Rain in the Summer Day

"If we had never met, would we be smiling now?"

The greyish color loomed over the sky in where the precipitation that the cloud had borne falling on the ground. Junhoe was running and it was endless, the sound of the water hitting on the ground could be heard along with his footstep against the puddle, splashing the water that rain left behind everywhere.

He stopped his step when he reached the destination, an Izakaya, to where the reunion of his club during high school was being held. He sighed heavily, shaking his hand and the droplet of water fell from his black hair. If a day could be worse than this day, he cursed. Inside the building, he noticed some familiar people waving their hands in his direction, he gave them a faint smile before heading to the table. No, it wasn’t like Junhoe was forced to attend this reunion (in fact, yes, Donghyuk was so persistent and he kept on bothering him to come) or that he hated the members of his past club (in fact, yes, they were so noisy and annoying and it pissed him off). But, no, it had been years since they met each other and it was always nice to be around them. His only problem was only one, only one. They were chatting so lively even when he sat there, not really minding his arrival, talking about many things from the past, the time where youth felt like the fresh spring.  

“Yunhyeong hyung! Will Jinhwan hyung come?” Hanbin, a senior who was one year older than him, a brilliant song-writer and now was a famous one asked another senior. And there it was, his one and only problem. It wasn’t ten minutes since he arrived and the topic of someone he really didn’t want to hear already come.

“He said, he’s gonna come, but it will be late because of his schedule.” Yunhyeong replied and the others who heard let out a happy cheer.

“When I first saw Jinhwan hyung debut stage, I was so speechless! He’s so amazing!” and the topic after that was only revolved around Jinhwan, Kim Jinhwan, a blooming ballad singer, who was also his senior from the same club. Kim Jinhwan, his ex-boyfriend.

It had been three years since the last time they met each other or to be precise, it had been three years since Kim Jinhwan left Koo Junhoe alone. The younger didn’t have something to resent anymore, after all, his world kept moving on with or without him by his side. But the feeling of annoyance still hit him everytime he listened to people talk about him, everytime he accidentally saw him on TV, or his photos in some public places. Junhoe felt uncomfortable.

“His debut album is really a masterpiece.” This time, Jiwon, another senior, opened his mouth. Explaining about the beauty of the lyrics, the hidden meaning behind the songs, and the perfect melodies. “They instantly reached your heart.” He added,

“Didn’t he say that they were inspired by his past lover?” Chanwoo, a junior of him, joined the conversation. Junhoe hadn’t said anything, he was only sipping his beer while gazing into the raindrop from the window. He suddenly questioned his decision to come here. They were still talking about the mysterious lover of Kim Jinhwan, that no one even knew who they were, until a question suddenly brought him to join the conversation.

It was Yunhyeong, “Do you know about his past lover, Junhoe-ya? You are so close with him, right?” Close. Yes, they were so close. So close that they had spent a lot of their days together. Jinhwan was the only one who managed to crash his wall. His personality who could match with him, they were so close and it stung his heart everytime he remembered it.

“No. We never talked about something like that.” He kept his poker face, after all, he was so good at it. And only Kim Jinhwan who was able to uncover his persona, only him even until today. The feeling of sentiment was probably hitting him and Junhoe drank his second glass of beer in one shot before excusing himself to go outside, inhaling some fresh air.

The rain was still pouring, the gloomy was engulfing the moment. He hated how the rain fell in the summer days. How the water poured down and washed away the heat of the summer only to offer him more dizziness than he could ever get. Yet, what he hated the most was the familiarity it gave him. The reminiscent feeling of the past was flowing down along with the raindrop, it messed his mind up and got him giddy. He was always powerless. Once the rain fell, his mind was nothing but a state of messiness. He didn’t understand – he didn’t want to understand, even though he clearly knew the reason behind everything. It was raining, the first time they talked and it was raining, when he was left behind. Summer always offered him some melancholy feeling, the heat that flicked the fire inside of him, burning something within his emotion.

