Fingers, Lingers.

The wind blew softly through the windows. It was quite early in the morning, and as usual we were the first to arrive in our school. No one else were even on the corridors. I hummed along as our footsteps echoed against the empty classrooms.

He liked it, he said.

The way our class looked in the morning, when everything is neat and tidy, like a freshly made bed. White desks, white chair, worn out white curtains which look more like pale yellow rugs by now. I don't remember when or how we started, but we always have our breakfast here.

As I sat on my desk, he turned his chair around so we're sitting face to face.

This is my everyday. This is my normal.

Yunho took out his metal lunchbox, looking at me with anticipation.

"Hey, hurry hurry!"

He nagged while opening his box. There were only rice inside. Always, everyday, without fail. Half is for me, and in return I'm bringing him a homemade dish. I know, it's not a fair trade. But the whole thing felt right. I pulled out a double tier lunchbox wrapped with checkered cloth out of my bag.

"Yunho-yah."

"What? Open it, open it, I'm starving already~"

"Sorry though, it's just yesterday's menu."

"Really? Yes! I was dreaming about your sweet and sour chicken all night."

I laughed. Everything felt easy when it comes to him. Things just fell into place... I wonder if he notice it too.

We started our breakfast, Yunho bought both of us boxed juices, and a sneak of one canned beer for us to share later. 

Judging from the lack of noise we're probably the only ones here, aside from some faculty staff & security doing their job on the school yard.

The stillness felt so peaceful. Although it was soon distrupted by a rattling noise of a window sliding open.

"Such a waste." He said.

The window on my left side is now wide open, letting the morning breeze swept through my hair. I looked outside, closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"I need a haircut." I said, going back to my breakfast.

"No you don't."

"It's getting too long, though."

"It's good isn't it? It's still spring. Warms you up."

"I'll look like a pile of hair by the end of the month."

He laughed as he placed his spoon down. He ruffled my hair softly. I found myself holding my breath.

"This is a cool look. It'll be a waste." He continued eating.

I wished he would've touched my hair a little longer.

We heard soft noises of people arriving, and sped up our pace a little. Sharing our little brekfast with the rowdy classmates would be a mess, and we both hate it.

--- 

The bell rang, and on first breaks we always have our own adventure. At least he calls it that.

Mostly we were just lurking around unnoticed parts of the school, feeling proud each time we found anything profoundly meaningful.

It was the most mediocre, energy-draining, inspiring part of my day. First break is when I get to see new things in our mundane ordinary setting.

Suddenly he halted my steps with his arm, palms pressed against my chest. I blinked as he flashed me an excited look, finger pointed the biggest tree in our schoolyard. 

There were nobody there. My eyes gleamed, and we both raced there as fast as we could. This is our school's hotspot, and someone usually already claimed their territory around this hour.

We were especially lucky. Finally it's our turn again. It has been a while.

There was an unspoken rule around that tree, since it was the perfect place to nap. The first one arrives has the spot for the rest of the day. Quite childish, but somehow everyone obliges.

"Did you bring it?" I asked.

"Of course." He pulls out a cigarette out of his pocket, placed it between my lips. I closed my eyes. He lit it up for me and I inhaled.

The sun was quite gentle that day, and the way the light fell to our laps, sneaking in between the leaves, felt quite melancholic. I exhaled, and passed it to him. His lips touched my fingers. I found myself lingered for a milisecond.

Teachers might know their students smoke here from time to time. Somehow they never cared for it, when it's the two of us. Maybe our good grades and parents' influence scared them off. I'm not sure, but they let us do what we want. We were spoiled rotten. I was oblivious of it, enjoyed it nonetheless.

"Jaejoong-ah."

He exhaled as his body leaned back towards the tree, face looking up. I turned, at glancing his portrait. He must know how astonishing he looks. Slowly his eyes opened, gaze turned to me. He smiled. 

"You know, at times like this I kind of want time to stop." He handed me the cigarette.

"Woah, you're suddenly so mellow, it freaks me out." I laughed, shook my head, pushing the thing back to him.

"No more? You wanna go back?"

"No. I wanna sleep here for a while. You?"

"...I'm going then. See ya later." He handed me the cigarettes.

"See you."

I knew where he was going. I knew who he's gonna see. I shut my eyes hard, finally gave in and inhaled our cigarettes for one last time. 

He's probably meeting her, isn't he? 

A sharp pain welled up in my chest.

She will never know him the way that I do. None of them do. I'm curious why his relationships never lasted longer than a couple of weeks. 

If it were us... It would've been different.

My mind was focused on how our lips met through the now squished cigarette .

Only if he'd stay here instead.

---

As the day pass and temperature rise, our classroom grew more and more comfortable. The teacher were scribbling long scriptures on the board, she seemed ad sleepy as the rest of the class.

As for him, he was long gone. I gazed on his broad shoulder, head leaning comfortably to his folded hands.

