Walk On, Don't Forget About Me
Live On, White CarnationIt has been a week since they lost their beloved second eldest. The first few days had been tough for the boys, an obvious gloom looms over their heads and lingers in the apartment. Each time one of them passes Yunhyeong’s room, memories of him rushes back into their minds, causing them to tear up as they can faintly hear his laughter ringing in their ears. Sometimes when they pass the kitchen, they can see a familiar silhouette near the stove, the faint humming and small gasps that he used to make while cooking. Those two areas were the toughest to pass by.
They were still in denial—still refusing that he is really gone. None of them wanted to open the individual envelops that Yunhyeong left for them. They knew that if they read the contents of the letter, it would validate what they refuse to accept.
‘We can’t continue like this.’ The eldest was the first who slowly pulls himself together. In his room one night, he finally opens the letter for him.
‘Jinhwan-hyung,
Please, forgive me.
His hands were already shaking, already feeling a lump forming on his throat.
I’m so sorry, hyung. I’m so so sorry. You can be angry at me, call me stupid and selfish, I deserve it. How could I do this to myself? To all of us? I just…I was so scared, hyung. I was losing him, hyung. I should’ve confide to you about it. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to ruin your relationship.
“What relationship are you talking about?” Jinhwan whispers shakily as he bites his lower lip, tears forming, some already leaking. “Yunhyeong you idiot, you should’ve asked. You should’ve went to me first and asked.”
Do you still remember the night when you came to my room and knocked? And I told you I was fine?
Jinhwan nodded, sniffling a bit, “But you weren’t, am I right?” he mumbles.
To be honest, I wasn’t. I’m sure you came cause you heard my coughing fit, and maybe you’re thinking that I told you to go away cause it was nothing. That’s not it, Jinhwan-hyung. I was scared that you’d find a petal on my hand.
He chokes back a sob, shaking his head at that.
I didn’t want you to find out about my feelings as well. It wasn’t important anyway because you all are happy. He’s happy. And that’s all that matters.
His shoulders were shaking slightly as he tries to clear his tears by blinking.
I was stupid, hyung. Am still stupid honestly. No one knew. I wanted to keep it that way because if someone knows, it’ll burden them and I might ruin everything else, especially the friendship that I treasure more. I don’t want that, hyung. I’d rather suffer alone than to drag you all down with me.
“For once in your life, Song Yunhyeong, can’t you be a little more selfish?” The eldest whimpers, hugging his legs to his chest as he reads.
There are times that I want to scream about it, but I keep telling myself “Don’t be selfish” so I kept quiet. But I realized that I am being selfish. I only thought of my feelings and not yours. You all are important to me, hyung. Your smiles, laughter, happiness. Seeing that, I’m already content. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
”What about your happiness? Why don’t you want to ask for that?”
Your happiness is my happiness, and I tried to protect that. But…I think I failed, hyung. And I’m so sorry.
“Please…stop apologizing…”
I became a burden once again, and you have to clean up the mess I left.
”That’s not true…”
I’m sorry hyung. I love you all, I really do. I’m sorry.
”I’m so sorry….”
I know this is shameless of me to ask, but please look after them, hyung. I’m not fit to do it anymore, and I’m no longer there.
“You’re here, you idiot. You’re always here with us.”
I know that you’ll always help and care for them. But still, please do. Especially Chanwoo, hyung. If something happens and I’m no longer there, please do whatever it takes to help him. If by some twisted fate brought by destiny, do whatever it takes to stop it. No matter what the consequence is. Don’t let him go down the path I walked. Please keep a close eye on him.
Jinhwan whimpers and nods, the letter now stained with a few of his teardrops.
I beg you, Jinhwan-hyung, save him.
He nods once more, not trusting his throat to produce a coherent answer.
Thank you, Jinanie-hyung. I’m so proud to say that you’re the hyung that I do not have. You were always so strong, you kept us together, and for that I am eternally grateful. I just hope that you’re not ashamed of having a dongsaeng like me. I’m sorry.
Please leave everything in the past. It’ll be okay. Everything will be okay. Be positive. Be happy. I love you, hyung.
Jinhwan puts the letter down and tilts his head up, “Yunhyeong-ah…” he calls out weakly, “Of course I’m proud of you. You’ve worked so hard, even until now.” He hiccups slightly then he squeezes his eyes shut as more tears flow, a sob escaping his lips. “Thank you. I love you too.” His voice breaks as he curls up.
It was a long night.
The next day, the boys were awakened by the aroma of food drifting into their rooms. It had been a while since the kitchen was used, but now they found their eldest cooking them breakfast. “Jinhwan-hyung…” Donghyuk mumbles, eyebrows furrowing up. Jinhwan looks over his shoulder and sees four faces filled with emotion, he gives them a soft and reassuring smile, “Go and have a seat, let’s eat.” He says softly and finishes cooking the last dish. They weren’t complete, but Jinhwan understands. He was thankful that he also decides to set aside an extra portion, just in case someone gets hungry again.
When they were seated, some were staring blankly at their plates while the others at the vacant seat. This was the first time they ate together in a week, well, most of them. The eldest gives off a soft exhale, putting the last dish on the table then goes to his seat. “What are you waiting for? The food’s getting cold.” He says gently, picking up his chopsticks and begins to eat. One by one, the others followed. Jinhwan could hear soft sniffles amidst the sound of eating. He smiles and closes his eyes. It wasn’t as good as how Yunhyeong makes it but seeing the emotions of the others flow freely as they eat, he thinks that it’s okay.
They’ll be okay.
The next to open the letter was Hanbin. He wasn’t ready yet, but Jinhwan encouraged him to. “I know it’s hard, Hanbin-ah. But it’ll be okay.” Funny to say, that was enough.
Hanbin-ah,
From such a young age, you’ve been amazing. You gave everything up to be here. You carried each of our burdens on your shoulders, and you led us to the top. You’re so strong, Bin-ah, so strong. I’m so proud of you.
Once again, I’m so sorry for being a failure. I hope that my failure will not hinder all of you.
Please, Bin-ah, please lift them up to their feet again. Please help them stand up. You all must continue on. In life, it is the strongest who survives. But you can only be strong if you are united. It’s better to finish last but complete rather than first but alone.
You continue to work hard, for everyone’s sake. But please, please learn how to rest. Please sleep and eat properly. Your well-being is more important than anything else. How can you care for others if you can’t care for yourself? Learn to take a break and rest, Hanbin. You’ve earned it more than you ever know. You’ve worked hard. I’m so proud of you.
It was really hard, but true to what their eldest said, he can feel that everything will eventually be alright.
It’s going to be hard, Hanbin-ah, but all of you must continue on. Please set aside the failures and walk on. But never forget those failures, Hanbin-ah, learn from them so that you’ll avoid making the same mistakes again. You can do it, I’ll always be rooting for you.
Don’t worry. Everything will be alright. Rest, Hanbin. I love you.