He took a box of cigarette from his pocket, lighting it and the smoke of tobacco filled his sense, mixing with the smell of the wet ground. Junhoe first smoked because his friends were trying to be rebellious, the peck of being schooler they said. It didn’t taste good, he remembered, but he enjoyed the taste of it. The bitterness that came from the tobacco and the addict from the nicotine. Call him masochist or what, but everytime his mind was being gloomy, the taste of cigarette felt so much better in his mouth. The taste of something from the past crawled inside of him, gave him so many things to rekindle. He hoped, he could stop, but at some point, he knew, his life would go back to the nothingness it once had. It didn’t feel better even today, the oblivion he was living turn to be something darker, but it was better, because it felt like the proof of him being alive. Junhoe hated the smell of tobacco, sometimes, or most of the time, the taste of the bitterness that lingered in his mouth. He hated it because it reminded him of the kiss, he once shared.

Perhaps, his life only had one axis, the pivot of the world he had built. Perhaps, he never knew how to move on. Holding the fleeting of the sentimental melodrama within his fingers, living in the crumbled world he left behind. He didn’t want to admit, he was afraid to admit. Even after three years, his feeling had stayed the same, wrapped in his heart, even when he desperately tried to erase his existence from his mind. First love was scary, because he was the one who taught him to love and the one to break it apart.

­­

The song of cicadas was faintly being heard, the weather dropped lower –making people glad because the heat of the summer was slowly dissipating. The rain was falling without any notification, without any sign to stop anytime soon. Junhoe was leaning his body to the fence on the music room’s balcony. Carefully watching the drop of the rain fell to the ground. He tapped his cigarette before inhaling the tobacco to fill his lungs. The dusk was slowly approaching, the tangerine color was hidden behind the grey cloud, leaving the earth into the blueness.

“You are still here?” a sudden voice came, mixing with the sound of the rain. Junhoe turned his head to see a shorter guy wearing a denim jacket and black pants was standing in the door of the balcony, holding a book in his right hand. His white plain shirt within his denim jacket was saturated by the rain, showing the skin underneath his shirt.

“You don’t bring an umbrella?” he asked again while ruffling his wet hair, and the droplets could be seen flowing through his skin. He was walking to his place, leaning his arms to the fence.

“Yeah, and sunbaenim?” the other raised his right hand, showing the book he was holding. “I left my music note here and I have a morning class tomorrow.” He answered and gave him a smile. Kim Jinhwan. An alumnus of his high school who was assigned by his teacher to help teaching the music club.

“Aren’t you a first year?” the older broke the silence and he only nodded. Jinhwan talked a lot, he was so easy-going and nice, that was probably why everyone liked him. He was the opposite polar of his.

“And you smoke already? Smoking is not good for your health, you know.” Junhoe gave him an empty laugh, a mocking one. “Didn’t sunbaenim also smoke?”

Jinhwan’s expression darkened for a moment before he laughed out loud. “Here, I thought I would be a good sunbae. So, I don’t need to pretend to be an exemplary student right?” he took off a box of cigarette from his pocket, taking one while his other hand was looking for something. He looked confused for a few second before he let out an “Ahh” and his hand stopped to move.

“Can you light my cigarette?” Junhoe froze for a few second before bending his head a little to search something in his pocket – the lighter. He was about to pull out the lighter when he realized Jinhwan taking two steps ahead him. It was out of the blue, Junhoe couldn’t recall anything after that, but the other yanked his collar and connected his half burnt cigarette to the cigarette in his mouth. The sound of his lighter kissed the ground was so clear against the heavy rain, his world seemed to stop at that time. He was looking at him in eyes and for some reason Junhoe couldn’t take his eyes from his gaze. There was something burning, as if someone flicked the lighter and let the fire burn everything. The foreign feeling of warmth was flowing inside of him. Running through his veins and tightening his chest. Junhoe didn’t understand anything but he was sure of one thing, he was ed up.

“Thanks. It was easier that way.” He said, but Junhoe only nodded his head, gathering his poker face so the other wouldn’t realize his messy state.

“How do you know I smoke though?” Jinhwan asked, puffing his cigarette. Junhoe was thinking for a moment. How did he know? Because he could smell it everytime Jinhwan was near him, the smell of citrus mixed with the tobacco. Junhoe never realized it himself, but his eyes always directed to the older. The small movement that his body made, the way he gently explained things, his playful way to get close with others, his soft voice that soothed his heart everytime he sang, and the beautiful sound that came when he played the piano. Junhoe was always aware of his existence, his eyes always found their way to find the older in the room or on the street… or just everywhere.

