Why was it so hard to move on? Why did he have to leave? It wasn’t fair. Kihyun couldn’t accept it, it wasn’t real. His eyes were fixed on his boyfriend’s lifeless body as thick tears drenched his cheeks and the front of his black suit. His brain replayed the accident over and over again, and he wanted to just jump from a cliff to end his misery. Kihyun wished everything was a nightmare, a horrible nightmare which would soon end and let him smile once again. He needed Changkyun, he needed his baby to be happy. They were perfect for each other and Kihyun knew he wouldn’t be able to love ever again. Not after he saw the love of his life being shot in front of him; not after that stranger killed him in the middle of the street and the ambulance was too late to save him.

Kihyun stood there for long minutes, sobbing quietly. All of their friends and families were there at the cemetery. Changkyun’s father was giving a goodbye-speech while his mother clung to his arm and his brother tried to calm her down a little and Kihyun cried harder at the sight of them. Now they would never know their son was with him, they would always believe Kihyun was just his best friend, and he was not ok. Changkyun had been planning to tell them everything for so long and it wasn’t fair they couldn’t do it. Kihyun dried his tears with the sleeves of his jacket and he felt an arm circling his shoulders. “I’m s-so s-sorry, K-kihyunnie” Hoseok whispered in his ear and held him tightly until Changkyun’s coffin was finally buried. “T-this s-” Hoseok said, trying to control his own sobs.

Kihyun didn’t want to talk. He hated crying in front of other people, he hated being exposed like that, but he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t a cold-hearted , his boyfriend had just died and he wouldn’t stop his emotions from coming out. Kihyun nodded as an answer and, thankfully, Hoseok understood. “Go talk to his parents” Jooheon pushed him but he wasn’t ready. Kihyun looked weak and helpless; he couldn’t talk to his parents in law, even if they knew nothing about their relationship and about their son’s uality.

“D-don’t push h-him!” Hoseok defended him.

“I’m not pushing, I’m just saying it would be good if he talked to them” Jooheon insisted but Kihyun didn’t do it. He left the bouquet he bought on top of the grave and walked as far as he could from there. He needed some air. The place was huge and Kihyun managed to hide behind a tree. His eyes closed when he made sure no one had followed him and he let himself fall on the grass. His hands started cutting the green leaves and tiny flowers as he let the darkness take him. Kihyun wasn’t someone religious but he prayed for the first time in his life. He asked God to give his boyfriend a second chance, even if he knew no one would bring Changkyun back from the dead.

“What am I doing?” Kihyun whispered, opening his eyes and getting up from the grass. The tree above him covered the sun and threw shadows at him. Kihyun sighed and decided to light up a cigarette. It had been such a long time since he last did it, but he seriously needed to smoke those days. It was the only thing that helped him relax after the tragic accident so he wasn’t planning to stop. Kihyun inhaled the smoke and sighed once more. The tears wouldn’t stop falling from his red and puffy eyes and he wanted to just leave and lock himself up.

“Kihyunnie, don’t smoke!” Hoseok had followed him, apparently, and he took the cigarette off of Kihyun’s hand.

“Hyung, I n-need it” the younger said, drying his tears with the sleeves of his suit.

“No, you don’t, let’s go” Hoseok intertwined their fingers and dragged him back to where the crowd of people was minutes ago. “I’ll take you home” his friend whispered, guiding him to the car. The others were gone, just like Changkyun’s family, and Kihyun couldn’t wait to return home. Every little item his boyfriend used to own was there and he was craving for a long nap on their bed so he would stop crying for a while. Hoseok knew him well enough to guess his wishes and that was so relieving. Kihyun felt he had found the best friend ever.

The car ride was quiet. The two of them were crying silently and Kihyun was doing his best not to break into an unstoppable, sobbing mess. When they arrived to his apartment, Hoseok followed him. He was probably scared and worried. He didn’t want Kihyun to do anything stupid. “I’ll be here in case you need a cup of coffee or someone to talk to” Hoseok gently said, patting Kihyun’s back before he flashed him a tiny smile and left to his bedroom. The place looked so empty. Kihyun was sure no one nor anything would replace Changkyun. His love was gone forever and he wished to dig a hole and throw himself in it.

While he changed into his pajamas - one of Changkyun’s oversized t-shirts and some sweatpants - he stared at the pile of plushies and walked in their direction once he was done. He took every single one of them in his arms and carefully placed them around him on the comfy bed, covering them with the sheets. They all smelled like Changkyun and Kihyun was sure they would help him sleep. He was right, he immediately fell asleep and, the moment he woke up, he was hugging his boyfriend’s favorite plushy with all his strength. Kihyun hadn’t slept at all since Changkyun was shot, so it was good he managed to at least close his eyes for a while.

The apartment was dark when he got up and, as he reached the living room, he found Hoseok sleeping on the couch with the TV on. “Hyung” Kihyun called in his sleepy voice, patting his friend’s shoulder to wake him up. “You can go home if you want to, I promise I’ll be fine” he knew he couldn’t promise something like that but he’d try to be okay. Hoseok blinked a few times before he finally understood what was going on and he shook his head.

“I’ll stay” he patted the empty space near him and Kihyun sat down, yawning in the process. “Do you want something to drink?” the elder asked though Kihyun’s mind was already gone and he failed to hear him. He couldn’t stop replaying the accident and asking why. Changkyun was a good boy, he helped everyone and was very hardworking. Kihyun couldn’t help to think if God made a mistake and took the wrong person. Kihyun didn’t believe he existed but Changkyun did. That made him lose the tiny bit of faith he had. Why was it that God took his boyfriend if he went to church regularly and prayed every night and before each meal? Kihyun didn’t do it, maybe he should have taken him instead.

