~~

They file a lawsuit - all six of them, together.

After that, it’s chaos. They get their phones back, finally, but then they realize they can’t stay in the dorm, not when it’s being provided by the company they’re suing. In other words, for the first time in years, they have to separate.

Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things Youngjae has ever done. He can’t believe that for an indeterminate amount of time, things are going to be completely different. He won’t have Himchan’s cooking or coddling to pretend to hate but secretly look forward to, won’t have Jongup to talk about his favorite shows and movies with, won’t stumble across Yongguk working on a new song in the living room at 3 in the morning, won’t be able to kiss Junhong’s cheeks whenever he feels like it or help him with his schoolwork, won’t wake up to Daehyun’s bright smile or his sweet good-morning kisses.

And logically, he knows it shouldn’t be as difficult as it is. This isn’t the last time he’s going to see them, not by a long shot. He’ll still be able to call any of them whenever he wants, and they’ve already made plans to meet up whenever they can. But it stings anyway.

It stings so much, in fact, that he doesn’t even notice that he’s actually feeling physical pain.

It’s only a dull ache at first, in his head and his heart, imperceptible enough to be brushed off as a symptom of the emotional stress induced by being apart from his second family. When the pain only sharpens to an almost debilitating degree with time, though, Youngjae begins to think that maybe something is wrong.

A day after Youngjae has moved back into his parents’ house, the members’ newly-created group chat comes to life.

Junhongie<3: hey anyone else feeling kinda...really sick

Himchannie-hyung<3: you’re feeling sick?!!? did you take medicine??

Jonguppie<3: my chest has been hurting a lot

Himchannie-hyung<3: both of you?? of course this would happen as soon as i can’t do anything about it -_-

Daehyunnie<33: u too?? my head and chest hurt SO much i think its soulmate signs

Youngjae inhales sharply at that. It never crossed his mind that the pain might be related to soulmates, but now, hearing that the others (and Daehyun, specifically, which makes his heart rate speed up because this could be the moment of truth for their relationship, couldn’t it?) are experiencing the same thing he is, he’s sure that’s exactly what the cause is. Part of him is a little incredulous that in all the years they’ve been together, they’ve never been apart for more than 12 hours until today, but there’s no point lingering on that now, so he quickly informs the group that he’s feeling the pain too.

Daehyunnie<33: all 3 of us? :o

Junhongie<3: my head and chest too :(

Yonggukkie-hyung<3: my head has been hurting too

Daehyunnie<33: so all of us have soulmate signs???

Junhongie<3: how can we tell whos who if we’re all in pain :(

Himchannie-hyung<3: i think we need to video chat

Yonggukkie-hyung<3: himchannie is right

Daehyunnie<33: i’ll call everyone rn

This is weird, Youngjae thinks as he stares at the five familiar faces on his laptop screen. He says so out loud, and he’s met with a fond smile from Yongguk, giggles from Junhong and Jongup, and loud agreement from Daehyun and Himchan. He’s reminded that even though it’s only been a day, he already misses them all terribly. On the bright side, though, his pain has reduced considerably, confirming that his soulmates are both right in front of him. The question is, who are they?

“So,” Himchan says lightly, “everyone here except for me is in pain?”

“No need to rub it in our faces that you already know who yours are,” Daehyun pouts.

“I think he was just stating facts,” Yongguk says with an amused smile. “But getting back to the main issue, how should we do this?”

“Well, we know that only me, Daehyun, and Junhong have both kinds of pain,” Youngjae says thoughtfully. “Yongguk-hyung only has a headache and Jongup only has it in his chest. So we know they aren’t each other’s.”

“So mine could be Daehyun-hyung or Junhongie or -” Jongup breaks off suddenly in the middle of his sentence. Youngjae thinks he can already guess what the reason is. “Wait. I-It just went away. Right after I said...” He trails off, his camera indicating that his eyes are locked on one person in particular.

“Me,” Junhong finishes quietly. “Mine went away too. Jonguppie-hyung...”

“We’re...soulmates,” Jongup says slowly. As the maknaes stare at each other (presumably - it’s hard to tell through the screen) in shock, absorbing this new revelation, Youngjae glances at the faces of the older three members and isn’t surprised to find Yongguk and Himchan smiling fondly and Daehyun practically glowing with excitement.