“A guess?” he replied or more like making his statement another question. Jinhwan smiled at him. “You are really an interesting person, Junhoe-ya!”

“Oh, you know my name?” Junhoe was a bit surprised because he never talked to the older or even tried to get close to him. During his club day, he would only sit at the back, holding a guitar, distancing himself from the others.

“Of course! I really like your voice too, but you never talk to me. I thought you hate me.” The rain was pouring heavier, the water splashed to where they were standing. The vision to see things outside got blurred by the falling rain. The edge of Junhoe’s eyes was gazing at the smaller guy beside him. The smoke rings could be seen coming from Jinhwan, playing with his cigarette.

Summer in the first year of his high school became one point change in his life. He was awkward, a sassy boy nobody dared to talk. Junhoe was still young and oblivious about things around him and Jinhwan was the exact opposite of him. Maybe, it was what people called opposite attracted opposite. The attraction he cursed years later.

Their relationship had grown closer each day, spending their free times together from the younger coming to Jinhwan’s apartment, listening him singing, playing piano, or writing lyrics. They went out once in a while, drinking at the closest bar (even though he was a minor), strolling around the park or the riverbank. Junhoe liked to be with the older, seeing him smile and laugh, witnessing the sensitive personalities of him, how easily the other cried everytime they watched sad movies. Junhoe liked the fact when he was around him, he felt at ease, he found comfort he was seeking,

“June-ya! Have you kissed?” that question came out of nowhere. Junhoe was lying on the couch in Jinhwan’s living room, his right hand was holding a cigarette. He didn’t answer the question, instead he put the cigarette to his mouth. Jinhwan who was sitting on the floor with a book and a pen on his lap, directly looking at him, waiting for his answer.

“Don’t know.” He puffed the cigarette and it didn’t take two seconds for Jinhwan to climb on the top of him.

“What the hell are you doing?” Junhoe shouted, but Jinhwan was faster to lock both of his hands, making the cigarette fell to touch the cold floor. He gave him a smirk before continuing “Just push me if you hate it. To be honest, I always want to kiss you.” He said while leaning forward, cutting the space between them. Junhoe was blinking his eyes for so many times before his hands reaching the back of Jinhwan’s head, pulled him closer and kissed him back. The kiss tasted like cigarette, adding the feeling of addictive along with the sweetness that coming from Jinhwan’s. Junhoe didn’t complain because he desired the older the same, because Jinhwan tasted so good that it drove him insane.

“Hey, do you want to go out with me?”

Junhoe was always alone, without depending to anyone. He was capable doing everything by himself. He went right and left only to fulfil the basic human interaction that he needed. When Jinhwan came, he learned to appreciate the existence of the other. The idea of him couldn’t live alone. With Jinhwan he felt the whole, he felt complete. His life turned from black and white to colou#rful one, from the soundless world into a place full of melodies. Junhoe loved him, maybe in the first moment his eyes found him. Maybe in the first glance he set his eyes on him. He loved being with the other because it put him in peace. Jinhwan was his composure, the steady pace of his life. They didn’t argue except small things about what movies they should watch or what food they should eat. The peacefulness that felt like forever because then three years had passed in a blink of eyes. Junhoe was soon to be a university student and they rented an apartment to live together. One of their dreams during early days.

He didn’t understand what went wrong. He didn’t understand what he did wrong because in the next second, his world was torn into pieces. “Let’s break up.” Like a lighting in a sunny day, like a sudden storm in a serene air, and the fire that was burning inside of him turning him into ashes. Leaving nothing but him to the nothingness.

“You didn’t do wrong, June-ya. It was me, everything was my fault.” And the thing he knew in the next moment, his back disappeared from the door, he was left alone in the world where the axis was gone. He didn’t know how to carry his life when the word “us” became “me”. He didn’t remember how to live by himself alone because he failed to distinguish which one was the part of him and which one was the part of the other. Everything mingled to be one entity and it made him fall deeper from the cloud nine.