“I wish this was just a nightmare” he whispered to himself, too immersed in his thoughts to even realize Hoseok was there. The latter suddenly sobbed and Kihyun felt arms hugging him tightly.

“Me too, Kihyunnie” Hoseok said, sniffing. “Me too” he murmured and they both stayed there crying until Kihyun decided to stand up and make some coffee for the both of them. “I wish we could turn back time” Hoseok said, taking the warm cup in his hands.

“Yeah... that would be incredible” Kihyun sighed loudly and tried to focus on the TV for a while.

The next week was very tough. Kihyun had to stay at home all alone and his mind was clouded 24/7. He found it hard to eat and sleep - he smoked a lot though Hoseok scolded him for it and made him stop - and it was the first time in his life he wanted to return to work as soon as possible. Thankfully, they only gave him one week off and, that morning, he was getting ready to finally leave his place. Kihyun got dressed and went out of his apartment without even having breakfast. He walked fast through the hallways and asked for the elevator. Everything was quiet and he was glad he didn’t have to greet any of his neighbors.

When he got to his workplace, all his coworkers hugged him and tried to comfort him. Kihyun held his tears inside not to make a scene and told everyone he was fine. “If you need anything, just let us know” Minhyuk - the talkative one - said and he nodded, quickly heading to the locker room to change into his uniform.

Serving coffee and pastries definitely wasn’t something he wanted to do when he was feeling like that, but anything was better than locking himself in his bedroom. Costumers arrived after they finished setting the tables. Some of them were alone, some others with their families... Kihyun was okay with it though, when couples entered the place, his eyes filled with tears. Of course he didn’t show it. Every time a drop of water threatened to fall through his cheek, he dried it with his hand and kept on working.

“Waiter” a man called him and he quickly headed to his table. The male was tall and skinny. He was wearing a fancy suit and had his hair well combed. His face was handsome but his features were a little exaggerated. His lips were extremely thick, his eyes were big and his nose small. Kihyun thought he looked like an actor. “Can you bring me my check please?” he asked and the waiter nodded, bowing politely before heading to the counter. Minhyuk gave him the thin piece of paper and Kihyun placed it on the man’s table.

“Here you go, sir” Kihyun smiled toothlessly and thanked the man in the suit for his visit. He then took the money to the cashier and kept his tip in his pocket before returning to the table to clean it up. Everything was pretty clean, the male just drank coffee and there was only a used cup on the wooden surface. Kihyun carefully grabbed it though he saw something near it: a watch. “” the waiter cursed under his breath and quickly took the wristwatch to go chase after the man who had just left the place.

There was no sign of him. Kihyun was screwed. What if he gave it to Minhyuk? They could keep it in the box for lost items. Kihyun decided to put it in his pocket and wait for a while in case the man returned for it. The box was in their locker room but it would be good if he had the watch with him.

The day went on and Kihyun eventually forgot he had the wristwatch in his pocket. He didn’t change back into his casual clothes because he was exhausted. He left the coffee shop in his waiter uniform and walked fast not to fall asleep on the way. When he arrived at his apartment, he one single light and headed to his bedroom. His eyes automatically landed on the first picture Changkyun and him took together and his heart clenched. It was that awful pain again. Kihyun didn’t waste time and put his pajamas on, wishing to go to sleep before he started crying.

Moments later, he was finally ready. When he threw his clothes on the chair the wristwatch slipped from his pocket and landed on the floor, startling him. “The watch!” he yelled. “I’ll take it to the box tomorrow” he said, feeling terrible for having it with him. Although his mind told him to put it back in his pocket, something about the object called his attention. It wasn’t a regular watch, it had a weird design and Kihyun had to turn it around several times to admire it. “This is so fancy” he whispered to himself and tried it on. “That man surely has a lot of money” he kept on talking as if there was someone with him. “Should I keep it?” he asked but chuckled at his words. “That’s not appropriate” he added and walked to his bed, taking the watch with him. After covering his body with the blankets, he stared at the item for long minutes. “What are those?” Kihyun looked closer at it but the room was dark and he couldn’t see much. Without intending to, he touched one of the crowns and made it turn a little.

It was as if the world went crazy around him. His bedroom was spinning and his surroundings suddenly changed, making him land on a street full of people. The sky was bright blue and it seemed as if it was the afternoon. “What the-” Kihyun interrupted his own words when he heard someone talking by his side. It wasn’t just someone, it was Changkyun. Kihyun turned to glance at him, feeling scared of finding him covered in blood. That was one of his nightmares. It couldn’t be real, could it?

Kihyun didn’t want to believe it but there Changkyun was, excitedly telling him a funny story while they walked side by side, brushing their fingers from time to time. They never held hands in public because everyone turned to look at them but they liked the light contact of their digits. “And then he tripped with his own feet and fell face first to the floor! He didn’t even use his hands!” Changkyun said, laughing loudly and making Kihyun’s eyes fill with tears. “Baby? Are you crying?” he stopped on his tracks, cupping the elder’s face in his cold hands. That dream felt too damn real and Kihyun wanted it to last forever. “Did I say something? I’m sorry! I-” before he could continue, Kihyun kissed his lips. He had missed him so much and he would enjoy every single minute of his dream.

When he parted, Changkyun looked startled. They never kissed in public, it was t