He will never forget his hyung’s words, he made a promise to Yunhyeong that they will continue on. After all, Yunhyeong is right. Failures are made in order to improve. There’s nothing wrong with failure.
“But there’s one thing that you’re wrong, hyung.” Hanbin mumbles, his eyes drifting upward to the first lines that Yunhyeong said to him.
I’m so sorry, Hanbinnie I failed you. I failed everyone else. Hyung’s a failure. Please, forgive me.
“There’s nothing to forgive, hyung. You’ve never been a failure.”
The heavy atmosphere around them was slowly but surely lifting. Jinhwan was grateful and thankful that Hanbin was slowly coming about. He nearly cried when he saw him get up early in the morning to help set up the table, sending him the same reassuring smile that Jinhwan gave them two days ago. For the succeeding days, while Jinhwan cooks, Hanbin goes to wake the others up after he finishes setting the table. Jinhwan knew that he finally read the letter, and he knew that whatever Yunhyeong said to the younger, it immensely helped him.
Jinhwan never doubts the words of their precious anchovy.
It took a couple of days before Donghyuk finally gathered enough courage to open his letter. Everything was still surreal and for the first few days, Donghyuk was convinced that this is all a dream to him and that he would one day finally snap out of this nightmare by the aroma of risotto that Yunhyeong is cooking.
He always wonders how Jinhwan and Hanbin seem so…free. He thinks of what they did or where they went in order to be their usual selves again.
One day, he asks their eldest about it. When Donghyuk woke up early and proceeds to the kitchen, he was still surprised to see Jinhwan cooking for them. It has been a few days since their eldest started to cook for them, but Donghyuk still can’t seem to get used to it.
Hearing soft footsteps, Jinhwan looks over his shoulder and blinks in surprise. “Donghyuk? You’re up early.” He says softly, lowering the heat of the stove to prevent the food from burning. Donghyuk shifts his weight from one foot to the other as he nervously rubs his nape. He couldn’t tell why he was nervous all of the sudden, it’s just Jinhwan and the question for the eldest was simply easy, so why was he nervous?
Sensing the uneasiness from the younger, Jinhwan exhales and smiles softly, reaching to gently hold Donghyuk’s free hand. “Hey, it’s okay. Is there something you need?” He asks with a kind tone. Donghyuk opens his mouth but immediately closes it as his gaze drops onto their hands, then drifts down on the floor. He was silent, but their eldest patiently waits, his thumb gently rubbing circles on the back of the younger one’s hand. “Hyung…” he finally speaks, to which Jinhwan answers with a hum. “How…how did you and Hanbin-hyung…well…it’s just that lately…a-and you’re up every morning…I’m just…” he trails off, his thoughts becoming jumbled once again.
Jinhwan, however, perfectly understood what he was trying to say. “Is this the reason why you’re nervous?” He receives a small nod as an answer. “And as to why you seem…puzzled?” The younger pauses, but he stiffly nods once again. The eldest laughs softly, reaching out to gently ruffle Donghyuk’s hair. “You know, letters are meant to be read. Don’t you think it’s time?” He asks, smiling softly as the younger immediately looks up and stares at him.
“The letter…but hyung—” The eldest shakes his head at that, then smiles again and gently squeezes his hand, “It’ll be alright, Dong-ah.” He responses while staring into the younger’s eyes. Donghyuk didn’t move, he was thinking about it. But after a few moments, he finally gives a small nod and squeezes back Jinhwan’s hand gently. “Thank you, hyung.” He says softly, releasing his hand as he excuses himself and heads back to his room.
Donghyuk then heads to his cabinet and retrieves the envelop safely tucked beneath his pile of clothing. He inhales and exhales deeply, then nods to himself as he heads over to his bed. Once seated, he gently runs his fingers across the edges before finally opening it.
While reading the letter, Donghyuk shares what Jinhwan felt. He covers his mouth to muffle any upcoming sobs, not wanting to wake the others up for them to discover how much of a mess he is due to the fresh tears running down his cheeks. He was shaking, willing himself to calm down as he tries to not scan over the words, wanting to grasp what his hyung is telling him.
Donghyuk-ah,
You know how proud I am of you right? I may not always vocalize it but I always am. You had a lot of ups and downs but look at where you’re standing now.
DongDong, hyung is sorry. I always tell you that I’m always okay and that I’m strong and I can handle it. The truth is, I’m not. I’m never always okay and I’m most definitely not strong. I just didn’t want you all to worry about me. All of you are more important, so I always put you all before me. I’m so sorry it had to turn out like this. I’m sorry.
I can no longer cheer you all up because I’m not there anymore. You’re our source of happiness too, you know. You can always lift their moods and revive their smiles. If you think you can’t do it, you can. I know it. I believe in you. I always have.
Your smile is infectious, so please never stop smiling. Your laugh is soothing, so please never stop laughing. When everything seems to be spiraling down, please do not hesitate to reach out for help. It’s not a sign of weakness if you ask for help. It’s okay to lean on others. It’s okay to ask for their light. You’re our sunshine, Donghyukkie, always have been our sunshine. Please continue shining for them. Please don’t let that radiance burn out. I’m counting on you to infect others with happiness okay? Always know that I love you okay?
Everything will be alright, DongDong. Please believe in me for the last time.
It’ll be alright.
Donghyuk nods his head with revived vigor at the words of his hyung. He closes his eyes and takes deep breaths as he tries to calm his trembling body. He will fulfill Yunhyeong’s wish, it’s the least that he can do for him.
He will always repeat his hyung’s words in his mind and heart. He believes that the more you think of it, the higher the chance of it coming true.
‘It’ll be alright.’
That night, Jinhwan was preparing dinner when Donghyuk came in with a worried expression. “Dong-ah? What’s wrong?” He asks, eyebrows furrowed up in concern. “Hyung…I’m worried for Chanwoo.” This caused Jinhwan to pause from dicing up the carrots, “Why? What happened?” He could feel the panic slowly brewing at the pit of his stomach. He was most worried for Chanwoo, especially since he was the one who witnessed Yunhyeong taking his last breath. “I think he’s sick, hyung. He’s been coughing for some while now.” Jinhwan immediately felt cold, ‘No…this can’t be…’ he swallows thickly, trying to restrain from visibly panicking. “Really? Is it that bad? Is he having coughing fits?” He asks, abandoning the cutting board as he goes to immediately brew some tea. Donghyuk moves as well, going to grab a mug and the jar of honey, “No…no coughing fits…well…for now. But his coughs are growing frequent.” He explains and settles the mug and jar down on the counter.
Silence hung over them, both too afraid to speak as they simply stare at the pot of water being heated up.
“Hyung…do you think—”
“Don’t say that.”
Donghyuk flinches at the sharp tone of their eldest, shrinking back as he hung his head in shame. “I’m sorry hyung, i-it’s just—“ he cuts himself off when he hears the eldest sigh. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder, urging him to look up and meet with the soft yet worried gaze. “I’m sorry, Dong-ah. But I just…I just really hope that it’s not the case.” Jinhwan whispers softly. Donghyuk understands, none of them would hope that it would be the reason behind it.
