three, ձեզ համար, ով պայծառացնում է աստղերը

Theme - elijah who - love u, hate me

×

I wonder what Seungwan's doing.

A sigh, out of why and where she doesn't know, leaves her rather reluctantly.

She stares off into the distance. It's not the familiar emptiness that plagued her now. It's something else.

Something she wouldn't care to ponder on.

I hope the café's built soon.

Is it the onset—the return—of something she's long forgotten?

Why can't she put a finger on it? It welcomes itself into her mind like it's been there for ages, only now it decides to show itself and absorb all her attention. She can't says she's a fan of the feeling.

Another sigh.

She's sighing every other moment these days, but the burdens never seem to get lighter with each heave. What can she do?

Maybe I should quit my job soon. Help Seungwan out a little. Ask her for a job, or something. At least I'd be doing something more bearable.

Irene takes a look around her. She finds the clouded marble a piece of art, the swirls of grey and white convulsing into pure nothings as they remind her of wine and bus rides. The bench is like a sculpture in itself blending in with the bleak atmosphere around her. A sanctuary stands just a few feet away, a peek inside would reveal red and yellow draping every corner in praise of the god that supposedly roamed this region.

Chatter and playful shouts emanate from a recreational area she hasn't visited. She wonders why a bench was placed here, a rather peculiar spot, lying on top of a cliff with no road in the front, only an endless expanse of green and the sky above it.

Better to work with a friend—or for a friend, I guess. I don't have to feel like someone's looming over me all the time. I wouldn't feel so guilty, then.

It's rather serene on the outside.

“Oh you'd better stop~” In a sudden Hyolyn's voice fills the air as she reaches around for her phone and sees her boss’ name flash across it. Tch.

She lets the song continue, singing along at times.

I'd feel more secure. It's not my dream job, but it's a better option, right?

“Right. I'll visit in a few months, then.”

A glance to her side, she sees someone approach occupied with a phone pressed to their ear.

It's safe. It's a safe option.

It's more fulfilling.

“Okay, I have to go now. I'll call you guys later.”

It's less disappointing.

And the person takes a seat beside her.

I wouldn't be such a disappointment.

She panics.

Taking a better look at the person's face, she realizes it's someone she knows.

“Ah, Joohyun, isn't it? Nice to see you here.”

She has half a mind to tell the woman it's Irene, but she decides against it.

“I was just feeling… bored at home so I came for a walk, Seulgi-ssi.”

“Well, our town has a lot to offer. You should check it out sometime.” Seulgi says with a smile, she looks suave—like there's something more to say, but she wouldn't dare to.

The sight of the strange woman reminds her of the wedding coming up soon. She wonders how long it would take for them to announce the ceremony, but she guesses it'd be soon enough with how smitten the two seem to be with each other. It's unfortunate on how her thoughts immediately go to her own saddening love life thinking of her cousin who's three years younger than her is getting married before her. A frown creases across her face.

She notices Seulgi gives her a side glance, but ignores it.

Sigh. For some reason, a montage of all the people she used to date passes through her mind. Again, a sigh.

When her phone rings this time she breathes a sigh of relief as her mother calls her to come back home and fortunately gets her out of what would be an embarrassing situation.

She gives a smile, “I have to go back home now, apparently my mom has some big news to tell me… It was nice running into you, Seulgi-ssi.”

With a bow Irene leaves wondering how a person can have an unsettling personality but still  reassuring in a strange way.

“You too, Joohyun. And you can drop the formalities already.”

The sky is coloured red. On the horizon, the sun seems hesitant to set.

She takes a photo and continues on with her walk back home.

A solid five minutes later she hears a group of kids playing tag and spots a Buddhist monastery draped in holy colours. To her left is a clear cut field of green, and above it, the sinking sun.

Deja vu.

To her left is the same suave smile plastered on a brunette too occupied with admiring the sky.

“Um, Joohyun, what are you doing back here? Did you forget something?”

She winces at her stupidity and swallows down her pride forcefully, like taking a bitter pill and faces the woman still on the clouded marble. “Seulgi-ssi—I mean—Seulgi, I don't think I exactly remember—I don't really remember the way back, could you—could you please show me the way back?”

And on the clouded marble as if she belongs there, Seulgi smiles the same suave smile and makes her way towards her.

Right in front of her she stops, face illuminated by the red hues of the sun.

“Of course.”

×

It's really hard, Joohyun thinks, it's really hard avoiding someone who's there every corner I turn to.

