"Notice the people who make an effort to stay on your life"

I first saw him in a fast food chain, I didn't know that time that we are working in the same company. He is eating with his friend and his smile make his eyes nearly close like what they call an Eye smile.

I don't know his name at that time but there's something on him that make me smile and feel that there are butterflies inside my stomach. That's when I realized that I like him.

My name is Minhyun, some people say that i don't look like a gay specially when I'm serious and silent but my friends know how crazy and loud I am.

I have past relationship but never in my life i felt this way towards someone, That I know for sure that I really like him.

I always see him maybe at random time but all I can do is to look at him secretly. His so cute whenever he smile even with his serious face. 

I want to know who he was and which department he is working on, I want to know his name and where he lives. Those things.

There's this time that I went home late as me and my Friends wanted to eat after our shift. I didn't know that he was there and when I already settled. I saw him, right in front of me.

I played it cool as I don't want him to think that I'm weird. So I put my earphones on and played some music and althrough the journey I maange to catch a glance of him sometimes we meet in the eyes but I easily looked away as I can feel myself blushing or sometimes I pretend that I'm browsing my facebook just so I could smile at my hearts content but I knew that it is him that made me smile.

Time flies and it's the same routine waiting for him to pass by, whenever I see i just stare at him. No doubt I can feel what they called Love. I know its too early to say this but I haven't felt it to my past relationship.

Months fly so fast but still I dunno his name. Until I met this girl her name is Nana. Nana is part of the company and also a religous group within the company. I was fond of her and we immediately click but I didn't know she was friend with my crush. I didn't say any word to Nana but at one point in time I saw her waiting outside the company's door.

"Hey, who are you waiting?" I ask while waving at her.

"Just my friends," Nana said and smile "Where are they!" She grunt while she get her phone and texted someone "How about you?"

"Waiting for my friends as well" I said and just smile then brought out my phone.

I dunno how many minutes I'ved waited until I heard someone said "Hey" thought it was for me but when I looked at the person behind me I saw him! My crush!

"What took you so long?!" Nana asked calmly "oh! By the way this is my friend Minhyun, Minhyun I'd like you to meet my friends. Baekho, Sunny and Umji"

I smiled at that point cause I already knew his name, he is no longer a mystery to me and I'm glad that Nana and me are friends on one of my sns.

I hide what I truely feel at that time. I bow down and smile and he smile back as well.

"Okay we'll go now, take care Minhyun" Nana and his friends waved and walked away but I still look at them and saw Baekho look at me and smiled again. 

I was freaking partying inside with his smile and all that day his smile never leave in my mind and mine never left my lips.

It took so many months for me to take the courage to add him up on the sns. His Name is Kang Dongho and i didn't ask Nana why they call him Baekho as I don't want them to get suspicious.

I was debating that if i should look up for his profile on the SNS that me and Nana are in but I was too afraid, afraid that he might be weirded at me and won't accept but I still look up for his profile and luckily I saw it but I didn't add him not until the day before the Mid year party. 

I didn't know what's gotten into me and decided to add him up but all I know is that i want him better.

*ping* 

A notification pops out and I saw that he accepted my request. I was so happy, no happy is an under statement. It could be overjoyed as the smile never leaves my face.

I immediately took courage and message him to say Thanks for confirming my request but I didn't expect for him to reply but fate wants me to be happy that night and I immediately receive a reply to him.

That's where it all started.

We we're chatting all night long, I keep on asking questions I've long so much to ask. I could say that I was damned happy that night as I talk to him but I one thing had shattered my fantasy.

He doesn't want to be in a relationship.

Yes, He doesn't want to be involve in any not even dreaming on starting a family. He is 30yrs old but no plans at all. But still I push my luck.

There are a lot of things I was able to know from him. Like he didn't care if people label him as gay, he likes anime specially One piece although I, myself, like anime but I was never been a fan of one piece. He is also a naughty person always a big tease in me. Although I admit that sometimes I fall for it. That's the time I said to him that to never tease me in souch green ways as I easily give in and let's face the fact that when it comes to peole we like s can somehow trigger us in such a way. But still he never stop so I let him go and sometimes I just ride his jokes.

I don't forget to say Good night, take care and even say good morning. As if we're already in a relationship. I expected so much on how things are going smooth but fairy tales will still stay as a fairy tale and reality will just slap you hard.

There's this one night, July 16 2018. It was an early morning converstion of Monday around 2am. He started to be naughty and started a green conversation as usual I started riding his jokes even making it greener and naughtier. Then he drop an indicent proposal. If i would like to give him a . I know it is not much compared to but I knew him so well that he is not serious but for me that is somehow offending and below the belt.

So I asked "Are serious about that?" he didn't reply and just seen the message so I add up "Do you take my feelings lightly?" as he already knew that I liked him. 

