Yuta could only see his back but he still felt an ache behind his ribs as he stared at the dark haired boy at the other end of the cafeteria. Lined up by the food concessionaire was the boy he had loved. Yuta knew when he found out about the other boy’s addiction that he had to stop; that it would ruin them and destroy what they had. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop. He made himself believe that it was okay. After all, if you loved someone, weren’t you supposed to love all of them? Weren’t you supposed to love even the parts of them that slowly ate them up and hurt them? Weren’t you supposed to accept them for who they are and not ask that they change for you?

Yuta in a breath as the boy turned and he saw his face. The face that once contained all the light in Yuta’s world was hollow and dry. Instead, a boy with dark circles under his eyes and tousled hair stood in the middle of a sea of people. Yuta could see his thin white and bony hands shake slightly as he clutched at his tray of food. His lips were turned down in a scowl and his brows were knit together in annoyance. Yuta didn’t like it. He didn’t like seeing those things in the other boy especially when he knew what those features were like before. How they were always curved up in a bright smile that made Yuta’s heart jump and his stomach fill with butterflies. But more than anything it was the other boy’s eyes that he hated the most. Yuta froze when he looked into those dark eyes. What used to be filled with passion and brightness was now black and emotionless. Two black holes. Yuta thought. His eyes were now two black holes that contained no shred of happiness and light. And Yuta remembered the first time he saw Winwin.

-

Like any true student, Yuta was in the middle of class dozing off when a sudden announcement was made about a school performance. He remembered waking up and scrunching his nose at the thought of watching a measly school performance. “Do we all really have to go?” He said out loud, annoyed that his sleep had been disturbed. “Hey, at least we can get out of here.” Jaehyun said. He then realized being in the auditorium meant being hidden among a sea of students in the dark. Which means, a perfect opportunity to doze off when the urge came again. And Yuta was doing exactly that the moment he was sat at the auditorium when sudden voices of exclamation woke him. He looked around and saw that the stage had suddenly filled with smoke and a figure was standing up in the middle of it. Unable to go back to sleep he looked in fascination as the boy on stage looked up, his beautiful face determined. Yuta stared in awe as the beautiful boy started to dance. He was amazed at his swift, soft, fluid movements; his steady flips and splits. Lights had blazed up around the stage as the beautiful boy matched his every breath and every step with the soft and calming music that was playing. The grace, elegance, and strength of his every move were breathtaking. It was only when the boy faced him and their eyes met that Yuta was struck. In those eyes he saw a flaming passion that burned and rage with fire. And over the course of a few months, those same eyes would be his. Those same eyes would look at him with the same intensity and desire before all their fire would burn out. Before their flames suddenly die out, leaving only a cold darkness behind.

-

As Winwin walked to take his seat, Yuta could still see the grace in his steps and the beautiful features of his face. But now his heart hurt at that beauty. The same beauty that he used to marvel at. The same beauty that now hides the venomous poison that would soon tear his beautiful self apart. It clawed at Yuta’s insides to know that there was nothing he could do to save Winwin and that his love had not been the love that the other boy wanted. Love, he thought, was sometimes not one wanted after all. Sometimes they wanted destruction in place of it and it hurt him again to think of how Winwin would one day be permanently undone by his own hands as Yuta could only watch in agonizing pain.