Jongin is afraid of many things. But, it is still wrong to state that he is less manly, because he is a man in every definition. Jongin, is the man with tender, soft heart, he is the real definition of complete gentleman.

Since his childhood, he was never afraid of loud barking coming from wild dog, but he was afraid of stepping upon small ants.

Jongin, since kid, was always afraid to touch the delicate petals, but he can carefreely play with fire, as if it was the safest thing to play.

Jongin is afraid of chasing out bugs, but he could casually touch snake without flinch.

Jongin isn’t coward…it’s just that, he afraid of things in weird way.

When he turns into an adult, the thing he afraid the most is the kindness. What if, he was among one of the guy who took kindness for granted? What if, he wasn’t able to repay the kindness?

In his romance life, he afraid to love. He afraid to hurt others.

His adulthood full of the thoughts of ‘what if’.

So, it takes all of his, to finally confess to Junmyeon. The older is one of the kindest hyung he has ever met in his life. He is attracted to the smaller guy because of his kindness, but at the same time, jongin also fear him because of the same exact reason. Is it irony? And his fear to Junmyeon doesn’t stop there, because Junmyeon above all, is the most patient guy he has ever known. What if, Junmyeon couldn’t wait for him any longer? What if, his last defence of patience collapsed? their relationship would have turn into the most bizarre thing.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

“Hyung, please fall in love with me…”

“Nope…”

“hyunnggggggg…”

“Silly…I can’t fall in love with you because I’ve always been in love with you…”

The memory of his love confession to Junmyeon lingers in Jongin’s mind. At the age of 25 years old at that time, he has never confessed. It is his first love confession, and he swears with his own life to make it the last too.

Time flies so fast, in the blink of eyes, and it has been one year ever since. Tonight is their first anniversary …actually, he is a bit later.

He is holding the wheel, on his way driving back to his shared private apartment with Junmyeon, as he catches a glance of his watch wrapped on his left wrist. It’s already thirty minutes past one in the morning, Jongin notices. He has just finished his recording of the new album for their upcoming comeback

His hectic and frantic schedules as an idol takes the better of him. He barely has time to spend with his hyung. Junmyeon’s understanding and kind words clenches his hurt painfully. Once for a while, he wishes his hyung could throw tantrum or being grumpy to him, to make him feel less guilty. But no, Junmyeon has always been kind to him.

Anxious and overwhelming fear plastered all over his face. Jongin afraid that his lover probably still waits for him at home, to celebrate their very first anniversary. The day earlier, He already reminded Junmyeon do not wait for him, but knowing the elder, he probably too stubborn to listen to him.

And in the middle of his journey, it’s started to drizzle. A tiny drip of rain drops upon the glass of windshield, and soon it forms sprinkle pattern but then glides down slowly. He doesn’t fear of loud thunderstorm, but he scared of silent rain. What if, Junmyeon hyung cried in silent? And he feels Junmyeon is actually crying while waiting for him. He imagines that the rain drops that glides down the glass shield is the tears from Junmyeon’s eyes stream down his porcelain cheeks.

He still remembers it pretty well, the memory of crying Junmyeon in the rain. How he was crying alone in the garden, when he failed to be an idol, but still trying hard to look put together. How Junmyeon was selfless and still thinking about others when he himself was unfortunate.

So, It hurts Jongin to incidentally hurt Junmyeon…..

The wipers wipe the rain drops, up and down on the glass shield repetitively to clear his field of vision, but unknowingly everything in front of him is becoming more blurred and fuzzy. He didn’t realise it earlier, he didn’t realise tears is already welled up in his eyes and impending to stream down on to his cheeks. His thought is full of Junmyeon, and he can’t wait to reach home, to wipe away all the tears from Junmyeon’s eyes.

He speeds up his drive….

….

A mystery came to me,

With a face of an angel,

Your warmth,

The only one who loves you,

Staying by your side

Is that me?

His own song with Exo, ‘For Life’ greets him once he steps into their shared apartment. He listens to it more attentively now than he could have ever been, because it’s his Junmyeon hyung who plays this song, right on their first anniversary. He is taken aback by how amazingly this song portrays his own feeling toward Junmyeon, and how downright it complements the atmosphere. Junmyeon is simply amazing to have chosen this song.

He has so many feelings and thoughts about Junmyeon right now. His heart silently giggles at the thought of Junmyeon fanboying him, his own boyfriend. He was indeed his fanboy first before becoming his boyfriend. Junmyeon has always been there for him, back when he was still unknown to many till now, when he’s known to the whole world. The elder showers him with so many kind words, telling him that he is talented and he is proud of him. But, instead, Jongin thought, he is the one who is proud of other because Junmyeon never afraid to show his countless support to him.

