He was a part of me, I felt so connected to him and when he left I felt a numbness. I was emotionally exhausted and tired constantly, what was I meant to do though? I couldn't change anything. What happened, happened and as much as I wish it wasn't true. It was, And always was going to be. That's what I thought, that was my truth. But you know what they say, you can make the future your own and in this case, I did have the chance. To not only make my own future but to understand the past.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

I woke up in a cold sweat and pulled my phone up to check the time, it was 3:00 am and the sun wasn't going to rise for a long long time. The blind was down letting the tiny bit of light from both the moon and a streetlight down the street illuminate the outline softly. I turned my phone off completely and laid my head back down on my pillow before shutting my eyes again.

I don't know how long my eyes had been shut but the bright blue light that now flooded out from behind my blinds was enough to make everything in my room visible. I sat up in my bed and pulled the duvet off my legs. Sliding my legs off the edge of my bed I walked toward my window and slowly drew up the blinds. The light was too strong for me to look at without squinting. The source of the light couldn't be seen. It was as if it was coming from everywhere outside of this one room. Even the blue light was now seeping out from underneath my door and the cracks of my wardrobe.

Now even my drawers were shining with light behind every compartment. I walked up to a stack and pulled open a drawer, the way the light moved and flowed out of the draw was like smoke as if it was slowly falling water. I should be scared right now but there was something, a humming almost that kept me from feeling the fear. Kep me comfortable and calm in this crazy environment. 

My hand reached out and my fingertips tingled as the light clung to my skin. I pulled myself away and made my way to the door. There was a slight hesitation but before I could think anything more I turned the handle, yanked the door open and let the liquid light cascade over me like a wave.

 

My surroundings were completely White, not a single shadow existed around me for a brief second before the light faded away and I saw my surroundings had completely changed. I was in a meadow, the grass reaching up to my waist and it was filled to the brim with daisies and other pastel colored flowers that I couldn't name if I tried.

Looking up into the sky I saw that The sun was shining ever so brightly and yet alongside the light from the sun stood a close image of the moon as if we were right next to it. The sky was light blue with a mix of purples and pinks marbled through it. Wherever I am this is surely not earth. My limbs felt weightless and my mind felt completely unburdened.

A bright blue light shot up into the sky and exploded like fireworks, breaking me out of my awe. Where it came from was in front of me, I could see a large circle in the grass as if it had been trodden down or cut away. I walked forward, getting closer to the area and as I arrived I soon noticed that there was a person looking up into the sky, in as much awe as I had just been.

As I broke through the last part of the grass surrounding the circle the man turned and looked at me. His face showed a kind smile, tilted eyes, and defined features. At that moment I was paralyzed, my feet rooted in the ground, unable to move. The man in front of me. He shouldn't be here, he shouldn't be anywhere, for a year ago he disappeared from my life for what I thought was forever.

I stepped forward, and my feet carried me until I was right in front of him. My hand reached out and my fingers brushed his cheek, the corners of his mouth raised a little further. A chuckle escaped his lips and the familiar tone rung through my ears. Jonghyun.

"It's really you,"

"Of Course I am," He said 

"But you left us, how can you be here? How can I be here with you? I don't understand,"

"I guess this is what happens, this is where we go. The great beyond as you might say," he smiles peacefully "Take a walk with me," He says putting a hand out in front of him. "This way," That smile is so different from what we had been seeing for so long, it was genuine happiness. I kept looking at his face as we walked forward together out of the circle into the grass. He looked forward as we went, leaning back into the rays of the sun. 

"How-How are you?" I stuttered as I asked this seemingly simple question. How would he reply? How is someone like him meant to reply to this.

"I guess I'm good, I'm happy here," He quivered in his smile for a second but put it back in its place. I looked towards him for a longer answer to this question. "This place gives me peace, a means to an end as such. The way I got here is not all that good, but I don't think I could have gotten something better than this."

"Aren't you lonely here?" My breathing calms as I ask this question.

"Not really, You're the first person I've seen in such a long time but I'm better here. I feel less lonely than before, I used to have people all around me but it felt as if they couldn't hear me-couldn't understand me but now it's just me, and it's peaceful. There is never silence here, always the cool summer breeze, sounds of birds and rustling of the grass."

He stopped walking after a long while of walking, the grass had gotten significantly shorter, now only standing a few centimeters tall, he grabbed my hand and pulled me down to a seated position before lying down. I lay down next to him placing my hands beneath my head and resting on my side so I could look at him. He was looking up dreamily into the pastel sky.

"Well enough about me, I want to know about you. How have you been all this time?" Jonghyun questioned.

"I'm fine," I reply quickly. He gives me a look, raising his eyebrows and turning his body on its side to look at me. He means for me to go on but I don't know if I can. "Not much has gone on since you left, there's not much to say about me. I've missed you, but then again there are a whole lot more people than just me." I sigh. "It's been difficult, some days I can do nothing but think of all the things I didn't do, all the things that I could've done. I regret too much but that's just how I am," I smile awkwardly. "One thing I always wanted to know is why. Why did you?"

"There's plenty of reasons but for the most part it was difficult, I couldn't have the normal life I wanted. I wanted a family and kids without having the burden of their whole lives being documented. I chose the wrong path in life, I worked for it so desperately and when it happened I was so genuinely happy. But the longer I lived that Life the more difficult I realized my life would become. My family and my friends helped me so much, they tried to understand they tried to get me help but in the end, I knew I only really had one choice, and anything I did would simply delay it." He faltered in his smile, "I wouldn't take it back, I wouldn't do it differently because whatever I did I think it would have the same outcome as this reality,"

I smiled back at him, understanding more about what happened. Hearing it from him not just written down on a piece of paper clarifies the feeling he wanted to get across. No matter what I go through I will Know that this man in front of me right now struggled more, he managed to get through more and achieve more than I ever will. He spoke out about this and most of us never understood but now we do, we try to understand the feelings he experienced and hear them through the melodies sung out by his voice,

"You have to leave soon," His voice brought me out of my thoughts.

"What? No! I don't want to go, please let me stay here."

"I don't think that's my choice, you have to go back. You don't belong here, it's not your time just yet."

"I've just got you back don't make me go," My eyes well with tears that I can no longer hold back. "I want to thank you for helping me through all the hard times I want to thank you from everyone around the world that cherishes you so dearly, I need more time." 

"I know all of that already I've been watching over everyone, I hear you everytime you speak to me and don't worry, I'll see you again someday when your final days come, I'll be there with you. I know that the road for everyone isn't easy but know that I am always there, so make the most of your future choose your path and make your own waves, be happy. Because no one is going to be happy for you."

"Trust that I am well. Know that I am happier here than I was before and that this is what I needed. I am not suffering anymore. I am happy."

I see his smile one last time before the bright light that covered me before blinds my vision. I close my eyes but when I open them again the light is gone and I am stood in front of the white door of my bedroom once again. I place my forehead again the cold wood and close my eyes I whisper to myself knowing that he can here.

'Thank you Jonghyun, for everything. I'll be waiting for when I get to see you again'

I love you so much, it's been a year I hope you are okay now JJong, live well, be happy and healthy and I'll see you soon xxx