When Dara finally arrived in LA, she wryly noted to herself that it was just after 10 PM, as she’d predicted. Having traveled to so many places and so often, Dara considered herself an expert in predicting flight arrival times, and took a small, simple pleasure in getting her estimates correct. Another perk of being a seasoned traveler is that she knew how to overcome the sluggishness that always set in her bones after a long flight, tempting her to rest in her hotel room.

Over the years, she’d found that some kind of physical activity, like a brisk walk, and a nice, light meal would give her a spark to continue her day. Well, that and her insane willpower. Actually, according to all of her friends, it was Dara’s own drive more than anything that helped her keep going even after hours of being in the air. But she did it to stay strong for her team. After all, she was 2NE1’s vitamin...it was her job to stay energetic and radiate good vibes for the members.

Whenever 2NE1 would have packed schedules, especially during their world tours, she remembered how Bom and Minji had been in awe of her. Bom would sleep the whole flight, sleep in the car ride to the hotel, and STILL want to sleep when they got to the room. She’d always tease Dara asking if she was a human battery, tugging on her arm to see if any of her electricity would rub off on her. And though Minji had tried her absolute hardest to appear alert and awake, Dara could tell when she fell quieter than usual that their youngest was having a hard time keeping her eyes open. When that would happen, Chaerin would sling her arm over Minji’s shoulders and give her a playful shake, smiling as she chewed her gum and teased Minji. Then she’d round up the group and tell them to stay put, disappearing for a bit before returning with iced coffees for them all.

She was the best leader.

Memories like these flashed through Dara’s mind often, snapshots of a life that seemed so long ago. Moments that she cherished...and that she wished she could have had more of. It was hard to will them away...even the most mundane things would remind her of 2NE1. Seeing tangerines in the produce section reminded her of Chaerin’s peace offering when they’d been fighting while filming an episode of 2ne1 TV. Passing by a nail salon made her think of them all getting their nails done before a show, Bom’s always being the most luxurious. And sometimes, when she was driving, she’d turn around, expecting to see them all stuffed into the back seats.

Their presence lingered. Even though it was almost two years since the official disbandment, it still felt like it’d just happened. She’d had no time to mourn, because their group had met an abrupt end. So Dara always felt like she was perpetually stuck, unable to move forward and deal with the fact that things wouldn’t ever be like that again. Or worse, moving forward knowing that it didn’t have to end the way it did. That none of them wanted it to be this way.

But Dara realized, as the taxi dropped her off at Chaerin’s home in the heart of LA, that she needed to get into a better headspace. She couldn’t drown in her own sorrows...she was here for Chaerin. Chaerin needed her. And so Dara bottled up her feelings, storing them away in her heart to be revisited later. Just as she always did.

When she knocked on Chaerin’s door, she’d half-expected her not to answer it. But what she definitely didn’t expect was her stylist, Matthew, to appear instead.

Matthew looked at her in confusion, his perfectly shaped eyebrows scrunched up. “Dara?”

Immediately Dara’s heart began to pound from nervousness. In all the scenarios she’d ran through in her head, this was not one of them. How could she talk to Chaerin with him here? What was he even doing here at this hour?

“Hello,” Dara said, scratching her arm anxiously as she gave him a slight wave. “Is CL home?”

“Shay-lin? Yeah, she’s here.”

Dara frowned. She hated the nickname. She thought Chaerin’s name was perfect as is. But she didn’t think that now was the time to be petty about such things.  She met Matthew’s scrutinizing stare, her hands clamming up as she tried to convince herself that coming here wasn’t a mistake.

Dara straightened up and tried to appear nonchalant. “Can I please speak with her?”

Matthew studied her, leaning across the door frame. Something about the way he was acting made Dara wary. She couldn’t tell if it was the way he was trying too hard to appear casual, or the way he was subconsciously guarding the doorway. Something was up. “You can try. She doesn’t do much speaking nowadays.”