And then it hits him - the only two left with their hearts hurting are him and Daehyun. Which means -

“Youngjae,” Daehyun says softly, and suddenly, Youngjae can only see him, can only hear him, can only comprehend one thought: Daehyun is my soulmate.

“Daehyun,” Youngjae breathes as the pain in his heart fades into nothing. “It’s you.” Vaguely, he registers Himchan’s triumphant “I knew it,” and Yongguk’s quiet sigh of contentment, but Youngjae is only capable of gazing at Daehyun in wonder and disbelief.

“It’s me,” Daehyun agrees, sounding as giddy as Youngjae feels. “It’s us.” Even through a laptop screen, Daehyun’s smile looks positively radiant. A memory flashes through Youngjae’s mind, an image of Daehyun smiling at him in a darkened hotel room, telling him that the day they found their soulmates would be the best moment of their lives. These are hardly the circumstances Youngjae imagined - the two of them being hundreds of miles apart and in danger of everything they’ve worked for being torn to shreds - but Daehyun had still been right.

“Do you two need a moment?” Himchan asks, looking amused.

“We can talk later,” Youngjae says quickly, because it’s embarrassing enough that he’s sitting here blushing at the knowledge that the boy he’s already dating is also his soulmate, and as much as he loves the others, having an audience as he and Daehyun talk about their relationship isn’t exactly the most appealing concept.

“We will,” Daehyun promises, and Youngjae feels like all the air has been knocked out of his lungs when he sees the adoring look Daehyun sends him. It’s unlike him, but Youngjae tries his best to return that look, because now that even the universe has given its approval, he can’t be bothered to act like he’s not completely and utterly whipped for his boyfriend.

“Okay,” Junhong finally says, breaking his prolonged silence though his voice is a little shaky. “So Jonguppie-hyung is my r-romantic soulmate and Daehyun-hyung is Youngjae-hyung’s. All that’s left is our headaches.” He shifts in his seat a little, and Youngjae can see his eyes flickering to the spot on his screen where Yongguk’s face is positioned. It’s not a surprise, really, that Junhong would want Yongguk to be his platonic soulmate. But unfortunately -

“Well, Youngjae probably can’t be my platonic one too,” Daehyun reasons, “so mine must be either you or Yongguk-hyung.”

“Oh,” Yongguk says, jolting slightly when Daehyun says his name. “It really just disappears immediately.”

Daehyun’s face, somehow, lights up even more brightly than it had already been. “We’re platonic soulmates, hyung!”

“So you’re mine, Junhongie,” Youngjae says carefully, and the last of his pain finally melts away. He’s personally quite delighted - Junhong is like his baby brother, one of the people he cares about most in the world and loves very dearly - but Junhong might be the tiniest bit disappointed about his not being Yongguk. And sure enough, Junhong’s smile is genuine as he acknowledges Youngjae’s words, but Youngjae knows him well enough to catch the minuscule hint of sadness in his expression.

Yongguk apparently sees it too (no surprise there, either), because he clears his throat and looks meaningfully into his camera; it makes Youngjae feel like Yongguk really is there with him. “Everyone just remember that even though now we all know who the universe thinks is our ‘perfect’ match, it doesn’t diminish the importance of the other relationships in our lives. Every friendship you’ve made up to this point is still as important as it was before. The universe may say that you fit a little better with someone, but that doesn’t mean you don’t fit well with anyone else. You can still define your own relationships and how meaningful they are to you.”

They all dutifully nod in agreement, Junhong looking much more reassured now, before Himchan, apparently feeling a little left out, decides to change the topic by complaining about something his sister did when he reached home.

As the six of them relax into a regular conversation, Youngjae feels more at ease than he has in a while. Of course he wishes they were all together in person, because then Junhong and Jongup could do more than blush shyly at each other through their cameras, and Daehyun could hug Yongguk the way he clearly wants to, and Youngjae could wrap himself around Junhong and not let go for a while, and then he and Daehyun could go hide away in the bedroom for a few hours to celebrate the new development in their relationship. For now, though, he’s happy with what he can get.

Their future is still uncertain, but the events of the day have proven that their stories have always been meant to intertwine, and that more than anything gives Youngjae hope that together, they’ll get through it all.

