Dating Kim Taehyung: A Rulebook

1. Never let Taehyung find this. I’ll never live it down.

2. Spice tolerance level: -4/10 (what a lightweight. is he even worthy of me, The Spice King-)

3. Do not ever wake him up before 10am if there are no lectures. Or be prepared to be smothered by pillows.

4. When sad, roll into bundle using the favourite patched quilt he got from his grandma when he was 12. Place bundle in front of laptop. Open Toy Story 3 and allow self to be cried on.

5. The latest we can stay up till: 2am. Any longer than that will result in extra clinginess and neediness the next day. No restraint even in public. Even more so in front of Park Jimin, although I don’t really mind, because I LOVE seeing Jimin gag.

6. Especially in front of Park Jimin, use “princess” and engage in aggressive making out. (he owes me for all those years of iling)

7. Make self’s heart harden in spite of the Puppy Eyes and Pout. Giving in has caused too much trouble for its own good, on MORE THAN ONE OCCASION.

8. Practice math more to help him with his homework. Why do artists even need to learn about computational theory? This university curriculum is whack.

9. Trailing fingers up inner thighs is the fastest and easiest way to rile him up. Bonus points: do it in public.

10. at the skin behind his left earlobe is the second fastest and easiest way. Bonus points: attack when sleepy or just woken up.

11. Kinks (more to be discovered at a later time): rough , being manhandled, spanking (oh yes)

12. Favorite lube: strawberry, peach

13. When in a state of arousal or in search of , just look up his dance videos. Those thighs do not lie.

14. Dog’s name: Soonshim. Failure to remember results in cold shoulder for half an hour. NOT PLEASANT.

14. To break cold shouldering: blast Namjoon, Yoongi or Hoseokie hyung’s mixtape. Attempt to rap to it. Fail as spectacularly as possible.

15. Another way to break cold shouldering: reveal embarrassing childhood photos. Laugh at it together.

16. Favourite fruit: peaches (I should’ve known)

17. To impress Taehyung: learn to cook from Seokjin hyung! Go to him for all food-related issues.

18. Refill the batteries in calculator before his exams.

19. When asked if holographic fashion is like, the coolest thing ever, lie.

20. When asked if pillows triumph over bolsters, lie again.

21. Mocha frappe must come with extra whipped cream. Failure to do so results in not being allowed to cuddle for one day.

22. HHAHAAH JEON JEONGGUK I CAN’T BELIEVE I FOUND THIS!! you’re too cute. i love you even though you at hiding things. although it may just be that i am too good at finding things. also i DO NOT appreciate you calling me a lightweight.

23. KIM TAEHYUNG IS NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH THIS RULEBOOK.

24. Always be generous with kisses when around his friends. It makes him hella embarrassed but it also makes him feel good even though he denies it after.

25. Use “babe” or “love” in front of his friends. Bonus: place hand possessively around waist and tug close.

26. IMPORTANT. MAXIMUM ALCOHOL TOLERANCE: 2 SHOTS (what a lightweight x2)

27. If self is too drunk to adhere to rule #27, be prepared to face a whiny baby complaining about… things.

28. Tip: swap the vodka for apple cider when he isn’t looking.

29. Always lock his social media when he is drunk!!

30. Or not. Drunk shenanigans will ensue. Also known as: the time the world and I found that Jimin was dating Jin hyung. That sneaky bastard, I knew it!

31. Allow him to roll around on the lap. Even if legs will turn numb. It makes him unbelievably happy.

32. NEVER ALLOW KIM TAEHYUNG INTO THE KITCHEN. IF ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, ALWAYS HAVE A FIRE EXTINGUISHER NEARBY.

33. Learn to be less unreadable when planning surprises. STOP RUINING IT MYSELF.

34. Mispronouncing English words on purpose causes the most beautiful giggles from him this Earth has ever been bestowed with.

35. Another way to induce giggles: tickle him, especially when it’s not expected!!

36. When the 2am thoughts turn dark and scary, hold him tight and close. Tug a personal sweater over him if needed.

37. When angry and blinded, allow time for both of us to cool down.

38. Do not ever invade personal spaces.

39. Do not ever use personal history to question or attack each other.

40. Taehyung, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I don’t think I can ever stand losing you.

PROMISE TO LOVE AND CUDDLE ME FOR ETERNITY.

PROMISE YOU WILL TRY, ALWAYS. FOR US.

41. I love you, Jeon Jeongguk.

42. Never ever allow tears to form in Kim Taehyung’s eyes again. It is not pretty.

43. Peppering kisses all over his face makes him smile. End with a wet one right on the lips.

44. Is the Little spoon. Will be Big spoon, I just need to learn to ask for it.

45. When asked if he should cut holes in his shirt to create a very personalised, unique fashion trend, say yes. It allows for poking of his soft skin through the holes, and if lucky, will result in making out and y times.

46. Note to self: his sister likes vanilla ice cream, while the brother prefers popsicles. A surefire, foolproof method to get them to like me.

47. Another foolproof but less desirable method: let them beat me in Mario Kart. A VERY, VERY LESS DESIRABLE METHOD.

48. Always, always reassure his mother that I will take care of him.

49. Remind Tae to call back home once in a while because he can be forgetful when he’s busy sometimes

50. Ring size: 9 (after much wheedling from Jimin UGH) Also, extra reminder to self: simplicity is best

51. AM I REALLY DOING THIS

52. MARRYING KIM TAEHYUNG HAS BEEN MY LIFELONG GOAL. ALRIGHT NOT REALLY BUT I LOVE HIM. GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER JEON JEONGGUK.

--

“You know, actually I knew the hiding place for your rulebook all along.”

“What? Don’t stare at me like that, you look funny...”

“We should continue this, after we get married. I’ll do a rulebook too, and pretend that I have no idea you’re reading everything inside. Maybe then you won’t feel so betrayed.”

“Aw don’t be mad Guk! Actually you know what, you look pretty cute when you’re angry.”

“Alright I’m sorry. Stop ignoring me! I love you.”

“Please Jeongguk, I apologized already! I love you! I love you I love y-”

“Shut up. I love you too.”

end.