Then it was worse than she thought. Dara had known something was very wrong when Chaerin stopped messaging or calling her back, but the rational part of her was always open to the slight chance that Chaerin could just be too busy, tired, or not have her phone on her. But if she wasn’t even talking to the people who were with her all the time, unlike Dara halfway across the world, then there was no excuse.

Dara set her face and stood tall despite the anxiety wracking through her. “I will try. Can I come in?”

Matthew blinked. “Yeah. Sorry. I was actually just leaving, so...have at it.”

He gestured to her to go in, and seemed as if he was about to leave and close the door behind him. But at the last moment, he spoke again.

“Dara?”

Dara turned, and saw the same worry and sadness she felt reflected in his eyes.

“Thank you for being here. I think she needs you.”

Without waiting for a response, he nodded to Dara and left, closing the door quietly.

Leaving Dara alone.

She found it odd to feel so uneasy to be alone with Chaerin right now, when they’d spent almost every waking moment together during their years in 2NE1. Being alone with Chaerin used to be her favorite thing in the world...listening to the younger girl talk excitedly, watching her face as she studied their dance practice videos, and the sound of her laugh when Dara . She had always felt so comfortable and open around her. But now? There was a wall. Dara wondered if she’d be able to break through it.

“Chaerin-ah?”

Dara’s voice felt small in the house, a lone sound permeating through the otherwise too-still ambience. If Dara didn’t know any better, it looked like no one lived inside the home.

There was nothing on the walls, and barely any furniture. A simple couch and a small side table were pushed up against a plain white wall in the living room, and the only other decor was a pile of cardboard boxes near a dusty tall lamp. It was a far cry from the beautiful high-end apartment Chaerin used to rent. When Dara wandered to Chaerin’s too-clean kitchen, she opened the fridge and found a bottle of water, a browning apple and an empty styrofoam box of takeout. She was almost angry. Chaerin shouldn’t be so reckless with her health. Even if her mind wasn’t well, she needed to take care of her body, and Dara made a note to go grocery shopping for her later.

For now, she had to find her best friend.

“Chaerin?”

Dara called her name once more, and was again met with silence. She wandered the house a bit, trying to remember where Chaerin’s bedroom was. She had only visited the new house one other time and couldn’t quite remember. Eventually, she made her way to a door that seemed familiar and knocked softly.

“Pudong?”

She resolved to count to ten, and if Chaerin wouldn’t answer, she’d try another room.

1…

2…

3…

“...unnie?”

Dara’s heart stopped, and a wave of tears threatened to fall as she heard Chaerin’s small voice. She stood frozen as she heard footsteps grow closer, and Chaerin swung the door open, immediately enveloping Dara in a hug.

Dara hadn’t expected this, hadn’t expected the swell of emotion to hit her as Chaerin wrapped her arms around her, holding onto her so tightly. She hadn’t expected to wet Chaerin’s shoulder with tears, nor had she anticipated to feel Chaerin’s on her own shoulder. In that moment she was helpless, holding Chaerin and softly crying because she didn’t want to let her go, ever.

“Dara?” Chaerin mumbled into her neck as she sniffled. “Stop crying.”

Dara had to chuckle through her tears. “You’re telling me to stop crying? You started it.”

Chaerin took a deep breath, her hold on Dara easing up as she lifted her face away, still holding Dara’s hands. “I know. But see, this is why I don’t ever cry. Because you will too. And I don’t want to make you cry.”

“Chaerin…” Dara couldn’t say anything else, bringing a hand up to cup Chaerin’s chin as she looked at her. It seemed as if Dara hadn’t seen her in ages, and if she’d seen her on the street, she might have been unrecognizable.

Chaerin’s hair was unclean and messy, and Dara spotted split ends which was extremely unlike Chaerin. Her cheekbones were gaunt, and there were bags under her eyes, her usually bright irises now muted and flat. Her lips were slightly chapped, and Dara fought the instinct to run her finger over them. To heal them. To heal her.

Chaerin turned her head away from Dara and wiped the remaining tears on her cheeks with the back of her hand. “I didn’t know you were coming here.”

Dara blinked back the last of her own tears and spoke softly. “I’m worried about you.”