“I hope so too, hyung.”
Bobby avoided the envelop like it was a ticking time bomb. He could feel the lingering emptiness in his life. He’s sure that everyone felt it, especially when they pass the cold, vacant room that was once filled with warmth and happiness. He wanted to avoid that room as much as possible, he couldn’t handle the pain that always stings his heart. It feels so wrong to not see Yunhyeong anywhere anymore. Whenever Bobby was down, Yunhyeong would try to cheer him up by making himself look silly—dance movements, facial expressions, or even self—but it always works. Whenever Yunhyeong cooks, he always puts to mind about Bobby’s preferences and pays close attention Whenever Bobby—or any of them for that manner—were exhausted after their schedules, Yunhyeong would always find a way to lift their spirits up and bring back some energy.
Bobby wonders, who’s going to do that now? Cause Yunhyeong can’t do it anymore.
It was nearly lunchtime and Donghyuk decided to help Jinhwan with the cooking. He didn’t know how to cook anything except ramyeon, but their eldest patiently taught him. He still had a long way to go, but he was ready to walk that lengthy path. Hanbin had just finished bathing and goes to set the table up. He blinks as he smells a somewhat familiar aroma coming from the kitchen. “Hyung?” Hanbin peeks into the kitchen. “Are you cooking Beef and Radish soup?” He asks. Jinhwan blinks and looks at Donghyuk in surprise, then the two looked at Hanbin. “Yes…why?” Hanbin simply shrugs, “Nothing, just remember that Bobby-hyung likes it a bit salty.” He reminds then goes back to setting the table up, “And remember hyung! He doesn’t like seafood!” Hanbin adds, causing Donghyuk and Jinhwan to look at each other once more and laugh softly. “Got it. Now go inform the others that we’ll be eating in a bit once you’ve finished there.”
Once they finished distributing the soup, Jinhwan nods and looks at the others, “Alright, let’s eat.” He says. Unlike a few days ago, the silence around them seems to have lessened as Donghyuk tries his best to strike up a conversation with each other, making sure to insert some jokes and laughter here and there. Jinhwan is immensely grateful for that. The eldest’s smile, however, falters as he hears a cough coming from across the table. “Chanwoo? Are you okay?” He asks, worry evident on his face, yet the younger simply shakes his hand while covering his mouth with the other. “Drink some water, Chanwoo-ya.” Hanbin says softly, gently sliding the youngest’s glass of water closer to him. “I’m fine hyungs, I just caught a cold.” Chanwoo rasps after his coughs died down, thanking Hanbin as he takes a sip of his water. “Well, good thing Jinhwan-hyung made Beef and Radish soup! It’s perfect for colds, right?” Donghyuk chirps with a smile.
“Yunhyeong used to make this when we caught a cold.” Almost immediately, the atmosphere dropped at the comment as Jinhwan, Donghyuk, and Hanbin stiffened and looked at each other nervously. They slowly looked at Bobby who was taking a sip, letting out a small hum as he exhales. He then stirs his soup slowly while staring at it. “It’s not similar as how he’d make it, but it’s good.” He mumbles, “Also, it’s salty. I like it.” There was an unspoken ‘thank you’ but the three caught it. They relaxed and nods, “Yeah…it’s good.” Junhoe mumbles quietly, head hung low.
Bobby sees the effort that the others were making, and for that, he is extremely thankful. He knew that they opened the letters. Seeing how they are right now—trying their best to cheer each other up and cooking for other’s liking—he knew that Yunhyeong must have worked his way with them.
‘That friend always finds his ways to make us feel better.’
Maybe it was time. Bobby has avoided it for a long time and he feels bad for it, he feels that he’s ignoring Yunhyeong, but he wasn’t ready for it. Now though, Bobby knows that he’s ready.
After lunch, he quietly excuses himself and heads back to his room, making sure to lock the door after closing it. He then goes to the row of shoeboxes that he has and lifts the lid of the first green shoebox, then he pulls out an envelope. One of it’s edges had been crumpled up, Bobby was still in shock when everything happened, and he refused to read the letter. He wanted to throw it, but it’s the last thing that he will ever receive from Yunhyeong. Even if it hurts, he’s going to keep it.
Bobby told himself that he wouldn’t cry, but he couldn’t help himself. Yunhyeong had a way with words, he always knew what he should say.
Bobby-ah,
You know that I’m so proud of you right? You make us all so proud, so always stand tall with your head held high okay?
I’m so sorry, I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am. Will you forgive me for being selfish? I can no longer make you pizzas or fried rice, but I’m sure Jinhwan or maybe even Chanwoo can do a better job at it. Just don’t forget to tell them what you want and don’t want okay? They might forget for a first few times, but I’m sure they’ll eventually get it later on.
Bobby-ah…you’ve always been our mood-maker, never failing at making us all laugh with your random actions and words. Please, don’t ever stop, especially now. They need you, Bobby. Please be there for them. Please continue with your skits that never fails to make us all laugh to the point of tears. I know we always do those skits together, but this time, I’m shining the spotlight to you. Who knows? Maybe Donghyuk, Junhoe, or even Hanbin will join you.
Don’t ever stop doing skits. If you ever feel alone while doing it, please remember that you’re never alone, Kimbab. You may or may not know it, but I’ll also be performing our skits whenever you perform, just, not in front of the same audience.
Team Risotto will always live on, just, not physically. But it will. Do not let anything ruin your happiness, okay? I’m counting on you to be their happy pill. You’re the best happy pill there is, and I’m sure that they will never feel tired or drained again.
Thank you, Jiwon-ah. Don’t stay up too late playing games okay? Take care of yourself. I love you.
“You’re really an idiot. There’s only one happy pill and that’s you. You can’t be replaced, no matter what.” Bobby whispers shakily, tugging down the sleeve of his sweater as he dries his tears with it. Sniffling softly, he eventually gives a small nod. He brings the hand that holds the letter above his heart and mumbles quietly yet softly. He then opens his eyes and looks up, slowly curling his fingers into a fist while being careful to not crumple the paper. Nodding once more while staring up, he breaks out into a warm, toothy grin, uncurling his fingers from its position and shifts into a peace sign.
‘But don’t worry anymore, I got this. Thank you.’
To say that Jinhwan was shocked when Bobby finally smiles is an understatement. He swore he felt tears forming because of overwhelming happiness and relief. Seeing Bobby smile was like seeing land for the first time after being stranded out in the sea for months. His sentiments are also shared by Donghyuk, who immediately pulled Bobby in for a hug the moment the older one opened his arms towards the younger, beckoning him with a warm and gentle smile. There were tears in Donghyuk’s part, but Jinhwan doesn’t need to worry about it. His sobs were light and airy, free from the pain that weighs his breath down. His tears were small and quick, free from sadness that clings to each other and slows it down.