She's not that religious, not used to the feeling a 'connection’ to god but she supposed there's a certain calm in the air of a monastery.

Somehow, she finds herself staring at orange and yellow robes tinged red as her thoughts continue to swirl within her mind.

She wonders how the statue in front of her remains and is remembered with a smile on its face. How could someone find peace so easily?

Or has it mastered the art of pretension, fooling everyone with that smile?

Life has inevitable suffering reads an inscription carved into a wall titled in a language she fails to understand.

“Perpetual suffering is what you'll face when you're older, you have to be strong enough to face it.” A walking reminder of her failure would say when she was still in college and she dwells on the words.

Is she strong enough? She doesn't know.

Her cousins seem to be too busy caught up in planning Suzy's wedding. The couple announced it only hours ago, faces gleaming and satisfied with the reactions they got well after they saw the look in her face.

Why did they announce it to her separately anyway?

Everything seems to be moving on without her. Everyone else is getting ahead at life—yet here she is, stuck in the same job, the same day repeating everyday. Same questions asked and as always, the same answer.

Things will get better.

When?

What if they don't?

She's stuck in a loop of dissatisfaction.

It would be nice if things slowed down. If the world moved on a little slower, so she'd catch up. If the planet turned a second late–that would be nice.

Maybe he's right.

The golden statue she stands in front of looks so at peace. Without a worry in the world, without a care. She stares, stares and stares.

The thoughts don't go away.

Three things were all she wanted to accomplish on this trip but all she's seen is a lackluster sunrise. The other two are ruled out because she doubts she'll ever face him again, let alone talk to him; and her cousins are all—as the thought's visited before—busy.

She thinks back on the DSLR in her bag. The desire to capture these moments she thought would be her redemption seems to have faded.

All of a sudden, the monastery is filled with light to contrast the indigo sky, and just for a moment: when the gold shines in profound glory, that smile neither too revealing nor too elated seems to hide behind its shadow and mock at her.

×

“Are you having a midlife crisis or something?”

Joohyun scoffs. “Do you think I'll die before I'm sixty?”

“Well, going through your luggage is the saddest thing I've ever done. Only middle aged men buy floral prints, unnie. What was going on in your mind when you bought this?”

“Firstly, it was a gift and secondly, I brought it here to force you to take aesthetic photos of me.” Her sister glares.

“Don't worry, I won't make you do any of that now. Why were you even going through my stuff—whatever. Just tell me where my mosquito repellent is. I’m going out.”

“Where?”

“Nowhere. Just going for a walk.”

“Um, it's like 11 A.M. Why on Earth would anyone want to go for a walk now?”

“The weather's nice.”

She bears the incredulous look and the doubtful nothings that follow later—Did you meet someone here?—ending them with a stern glance.

“Don't steal my violet florals, by the way.”

Her sister huffs.

She hums a strange tune, steps askew and vision somewhat dazed.

Like yesterday, she doesn't really know where she's going. Her steps are blind passing through the cold town as she watches various people pass by; a cycler averting his direction right before he's in front of her, some students probably bunking school, a group of old ladies in full on walking mode blasting past her and a couple sticking so close together she thinks  they'll merge into one. It's only 11 something—a time she's never really out in the city because she's stuck at work and it feels rather weird knowing everything still goes on regardless of whether she's involved or not.

Her world revolves around her, but looking at this myriad on the street of this town of nobodies, it feels like she's intruding: taking a peek into their worlds, their universes. Just an observer, nothing more and nothing less.

Sighing, she continues searching for a destination she doesn't even know the location of.

Thoughts wander a tad more than she does. Kicking pebbles down the street, her conversation with her boss yesterday comes to mind. She'd have to call him some time or the other and she wouldn't be able to bear that feeling of ignoring his call for long—that wretched guilt she wouldn't be able to rid herself of.

We'll have a meeting regarding our restaurant soon, hope you'll be there.

There might be budget cuts.

Some people might be fired off, things are getting tight around here...you know, right?

She does.

Irene can imagine the half smile on his face as he said the words.

For a while, she wonders if the head chef will get fired or not, but drops the thoughts when clouds cover up the sun.

What would it matter if he did, anyways?

He's just another person passing through her day, sometimes leaving no mark of his presence and other times, brightening it up just a bit. If he's gone, then other person would come by—as if to make up for the loss in her world, to maintain the balance in it and to keep herself at peace.