(Fate hasn’t always been kind to them, but it knew what it was doing when it brought the six of them together.)

~~~

Three days after they’ve all gone their separate ways, three days after every aspect of their lives has been shaken completely, Youngjae gets a call from Jongup.

“Hyung, can I talk to you?” Jongup asks him, his quiet voice almost impossible to hear through the speaker of Youngjae’s phone. Youngjae is used to Jongup’s low speaking voice, though, and deciphering Jongup’s words comes naturally to him by now.

“Of course,” Youngjae says immediately. “Is something wrong?”

“It’s about, um,” Jongup mumbles, sounding hesitant. “It’s about Junhong.”

Youngjae blinks, surprised. Jongup wanting to talk about the whole soulmate situation doesn’t exactly come as a shock, but it is a little unexpected that he would choose Youngjae to talk to when Himchan seems like the more obvious choice. “Oh. Okay. What’s up?”

“Junhong’s my soulmate,” Jongup starts, and he sounds a little anxious.

“Yeah,” Youngjae agrees tentatively. “He is.”

“I’m not in love with him,” Jongup says, and Youngjae realizes why Jongup seems so nervous. “I’ve never - it’s never even occurred to me to think of him like that.”

“Jonguppie,” Youngjae says soothingly. “It’s okay. You’re both really young. It’s understandable that you just see each other as friends.”

“He’s my best friend, hyung,” Jongup says sadly. “I don’t want things to be weird now.”

“They won’t be,” Youngjae assures him, and it doesn’t feel like a lie. He knows the two boys very well by this point, and he would confidently bet money that Junhong is in a similar state of mind right now. “This one thing doesn’t mean you can’t still be best friends.”

“Is it weird for you and Daehyun-hyung?” Jongup asks. Youngjae suddenly thinks he understands why Jongup wanted to talk to him instead of anyone else.

“It’s a little different in our case,” Youngjae reminds him, feeling apologetic that he can’t be of more help. “We liked each other before.” Jongup lets out a dejected sigh. Youngjae’s heart clenches, and then he’s speaking again, determined to make Jongup feel better. “But Jongup, we are still best friends, before anything else.”

“So me and Junhongie could be like that too?” Jongup’s voice is uncertain, and Youngjae profusely wishes they were talking face-to-face, because then pulling Jongup into a tight hug would be a viable option instead of just a futile desire.

“Definitely,” Youngjae says determinedly. “If you want to know the truth, I know Yongguk-hyung talked a lot about us not relying on the universe to decide our relationships for us, but I have a different interpretation of it.”

“What is it?” Jongup presses, sounding genuinely curious to know.

Youngjae smiles even though he knows Jongup can’t see him. “I don’t think the point of the soulmate signs is to try and force you into a relationship you don’t want. I think it’s more like the universe is showing you who you would work best with, as long as you’re both willing to put the effort into trying.” He pauses for a moment to catch his breath before continuing, “And I don’t think it’s really a thing where your soulmate ‘completes’ you or anything, either. I think the main, most important thing is that your soulmate complements you really well, and being with them helps both of you be the best versions of yourselves.”

“Like...you become each other’s strength?” Jongup asks.

“Yeah, kind of like that,” Youngjae agrees. “The way I see it, you can both still be strong and capable by yourselves, but you match each other in a way that benefits both of you. It’s clearly true for Yongguk-hyung and Himchan-hyung, and I think it’s true for me and Daehyunnie, and well, to be honest, you and Junhongie have always worked well together, haven’t you? I think that’s what the universe wanted you to see.”

“I guess we have,” Jongup says slowly, like realization is dawning upon him.

“It’s not like you have to start dating him right this second or anything,” Youngjae continues. “In fact, you probably shouldn’t, since he only just turned eighteen and Himchan-hyung might kill you, platonic soulmate or not.” It gets a laugh out of Jongup, and Youngjae feels irrationally pleased with himself. “But maybe consider that in the future, your friendship could develop into something more, and it’ll be good for both of you.”

Jongup exhales. “That makes sense. I think...maybe I should talk to him too.”

“That’s a good idea,” Youngjae says approvingly, feeling a little rush of pride at Jongup’s maturity. “And you can always come to me again if you need to.”

“I will,” Jongup promises. “Well, I should probably go. I was supposed to call Junhongie anyway, there’s this game we’re both in the middle of playing. But thank you for talking to me about this, hyung.”

“It’s nothing,” Youngjae replies, because it’s true. Jongup, similar to Junhong, is like the little brother Youngjae never had, and Youngjae would genuinely do anything for him. “I’m happy to help.”

“I’ll see - I mean, talk to you later, then,” Jongup says, stumbling over the slip-up, the subtle word choice that reminds them both of the situation they’re in, that has Youngjae’s heart breaking all over again. One word really makes all the difference.

“Love you, Jonguppie,” Youngjae says instinctively, even though it’s not something he says often. “Call when you can, okay?”

“Of course I will, hyung,” Jongup says, and Youngjae can hear the sincerity in his voice. “And thank you again.” He doesn’t say I love you too, because he’s Jongup and it’s just not like him to do that, but Youngjae can hear it, knows it’s implied anyway.

And it hasn’t even been a week yet, but his chest feels constricted from how much he misses Jongup (and all of them) already.