Yunhyeong was right. Everything will be okay.
Junhoe mostly spends his time in the solitude of his room, his head down. His hand gripping the pen, motionless. The paper in front of him is filled with crossed out and scribbled words. Poetry was his outlet of expressing his feelings, but it’s been a week or more since he last wrote. His thoughts and feelings were b, so writing has to be much easier right? So why can’t he write?
Seeing that he was yet again going nowhere, Junhoe grunts and releases his pen, his hands coming up to mess his hair up in frustration. This was relatively new to him, not able to write down his thoughts and feelings correctly. He was, for once, rushing his creative process because he didn’t want to let his thoughts and feelings go to waste. He might forget them if he doesn’t write about them immediately.
He never rushes poetry, but at a time like this, it’s the only thing he can do. It’s his only distraction. Hanbin has his songs. Bobby, Jinhwan, and Chanwoo have their games. Donghyuk has his instruments and dancing. Junhoe thinks that those can absolutely keep one’s mind occupied and distracted.
Poetry, however, can be a different story. One must be at peace before writing, free from worries that may hinder their writing process. One must be mindful with their diction, being able to deliver the wanted imagery without exposing too many details. One must be concise with their structure, being able to create a smooth flow of not only words but of feelings as well. Even the tiniest of details can make quite a difference to the finished outcome. Which is why a poet must carefully construct their pieces, they must avoid haste.
Junhoe, however, feels like he doesn’t have enough time to pay close attention to details. He just wants to express himself like he always does. He just wants to provide a material form for his thoughts and feelings. He just wants to create a simple yet meaningful poem. So why can’t he do that?
Well, besides poetry, there’s something that Junhoe may also be good at, and that’s talking. Maybe what he feels cannot be written as of now, maybe it should be spoken first. He does want to talk about his feelings, but to who? They were still all preoccupied, especially with what had happened. He wasn’t the only one who wants to voice out his feelings after all. But he’s been itching to talk.
Should he go to Jinhwan? He has been seeing how the eldest was getting back up to his feet and helping the others stand too. But the eldest was too busy attending to the care of others, and he does not want to add to that. Maybe he should go to Hanbin? He is, as always, reliable. He never doubts his words of motivation, but there’s just something that tells Junhoe that maybe, just maybe, Hanbin isn’t the right choice as of the moment. Bobby then? Thinking about it makes Junhoe cringe already, he really does not know how it happened but they’re just…awkward, and no one knows why. Donghyuk? Sure, Donghyuk seems to be more promising, they both have similarities in terms of personality so maybe he would understand Junhoe more. But why can’t Junhoe simply get up and walk over to his room? Every time he tries, his legs feels like lead and his feet seems to be glued to his floor. That leaves Chanwoo then. Junhoe pauses in his thoughts, then he exhales and shakes his head. Chanwoo may or may not have it the hardest among them. He was there when their second eldest went, that kid must’ve been scarred.
“Yunhyeong-hyung would know what to do.” He grumbles under his breath as he sighs deeply. Junhoe then straightens up and runs his fingers through his messy hair. It’s really hard, waking up every day knowing that you would never see the person that you count on (probably the most). He had been with Yunhyeong at the very beginning, they nearly parted ways one time, but he was thankful that it didn’t happen. Their bond grew stronger, and Junhoe thought that they would continue to go through obstacles together.
He was wrong.
It hurts to see the person you’re close to suddenly leaves, most especially without a proper goodbye. He wanted to understand why he chose that, he tried to, but for some reason he can’t. He’s too hurt and perhaps even betrayed to do so. He’s angry, yes, because why can’t Yunhyeong put himself first? Why can’t Yunhyeong try and search for his own happiness? Why didn’t he think of how the people around him and maybe take their feelings into consideration? He wants to understand, but the person who can help him understand is no longer here. So how can he?
The letter that was left for him may contain the answers to his questions, but for Junhoe, it’s not enough. He knows that he won’t immediately understand, he always has questions to further clarify what has been said. How would his questions be answered then? Will Yunhyeong’s spirit miraculously appear right before him to answer it? Will he have visions that are linked to the answers that he seeks? Will he meet Yunhyeong in his dreams so that they could further talk about everything and what could’ve happen instead?
Junhoe knows that he should read the letter by now. He should’ve read it immediately when it was given to him so that he wouldn’t be so confused and frustrated in the first place. He didn’t want to admit it, but he’s scared. He’s still not ready to face reality. He’s scared that if he would read the letter, it would certainly mean that Yunhyeong is gone forever.
He may be scared, but he’s not the type that runs away. He could end his fear and frustration right this instant in exchange of accepting the truth, or he could prolong his emotional and perhaps mental suffering by lying to himself that tomorrow is a better day to read the letter than today.
It may have taken Junhoe a long time to finally read the letter, but Junhoe never flies, he fights.
He’s ready to face the unknown.
Yah Koo Junhoe!
Alright maybe not entirely the unknown, he knew that Yunhyeong would say that.
You better not be shutting yourself out from others. That’s not like you okay? The Junhoe I know always speaks whatever is on his mind. He’s not afraid of saying what he wants to say. So why is it now different?
Alright, I’m sorry about that. I know that I’m the reason why everyone is down, why you’re down. I’m sure you’re asking me why I did it, why I didn’t choose to save myself.
It’s just…I love him too much, Junhoe. I love him so much that I can’t let him go. I love him so much that it’s hurting me already, but I don’t want to hurt him, or any of you. That’s why I decided that if I can’t let him go, then maybe I should let myself go. I thought no one would get hurt if I choose to let myself go, but I realized it too late that the outcome will be the exact opposite. I hurt you. All of you. And I’m so sorry for that. I know my apology will never be able to fix it, but I’m just so sorry. You have all the right to be angry at me, I deserve it. I’m so sorry, Junhoe-ya.
At times like this, there’s no better way to express your thoughts than through poetry. But always remember that poetry takes time. Just like a bottle of wine, the more it ages, the better it tastes. So never forget that okay? There’s also this famous English poet who says that poetry is “the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings recollected in moments of tranquility” or something like that. I know you tend to stress over not being able to write poems, I’ve seen how you would sometimes rip out the sheet, crumple it up, and toss it in the trash. But Junhoe, don’t think too much about it okay? The words will come out naturally. Let them flow in their own pace. Your thoughts and feelings won’t go anywhere. It’ll be okay.
Help the others out, please. I know Jinhwan-hyung usually does that all the time, but please, help our hyung. Believe it or not, but you also have a way with words. Talk to them. Help them. Do whatever you deem is necessary. Please, Junhoe-ya.
Continue writing poems, and don’t you ever stop being a noise pollution. You have a right to express your emotions freely. Everyone does. Do me a favor as well, if there is a cloud of silence that threatens to loom over, fight it away with your battle cries and jiujitsu skills. If you’re going to be loud, you better be thunderous.