Chaerin seemed to stare off into space, almost as if she had forgotten Dara was there. “Of course you are.”

She shook her head, breaking into a breathy laugh, a laugh that was devoid of any humor and sounded only of resignment. It was the most tired laugh Dara had ever heard. “Everyone’s always ing worried about me.”

Dara didn’t speak, following Chaerin from a distance as she walked to her living room, pacing. “What can I do with ‘worried’? I need my life back, I need my music. But no one can help with that. They are just worried for me. They pity me. And they can’t fix what’s already been done...”

She lay down on the floor, her hair splayed out on the carpet as she tried to peer over at Dara, barely lifting her head. The slight movement seemed to tax her and she let her head fall back in defeat, sighing. “Unnie, It was good to see you. But if you came all the way here just to worry about me, you can go home.”

Never. Dara never went down that easily. Maybe Chaerin’s other friends didn’t care enough. Maybe Chaerin was used to being let down and pushed aside. But it was going to stop today, because Dara wasn’t going to let that happen ever again. She sat down next to Chaerin, looking at her eyes even though she was staring at the ceiling. “Don’t tell me to go home. And don’t tell me not to worry about you. Maybe people here don’t mean it when they say it. But you’re my best friend. I want to be here for you.”

Chaerin shook her head, slightly open as she seemed lost in thought. “Dara, you don’t understand. There is nothing to be here for. I am nothing, I have nothing. No group, no album, no career. It’s all gone, there’s nothing left.”

Dara furrowed her eyebrows at the falseness of her words. Chaerin had never talked like this about herself, even at her lowest points. “That’s not true. That’s not true at all.”

But the words sounded patronizing even to her own ears. 2NE1 was disbanded, Chaerin’s album was indefinitely shelved, and her career was basically on hold. Chaerin wasn’t technically wrong, but it was the way in which she said the words, like she truly believed them, like they owned her and defined her, that bothered Dara.

Chaerin’s face was stone. “It is true.”

She was past any kind of consoling. And Dara didn’t blame her. The setbacks in her life had been too frequent and too serious to be remedied with mere words. This would take time, and Dara wanted to devote all of hers to Chaerin. When she looked at her, she saw her Baby Rin, could see her just how she looked on their debut stage with her full cheeks, bright smile and crazy hair. She saw the leader that was always there for her, for Minji and Bom, who never hesitated to stand up for them and be there for them. She saw Chaerin as she was on their last MAMA stage as a group, the fire alive in her eyes as she sang her heart out with her girls for the last time. She refused to see her as the weak and broken woman Chaerin so desperately wanted her to write her off as. No matter how much of a lost cause Chaerin appeared to be, no matter how worthless Chaerin felt, Dara knew none of it was true. And she was not going anywhere until she could prove it.

Dara moved closer to Chaerin, deciding to break her sitting position and lay next to the other woman. “Not to me.”

Chaerin was silent, and Dara chose not to say anything further. She wasn’t here to offer a quick fix to Chaerin’s problems, or offer cheery words that would fade as fast as raindrops on warm pavement. She was here to be whatever Chaerin needed. And if Chaerin wanted to be quiet, then they’d be quiet. Together.

Dara studied the blank ceiling, fighting the urge to turn her head and meet Chaerin’s eyes. The last thing she wanted to do was make Chaerin feel like she was studying her or feeling sorry for her. So she waited, thinking idly what Bom and Minji were up to back home. Bom had called her a few days ago, talking about a few tracks on her new album that she was excited about. Minji had been checking into their group chat sparsely, busy with some appearances on a few shows but mostly schoolwork, as she’d be graduating soon. Dara made a point not to think of her own insanely packed schedule, not wanting to think about any of that right now. It was overwhelming.

“How long are you staying?”

Chaerin broke the silence without fanfare, moving up to sit.

Dara followed suit, meeting her tired eyes. “A while.”

In reality, she probably couldn’t stay more than two days, and even that was pushing it. She was booked for so many photoshoots and appearances that she’d put her sponsorships in danger if she stayed away any longer.