~~~

Youngjae finds himself listening to “Unbreakable” a lot these days. He closes his eyes, takes in Yongguk’s powerful lyrics, and wonders if their leader had somehow known, all the way back then, that the universe wouldn’t be kind to them.

~~~

In hindsight, Youngjae thinks maybe he should have seen this coming, should have tried to do something, anything, to stop it before it happened. (He actually couldn’t have, really, and rationally he knows that, but Daehyun is his boyfriend and his soulmate so he can’t help but blame himself anyway.)

Daehyun has always worn his emotions on his sleeve, has always had such a big heart and so much love to give, has always loved so deeply and openly and unapologetically. Those traits have always been some of the things Youngjae loves most about him, but they’re also dangerous: he cares so much, too much. The hiatus has taken a toll on all of them, but it’s been particularly damaging for Daehyun.

Two and a half months have passed since the day their worlds all crumbled around them, but it still feels fresh in Youngjae’s mind because every time he calls Daehyun, his boyfriend’s words are heavy with uncertainty, desperation, and - most worryingly - alcohol. And Youngjae has been saving up since the hiatus started so he can make a trip to Busan to visit Daehyun for a decent amount of time, but right now, he’s helpless to do anything but listen to Daehyun slowly self-destruct.

“You know it breaks my heart to see you like this, Daehyun,” Youngjae tells him on a particularly bad night, his voice strained. “It hurts me to know that you’re suffering this much.” And I can’t do anything to help.

“What’s the point?” Daehyun asks, his words worryingly slurred. “What is the point in trying? How do we know things are ever gonna get better?”

“Things will get better,” Youngjae says numbly, reciting what he’s told himself over and over in his head in the hope that he’ll start to believe it. “We have to have faith in ourselves and in the group. We’re going to be okay.” It feels like their roles are reversed: usually, Daehyun is the one bubbling with optimism while Youngjae has always been a little more cynical, but right now, Youngjae knows he needs to step up and be strong, be the voice of reason, for both their sakes.

“I’m tired, Youngjae,” Daehyun says, and Youngjae’s blood runs cold because he knows Daehyun isn’t just talking about wanting to sleep. His heart aches worse than when he found out Daehyun is his soulmate. “I’m tired of living like this.” Youngjae clings to those last two words like a lifeline - no words can capture how relieved he is that Daehyun didn’t end his sentence before adding them on.

“Just hold onto us, Daehyunnie,” he whispers, closing his eyes and feeling the unwanted warmth of tears sliding down his cheeks. “Please. Hold onto us. We love you so much, I love you so much.” He’s mostly babbling, saying anything that comes to his mind, but he means every word, hopes that everything he’s saying will make Daehyun see how valuable he is. “We won’t let you fall. We’ll never let you fall.”

(After that conversation, Daehyun disappears for almost a week, doesn’t pick up Youngjae’s calls or answer his texts. Youngjae is starting to seriously panic, when late one night he receives a text. The message contains no words, just an image that Youngjae opens with shaky hands and bated breath. It’s a picture of the word “HOLD” tattooed in block capitals on Daehyun’s wrist, the same wrist that wore the bandage for the IV drip all those months ago.

Youngjae exhales. His eyes are damp.

i love you, he texts back, instead of saying any of the many things he wants to say to Daehyun. (But maybe that’s okay. Maybe he’s captured everything that needs to be said in those three words alone.)

He gets a reply within a minute.

From: Daehyunnie<33

i love you too

forever

And for the first time in what feels like years, Youngjae smiles.)