The bucolic landscape fills her vision as she continues to aimlessly walk around.

Words to fill and thoughts to comprehend.

It all seems too much of a burden.

To think, formulate her thoughts.

Put them in an orderly manner, preventing them from being haphazard. They're all over the place, she doesn't have the energy to keep them arranged.

Time should go faster.

No, slower.

Not at the pace it is now.

The clouds no longer block out the sun, but she's yet to find whatever it is she's looking for. It's all a mess.

There's no uniformity. There's no consistency.

Things should be more organized.

She feels like a failure. At least all of her being agrees with that.

“You'll trip on thin air one of these days if you're so lost in thought, Joo-hyun-ssi.” Her name is separated for each syllable and she peers up with a questioning look in her face.

Seulgi takes off her reading glasses and places the book she's reading on the marble bench—the whole image gives off vibes that Seulgi is the rightful owner of the property, and she's just stumbled across it for solitude.

“Are you exploring the town?”

She rises and glides to her side, prompting her to continue walking.

“No, not really. Just thought to go out for a walk.”

A hmm, her thoughts go running with why exactly Seulgi is pushing for a conversation to happen between them. She doesn't seem like a bright and cheery person who wants the entire world to be her friend, she's a much more laid-back and rather chill person—at least that's what she thinks from three—including this one—meetings.

Glasses are smoothly slotted into the collar of her shirt and fingers play along a paper bookmark of the sky on a plain blue day. These little things are what she never realizes she's noticing, it's these trifles that creep in her mind on lazy afternoons post the rush and in the calm, they serve as a reminder of reality.

“Isn't it a little early for a walk?”

“Isn't it a little early to be reading about old men talking to cats and leeches falling out of the sky?”

She chuckles, patting the cover of the book in her hand and turning to Irene with a smile.

“Touché.”

Her steps simply follow along Seulgi's, she wonders if the other woman is doing the same.

“I heard it's good to bask in the sun this time.”

She takes a good look across Seulgi's profile. The woman is unwavering, keeping her eyes straight forward.

“Right.”

A silence follows, awkward and out of place of the whole setting and she doesn't like it one bit. However, it seems expected. As if this weekend's been filled only with out-of-place situations, unfinished conversations and pregnant pauses she finds herself in.

The village aunties pass by the two of them, a tad slower this time and Seulgi turns to her with a questioning gaze.

“I heard your cousin's getting married..?”

Irene looks at her with a raised brow.

“Jinyoung-ssi told me the news. I can only imagine what it must be like in their house, right? Maybe that's why you've come for a walk.”

It's more like the woman is trying to explain the herself rather than prove a point.

She's not that far off, though—the house is filled with a sense of optimism, happiness and anticipation for the future—they stick to every particle in the air and it's suffocating for Irene. Everyone is so cheerful and she can't reciprocate their smiling faces. She is happy for Suzy. But her mind isn't in the right place to focus on a glass half full.

She doesn't fit in with the joy and all that jazz.

“Close enough, I'd say. They're getting married in.. three months I think?”

A nod. “Ah, how it feels to be young and in love.” Seulgi says with a smile on her face.

“You don't look that old yourself, what's with the sudden nostalgia?”

“Oh, nothing. I was just thinking back to when I was a teen. It probably wouldn't be far-off from when you were a teen, would it?”

“It's been a solid ten years since I was a smitten sixteen year old in ‘love’,”

“Same difference for me.”

The oxymoron amuses her. “I get what you're saying though, Suzy and Minho are still young and drunk on their feelings,”

She smiles at the choice of words. “True. But convey my wishes to them regardless, a marriage is rather a large commitment to make.”

Irene hums.

“I will.”

She realizes she was blindly following Seulgi's steps and finds herself at the recreational area she was wondering about yesterday. Laughter—from a laughing club, not from children in play—emerges from one end of the park while she sees old men discussing the mundanity of the world on the other.

Probably talking about their children, wishing they'd be perfect versions of themselves.

A sigh. “Do you think they're really in love?”

“What?” She's caught off-guard.

“Suzy and her fiance, I mean. Are they in love? Jinyoung-ssi gushes over the pair so much I couldn't help but wonder.”

“Oh, I don't know. How could I decide if they are? They look like it, I guess.”

“Who are we to judge—who is anyone but the two to judge, am I right?” A sour chuckle emanates in contrast to the phlegmatic woman.

She quickly plays it off with her suave smile.

“Right.”

Another silence—in a cliche, it's not as awkward this time.