Being selfish, probably was human nature. Leaving everything it once stated as something they loved the most. The togetherness was being by the black hole, drowned into the triangle Bermuda, as if it never existed before. If he ever said “I love you” why did he end up turning his back and leave? As if those words never came from his mouth, as if the memories of years were nothing but a fragment of dreams. Because Junhoe was being taught to love, yet he was never taught about the breakup.

“!” he cursed, clenching his fists. Some dizziness suddenly attacked his head. It was not the rain, but some memories from the past bursting into his mind like a broken cassette. He was gasping all of sudden, almost three years had passed, but everything was so clear living in his mind, the feeling that still stung his heart, his very first heartbreak.

His eyes looked empty, staring at the pouring rain. The ashes of the cigarette in his hand fell in its own, disappeared when the water washed it away. He was leaning on the wall near the door behind the izakaya, where the rain didn’t reach him, yet the water still splashed on him. Bringing some coldness into his burning heart.

“Hey, it’s been awhile.” The fragrance of citrus came to his nose as soon as his eardrums registered the owner of the voice. He was frozen, afraid to turn his head to confirm the new presence. Even though he didn’t need any confirmation, because he exactly knew the owner of that voice.

“You are getting handsome, you know. I almost didn’t recognize you.” The other said, but Junhoe didn’t answer. He turned his head to see the falling rain. Trying to get absorbed by the rhythm of it. His chest felt so stuffed, the throbbing pain was running inside of him. Once or twice, he imagined the scenario of him meeting with the older. He thought, at least he could give him a smile and turned back, proclaiming himself that he was fine. Yet, in fact, his body started to tremble.

No word was exchanged, the sound of the other flickered his lighter filled the tranquil air. His cigarette was long dead and the smell of Jinhwan’s cigarette came into his sense. Still the name cigarette as before. The feeling of familiarity was bursting, he felt like he was about to explode. Did he still love him the same? Did his feeling for him never get less even after all this time? Did he… wish for him to come back?

The gust was blowing chilly, pained the joints in his body. The black shirt that was still half dampened by the rain earlier only make him shivering from the coldness that the wind sent. Dwelling about the past was something he never did. After Jinhwan’s disappearance, it didn’t take him one day to gather his rationality, to glue each piece of his broken heart together, it took all of his energy to act the same. Although when loneliness caught him, he could feel the tears flow onto his cheeks, or when the night came and he unconsciously looked for another body in the bed. He decided to keep living in that small apartment, leaving the things as how it was, keeping his belongings there. Jinhwan’s old piano stayed there, at the corner of the living room. Sometimes, he played one or two songs to kill his boredom. The piano that felt like the biggest fragment of the older. It wasn’t because he couldn’t move on, but because it was proof of him living his life without regret. Even until now, he was still living there, getting too attached to the environment or getting trapped in the past. Perhaps, he was really the one who stuck at one time. Or he yearned for the other still too much than he wanted to admit.

“How are you? I know I have no right to ask you this.” Jinhwan asked, leaning his body on the wall. Their space was separated by the closed door.

“I’m doing well.” was he doing well? Of course, he was doing well with his life. Getting new friends, new environment, he was doing well until one of the time the thought of Jinhwan suddenly came to his mind. The memories that never occurred suddenly floating and it caught him on guard, the pain that he never realized squeezing his heart, bringing another wound that probably would take eternity to heal.

During Jinhwan’s debut last year, it took him so much effort to keep his composure. He didn’t listen to his songs, of course, but he accidentally heard it, in a café, or a restaurant, or another shop. He easily recognized the older’s voice. His album was full with the concept of a broken heart. People called it, the most sentimental and emotional album of the year because many people could relate, the way the lyrics were being written beautifully and they easily slipped into your heart. An album about heartbreak, breakup, leaving the one you loved the most. Junhoe couldn’t help but laugh. Pathetic.   

“He said, the whole album was for his past lover!” a girl from one of the class he had a project with said, with the headset still hanging in her ears, probably listening to the radio.

“Omg! He must love his ex so much!” the other girl replied and Junhoe exactly knew, who they were talking. Because it wasn’t the first time he caught those girls fangirled over Jinhwan, maybe his fans. Junhoe was still writing on his laptop, he tried to keep himself calm before slamming the laptop to the girls’ head.

