I sat on the bed, staring at the test results. It was worse than I thought. My body was deteriorating faster than we had expected, faster than I could prepare to tell Daehyun. Tears fell from my eyes and onto the papers laying in my lap. Yongguk had found out I wasn’t well in the beginning, he had no idea how bad it was. I made him promise not to tell anyone since I was sure that I could beat it. However, my judgement was dead wrong. The more hopeful I got, the weaker my body got. Sure, I should had told Daehyun when I found out I was dying, but he had enough to deal with. Why should I add onto his stress? I mean, they finally had their comeback.

Letting out a shuddering breath I looked up at myself in the mirror. It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve seen any of the boys, they’re always busy now. Daehyun would call and tell me how much he missed me. Youngjae would whenever he said he loved me. Zelo and Jongup would quickly follow in suit as Himchan would yell across the room. Yongguk would just laugh at their antics. They were all so happy. My gaunt features blared out my sickness. There’s nothing I could do to hide it from him anymore. From any of them. I loved them as much as I loved him. They had become brothers to me. Whenever Daehyun and I went through rough patches, they would be there for me as much as they would be for him. Tears ran down my pale face as a small smile spread on my cracked lips. I looked back down at the paper and noticed the main point.

I could undergo surgery but the chance of me surviving would be slim. It was either take a chance or just let myself whither away. At this rate I could pass within the next two weeks.

Making up my decision, I picked up the phone and called the doctor, arranging the appointment. Once he confirmed the date and time the day after tomorrow, I had one more problem to deal with.

How do I explain this to Daehyun? He’ll be mad for me not telling him when I found out. And if I don’t make it? He’ll blame himself for not noticing. I can’t do that to him. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness once everything is over. It’s easier to push him away before this all happens. But I can’t let me see me like this. He’ll know right away. I had to keep him away. Memories flooded my mind of how he helped me through my parents deaths, when they got the same sickness. He knew that I needed someone, that I wasn’t alright no matter what I said. He knew me better than anyone. That’s why I have to lie to him. He’ll be better off. Letting him go so he can be happy.

I spent the entire next day planning out what I was going to say to him and how after all this was over I would make it up to him. He may hate me after putting him through this, but he’ll understand. He’ll understand one day. At least I hope he will.

Dialing his number, I knew he would happy, making this so much harder. His cheerful voice calling out my name when he answered broke my heart. Soon, though, his voice sounded as heartbroken as I felt. Asking why I was breaking up with him. What did he do wrong? How could he fix it? Why did I have to do this when he was out of town and unable to come back for another week? Can we please talk about this when he got back and stay together for now?

His endless questions and self-blaming made me feel even guiltier as he started to sob quietly into the phone. Uttering a simple goodbye and I’m sorry I hung up and let out the sobs I had been holding in. It was more painful that I thought, letting go of this beautiful love. My phone had immediately blew up with notifications from him and his other members. Hell, even his mother. She had taken to calling me daughter and couldn’t wait until we were married so that she could officially be my mother and she could care for me. She was just as heartbroken as her son, but madder. I understood why she was mad at me. She’ll understand in time as well. Everyone will. It’s for the best.

As I made my way into the hospital, I had to use a cane due to how weak I was. The doctor immediately took me back to prep me. He gave me a sad look and asked if there were any requests I wanted in case I didn’t make it. I pulled out a couple pieces of paper. One with my feelings towards Daehyun spilled out on it and the other his number. The doctor nodded his head and promised he would give it to him.

Daehyun had convinced their manager to let him go the day after the breakup as he insisted there was something wrong. I was acting peculiar. He immediately got to my apartment, searching for me. Noticing it was empty he left, not noticing the papers lying on the bed. Not noticing the bottles of medication lying on the vanity. Not noticing any of the medical equipment that had been installed in several places of the building, only looking for me. His search continued to several spots I would often go. He couldn’t call any friends of mine, since all I had was him and the boys.

His search came to a close as his phone rang and the caller ID had said the hospital. His heart dropped and his blood ran cold as he answered it and the doctor explained what had happened to him.

The surgery was a failure. As of December 4, 2015 at 2:34 pm, I was dead. My body was too weak to be saved. The same sickness that had taken my parents all those years ago had now taken me. Daehyun raced to the hospital to receive the last gift I had left him.

His eyes filled with tears as he fell to his knees, his entire world crumbling as he looked at my lifeless body, gaunt and pale. The doctor patted his shoulder before handing the piece of paper to him. Daehyun looked at it as tears dropped down on the paper, making some of the ink bleed.

This is a beautiful lie
My last lie
Even if it hurts to death
I am hiding myself under a mask for you
I see myself in the mirror and I ask myself
Will it really make you happy if I let you go?
I’ll throw myself away completely because you need quiet time to yourself
Did I say those things without even meaning it?
As I replay your face when you screamed go away
I’m tainting our memories that were beautiful
I haven’t imagined a life without you yet but please be happy
So that at least my lie can shine
I’m letting go of your tightly held hands
But my heart is still the same
But I’ll let you go
I’m letting go of your hands
But my heart is still the same
I think it’s best for you if I end it right here
This is a beautiful lie
My last lie
Even if it hurts to death
I am hiding myself under a mask for you
It’s alright if you leave me
I want you t be happy
Oh I’m
I’m a beautiful
I’m a beautiful liar
You keep shedding tears in front of me
It was an unexpected line that led to the next chapter
You told me to take back the words I spit out
As you hold onto my face
Then you collapsed off your feet
This isn’t the future I thought of
It seemed like a sin to look at you like a lonely tied up dog
So I’m swallowing up my feelings and letting you go
You must live better than me, promise me
But the moment I said that, you turned around
I won’t hang onto you, I will smile
This is me, don’t hesitate anymore
Leave me
It’s time for me to give you
The last bits of my heart
The fact that we loved is beautiful
It’s time for me to give you
The last bits of my heart
The fact that we loved is beautiful
Me with iron shackles on my legs
Is more like me than ever before
(You turned around, ran to me
Told me not to say stupid lies
As you smiled in front of me)
It’s a beautiful pain
Letting you go
I have to kill myself inside
Swallow my tears
And put on a smiling mask
I feel so relieved now
Please don’t worry about me
Oh I’m
I’m a beautiful
No, a cowardly liar

To my Daehyunnie-

I’m so terribly sorry that it ended this way. If you’re reading this then I didn’t make it through the surgery. I didn’t want you to know how sick I was. I was so sure that I would be able to beat it. I was so sure, until I got weaker and my body started to fail me. I couldn’t walk by myself anymore. If I didn’t try this surgery I would gone in the next two weeks. I didn’t want you to worry about me, so I had to lie to you. I had to push you away because, I know you sweetie. You’re blaming yourself right now because you never noticed. It’s not your fault. I hid it from you and the others. I didn’t want you to find out. I didn’t want you to worry about me, just focus on your comeback. That’s why I am so incredibly sorry it turned out this way. I still love you, baby. And I always will. Please tell Omma that I love her too. And the boys. I love you all so much. You’re all my family. Don’t miss me too much. Please be happy, please don’t beat yourself up over this. I don’t like it when your upset. Be happy, Daehyun. Smile, baby. Always smile.

His tears were shared with his mother, his brothers, and some of the fans as my death was announced. His heart never truly healed. He was angry with me for sometime after. I understood why he was so angry. But after a while, he realized what I meant to do. And he kept that crumpled tear stained paper with him all the time, reminding him to always to smile.