"I'm just kidding, Sorry" That's his only reply. 

Of course I know what he will say but it still hurts as it offends me and i thought of how little he thinks of me. Some point I say it coukd be my fault or I might be at fault but still it hurts me and my pride so I replied.

"Don't ever asked me something that you're not serious about. I already told that I like you. So what ever you ask since I know there nothing that I would lose I'm ready to do what your requesting"

At that point I felt so low in my life, I felt that I'm like a dog, following his master and doing what he say just for a little treat. I never imagine myself being like this. It was painful.

"Sorry" is what I got from him. I don't know if he is sincere with it.  But i just let it go. I didn't reply back. 

I was hoping and dreaming that one day he will chat me as I don't chat him nor replied on his last message. But a fantasy will always be a fantasy until I can't take it anymore and I've become stupid again. I chat him and he immediately replied. And that started another wave of happiness.

I've let go of the issue and just be satisfied on what we are. Maybe you're thinking why there is no physical contact. There is. 21st of July. It's our team building and that is after the friday shift. We waited until 6am for out meeting time. It's just 4:30am in the morning and I saw him walking alone. I immediately took my wallet and advised my best friend Dahyun that I'll just buy some snack at the convenient store but she saw Baekho so that's why she smiled slyly and she knows what my true intentions. All she says is "Okay" with a mocking voice.

I ran just to be able to catch him up.

"Hey!" I shout and I'm happy that time since he waited for me to be able to catch up. 

Just to let you know he doesn't want anyone to see him with me as this will raise suspicions and issue which he doesn't want as he is a reserve person. He even say one time when he saw me and didn't bother to say Hi, he said at that it will be "Awkward". Of course I was hurt but I didn't complaint as I know from the start that I don't have a chance but I'm still pushing my way.

"Where's your friends?" I asked while keeping my phase with him.

"I have overtime that's why they went ahead of me" He said.

We mostly talked about anime's, his day and how he was. He even asked me where will I go which to my suprise he asked me as he rarely asked about me (Not sure, maybe I was to initiative in terms of giving some information that he don't need to ask).

Our time was short and I still wanted more time with him, to hear his voice, to see his smile and to see his face but we parted ways.

I keep my hopes up for a day where I can go home with him, talk about a lot of things and smile and laugh even when he thinks of me as a friend only. It's already enough.

After that day we still chat but I didn't get another chance to walk with him as he is always with his friends or sometimes he is going home late due to overtime so I just wait for him to be online so I can talk to him just before going to sleep.

My Dahyun and Nayeon already telling me to stop pursuing him as they see it so it hopeless and they after what he did to me they don't him for me as they advised that I deserve someone better but how can I stop. I can feel that I already fell in love with him, with Baekho.

I can't stop loving and caring for him, to be concerned and to always mesage him even though he doesn't return that favor. I won't lie that i expect for him to return it but i'm already immune on his rejections and not giving me that attention I'm looking for.

I'm really that hopeless to him, I even reach the point where I lowered myself to him. To ask him for just a one night stand. I know he will reject the idea, I know that but still I tried but a cold No is what i've got. It hurts my pride. I was so stupid. Stupidly inlove with a person that can't feel the same way as I do.

I came to a realization that why can't I love the person who is ready to love me? Why can't I choose them? Why can't I love them.

But then there's this one answer that pops up. Your heart chooses on who to fall in love with and who to treat as a friend.

I came to accept it and just continue for what we have but what just happened recently was the last straw and last timw that I'll push myself to him.

3rd of August, around quarter to 5 in the morning. I receeive a reply to him from our earlier conversation. I immediately asked where he was. He said to me that he is already on his way to the waiting area for bus and cab. I immediately say to him to wait for him so that we can go homw together, I even run just to catch up but he keeps on rejecting saying that he will wait for his friends on the waiting area. I still insist even just until the waiting area but he still rejected me and when I saw him at the waiting area. I didn't bother check my phone as he already rejected me. When I'm done putting my things on his bag when I looked at the waiting shed he is no longer they're. I immediately thought that he is with his friends already but when I rode the bus I saw him on the other bus, he is alone. That's when my heart started to hurt and tears started to fall. I immediately pyt my earphones and I saw his reply.

"Ride the other bus!" he said, that's the time that everything in. Pain, broken fantasies and even the pieces of my heart started to fall as I realized that He don't like me and he is being kind to me.

That's the time I let my tears run down and i let myself drown on my emotions that even it is raining I still choose to walk in the rain. 

I unfollow him so I won't see his post and block him on messenger so i won't think of messaging him. But still he is my friend on that SNS.

IT MAY BE A FAILED FANTASY BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME, I EXPERIENCE TO LOVE SOMONE MORE THAN I LOVE MYSELF.

please remember that sometimes some people are meant to be just a chapter of your story...

This is the end. Till next time, Love Minhyun :)