Things will turn out alright soon, you’ll see. Keep on fighting, Junhoe-ya. Fight for everyone. Fight for yourself. I love you.
P.S. Please do something about your awkwardness with Bobby okay? I love you all, so please.
Amidst the stillness that stretches across the apartment at dawn, the deafening silence was shattered by an ear-piercing battle cry that sounds strikingly similar to a shout uttered for martial arts.
The following day, Jinhwan was already up and making everyone breakfast at such an early hour. He was awoken by the familiar shout that he heard a while back. That shout vanished though, and everyone knew why. He never expected for that shout to return, he never expected him to recover this fast. Jinhwan thought that he was dreaming, even though he is already up and cooking, he still thinks that he is dreaming—maybe even just hearing things due to exhaustion. Which is why when the eldest was about to pour the egg mixture onto the pan, he nearly dropped the whole bowl when he heard a sudden shout, followed by another one—this time it was growing with intensity.
The shout was then replaced by loud singing, and if it were any other day, he would have yelled at him to quiet down because he might wake the others up. Instead, Jinhwan remains rooted in his spot, staring at the doorway of the kitchen as the noise pollution enters. Junhoe continues to sing at the top of his lungs as he looks around the kitchen, then he meets the surprised and questioning gaze of their eldest.
No words were exchanged as they look at each other, the only thing that continues to break the silence was this loud singing, but it was gradually toning down. “Hyung.” Junhoe finally speaks after what seems to be an eternity for Jinhwan, the younger’s soft voice made the eldest’s breath hitch and eyes sting with upcoming tears, “I don’t know how you cook but that’s definitely not how Yunhyeong-hyung cooks an egg roll.” The younger remarks. Jinhwan blinks twice, his jaw slowly dropping as he simply stares at him. Junhoe was about to make another remark but chose not to after seeing his state. Instead, he lets out a small chuckle and shakes his head, decreasing the distance between them as he stops right beside Jinhwan. The second youngest then slowly takes the bowl from the eldest and settles it down, then turns the stove off before facing him once more and reaches to gently wipe the tears that Jinhwan was unconsciously shedding.
“I may be bad at cooking but last time I checked, tears are definitely not a good substitute for salt, hyung.” Junhoe says lightly as he smiles. Jinhwan blinks once more, then he finally releases a soft and airy laugh, sniffing and nodding as he also wipes his own face. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s really not.” The eldest comments as he smiles back.
“It’s okay, hyung. Everyone makes mistakes. It’ll be alright.”
Ever since last week, Hanbin has been noticing it. He wasn’t sure if the others are starting to pick it up, but he notices it almost immediately. Something was wrong with their youngest, but he doesn’t know what. All he knows is that it most definitely started ever since that horrible day. At first, Hanbin never thought about it too much because he himself was still confused as to why everything had to happen. But now, with a clearer mind and heart, Hanbin may or may not be slowly piecing things up together. Hanbin understands though. He understands why their youngest refuses to eat. He understands why he refuses to leave his room most of the time. He understands why he refuses to let any of them in. He understands why he refuses to talk about it. After all, it was their youngest who witnessed it. Maybe that’s why he’s really affected by Yunhyeong’s passing.
What Hanbin doesn’t understand, though, is why Chanwoo had gotten sick all of the sudden. It was just last week when Hanbin was still up that he heard their youngest cough. Even if he was in a state of grieving, he can’t just leave them alone—especially if they’re in need of help. He finds his strength to get up and exits his room, quietly making his way to the kitchen to fetch a glass of lukewarm water and some cough medicine. Hanbin then makes his way to Chanwoo’s room. He knocks on the door, “Chanwoo?” He calls out but receives no answer. “Chanwoo, can I come in? I have medicine for your coughs.” He tries again. He blinks when he hears shuffling from inside, followed by footsteps approaching the door. A soft metallic click was heard as the door slowly opens by a fraction. Hanbin knew that was the extent of the door being opened, so he simply extends the medicine and the glass to their youngest, who silently accepts it.
There was a heavy silence around the two. Hanbin was looking at Chanwoo while the latter had his head bowed down, eyes seemingly glued to the floor. He was waiting for him to take the medicine, but it seems like the youngest had no intention of doing so. “Chanwoo? Do you want to—“,”Thank you, hyung.” The older one flinched a bit from empty words. He never saw this side of Chanwoo, so he didn’t know what to do anymore.
“Are you sick? You shouldn’t be up…”
“I’ll be fine, hyung. I’m off to bed, thank you.”
“You sure? Do you want me to—”
Hanbin couldn’t continue. Chanwoo had slowly lifts his head up and shift his eyes to him. The once warm and playful gaze that Hanbin knew was no longer there. The spark in his eyes had died, leaving a cold and hollow stare. Their youngest’s eyes were endearingly expressional, but now they’re lifeless. Hanbin really knew that he was the most affected.
“I’m tired, hyung. Good night.”
Not knowing what to say, Hanbin simply nodded and reluctantly retreated back to his own room.
If someone would ask the Hanbin-who-hasn’t-opened-the-letter-yet about Chanwoo, he would most likely say that it’s because those two were so close back in the days, and Chanwoo was still under shock most especially since he was the one who found Yunhyeong. But if someone would ask the Hanbin-who-has-read-the-letter-about Chanwoo, he couldn’t formulate a proper answer. In honesty, he’s also confused. He’s absolutely certain that the reason behind it is the same, but there was just something in Chanwoo’s gaze that Hanbin can’t quite put a finger to it. Chanwoo was, after all, good at hiding his emotions.
“Could he be…” He trails off, eyes widening the slightest at a theory that he may have just formed. If and only if what he thinks may be right, then the outcome won’t be good.
He needs to tell Jinhwan.
Bobby was on the sofa reading when he heard hurried footsteps coming from the hallway. He lifts his head in time to see Hanbin enter the kitchen while calling out to their eldest. “They went out to get some groceries and flowers for Yun’s desk, Bin-ah.” He says, shifting his eyes back to the piece of paper that he was holding. An agitated cry from the younger made Bobby look up again, eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Hanbin? What’s up?” He asks, putting the paper down after folding it. He becomes more worried when he sees the troubled expression, “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asks, patting the space beside him, to which Hanbin slowly comes forward and plops himself down.
“Is Junhoe and Donghyuk with him?’
“Yeah, they are. They left 10 minutes ago.”
“What about Chanwoo?”
There was silence. Hanbin knew that the youngest was still in his room.
“What’s wrong, Bin-ah? What’s bothering you?”
“Hyung…” Hanbin lowers his voice into a whisper, “Do you think that it’s just…a regular cough?” Bobby didn’t like where this is going.
“Hanbin…”
“I know, hyung. This is ridiculous and scary. And I really don’t want it to happen. But…did you ever think about it?”
Silence.
“Hyung?”
“So…you’ve noticed it too huh?”