“His ex must be very lucky to have one album dedicated to them.” And his heart sank. Lucky? Junhoe cleared his throat. “Do you want your ex to proclaim to the whole world that he leaves you behind in aguish even though he know that he’s your first everything and in the end, it’s him who gains benefits from your breakup and you suffer from loneliness.” He said and the girls looked at him in disbelief. They thought for a moment before saying “You are too serious, Junhoe-ya!”

“You sound like you are his ex, you know!” one of the girl joked and Junhoe sighed, glaring at them “Can we just finish this project as soon as possible, please?” Junhoe didn’t imply that the album was directed to him. He didn’t wish for it to happen too. It just sounded so wrong, talking about heartbroken when you were the one who left everything behind. Talking about the amount of sadness you had caused as if you knew everything yet you still left them in the end. And let the world know how miserable you were caused by the breakup. Wasn’t it too pity for his past lover when they heard it?

“June-ya.” The older’s voice brought him back to the present. This time, he turned his head to see him. Still the same person he had known, he still looked the same. His eyes were looking at him, his mouth was trying to say something, it showed how he opened and closed his mouth within seconds.

“I’m never able to explain everything.” His gaze held so much sadness and Junhoe was holding himself not to run and hug him.

“You don’t need to explain anything. It was over, everything was over the moment you stepped out of the apartment. So, you don’t need to worry.” That was probably the most bull things, Junhoe was ever said. When in truth, he wanted to know, he ing wanted to know the reason of everything.

“No, June. I can’t live well, if I don’t explain things to you.” He mumbled, averting his eyes from Junhoe’s gaze, that now was full of anger.

“You can’t live well? It’s already been three years! And I ing lived in misery wondering what I did wrong. Don’t pull the bull of explaining things just for your own sake!” he shouted and Jinhwan jolted in shock. Junhoe let out a deep sigh when people who were walking suddenly send him a glare.

“Just go inside, they have been waiting for you.” He lowered his voice this time. The rain was still falling, the sky was so dark, the dim of the lamp turned the air into the blue. “Just say, I have something urgent to do.” Junhoe didn’t wait for the other and he already slipped into the showering rain. A tiny hand caught his arm before he could walk farther.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. I didn’t me---.” Junhoe didn’t let the older finish his words.

“Just please hyung, just this one time, don’t say anything more. Please don’t be selfish.” Because Junhoe couldn’t take everything if Jinhwan explained things. Because his mind and his heart couldn’t handle the roller coaster of the emotion when everything was being unravelled. He didn’t want to take the blame, or knowing where to blame in where the root of the problem in their relationship lay. Jinhwan was looking at him in eyes, realizing the tears fell onto his cheek in the trace of the rain. Junhoe didn’t even cry when Jinhwan said the word breakup, yet now he was begging the other to stop with tears in his eyes.

Jinhwan loosened the grip of his hand on his wrist, letting it go. Their bodies were drenched and Junhoe wanted to go back as soon as possible. He still loved Jinhwan, still loved him the same and much yet he understood things wouldn’t get back to how it once had. This time, he was the one being selfish. Trying to protect his heart from the unexplained things he wished to know. Yet he much understood the curiosity would soon drown him to the abyss, leaving another scar into his unhealed ones.

In these three years, Junhoe learned to love in another form. Learning to own nothing, so he wouldn’t expect anything in return. This relationship was irrevocable, yet the memories had been indelible. Everything was inexplicable or he was too afraid to know the truth. He stopped seeking the other long before and perhaps, he was satisfied with this silence of his love.

Or perhaps, he was scared to be hurt the second time.

Junhoe was walking away, not turning his head even once. Summer once again engraved another story of his life, the same story which kept on unfolding in the name of summer. The rain where it fell along with their melancholy towards his melodrama. His mouth was craving another taste of tobacco, the sense of loneliness engulfed his whole body, the coldness was piercing through his skin, it caused him to shiver. He clenched his fists, as how the remaining of his tears mingled with the raindrop. Jinhwan was watching his back until it disappeared at the edge of the road as how he whispered to the rain.

“And someday I hope you will understand.”

The End