~~~

It doesn’t happen immediately, but under Youngjae’s watchful supervision (through texting and Skype calls, because they have to make do), Daehyun slowly moves along the path to recovery. By the time Youngjae finally makes his trip to Busan, Daehyun is able to pick him up, looking tired and more worse for wear than Youngjae would have liked, but still in significantly better shape than he had been just weeks ago.

They spend a lot of time inside at first, filling the hours with quiet conversation and soft music in the background (and a lot of kissing - it’s been months since they were last together and Youngjae isn’t ashamed to admit that he really, really missed his boyfriend’s touch. He thinks it’s understandable that they’re both much clingier than usual). As the days pass and Daehyun’s state steadily improves, though, they start venturing out to walk through the streets and eat at a few restaurants that Daehyun likes.

By the end of Youngjae’s visit, Daehyun is looking happier and healthier than he has in a while, and with that in mind, saying goodbye when Youngjae has to finally return to Seoul doesn’t hurt quite as much.

~~~

Once Youngjae is back at his parents’ house, he and Daehyun start a routine of calling each other every night. They miss each other a lot, of course, but it’s gotten to the point where Youngjae just wants (needs?) to hear Daehyun’s voice before he goes to sleep.

“Did you listen to Yongguk-hyung’s new song?” Daehyun asks softly on the day Yongguk releases his first solo music video. It’s a fairly harmless question, in theory at least, which is why the intensity of the emotions that surge up inside him just from being reminded about the song catches Youngjae a little off-guard.

“Yeah,” he manages to say, trying not to let any tears fall the way they did when he heard Yongguk’s words for the first time. “Yeah, I did.”

Daehyun is quiet for a moment. “You cried, didn’t you?”

“You did, too.” He doesn’t give Daehyun a straight answer because really, he doesn’t need to. Since before they knew they were fated for each other, Daehyun has always had a particular way of seeing right through Youngjae.

“Of course I did,” Daehyun murmurs, and he sounds so sad. Youngjae wants to scream and cry and destroy the people responsible for making Daehyun sound like this, for making Yongguk feel the need to write a song like the one he did in the first place. (But the people responsible are TS Entertainment, and all any of them can really do is wait this lawsuit out and hope something good comes out of it.)

Youngjae is quiet for a few moments before speaking again. “Did - have you talked to him recently?”

Daehyun sighs. “I’ve tried calling him but he hasn’t been picking up.” His voice trembles a little as he continues, and Youngjae knows how painful it must be for Daehyun to not have the communication he wants, needs to have with his soulmate. “After everything he said in the song, I got really scared that he had, you know, done something. It was terrifying. I was ready to show up at his house just to make sure he was okay.”

“H-he didn’t do anything, right?” Youngjae is almost too afraid to ask. He’s sure that if something actually had happened, he would have been informed by now, but he’s still petrified that Daehyun’s answer might be exactly what he doesn’t want to hear, exactly what he can’t handle hearing.

“No,” Daehyun reassures him hastily. “No, I called Himchan-hyung, and he said they’ve been talking. Not as much as he’d like, but enough that he knows nothing has happened.”

“Okay,” Youngjae whispers, tears of relief prickling at the corners of his eyes. “Okay.” He takes a calming breath and wills himself to continue the conversation. “How’s Himchan-hyung dealing with everything?” (It’s only been a few days since Youngjae last contacted Himchan, but he needs to know.)

“He’s - he’s sad,” Daehyun says quietly. And Youngjae understands what he means, knows that “sad” doesn’t even encapsulate the half of it, that no words could ever really express the overwhelming panic, the profound devastation that Himchan must have felt when he heard the pain, the poison in the love of his life’s words.

(After all, it’s still fresh in Youngjae’s mind, how he had barely been able to hold up when it was Daehyun he was watching fall apart in front of him. He isn’t sure how either them would have been able to cope, had it been Daehyun in his place, trying to glue Youngjae back together.)

They’re so strong, Youngjae thinks. Yongguk for waking up every day and pushing forward despite his reality involving a constant battle against his own mind, and Himchan for doing whatever he can to help Yongguk persevere even though it must break him to see Yongguk like this. But neither of them should have to be as strong as they are, Youngjae thinks bitterly. They don’t deserve this. No one does.

~~~

If listening to Yongguk’s song was difficult, listening to Junhong’s when it’s released the next month is almost impossible. Youngjae closes his eyes and absorbs the lyrics and is reminded by the ache in his chest that Junhong, for all the hardships he’s suffered through, is only eighteen years old.