Hanbin’s eyes grew wide as he stares at Bobby. ‘No way…’ He stares at Bobby as the older one leans back into the couch and sighs heavily. “What do you…”,”I wished no one would notice it too. That way I could easily convince myself that I was just overthinking.” Bobby admits as he lets out a small, weak laugh. From his words, Hanbin knew that Bobby also knows. “So…when?” Hanbin asks in a small voice, his hands turning cold at the sad smile that forms on the older’s face.
“Ever since Yunhyeong died.”
Bobby knew this was no ordinary cough, he had heard it from Yunhyeong before. Jinhwan may have been the one who heard Yunhyeong cough the first day, but for the succeeding days, it was Bobby who knew. When they were all huddled together in the living room watching a funny movie, Bobby noticed Yunhyeong going to the bathroom even if they were at the most interesting part. Amidst the loud laughter, he heard the faintest sound. Yunhyeong tried his best to silence his coughs, and he did, but Bobby heard. When the others were inside a room playing a video game, Bobby saw Yunhyeong standing outside the door, gazing longingly into the small glass pane and smiling fondly. He wanted to ask their second eldest why he wasn’t going in, but the older one’s expression stopped him. Instead, he closed his eyes and walked back into his room. As he closed the door, he heard the others cheering in victory. He didn’t miss the strangled cough of Yunhyeong either.
He desperately wished that it wasn’t the case with Chanwoo. He was conflicted with his thoughts and was convinced that he was just overthinking it. But with Hanbin now asking about it, he knew he wasn’t the only one.
“I heard him, hyung. I think it was the third day after Yunhyeong…we have to tell Jinhwan-hyung.”
“I think he’s already suspecting too.”
Before Hanbin was about to ask, Bobby pulls out the folded paper and hands it to Hanbin. “It’s Yunhyeong’s letter to hyung.” He tells the younger when he sees the puzzled face. “He asked my help about a certain part. He doesn’t know why Yunhyeong would mention that.” Bobby explains as Hanbin opens the letter, then he points the part that was bothering them. When Hanbin read it, his breath hitches as he looks at Bobby. “Hyung…”
“I saw his eyes once, Hanbin. We know he’s good at hiding his feelings, but I saw it.”
“What was it?”
“Regret.”
“Then maybe…”
“This is bad, Hanbin. This is really bad.”
How long has it been? Five days? A week? Maybe more?
He doesn’t know anymore.
Ever since Yunhyeong went, he doesn’t know what to do anymore. He felt like a part of him died along with his hyung. He was there during Yunhyeong’s final moments, so maybe that’s why he feels this way. But, is that really all? He wants answers, he wants help, but he can’t bring himself to go to the others. Because he wants Yunhyeong to help him.
‘But why Yunhyeong-hyung?’ He finds himself asking.
The letter, for sure, contains answers. But the paper feels so cold, and that scares him. He longs for warmth. He longs for the warm that his hyung’s smile gives. He longs for the warmth that his hyung radiates every time.
He longs for the warmth of his hyung’s hugs.
But he will never feel that warmth ever again.
Just by thinking about that, a wave of emotion crashes over him as his breath was caught in his throat. He shuts his eyes and curls up on his bed. He misses him so much. He misses his soft calls. His bubbly laughter. His silly gestures. His basic questions about how technology works. His food. He really misses him and he doesn’t know what to do anymore.
Wishing to see him, he reaches under his pillow and takes out the phone of their second eldest. He had kept it, because it’s the only thing where he can still feel a part of Yunhyeong. He knows by heart Yunhyeong’s passcode, it was him who helped their old-soul-of-a-hyung how to navigate this advanced technology. He never changed anything in this phone, the home and lock screen remains the same. He navigates himself to the gallery, where he is then greeted by at least a hundred pictures of their beloved hyung. There were more pictures about random things here and there, as well as pictures of others, but he always finds the ones that he wants to see the most. He knows where to stop, he memorized each picture’s location. And if he would open one of the pictures that Yunhyeong took, wherein the second eldest was in a dimly lit area while smiling his brightest smiles, he could feel his presence. And if he would just close his eyes and hug the phone closer to him, he could feel the feathery-light caresses on his hair and cheeks.
He wishes that he could live in this fantasy forever.
He wishes that he could live with Yunhyeong forever.
His throat immediately tightens as a cough harshly escapes his mouth, causing him to choke at first. His body gave him no time to recover as he feels more coming. He didn’t want to cause trouble to his hyungs, so he buries his face on his pillow in hopes of silencing his painful coughs. It was getting stronger. It hurts more as well. Not only his throat but, for some reason, his heart too. Ever since he saw Yunhyeong give him the last smile, he felt his heart break. The following day, there has always been a dull pain on his heart. He can’t explain why, but he wants it to stop. It hurts too much.
The coughing fit momentarily stops, giving him the opportunity to catch his breath. His throat hurts, but it can never compare to the pain that his heart was feeling. He misses Yunhyeong so much that it hurts. He brings his attention back to the screen of the phone, swallowing thickly as he resumes scrolling. They also have pictures together, and in every one of them, he looks so happy. He vividly remembers that whenever he would agree to take a picture with Yunhyeong, the older one was beaming with happiness. The corner of his lips curls up into a small smile as he looks at their picture fondly.
They were so happy.
“I love you.”
Immediately, his smile drops.
“I…”
His eyesight becomes blurry, his breathing becomes short.
“…you…”
His throat tightens once again, temporarily cutting the sharp inhale.
“…love…”
Quickly, he flips over to fully press his face onto the pillow just in time. The coughing fit returns once again, this time, angrier. His whole body shakes from its ferocity, he grips his bedsheets as if it was his lifeline.
“I love…”
The emotional floodgate finally breaks, and the tears fall freely. They fall heavily but swiftly. Each tear was being pushed down, but they were caught by the open arms of the pillow’s soft fabric. The pillow welcomes anything, the intense coughs, the desperate punches, the bitter tears of regret, and even his heart-wrenching sobs. Despite welcoming quite a number in such little time, the pillow welcomes a few more guests.
As the coughs died down, he lifts himself up weakly, trying to calm his ragged breathing. His stare drifts down slightly and everything fell silent. A small and feeble cry escapes his lips as he shuts his eyes tight, a new batch of tears descending regret.
“I love you…”
Their picture on Yunhyeong’s phone stares up at Chanwoo’s heart-breaking face. Its screen catching the droplets of sorrow, introducing a new friend to the two set of twin petals sitting in peace.
Just like the pillow and the phone screen, the two white daisy and two purple bittersweet petals also welcome them with open arms.
That evening, after gently putting a vase filled with yellow zinnias on Yunhyeong’s desk, the hyungs gather in Jinhwan’s room. One look at their faces and Jinhwan knew. He wished they didn’t, but reality doesn’t work that way.
‘Fate…destiny…reality…they’re the cruelest.’
He didn’t know how to open it up, so they all let the silence overcome them.