Junmyeon is his fanboy, supporter, boyfriend, a lover, and above all, his life. The elder is too precious to him and he wants to protect the other dearly, he wants to serve him right….

-

The dim light accompanies by the slow ballad song give him wave of romantic and melancholic feel. Of course, it should have been. The candle light illuminates the entire living room. It is the only source of light, but it already reaches to the level where most of it has been melted, and any sooner the light would be out. It hits Jongin hard in the way that he couldn’t even describe it by word. He has done something unforgiven– Junmyeon has been waiting patiently for him for too long, never complaining, sacrifice himself too much without receiving anything in return. His heart is beautiful and his loyalty is priceless.

Is it okay to love Junmyeon the way it is now?- receiving without returning the interest. Is he allowed to hold and dependent on Junmyeon any longer? The way it is right now, the only rational thing to do is to let Junmyeon go and make him free. But no, he can’t bring himself to do either of that…

Jongin couldn’t hold his tears any longer as the sight of sleeping, curling Junmyeon on the couch is visible to his eyes. He slowly approaches the elder.

Junmyeon is wearing oversized, long sleeves, button up white shirt. The other probably have prepared little y thing, Jongin notices as the elder doesn’t wear pants and the neck part is hanging too low on his small frame, exposing his right shoulder. Junmyeon has always been so extra. The elder probably have prepared something special for him, but he is the one who ruins it.

Once he hovers over Junmyeon, he halts, taking a good sweet time to just admire Junmyeon’s beauty in his entirety. He is amazed by how breathtakingly beautiful Junmyeon is under the dim light, even in his just simple plain white shirt. He looks calm when he sleeps. A little angel. A sweet little white lily….

“I’m sorry, “.he muttered as he gently combs Junmyeon’s black lock away from his face.

Jongin is careful not to wake up the elder, as he holds Junmyeon at the level of his chest and knee, slowly lifting him up without difficulty and carrying him bridal style to their shared bed room.

Junmyeon is always too small, is always too light in his arm. Jongin wonders for how many times he has hurt this little being, for many times he has break his heart. Probably countless times. But Junmyeon stands still for him, for their relationship. His answer has always been a smile, and smile and smile again and again. If anyone had encounter Junmyeon for the very first time, they probably had mistaken the elder as weak. But Jongin has known Junmyeon since the longest time, has shared countless battles and struggles together, knows that Junmyeon is indeed is the strongest person. His gentle look is always deceiving.

Jongin gently lays Junmyeon onto their bed and covers the elder up with the duvet. Jongin plants a small kiss on crown of Junmyeon’s head, slowly whispering him a good night. Junmyeon instantaneously curls up again. It’s his comfortable position of sleeping, Jongin notices.

Jongin takes a shower and changes into night wear. He took another side, and lays down besides Junmyeon, facing the other. His left hand insinuates the space between Junmyeon and mattress, wrapping his waist protectively while his free hand traces the delicate feature of Junmyeon’s face. His fingers lightly touch the elder’s cheeks; it pangs his hurt when he realises that they are indeed wet. His fingers linger the trail of remaining tears and gently wipe it away. “I’m sorry…” again he says as he tugs Junmyeon head just below his own chin.

It is still raining outside, and the gentle rain shyly taps against the window pane. It’s chills and cold, but it is so blissful to just firmly hold junmyeon like this, to listen to his calm breathing and his steady heart beat. It’s still a wonder to Jongin, even after one year of living together on how easily their body fit to each other.

Jongin is almost doze off to sleep, when at particular moment, there’s loud thunderstorm, barking through entire air, and it seems as if the lightning tried to invade their room.

Jongin feels grateful that he arrived home earlier. He couldn’t have Junmyeon crying alone at home. The elder particularly scare of thunderstorm.

Jongin notices the small figures besides him flinches in his sleep. Junmyeon scouts closer to him, clutching the cloth material that Jongin is wearing, as if asking for protection. He probably has a nightmare as a soft whimper escapes from his lips.

Jongin instinctively comforts the elder, calming him from the fear. “shhhhh…it’s okay…I’m here..” Jongin whispers as he rubs Junmyeon’s back, trying to sooth him.

It warms his heart to protect Junmyeon. It may be sound silly a little bit, on how trivial thing like this touches his heart. He finds his own joy and smiles silently, feeling satisfied with his own self when Junmyeon’s small hands hold his firm chest for his dear life. It’s indeed funny when Junmyeon rubs his chest up and down several times, sniffing his scent as if he want to attest himself if he was still in dream or everything was real.

“Huh???”

As if he just realised that he is no longer in his dream. Jongin looks down, to be greeted by Junmyeon’s eyes which stuttered opens. Like a lost child, the elder blinks several times, with the disbelieve look in his eyes, as if it was a magical thing that he was indeed in Jongin’s arm. Jongin immediately found his love again in that very gentle, kind orbs of his.