He calls Junhong right afterwards, because he knows the restlessness in his mind won’t go away until he checks up on the boy who - even without the universe telling him so - is the closest thing he has to a younger brother, and makes sure he’s okay. “Hi Youngjae-hyung,” Junhong greets him, and even though Youngjae talks to Junhong on the phone pretty frequently, hearing Junhong’s voice still never fails to put a smile on his face.

“Hi Junhongie,” he replies fondly. “Congratulations on your song.”

“Thank you,” Junhong says bashfully. “I think it came out well.”

“It came out amazing,” Youngjae tells him truthfully. He hesitates for a second, before carefully adding, “The lyrics were really...intense.”

“There are just a lot of bad things that have happened to us,” Junhong explains. Youngjae hates that it’s such an understatement, hates that Junhong is so desensitized to it that his tone is almost nonchalant. “So I wanted to talk about it. Especially after Yonggukkie-hyung’s song.”

“Junhongie,” Youngjae whispers after a long pause, wishing as he always does that they were talking in person. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why are you sorry, hyung?” Junhong asks, and Youngjae knows exactly what Junhong’s expression looks like, can vividly picture the innocent puzzlement written all over his face.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t protect you from this,” Youngjae says quietly.

“It’s not your fault, hyung,” Junhong says immediately. He sounds so convinced of it, so unshakably certain, that Youngjae feels a bit like crying. “It’s not any of your faults. You’ve always taken good care of me. It’s because of all of you that I even had the confidence to make a song like this.”

“I bet Yongguk-hyung is really proud of you,” Youngjae says, because it’s true. Yongguk dotes on Junhong just as much as Junhong idolizes Yongguk, and there’s no doubt in Youngjae’s mind that their leader is furious about what Junhong has had to go through, but is also bursting with pride. So Youngjae says it, knowing that Junhong will be happy to hear the praise. But Junhong, contrary to what Youngjae expects, remains silent. “Junhongie? Are you still there?”

“I’m here,” Junhong confirms hastily.

Youngjae furrows his eyebrows, even though he knows Junhong can’t see him. “Why’d you go quiet?”

“Because,” Junhong says, his voice a little shy, “I’m glad you think Yongguk-hyung would be proud, but - I want to know if you’re proud, hyung.”

And Youngjae is a little stunned at that. “I - of course I’m proud of you, Junhongie. I’m always proud of you.” He means it with all his heart, too: there’s never been a time in all the years he’s known Junhong that he hasn’t been completely in awe of the younger boy.

“Thank you,” Junhong says softly, and Youngjae’s heart floods with warmth. “I love you, hyung.”

“I love you too,” Youngjae replies automatically, because he needs Junhong to know it’s irrefutably true. “Always.”

~~~

It’s an odd feeling, returning to the studio after nearly a year of being away. It’s an even odder feeling, finally being in the same place, the same room, as the five people Youngjae has missed more than he could ever describe, without having to worry about when the next time they’ll be able to meet like this will be.

In the beginning, there’s a flurry of hugs and kisses and greetings and conversations as they all try to catch up. They met up as often as they could during the lawsuit, obviously, but now that things are a little more certain, it feels like there’s so much more to share and so much more time to do so.

The atmosphere is different too, in the dorm, in the studio, in the air around them. Where there was once frustration, anger, exhaustion, there’s now determination, optimism, purpose. And they fall into a routine that’s familiar, but still new and undoubtedly better.

Yongguk writes several songs, including, in Youngjae’s opinion, one of his best ever, about how the six of them are strongest together. The other songs are important too, Youngjae knows, because they capture all the turbulent, scary emotions they felt before and during their prolonged break, but also the happiness they feel now. Though all their songs have had strong messages in the past thanks to their leader, Youngjae has no doubt that this album will be their most meaningful yet.

Meanwhile, Junhong and Jongup disappear for hours at a time to work on choreographing the dance for the comeback song, and even though they obviously are working hard, the other members tease them constantly for “making excuses” to have a little alone time. (Youngjae almost accidentally walks in on the two of them late one night in the practice room, Jongup on his tippy-toes as they share the softest of kisses -almost, because it’s far too sweet for him to actually interrupt, and he purposely stops himself from walking in. He does, however, ask Junhong one evening how things are going between him and his soulmate, and Junhong’s instantaneous transformation into a blushing, stuttering mess tells Youngjae everything he needs to know.)

Later on, Daehyun goes on King of Mask Singer, and Youngjae might be biased, but he thinks Daehyun outshines everyone else despite not winning. When Daehyun cries afterwards, overwhelmed by the rush of finally, finally, returning to the stage, Youngjae secretly cries too, feeling so unbearably proud of him.

And all six of them write a song together, too. It’s the first time they’ve all gotten so involved in creating a song for an album, but they feel that they owe it not just to their fans, but to themselves, to prove that they really are back, that this really is a new era for them.

When they perform “Young, Wild & Free” for the first time, five of them cling to Daehyun’s wrist as he starts singing (because, as Youngjae promised all those months ago, they’ll never let him fall), the same wrist that bears the tattoo demonstrating Daehyun’s strength - all of their strengths, really.

It feels a lot like a statement, a defiant display to everyone who doubted or dismissed them: against all odds, their team came back.