Chaerin shook her head. “You shouldn’t. I know how busy you are.”

Dara smiled, trying to make light of the situation. “Ah, so you have been reading my messages!”

But Chaerin did not smile back, instead nodding her head almost mechanically.

Dara lowered her eyes, picking at a loose string on her sleeve. “My schedule doesn’t matter.”

They both knew it wasn’t true, but Chaerin chose to ignore it, asking a different question.

“What if I don’t want you here?”

Dara froze. She hadn’t considered that. But she supposed she should have, knowing how stubborn and prideful Chaerin was. She’d never ask for help, so Dara had learned how to tell when she needed it so she’d be able to give it without being prompted. And this was definitely one of those times. Maybe a part of Chaerin didn’t want her here, because maybe a part of Chaerin was scared of being so vulnerable and didn’t want to let Dara in. But she’d done it before, and she vowed to try her best to do it again. That being said, if Chaerin genuinely didn’t want her here, she’d leave. It’d break her heart, but she would do it. She respected Chaerin so much, and she’d never break that trust on a hunch.

“If you truly don’t want me here, I’ll go. But... I want to be with you for a little while.”

Dara looked at Chaerin, who finally looked up to meet her eyes. They looked so deeply sad that Dara felt another urge to cry. She absolutely hated seeing that look on her. She hated that the world had dealt this woman such a terrible a hand, someone who deserved nothing but the best.

Chaerin’s voice sounded empty. “What if I want to be alone?”

Dara knew in that moment that she didn’t mean it. She was used to being rejected, constantly being fed lies and left to pick up the pieces of broken promises. Maybe she expected Dara to do the same. The thought sent a physical pang of pain through Dara’s chest.

She didn’t want to be alone. She was just tired of giving so much of herself and getting nothing in return.

“If you want to be alone, then I’ll give you space. But I’m not leaving the house. ” Dara told her, her tone firm. “You’re stuck with me.”

Chaerin nodded, devoid of any emotion.

For now, that was good enough for Dara. Following the instinct to give in to her spontaneous nature, she jumped up. Her mind was racing with ways to both lighten the situation and solidify her stay.

 “You won’t even know I’m here. I don’t even need the guest room...I’ll sleep in your bathtub!”

That got an eyebrow raise from Chaerin as she watched Dara zoom off to the bathroom.

When Dara got inside, she closed the door behind her and went to sit in the tub. If Bom was here, she’d play along and jump into the empty tub too. Knowing the two of them, they’d probably have cracked it in half with their antics. On second thought, maybe it was a good thing she wasn’t there right now.

Since it was only Dara, she hugged her knees to her chest, waiting to see what Chaerin’s next move would be.

She wasn’t kidding when she said she’d stay in the bathtub. She wasn’t here to be a burden, or a guest. She was here to be a friend and work through things with Chaerin. If her presence needed to be sparse, then she’d be sparse. If she needed to sit in a hard bathtub, the cold ceramic unforgiving on her aching back, she’d sit in the bathtub.

As the minutes crept by, Dara began to feel more and more stupid for resigning herself to her fate. Being self-sacrificial was one thing, but maybe this was too far. A nice warm bed, or even the couch, would have been nice after her flight. But she had gotten herself into this mess for the sake of comedic relief. Even if Chaerin hadn’t shown it, Dara hoped she was at least a little bit amused or endeared by her craziness. At the end of the day, everything she did was for Chaerin.

After what seemed like an eternity, the bathroom door slowly creaked open and Chaerin poked her head in, her voice quiet. “Dara unnie, you don’t have to sleep in the bathtub. Come in my room.”

Dara sighed in relief and wasted no time hopping out of the tub. She rubbed her back and stretched dramatically. “Ah, what a relief. Thank you for saving your dying Ssantokki.”

Chaerin shook her head, and Dara could have sworn she saw a ghost of a smile on her lips.  She led Dara to her room and held open the door before closing it behind her.

As Dara passed, Chaerin mumbled under her breath. “Stubborn unnie.”

Dara smiled.