Coming to a full circle, Irene looks at the sky directly above her head and leaves for her house—remembering the way this time—after bidding Seulgi a goodbye.

She returns to her world, and all the dreadful thoughts with it.

×

Unproductivity.

It's not a good feeling.

There's a certain joy in completing things. A strange satisfaction, the sense of accomplishment brings with it a feeling nothing else comes close to. The surge of happiness that follows after a hard task is a reward worth working for—and unproductivity doesn't promote that.

Irene knows she's not doing anything. Yet, she can't bother lifting a single finger to stop that. She fully accepts the fact she's idle. It's not procrastination, since there's nothing she's stalling, but it's a still life. Contrasting her wishes of time going slower or faster–it rebels and decides not to move at all.

The sky is really far away.

Or it doesn't even exist. Why is there a boundary for something that doesn't exist? It's all the atmosphere, anyway.

She could be doing a lot, now.

Have a heartfelt conversation with Suzy, hang out with her sister, help her aunt in dealing with the sudden change of events. Any of these things she could be doing.

But she remains here, on this strangely placed bench, made of marble in this strange town in a strange place.

Strangely, she found solace in this bench. So much attachment just because she's wallowing in her emotions.

Marble; how old-fashioned.

Her head turns away from the scenery to look at the swirls clouding her vision.

For a moment she thinks it's weird to be lying here all alone with the sky her company, but she doesn't care.

An inscription catches her eye. Obviously in some language she doesn't know but she's intrigued. She settles for a picture of it to translate later, the reception's too bad for the translate app to be working.

“I hate myself,” she says in a sigh. This isn't how she thought it'd be. She isn't who she thought she'd be.

“Wow. I really do.”

Another moment, she reminisces her past self, eager to learn and be in the world.

Not afraid, not burdened. Not like her. She wishes it wasn't like this.

Who could change that for her?

She knows—no one but herself. But she's not strong enough to.

“Sad.” A whisper into the lonely air.

“What is?”

How long has she been here?

“Nothing,” She says sitting up and urges the woman to get off the grass and take a seat beside her. “Why were you sitting down there? You could've just asked me to move.”

She gets a guilty smile out of Seulgi. “You looked at peace, I didn't want to disturb that.”

If only I was.

Seulgi seems to sense the gloom overtaking her being. “What're you doing here?”

“Just wanted to clear my mind.”

“Come to think of it, isn't it too much of a coincidence that we keep meeting here?”

“I suppose.”

Irene takes a glance at the book between them. “Still not finished?”

“I'm not exactly a fan of the writing, but the story's intriguing. You've read it?”

She nods. Her sight falls on the sky.

“Isn't the sky pretty today?”

Purple, just like her favourite colour.

(Somewhat bittersweet because it reminds her of a girl that broke her heart years ago, she hopes she's over that by now.)

“You think so?” Seulgi can't tell if it's Irene's eyes sparkling or the reflection of her in that she sees. “Yeah. I love when it's like this when the clouds move slowly with no care in the world. It paints a beautiful picture.”

“I'm glad to hear an enthusiast for the sky say that, for some reason.”

The conversation lingers in the air and Seulgi feels the need to continue it. “What do you do, Joohyun? Your job, I mean.”

“Oh, I'm–I’m a waitress in Seoul. It's a jazzy little place in Gangnam. If you visit Seoul you should stop by sometime. What about you?” The words are rushed, she notices. She doesn't want the spotlight, doesn't want the sinking sun to watch her.

“I'm a designer to some, an architect to some, a mechanic to the village aunties,” she pauses for a full-blown smile, “I don't exactly know what to call my job. My dad just told me to do it, and I did.”

She's not sure if Irene heard what she said.

“That's nice.”

It's twilight—Seulgi’s rather the fan of this time for it's not complete. It's a transition, the day retires and the night is welcomed. She spots a few stars here and there, as if they're calling out to her. “The sky's so much clearer up here, since there's no pollution and all.” She explains, though it's not necessary.

“Orion.”

The woman says without lifting a finger to point out the constellation.

“Cassiopeia. TVXQ's music is not that bad either,”

She gets a scoff, more than what she bargained for.

“There’s the Big Dipper.”

And she follows to point out its counterpart.

It gets dark soon, she doesn't realize it. Seulgi slightly wishes for leeches to fall out the sky and when she tells Irene, she gives her an incredulous look.

It's all forgotten with a laugh, and finding yet another constellation.