~~~

November 27, 2015:

B.A.P, congratulations!

They receive their first win exactly a year after the day that changed everything, standing in front of a crowd of fans that’s so much larger than they imagined it would be.

(That night feels like 1004 era all over again, all six of them piled on top of each other as they watch their victorious return on TV. And even after everything they’ve experienced in the past year, Youngjae can’t imagine being happier than he is right now, cuddled together with the five people he loves most in the world.)

~~~

Things run smoothly for a while, but of course, Youngjae thinks resignedly to himself, that can’t last forever.

Yongguk’s mental health plummets suddenly, without warning, and they’re all left scrambling, trying to do something, anything, to help. To their surprise, TS actually lets Yongguk rest, allows him to see a therapist (Youngjae hopes with all his heart it’ll help, although he really isn’t sure, given their society’s attitude towards mental health - who knows how qualified this therapist is, anyway?), and they’re left on their own to promote as five.

They’re all extremely concerned, of course. Daehyun rambles to Youngjae about it frequently - how he feels helpless, how he wants to be able to do something because he loves Yongguk, because Yongguk is his role model and his brother and his soulmate - but the only thing Youngjae can really offer him is the comfort of his embrace. Junhong can often be found staring into space with a little frown on his face, and in those moments (at least on the occasions that Jongup doesn’t get there first), Youngjae sits in silence next to him with his hand placed gently on top of Junhong’s and lets Junhong’s head find his shoulder. But Himchan, understandably, is affected the most, which is why Youngjae is so impressed by how well Himchan hides his worry as he steps up to take his boyfriend’s place as the leader. Not for the first time (and it probably won’t be the last, either) Youngjae is in awe of how strong s are.

Everything they win during their five-member promotions and awards season is dedicated to Yongguk. And that’s simply because everything they win is always, always for all six of them.

~~~

Nothing has ever come easy for them, so it’s not even surprising, really, that as Yongguk makes his triumphant return, another twist is thrown their way.

It’s tragic, because Himchan has always been so admired, so loved by the other members, has always been perfect in their eyes, but unfortunately, he doesn’t always see himself in the same light. They all know about his needless self-consciousness when it comes to his weight, especially with the pressure that’s always put on him to diet by the company and even during interviews, but it’s gone too far this time.

They manage to promote all together for a bit, but when it gets to be too much, Yongguk puts his foot down.

It’s the closest thing to an actual argument that Youngjae has ever seen the eldest two members engage in. He and the other three pretend to disappear when Yongguk and Himchan start going back and forth in the middle of the living room of the dorm that only Youngjae, Himchan, and Jongup still live in. (They don’t actually disappear of course; they’re just hiding and carefully listening in.)

“Himchan, I know we wanted this to be us finally coming back together, but I can’t see you suffer like this,” Yongguk says, his voice soft but unrelenting. He’s made Himchan sit on the couch, his watchful eyes not missing the way Himchan had been wincing in pain the whole ride to the dorm.

“Yongguk -” Himchan tries to argue back, but Yongguk doesn’t let him.

“Please,” he whispers. “I know how hard it was for you when I was in your place.”

Himchan sighs, bowing his head. “I know.”

“I need you to take care of yourself, Himchannie,” Yongguk says, pleading slightly. “And the kids do too. We love you, and we’re so worried about you.”

“I know,” Himchan repeats, and the frustration in his voice breaks Youngjae’s heart. Beside him, Jongup sighs quietly, and Junhong squeezes his hand comfortingly.