“I went to see a doctor.” Junhoe breaks the silence, his eyes dropping to his hands as he feels all eyes shift to him. Bobby and Hanbin looks at each other in confusion, “But you said you guys went to get some groceries…” Hanbin mumbles. Jinhwan was speechless, he blinks slowly while staring at Junhoe. “Junhoe-ya…was this when you told us that you were going to go buy some flowers?” He asks slowly, to which Junhoe nods. “B-but why…” Donghyuk speaks up. “I’m sure we all know what’s really happening, right?” Their second youngest asks as he looks at the others. After he sees them nodding a bit, he continues, “I also asked a doctor about the illness, he told me there’s a way to save him.” He heard a small gasp coming, “So Chanwoo can really be saved?” Donghyuk asks. Bobby nods at that, “If it’s what the doctor said, then he really can.” Hanbin bites his lower lip in worry, still thinking. “Bin-ah.” Jinhwan noticed, “What is it?” Hanbin looks up at them, then at Junhoe, “How?”, “Surgery.” At that, Hanbin sighs softly.
“We need Chanwoo’s approval.”
“Jinhwan-hyung and I will talk to him.”
“Are there side effects to this?”
Loss of feelings to that person.
“Nothing major. He’ll just feel sluggish and have a headache for a few days.”
Loss of the ability to love again
“Really?”
Loss of memory about the person who they love
“This is the only way that we can save him, Donghyuk.”
“What if Chanwoo refuses?”
“Then we have to make sure that he won’t refuse. Yunhyeong can no longer reciprocate his love. This is the only way.”
Bobby looks between the two, Hanbin remains silent, Jinhwan heaves a sigh. “Yunhyeong wants us to save him, we will save him. The eldest decides, “Do any of you have anything against that?” He asks, looking at them. They all shake their heads, all except one.
“Hanbin-ah?” The eldest calls out nervously. The younger seems to be in a deep thought. He, however, comes around and looks up to meet the tense eyes. Hanbin finally nods.
“It’s the only way.”
Jinhwan never wanted to invade their youngest’s privacy, but they knew what that illness is capable of. It already took their beloved Yunhyeong away from them, so there’s no way in hell will they let it take their Chanwoo as well. This is his life, and they’re not letting the illness take it away from him.
The following day, they decided to try and convince Chanwoo. It will be hard, considering the youngest hasn’t talked about his feelings to anyone else. They just hope that they’re not too late.
Chanwoo was awaken by the soft knocking, aggravating his pounding headache. They must be eating breakfast now, but he was too tired to move. Despite that, he was forced to sit up due to his continuous coughing. White daisy and purple bittersweet petals are scattered on his bed, but as he coughs, the petals gain a new friend. A few purple hyacinth petals gently float down and lands safely on the soft beddings. He can hear Jinhwan’s voice filled with concern call out to him. He can also hear Junhoe telling him to just go in, followed by the sound of the doorknob twisting open. As his coughs die down, Chanwoo looks around and sighs. Guess he can no longer hide it form his hyungs.
There was silence when the door was opened. Chanwoo wanted to laugh, this scene was all too familiar. There they were, frozen in their spot as they look at Chanwoo with their eyes wide, shock evidently written all over their faces. And here he was, sitting on a bed decorated with purple and white petals. All he can do was just manage a little smile. “Hello hyungs.” He rasps out. His voice manages to snap the others back into reality.
“C-chanwoo…can…can we…”
“Wasn’t that what you came for?” Chanwoo asks with a smile, then nods at them.
They slowly enter the youngest’s room, most of them tried to avoid staring at the petals. Jinhwan felt his throat tighten as he looks at their youngest. ‘He looks so sad…’ He purses his lips, he really hopes that they can still make it. “How long?” Bobby finally speaks up, staring Chanwoo right into his eyes. He really was affected the most, he looks worse now, his eyes were bloodshot, his lower lip raw from biting, his cheeks were no longer squishy as they used to be. His eyes were full of gloom, and this time, Bobby clearly sees regret. When he smiles, his dimples no longer show. Their youngest simply shrugs, “A few days now.”, “Why didn’t you tell us?” Jinhwan squeaks, his eyes going teary. Chanwoo opens his mouth to answer but nothing came out. Instead, he looks down onto his lap.
“Chanwoo?”
“I deserve this, hyung.”
“Jung Chanwoo don’t you dare say that!”
Their youngest immediately closed his mouth, his eyes wide in shock as he stares at Donghyuk. None of them expected their sweet, soft-spoken Donghyuk to raise his voice at any of them.
“Dong-ah, calm do—”
“I will not calm down, Jiwon. He does not deserve this. No one deserves this.”
Chanwoo blinks, recovering from the initial shock. He then frowns and shakes his head, “But I do, hyung. I’m the reason why Yunhyeong-hyung is dead now.” He says, his voice shaking. Hanbin also recovers as he steps forward, “Chanwoo, don’t say that. This is no one’s fault okay? If you do want to blame someone, blame the sickness. But not yourself.” He reasons out. “You can’t continue like this, Chanwoo-ya. You need help. Please, let us in.” Jinhwan pleads as he approaches the youngest’s bed. He then sits down at the foot of the bed, stretching his hand out to him, “Please Chanwoo, please.” He whispers, hand shaking.
No one moved as the youngest simply stares at his hand. They were all holding their breaths, anxiously waiting for his answer. For what seems like an eternity, Chanwoo finally moves. He hangs his head in what they thought is defeat as he reaches out for the eldest’s hand. Jinhwan was on the verge of tears when their youngest gently pushed his hand away. “Chanwoo please!” Donghyuk cries out. “Why?” He choked out tearfully. “Why don’t you want to live?” Junhoe asks shakily.
Their youngest lifts his head and slowly looks at each one of them. He sees their frustration and confusion, but most of all, he sees their sadness, their pain. He understands them. ‘But they don’t understand me.’ “It’s just…I don’t deserve to live.” He utters, immediately receiving numerous denials as his hyungs moved closer to him with the intention of persuading him why he should live.
From Chanwoo’s peripheral vision, he catches trace of something that unconsciously made his chest heavy. The moment he locks eyes with it, a sound in between a gasp and a sob escaped his lips as his eyebrows furrowed upward. He could feel tears prickling behind his eyes, threatening to spill at any moment. He feels his shoulders being grabbed by large hands, gently shaking him.
“Chanwoo please! Please believe us.”
“Everyone deserves to live, so why can’t you?”
“Come on man! You can’t leave us too.”
“People make mistakes and they learn from those mistakes. Please don’t make the same mistake again.”
“Yunhyeong-hyung doesn’t want you to follow. You have to live, please!”
‘Yunhyeong-hyung…’
A small whimper escapes his lips once more as he inhales sharply. He drowns out the voices around him.
‘He still looks as beautiful as ever before…’
He feels someone holding his hands, both emitting different warmth. He knows by the weight in his palms. But why does he feel warmth on top of his hands?
