Rain was never my favorite, not until I met you. It was a rainy day that you stopped in front of me, slightly drenched but most of all, you are smiling. Smiling as if it wasn't raining so hard that I feel like I would drown. And you looked at me and shy as I was, I looked away. We waited on that small space, almost close to each other. You looked like you were enjoying until the rain becomes a drizzle. I know that you do not have your own umbrella so I took your hand and handed mine. A fool as I was, I ran away. I didn't even asked your name.

We met again, at a coffee shop. I was looking for a secluded place, away from the noise. And there you are. At the corner of the room, alone..I can't stop my feet from walking towards you. You looked troubled and your eyes were looking outside, finding nothing. I asked if we can share, you nodded yet you never looked my way.

The third time I saw you was at the bookstore. You were reading the book that I like, I took the same one you're holding which you noticed and smiled. We started a conversation as if we were long time friends. I didn't even notice that the bookstore was closing. We laughed at each other.

There were numerous meet ups then, movie nights, surprise getaway or just simply talking at our favorite coffee shop. I can't get enough of your presence. I can't get enough of you.

 I felt so jealous when I saw  you with a man but I know I don't have a right to be. I want to stay away but I can't. I still come back to you, to check up on you and know what you're up to. I bottled my feelings.

Until the night of my birthday. I was so drunk but I remember I shouted how much I love you in front of my friends before I out. When I woke up, I was in my room and you beside me.. sleeping soundly. I caressed your beautiful face that made you stir and wake. You looked at me and asked if I remember what happened last night which I positively do. And of all the rainy mornings, this was my favorite..because it was the first time you kissed me. 

The next months were fleeting. The sloppy porch kisses and late night dates we shared. How I discover every inch of you with my lips. How we made love as if there was no tomorrow. And all of a sudden.. you are all I've ever known.

I made you my sun. The reason I wake up in the morning. I even love your constant nagging of how I break things. I love your needy hugs and tender kisses. Your innocent touches that turns into lustful moans. My world revolve around you. I look at you when I wake up and dream of you in my sweet nights.

 

Then all of a sudden you left a note wanting to break up. I cannot read the rest because my tears are already falling. I cannot hear anything, I felt everything ached. I can't move an inch. My whole world fell apart in front of me.

I searched for you. I pleaded your parents and friends. But no one would talk. Like a ghost I live day by day without you. I was never me without you. I don't remember me before you.

They must have took pity on me. Seeing that I cannot get back on track. They took me to you where you were... in a place I never thought you would be. 

You were wearing white all over, looking pale and a small smile on your face. You ran to me in tears which both flowed on us for quite a long time. You didn't talk and just stared at me. That night, between the sheets of the hospital bed were our soft breaths, the bed creaked softly as I made love to you tenderly...with all of the longing of times we had not been with each others arms.

You always say that I am a fool for staying. I am young and should not stay to tend to a sickly person like you. But what can I do? I never wanted anyone but you. You had gotten worse day by day. I gather all my strength to smile in front of you when deep inside I was so afraid that I don't know when you will be taken away from me...because I know I could never let you go. 

Then one day you surprised me. You were staying at our place now so that I can easily watch you then. No relatives around, you chased them away telling them to have our night. All of my favorite foods on the table, we talked the night away. We danced using our both left feet to the sad slow sound on the background. You...telling me that the words of the song we are swaying to were you true feelings. It was the most memorable night of my life.

Then two weeks later, when everyone was there happily chatting and us sitting on the sofa, you left me....after you said I love you one last time.

I feel like floating. I can't talk to anyone. I can't even cry. I just wanted to sleep and dream of you. And then one time I visited your grave, it rained hard. Instead of it hurting me, It felt more like comforting... because I remember the rain brought you to me. Every drop of it feels like your hugs. It made me think you are with me, silently..at my side.

Then your mother talked to me. Two years after your passing, handing me a letter. She said that if I still wobble as I walk, she should give it to me. Your mother held my hand, asking me to let you go.

I got home and sat on the bed we used to share. I opened the letter to read it. I cried hard. I cried the tears I had been holding, pretending all this time that I well prepared myself. I can't let you go Jin. I just can't. 

To: Namjoon

Dear my beloved, I know that if you are reading this I may no longer be beside you. We both know I couldn't stay, but we were so stubborn and stayed together right? I just want to tell you that I loved you before we even met. Remember the day you gave your umbrella? It wasn't the first time I saw you, It was many times before but that was the only time I had a reason to get to near you. You were mad when we reminisced the time when I didn't even looked at you at the coffee shop, but truth is, that was the time I came out to my parents and the time I realized how much I really like you to the point I hate you for it. What I'm trying to tell you is that..we had love each other more than enough. We were lucky because not everyone can share what we've had. This doesn't mean I gladly let you go, no, I love you more than anything Namjoon. I prayed to God when I got the results. I tried second and third opinion but nothing worked. I was dying and I don't want to. I want to be with you. But I realized that I cannot be selfish and tie you to me...so I left you. And that I knew was the stupidest thing I did. Because I regret every minute of it. I regret every minute of not having you beside me. I know this will only make you love me more. I love you most too. But Namjoon, seriously, be happy...not for you but for me. I don't want you to live alone, you might destroy everything. Or you may. And don't you dare follow me! You can't! Live this lifetime until you die, of old age and wrinkles. I will still love you by then. Find someone, anyone..okay? Have kids, make little monsters like you..Be happy and forget about me..you need to...do it for me. I love you Namjoon. You are my one and only love. I love you to the moon and back.

Yours in this life and all of my next lifetimes, your worldwide handsome guy, Jinnie <3

The night I read you letter I packed my bags and left without turning back.

 

I traveled the world. I made relationships. I did various things. Things we imagined doing together. I tried Jin. I really tried. But I still came back after five years, lifeless.. loveless. I tried hard finding love.. but I only ended up comparing them to you. I gave up. And came back. I talked to friends I lost touch. Your family, my family. They were worried, but they were happy I came back alive.

One day, a month after I came back, I was talking to my mother and spending lunch with her, then suddenly I passed out. I woke up on the hospital. My mother was crying by my side and when the doctor had given me the news...all I felt was...peace. You see Jin, the same disease that took you away from me is going to bring me back to you. I had brain cancer. I refused treatment knowing that I will still end up dying. 

I stayed at home and my mother tended on me. Everyday she would convince me of trying to get well. But no, I can't wait anymore. Everyone knew my pains, but they don't know that this was nothing compared to losing you. I laughed at myself thinking that I should follow you soon. You might replace me if you see me old and wrinkled.

I woke up one morning and have a morning coffee. It was raining and I felt amazing. Suddenly, a song played on the radio that reminded me of the song we danced to that night,

'Take her to the moon for me
Take her like you promised me
Say you love her everytime like how you told me the last time'

I am sorry Jin. I wasn't able to take anyone to the moon. I wasn't able to love anyone but you. I can't lie to myself. You are the only one I can love to the moon and back.

Then suddenly you came smiling in front of me and take my hand..we ran through the rain..I never looked back.

 

 

A/N: I needed to get this out of my chest. I was playing take her to the moon on repeat and other sad songs...I need to be revived soon.