Mixing red and blue is chaotic. Sometimes you get a shade too dark or a shade too light. It becomes frustrating because you try to work with it, but one color always outshines the other. You always favor a shade for a while but then you realize the negligence, how terrible you are of an artist, how terrible you are of a person.

 

Don’t text him, don’t invite him out, don’t think of him. But you can’t not do those things. He tears at you, claws at you, invades your mind and you can’t help but find yourself listening to his music late at night, in your room, headphones plugged in while your fiancé sleeps soundly next to you.’

 

You wish he would go away, stop entering your mind, plaguing your sleep with cursed melodies and trapped rhythms. You can’t help but lay awake, wishing it was him sometimes. Touching you, kissing you, holding you. You’ve never felt so alone with someone more than you have in this moment, lying next to your sleeping boyfriend.

 

And yet you still shoot him a text knowing getting caught could kill you, end everything that you’ve worked so hard to maintain: Can I come over?

 

Your phone is quiet before vibrating for a quick second, you grab it, hoping the vibration under the pillow wasn’t loud enough to wake your fiancé. There’s a Yes in a grey colored bubble that makes your heart exploded into a million pieces.

 

Grabbing your slides, you check the time before you leave. Iseul would be asleep until five am and then he’d wake up roll over and kiss your cheek before getting up for work. Same bland routine, same thing, repetitive so much so that it quickly became dull.

 

Looking over your shoulder, you sneak out the apartment complex to the condos a few blocks away. It’s a little cold to be walking out in just pajamas: A long t shirt, shorts, a bonnet, and slides, but you don’t care, you just want to see him again.

~~
 

“I know you’re here punk so open the door!” You bang on the door, not amused by his little game. You can hear him choking on laughter, trying to hide it and pretend he’s asleep. When it doesn’t work, because you’re still yelling at him, he gets up and moves the chain lock, so he can peek out the door.

 

“Eh who is it? I know it’s not someone younger using causal speech with an oppa?” he calls back.

 

“Mm you’re right, I think I have the wrong place. Sorry to disturb.” You walk away, or at least start to before he grabs you, pulling you into his place, arms wrapped snug around you.

 

“I was just playing. You’re such a hard .” His laugh sound like magic to your ears, “I’ve missed you, where’ve you been?”

 

“I get caught up in Iseul’s bull a lot.” You tell him following him to the couch. The lights are off in his place which means he must’ve been getting ready for bed. He lays down and turns on KBS2, some random drama is playing, something you’ve most likely already seen, before engulfing you in his arms

 

“I can’t stay all night Seongie Y’know? I have to be back before Iseul gets up.” You shuffle around in an attempt to free yourself from his grip. Although you don’t want to.

 

“I know you have to get up but just rest for a little okay, you always look so exhausted when you come here.” He smooths your hair over, brushing curls out of your face. His hands run down your sides, soothing you until your eyes get heavy, “Why do you still stay with him?”

 

“Seong Hwa.” You don’t want to talk about this again. It doesn’t matter what you do, you can’t leave him nor get away, Iseul owns you and you don’t want to explain that to Gray. It’s too depressing.

 

“I’m serious. Why are you marrying someone you don’t want to be with, you should marry someone you’re in love with, hmm?” He sits up and you follow suit, letting your head rest on his shoulder.

 

“I don’t really have a choice. My dad owes his grandfather so much money that when I came back to Korea as soon as I stepped off the plane they basically kidnapped me. They were waiting for me, a bunch of men in black suits, telling me they’d take my bags and stuff and that I needed to come with them.” Your hands start shake nervously, and Gray takes them in his, calming you so you can finish.

 

“I think I got in this black SUV, I don’t really remember what it is, but that’s when they told me that the debt was to be repaid one or two ways: they could cut my father’s life support, or I could marry their son.” You sigh, “I know my dad told me never to set foot in Korea again but when my mom told me that he was really sick, I had to come back and take care of him. I couldn’t hide away in America knowing that my parent was dying.”

 

“I’m glad you’re back, I missed your annoying face while you were gone. Jaybum did too. You just disappeared, and no one knew where you were and then ten years later you decided to just show up at AOMG with an attitude, telling the receptionist that she better let you into the CEO’s office.”

 

“Oh my god Seong Hwa, I didn’t even say all that. I just kindly let her know that if I didn’t get up there we’d have an issue.” You laugh, punching him in the arm softly. He pulls you into his lap, arms resting on your hips, “It’s not like I wasn’t keeping up with my best friends while I was in America. I even saw Jaybum a couple of times. We couldn’t even talk because his security is so tight.”

 

“You raised hell! Had that poor lady freaked out and when Jay and I came downstairs, security was about to drag your out of the building.” His lips press against your neck, kissing downwards towards your collarbone.

 

“Mm S-stop, It’s wrong. I-I’m about to be a married woman.” You breathe out, trying to catch a moan before it escapes from your throat. He ignores you, into your collar, wounding the flesh, “Seong Hwa!”

 

“What’s the problem? It’s not like we haven’t before? It’s not like you love him or you actually want to be with him, you were forced into this position…You haven’t had with him, have you?”

“No I haven’t. I’ve been putting it off but eventually he’s going to make it happen…” you bite your lips, “I’m still someone’s woman whether I want to be or not… and it they find out they could kill my dad.”

 

“They won’t find out.” He starts kissing at your neck again, sliding off your shirt, kneading your in one hand, “They never find out. They never will. You’re mine.” His mouth closes over a and to stop your moans, you bite into his neck the soft flesh.

 

“…Won’t give you up to an like that.” He mumbles, flipping you over on your back.

 

“Seong Hwa…I’m tired. Let’s just cuddle.” You press a hand to his chest when he starts to take his shirt off, stopping him. It’s a lie. You want to do it with him, again. You want to so badly, it’s just knowing you could never be with him burns you inside.

 

“Ah I see.” He swoops down, pressing his lips to yours before getting up, scooping you in his arms, and heading to his bedroom. It looks the same as it’s always has, messy with song lyrics and a computer left open on a beat he’s been simmering for months.

 

“Come here.” He sighs, laying down. You come, letting him be the big spoon again, letting him hold you against his heart. You’re a dagger, ready to cut him at any time. You’re a venom, ready to poison his veins and kill him softly. You’re his first love, his first heart break, his desire.

 

“. I love you.” It slips but he’s sure you didn’t hear it. you’re asleep, he can tell by the way your grip on his arm ceases. Sighing he holds you, staying up so you can manage to be out of here by 5am.

 

 

This can’t keep happening.