Did he regret leaving?

No, not really.

Does he miss s?

Well. Yes.

Luhan is sitting in his own apartment. A place where he can actually get a hot shower, without having to save hot water for his younger members. Where he can eat what he wants (as long as it fits within his diet), without having others asking for some as well. A place where he can sit how he wants and talk in whatever language he wants, without being judged for it.

A quiet place.

A place for himself.

A lonely place.

God, he misses s. After years of training together, living together and working together, he was still not used to the loneliness that he felt late at night whith no one else in his bedroom, or in the bedroom next to his. He found comfort in the sounds of other people living with him. He was used to falling asleep to the sound of someone snoring in the background, or someone walking towards the kitchen for a midnight-snack.

He felt lonely. He was scared.

Scared to call them.

He left them.

They never left him.

He just couldn’t anymore. He could no longer deal with the plain racists within the company. Since Kris left he could feel their eyes on him. Daring him, taunting him. At first he had wanted to prove them a point.

He loved s, he was never going to leave them if he had another choice.

The company was just so incredibly mean and distrusting towards him. His diet was stricter. Like the boys were barely allowed to eat anything to begin with, but Luhan, Tao and Lay and at first Kris as well. They ate less than a meal a day. For Luhan it was manageable. Tao almost fainted on the daily during his tricks. And Lay, being the main dancer in EXO-M, he was faint even after a ‘meal’. He was always forced to be moving around. The ‘spacing out’ the fans seemed to love about him, wasn’t as much him spacing out as Lay trying not to faint or catching some rest. Kris luckily never had ‘extra’ physical activity, but was forced to run around after teenagers who didn’t want to listen and bare responsibility when he was no way to fault for what happened.

As for Luhan himself. He was just tired. He could deal with the lack of food, his managers claiming he was nothing but a pretty face for the fans, the pressure put on him to be entertaining because “he had to make up for his lack of talent to the fans”.

But he could no longer stand the tiredness of the 2 expectations, labels, the people around him put on him. On one side you had s and most of the fans, who hoped and wished for him to stay. Who loved him till the end and back, who spoke up on the issue of unfair treatment within the company. But no matter how much they loved him, they were anticipating his leave, Luhan could see it in their eyes, the disappointment, the fear of losing yet another member but also the hope that kept them going. The hope that their love would be enough in the end. He could still see those eyes on him. He woke up drenched in cold sweat with those eyes still burning behind his eyelids.

The other side….

Well the other side was right. They knew he would leave. Not because of a noble cause, like Kris and eventually Tao did, but because of his own stupid weaknesses. Kris and Tao left because of the mistreatment they received. Because they wanted to draw attention of the discrimination towards foreign idols within this damned industry, this company. No, Luhan left because he couldn’t live with the stares and judgement. Luhan wanted to make the others proud. He really did. He lasted as long as he could.

He survived as long as he could.

It wasn’t long enough. He wasn’t good enough, just like everyone said. He failed the only people who cared for him in a distant country and strange culture.

He failed his brothers.

But he still didn’t regret leaving. He was dying.

Slowly.

On his own.

Isolated.

He didn’t regret leaving to do his own thing. His solo career is going great, he even has a girlfriend now. Something that wouldn’t have happened for another 5 years if he would have stayed.

He did regret taking a piece of his brothers with him. Luhan remembered sitting down with them. Telling them his decision to go. Telling them to forget him, remove him from their hearts.

He wasn’t worth it anyway.