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I know this day is going to come, the day I finally know you are settling down and going to marry him. I know and yet I’m still very much in love with you. I thought I have moved on from you, already closed this feeling completely for you. Well, I’m wrong, love is never that simple to fall out.

My heart aches when I heard the news, and what make it worse is that i knew it from somebody else. It hurts, so bad.

“It’s normal, it’s okay to feel all this, you are a human being.”

That is what I always chanted these days, that it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be sad, looking back how much I love her (I still do).

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When you fall for someone, for me it’s like you give a part (some people gives their whole) of your soul to that person. Most people start from what they called attraction, friendship, some is love at the first sight, and some is just a pure lust or obsession.

When I fall for you, I took significant time to recognize what is that. Did I just like her because she’s way too nice and cheerful yet mysterious? Did I fall for her because she’s beautiful and have a good body? Did I fall for her because of hormones or puberty? Did I fall for her because of her humour? Did I secretly obsess with her and want to be like her, just like how Cady turned into Regina in Mean Girls? Did I fall for the concept of wanting to have someone dear to you, regardless of who they are, but I don’t actually want a relationship?

Things like those jumbling in my head, an 18 years old mind. I kept denying it to the moment I can’t. It felt like a defeat because I need to give more than 50% of my heart to her. Well it was worth it, you brought unexplainable happiness (also massive sadness and gloomy season, but let just see the bright side, shall we?) to me.

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All these years, I acted like a younger sister to you (because magically your blood sister really looks alike with me), most times as your bestfriend.

“Yoona-ya, let’s go to the amusement park together!”

“Yoooooooong, how do I look?” (beautiful and gorgeous as always)

“Yoonaaaaaaaaaa, my sister wants you to join the movie date.”

“Yoong, our parents invite you to our dinner.”

And many other things happened.

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Jessica unnie, when I first heard your relationship status with your soon-to-be husband seven years ago, I was heartbroken, a bit. That time, I didn’t know it will be this serious. I brushed it off, thinking you weren’t that serious with him and he might be just one of your temporary admirer. Man who dated us will usually soon realize how hard it is to have a relationship secretly because we’re idols. They slowly keep wanting to share who their girlfriend is and that will be immediately ended the relationship.

Well, that man has a lot of patience to wait for you and following the rules. You of course, introduced him to us, and I just couldn’t find bad things about him. I tried to slowly throwing out all of my romantic or ually feelings for you, but my heart was just so slow at doing that.

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Now I finally confronted you about your soon-to-be marriage, the one that you hide it from me, I act as your bestfriend one more time. People said fake it until you make it, I’ve been faking myself as her bestfriend all these years but that little bundle of feelings is still there.

I declared myself, once again, as your bestfriend this time, and it’s finally time for me to shut down half of myself for doing this.

I love you (hopefully in other form of love) and at the same time I’ll start to stop loving you (in romantic way) from now on.

Today I feel like dying and reborn at the same time. It’s hard but I will live.

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