“It’s okay if you’re not strong all the time,” Yongguk murmurs, sitting down next to Himchan. “I know that better than anyone, now. You were so strong for me, and now it’s my turn to do it for you.” Himchan just nods, accepting Yongguk’s warm, cautious embrace.

And Yongguk is, as expected, true to his word, because he’s always been the best leader they could ask for. Youngjae and the others are acutely aware that Yongguk is still recovering though, so he and Daehyun do what they can to lighten the weight on Yongguk’s shoulders. They successfully get through the promotion period, because they always manage somehow, but it’s still a little off.

For Youngjae, it proves exactly what he’s always believed: when even one of them is missing, they’re incomplete. All of them need each other.

~~~

Youngjae is happy. They all are; that’s how “Honeymoon” ended up coming into existence in the first place. And neither he nor the other members necessarily need wins or recognition to continue being happy. But he can’t help tearing up a little onstage anyway when it’s not their name that’s called, can’t deny that there’s something bitter about finally promoting as a complete group again and not getting at least one win.

~~~

The higher-ups call all the members except Yongguk into a meeting, and even before walking in, they already know what the issue at hand is: Yongguk’s contract. “We would really like it if he stayed,” they’re told. “We were hoping you five could talk to him.”

“Oh, believe me, we will,” Himchan tells them sweetly. Youngjae has to bite back a snicker at how relieved management looks, at how desperate they are.

“Wonderful, we look forward to speaking with you and Yongguk again soon.” The underlying assumption, of course, is that the five of them also want Yongguk to stay, which is, admittedly, not untrue. But at the same time -

“Yongguk,” Himchan says sharply once they’ve all gathered in Youngjae, Himchan, and Jongup’s apartment. “We have to talk to you about your contract.”

“Himchan,” Yongguk says, looking a little nervous. “Look, I’m still -”

“Listen to me,” Himchan interrupts, and Yongguk snaps his mouth shut immediately. “If you actually do something as stupid as renewing your contract, I will genuinely lose my mind.” As Yongguk gapes at him, speechless, Youngjae exchanges an amused look with Daehyun. It’s unsurprising that Himchan would take such a dramatic stance, but the situation is still quite entertaining.

Yongguk blinks a few times. “But -”

“Hyung.” Daehyun is the one to cut in this time. “You know we love you a lot. So you have to know that even though we’ll hate not having you there, we’d much rather you be happy, away from this company.”

“All of you feel this way?” Yongguk eyes them carefully, his gaze lingering on Junhong in particular.

“Of course,” Junhong says without hesitation. “Your health and happiness will always come first, hyung.”

“We didn’t go through everything we did just for you to continue suffering here,” Youngjae says matter-of-factly. “We don’t want you to stay trapped here when it’s obviously not what you want.”

“Yes, but.” Yongguk shifts in his seat. “I don’t want to leave all of you just like that, either. I don’t want to - to turn my back on you.” And Youngjae is reminded the conversation he overheard between Yongguk and Himchan years ago, before the lawsuit, when Yongguk had been worried about exactly the same thing he’s worried about now. Today, though, the situation isn’t quite what it used to be.

“We know you’re not,” Jongup speaks up next. “None of us think you are, hyung, we promise.”

“It’s the best choice for you, Yongguk,” Himchan says patiently, squeezing his hand gently. “And I think you know that.”

Yongguk nods slowly. “I mean...I do know that. And - you’re really all okay with it?”

“One hundred percent,” Daehyun confirms, stretching and draping an arm lazily around Youngjae’s shoulders. “You have all our approvals.” (Youngjae rolls his eyes at Daehyun’s antics to make his words seem more nonchalant, but leans closer anyway.)

“Okay,” Yongguk says quietly. He looks around at all of them again - Jongup, with his head in Junhong’s lap and his feet in Himchan’s; Junhong, with his fingers threaded through Jongup’s hair; Youngjae, leaning against Junhong’s legs and nestled into Daehyun’s side on the floor; Daehyun, with one hand drumming absentmindedly on Himchan’s leg and the other arm around Youngjae; and finally at Himchan, sitting across from him, holding his hand and gazing at him fondly - and takes a deep breath. “I’m not going to renew it.”

And they all smile.

(They know it won’t be long until they join him. After all, the universe may think each of them only has two soulmates, but they know the truth: they really all have five.)