Fan signs were usually easy. They were a way for me to interact with our fans in most docile of ways, chatting for a few minutes with each one, signing our printed photobooks, trying on cute pins and taking the random selfie; all the while messing around with my bandmates as we enticed cries of cuteness from the crowd. It was a simple procedure; smile wave and act natural. But today, I couldn’t seem to focus on simple. My stomach felt like it was on fire, my clothes- albeit a simple sweater and my favourite jeans were itching against my skin, my hair, looked like a mess and I tried my best to run my shaky hand through it in the rear view mirror- hoping to pipe down its frizz. Perhaps I shouldn’t have scarfed down five of Kyungsoo’s buttery pancakes with extra syrup this morning, the sugar was definitely getting to me.

‘’Would you stop sighing already Jonginie…we’re almost there.’’ Said my manager, his eyes trained on the busy streets of Seoul. The inexpressibly loud grunt that had left my lips did well to capture his attention. However it wasn’t aimed at me, rather at the double chocolate chip muffin that lay nestled in the cup holder. My belly leached as I watched the icing sugar whisper its way on to his trimmed moustache- the white dust lacing the corners of his face. I was never eating pancakes again. The timer on the signal counted backwards from sixty and I fidgeted in leather seats, powerless against the futile nerves.

‘’I think I am going to be sick.’’ I murmured, unable to tear my eyes from the zebra crossing in front of me. The sickening feeling in my abdomen had only gotten worse with time, and the angry grey clouds looming over us did well to depict my irascibility.

‘’You’ll be fine Jongin… we’ll be there in no time.’’ He said, pressing onto the gas. I grunted in frustration- the restlessness encasing every breath I took. I couldn’t wait to get out of the damned SUV. My thoughts- boggled as they were- seized to a halt in my mind. A particular flash of white having caught my attention as it raced across the stripes on the road.

Her hair was intricately threaded into a long braid, and it sashayed against her waist as she ran the length in an awkward ensemble of skips and hops- eager to make her way to the other side. I scoffed at the unexpected intrusion, a cuss perched at the tip of my tongue as I saw her bow her head in my direction- an apology for disturbing traffic. It wasn’t a long interruption, but it allowed me to watch her face; her lips pulled between her teeth, eyebrows knitted in concentration as she struggled to angle her round glasses on her nose all the while attempting to run as fast as she could.

How cute.

Maybe the disruption wasn’t that unwelcome, I thought, the rumbling of my stomach agreeing to the statement as it decided to remain quiet for the remainder of the journey.

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‘’Oh my gosh! You’re late! This is the most important event of our life and you’re late!’’ My best friend screamed anger, her voice doing well to scare my ear drums. I tried to brush down the crinkles in my skirt, arranging the bobby pins in my head so as to salvage the decorum of my braid. ’’And I can’t believe you wore that...’’ She continued her rant- accessorising it with hand movements depicting her annoyance at the white doctor’s coat which was tucked rather messily into my bag.

‘’I am sorry okay. He said I could have the day off but you know how he is…emailed me last night talking about how I needed to be at a patient referral by 5…I’ll have to take the subway back, there’s no time to get changed Woo…’’ I replied pleading at her with my eyes. Ji woo was an absolute angel on her good days and a little demon on the bad ones, her wallet was full of currency and it was the sole reason why she always pined to be loved. The money allowed her to have friends. Friends that only wished for her to buy them the latest Gucci dress or new Prada handbag- none that understood how much she craved for emotional understanding. My nonchalance for all things materialistic had struck her as nothing short of a miracle and we had been glued at the hip ever since our first year at university. She had been the reason I was standing here in the first place, her constant encouragement for me to accompany her to ‘’an extremely important’’ meeting had left me baffled for the a few months after I received my first pay check. The important event had been an upcoming EXO fan sign- the perfect way to commemorate our successful graduation and my recent employment.

‘’You need to quit your job. Leave him. Live with me babe…it’ll be perfect!’’ she said, winking in my direction. Our handmade ‘’We <3 EXO’’ poster lay in her lap, laminated and coloured to perfection and I stared at our handiwork in awe. It was happening, finally. I’d finally get to meet the man whose face decorated the corner of my bedroom wall- arguably the best corner in whole apartment. Byun Baekhyun. In all his flesh and beautiful glory.

30 minutes later, the considerable gathering of almost 150 women, dressed in their best clothes- rose off of the handy plastic chairs in unison. Screaming and waving their light sticks in the well-lit room- each one chanting similar phrases. Although, Ji Woo on the other hand took to shouting into my ears instead. ‘’They’re here! Quick! Get in line! We need to be first!’’

It was almost frightening really, how I could talk to these men- blabber incoherently as their ever smiling faces looked at me from their printed A5 selves- but I wasn’t able to lift my head and look at them as they stood in all reality right in front of me. Shyness seeped through my skin and I felt my blood heat up.

‘’They look wonderful…I can’t even breathe…look at Jongdae! I am actually dying right now!’’ Ji Woo pulled at my sleeves, unable to peel her eyes from her bias and I tr