Ripping the ends of my notebook, I made a few tiny paperballs. One by one, I carefully threw it, aiming at the back of his neck, slighly above his collar.

He winced at the sudden touch, peeked back at me with his sleepy eyes, and made a 'please be quiet' gesture. I grinned. He smiled lazily and turned back to his light nap.

The whole thing was repeated until he couln't take it anymore, and threw the many tiny paperballs gathered at his desk back at me, all while holding an annoyed laughter.

This is my everyday. This is my normal.

This is his normal too.

---

My bike was stuck to the bushes. I spent fifteen minutes trying to undo it to no avail. Damn all those rowdy kids eager to leave school, pushing other people's bikes like eraser dust.

He's standing not so far back with his own bike, talking to her. She left him shortly, and I held my smile. He always chose me at the end of the day. Never went home with any of them, not once.

My hands fumbled with the vines and wild bushy branches. Seems like I'm only making things worse by now. I can sense his gaze from the back of my neck, and I glared back.

"A little help would be nice."

"Aw, can't do it yourself can you?"

"Shut the up..." I pouted.

"Let me see." He laughed. 

He parked his bike and came to my aid, ruffled my hair. From time to time I'd hate it. The gesture alone threw me off balance. I crave for more, and it feels like he never gave me enough.

Both of us pulled my bike free at some point, and we were spent. As we look at one another panting in exhaustion, we laughed.

He made things felt easy.

We rode our bycicles away from the school, wheels rolling lazily through the sunset-filled street. He would look at me from time to time. I couldn't guess what he's thinking.

What I knew is when our eyes meet, he'll give me the widest smile.

---

We don't go to the arcade, or comic book store. We rarely visit the malls either. Yunho and I likes drinking. But we're underage, so we frequent the shady alleys and backdoor black market liquor store.

He couldn't handle alcohol, to the point it makes me wonder whether he's just drinking to accompany me. But it's just wishful thinking.

We arrived at a dead end, a well lit brick alley that has one round dingy table. There were two worn out chairs facing each other, and we parked next to it. As we settled in, he cracked our beer open.

This is our spot.

"Soju?"

"Don't feel like it." I gulped it first, like a tradition. Whatever we share I get to taste it first.

"Wine? I want some."

"Wine sounds weak, but okay."

"I'll call JoonByul-hyung." Our back door liquor seller.

He dialed the phone, and I found myself lost, immersed into the thought of us. The maybes, the what ifs, the did hes. Like always. And then usually he'll snap me back to reality with something silly like--

"If you're hogging the beer, I won't get indirect kiss today."

I choked and laughed. "Yes you did."

"When?"

"The cigarettes."

"That didn't count."

"Stop treating me like your girlfriend. You have one already." I smiled as I handed over the can.

"She's not my girlfriend anymore." Our hands touched.

"Ooh. How long has it been now?"

"I don't know. 5 days? She only did it for a dare anyway." He took a big gulp and let out a satisfied sigh.

I don't think she did. She had her eyes on him for the longest time. If anyone were to notice, it would be me. 

It has always been this way. I'm beginning to question my wishful thinking. A cold sensation brushed on my left cheek. He held the can against me, and our eyes met.

Those serious eyes. I couldn't tell what he's thinking.

"What? You're not taking your indirect kiss?" He smirked.

"There's no such thing. Don't be weird." I took a little sip.

Of course I'll take it.

---

Our steps grew slower as we get closer to home, there was a tugging sensation holding us back. I wonder if all friendships are like this. I have a suspicion it might not. But I really don't know. 

I held my bike on my right side.

Him on his left.

Our shoulder brushed against one another between the steps.

Quiet. Comfortable. My heartbeat was elevated and noticable, but not enough to make me nervous.

If anything I felt alive. I felt more alive when he's around. He's my best friend and I'm his, we both know every nook and cranny of each other's minds.

But sometimes, a slither of thought, I wished we were more.

I don't know how much more.

But I wished to hold his hands.

"Jaejoong-ah." His hand suddenly on my shoulder, startled me.

"Yes? What?"

"Were you spacing out? We're here."

I missed my own house. I laughed. The thought of him erased my surroundings, everything is a blur. I am certain I took him more than just a friend. I don't know what to do with it though.

I like it the way it is.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I closed the gate.

"Can I come over?"

"Not tonight, all my sisters are home, it'll be too crowded."

"Aw man, okay then. I'll see you." He smiled.

We waved. As I walked inside my bag hit the front door lightly, crinkling the empty beer can inside. I took ot out and threw it at the nearest trashcan.

Tomorrow we'll repeat all over again.

---

Always with the fluff. I couldn't help myself. I've been feeling lovely lately, and needed to pour all the fluff out. Hopefully you like it as much as I do. Heyyy also this is probably my longest one yet. I feel accomplished haha. Thanks for reading guys.

-- yunjae-nyu