“Jongin….”

“Yes…”

Junmyeon abruptly sits up and clumsily straddles Jongin. He throws himself onto Jongin’s chest like an overjoyed, excited kitten who has just seen his owner from afar. The elder has never been this carefree, as he pays no mind that he might put too much his weight on Jongin, but Jongin has never been this happy to receive this much affection and feeling so much welcomed.

“I’m happy that you’re here…welcome home…” Junmyeon hugs him tightly and hide his flushed face at the crook of Jongin’s neck.

Jongin’s heart swells hearing Junmyeon’s words – how the elder is always grateful and happy by just simplest thing. How the elder is simply happy just by him being there for him, just him be himself.

“Thank you. I miss you a lot, hyung…”

Junmyeon pulled himself back, to have a better look into Jongin’s eyes. His small hands cup Jongin’s face. “I miss you too Jongin. Why didn’t you wake me up?” Junmyeon asks. He pouts cutely. Jongin expects that Junmyeon probably seeks for revenge, but no, Junmyeon is always kind hearted.

This time, Jongin sits up, properly facing Junmyeon. “I’m sorry…” he says again, as the tears already started collecting again at the corner of his eyes. Jongin gently wraps his arm around Junmyeon’s small figure, letting his head fall at the crook of the other’s neck. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….” His breath hitch in the sobbing mess. Junmyeon easily reciprocates the move as he taps Jongin’s back, trying to comfort him. With Junmyeon, he has no shame for being a such big crying baby. “I’m sorry for hurting you for so many times, I’m sorry for ruining our first anniversary…” his voice muffled because of heaviness of his own guilt. He lets his tears pour down, wetting Junmyeon’s white shirt.

“No, you didn’t. I think this is perfect. I mean…just you and me, hugging like this…”Junmyeon replies, still rubbing and tapping his back alternately.

And Jongin really wants to cry even more. He never thought crying could be this comforting. He never thought he would cry peacefully in somebody’s arm. And that person is literally far smaller and fragile than him. But right now, he wishes nothing more than this.

“I’m afraid hyung..” he blurts out once he almost calm down from his sob.

Junmyeon once again pulled Jongin off from him. “Why?”

“I’m always afraid of so many things. What I ‘m afraid the most is to lose you…” Jongin answered.

“No you wouldn’t, because I’m always here for you. I hope you can find your courage in me….”

“Will you wait for me for some more time?…” Jongin asks again, trying to clear his fear, uncertainty and doubt.

Junmyeon smiles, as if he was hiding so many answers. He stares back at Jongin fondly. “For how long I’ve been waiting for you to finally confess and get rejected at the same time?”

“Hyung…”

“Tell me…”

“Ten years of waiting, and eight times rejection…” Jongin finally mutters. It still amazes Jongin, even after countless failures, the elder was still trying and unswerving. How the small, delicate frame like his holds a strong-willed heart; outside looks delicate like a flower but inside strong like a diamond.

“Ten years of waiting and eight times rejection…” Junmyeon paused, mirroring the answer. “What if I had to wait for some more time? That is nothing compares to ten years of waiting and eight times rejection. I’ll be waiting for you if you need some more time. I’ll be waiting for you even after another 10 years, 20 years or 30 years, that is if the time allows me to stay put together…”

“Why are you like this hyung? You should have hate me by now….” Jongin retaliates.

“Because before others and anything else, I’ve known you as Kim Jongin not Kai. The one who is facing me right now is him, the sweetest and the most innocent guy I’ve made my mind to spend my life time with…”

Not every angel can fly, not every angel has wings. Perhaps, God has send to him different type of angel long before his own existence. Jongin wants to believe that Junmyeon is his falling angel, an angel without wing.

“Today, hugging you tightly…”

“Giving you my heart and soul…”

“Because you’re my everything, for life” Jongin slowly sings some part of ‘For Life’ song. His voice can barely be heard because he is still sobbing, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Oh, even if I’m born again”

“I can’t be with anyone but you…’

“I want to be with you forever…” Junmyeon continues singing the other part. Jongin nods slowly, approving. May be Junmyeon recalls the lyric better than himself.

Once Junmyeon stops singing, Jongin takes this chance to close the gap between him and the other. He cups and caresses the elder’s beautiful face with so much tenderness and utmost care before planting his lips against the other, timid and gentle. Even in his boyish shyness, he could tell that Junmyeon easily melts in his arm.

And the rain still pours down, but it feels heavenly in each other’s arm.

They kiss, hug and wipe each other’s tears again and again until no more rain. They comfort each other until they fall asleep in each other’s arm. Perhaps, crying together is more meaningful than cheering and laughing alone. And Jongin learnt that in the most beautiful way.