‘No…please don’t be sad. I’m sorry.’
A teardrop escapes, slowly sliding down the smooth curve of Chanwoo’s cheek, jumping down to his lap when the youngest shakes his head. His mouth opens.
“How can I live knowing that the person I treasure the most no longer exist? How can I live when the person I care the most is no longer here with me?”
His voice was hoarse but full of emotion, his eyes shining with tears.
“How can I live when the person I love the most is dead?”
His voice cracks, his eyesight is blurred by tears, but he can still see him.
“How can I live when Yunhyeong-hyung is gone?!”
He sobs out, wanting desperately to reach for him. But he can’t, there were two pairs of arms wrapped around him. Instead, he closes his eyes and cries.
‘Please, save me…’
Ever since Yunhyeong passed, Chanwoo never left the apartment.
Today will be his first time.
They’ll be going to the hospital in an hour, but Chanwoo was already ready an hour and a half ago. He gazes out the window, up to the endless blue sky. It was a beautiful day, and he feels that he may be alright.
He’s still scared. He doesn’t want to lose his feelings for Yunhyeong.
‘But I have to…for him.’
Jinhwan told him that if he was ever feeling nervous or scared, he should read Yunhyeong’s letter. He shifts his gaze to his pillow, then eventually walks to his bed. Sitting down, he slips his hand underneath the pillow and retrieves an unsealed white envelope. Truth be told, he already read it, well, the first line at least. He couldn’t continue the rest because he was scared he’d ruin the letter with his tears.
But now, he is in dire need of his hyung’s words.
My dearest Chanwoo-ya,
You’ve grown so much, Chanwoo. You’ve achieved a lot and I am so proud of you for conquering it. No matter where I am, my pride will always shine brightly for you. You always do your best no matter what. I am so proud of you.
I want to ask for your forgiveness, but I understand that you may never forgive me for what I have done to all of you. Still, why am I terrified with the fact that you will never forgive me? I guess…this is the effect that love has on you.
I love every one of you. But my love for you is different than theirs. Time is always in a haste and it waits for no one, but when I’m with you, time freezes for what seems like eternity. When I’m with you, I have all the time in the world. When you look at me, I become breathless. But strangely, the air never left my body. When you smile at me, a thousand solar flares simultaneously occur within me, its intensity warming up my soul. When you laugh, the mountains tremble and the earth shake with mirth. When you hold my hand, a Blue Supergiant implodes into a type II supernova, littering its cosmic material across the vast expanse of its galaxy. When you release my hand, a black hole slowly forms from what was once the core of the Blue Supergiant. When you’re not with me, the black hole grows, capturing the stardust, trapping whatever is close to it in its event horizon forever. But when you hug me, the nebula from the supernova slowly shrinks and separates into clumps, eventually forming a protostar.
I could’ve become a star, Chanwoo, but I wasn’t able to retain balance. I’m sure you know by now what could’ve made me turn into a star.
Don’t worry, it’s not your fault okay? It’s never your fault. It was me who never asked. I was just so scared, Chanwoo. I was scared that if you found out, you would leave me. I’d rather hide my true feelings than to lose you.
This may sound selfish, but I was so thankful I got to see you in my final moments. I was scared, but one look at you and all my fears vanish. Thank you, Chanwoo. Thank you for making my last moments happy.
I love you. I love you so much that I couldn’t let you go. I can’t be selfish with you on the outside, so I became selfish in the inside. And look where this ended. When you have strong feelings for someone, let them know okay? Don’t think of the consequences—just let them know how you feel so that you can get the closure you deserve. Please don’t walk down the path that I took. I will never forgive myself if that will happen to you.
Honestly, I regret dying. I dislike myself because I wasn’t strong enough. I dislike myself because I accidentally hurt the people who I love, and I cannot apologize to them anymore. There were still a lot of things that I wanted to do alone and with all of you, but it seems like those plans will never be fulfilled. Remember, Chanwoo, hate is a strong word. No one deserves it. But maybe, just maybe, I deserve it.
But you know what, Chanwoo? There’s one thing that I will never ever regret. There’s one thing that I will not dislike myself for: it’s loving you.
Loving you was a breath of fresh air after hours and hours of being encased in a small, warm box. Loving you was a burst of colors in my life. I always see red when you’re working hard and doing your best. I always see orange when we cuddle at night. I always see yellow when you laugh. I always see green when you are so relaxed beside me. I always see blue when you sleep. I always see indigo when you rationally analyze situations to avoid any bad outcomes. and I always see violet whenever I’m with you.
Loving you was the best thing that happened to me, and I would never trade it for anything in the world.
It’s going to be difficult, Chanwoo-ya, but it will all turn out to be fine. You have five supportive hyungs who always have your back. Don’t push them away okay? I’m no longer here anymore so please, Chanwoo baby, please let them help you.
Live, Chanwoo. Live for everyone around you. Live for me. And most of all, live for yourself.
Life is going to be hard, but you know what they say, no matter how hard the rain falls, a rainbow will always appear. You’re were my rainbow, Chanwoo, you still are.
Find your own rainbow and live life to its fullest. If you ever feel lonely, just always remember that I am always with you, not just in your memories, but in your heart.
I love you, Jung Chanwoo. Forever and always.
There were marks on the paper that indicates where a tear had dripped onto it, but it wasn’t Chanwoo’s. The youngest was crying, but his chest feels lighter now and his tears mirror it. He leans to gently kiss the top part of the paper, then folds it and holds it closer to his head.
Carefully, he folds up the letter and gently places it back in the envelope, sliding it back under his pillow. He pats his pillow once more, then he wipes his tears and stands, exiting his room. He pauses right in front of the open doorway of his hyung’s unused room. For the first time ever since, his dimples finally reveals itself as he smiles softly while looking fondly at the vase filled with yellow tulips.
His desire to live is revived. And with his life, he will continue to remember and love his Song Yunhyeong.
It has been a week since the successful operation, and Chanwoo was healthier than before. They all fall back into their everyday lives. They were, in a way, happy. If it can be described that way.
Chanwoo had just left a coffee shop not far from where they were staying when he received a message from their eldest, telling him to go to a flower shop and buy a bouquet of flowers. They always buy flowers once a week to replace the vase on the desk. This week, apparently, was his turn to buy flowers.
When he announces his arrival once he enters the apartment, but he was greeted with silence. Confused about the lack of reply, he walks around the apartment, finding it empty. “They must’ve gone out for a bit…” He mumbles He decides that he would go change into more comfortable clothing, so he heads to his room. Chanwoo stops though, in front of the open doorway of his hyung’s unused room, as what they always say. He slowly looks around from his spot, then his eyes landing on the empty vase. The youngest blinks, then he looks away and enters his own room.
The operation was a success, but everything comes with a price. His life was saved, and in exchange, the existence of Song Yunhyeong was erased from him. The hyungs watch with misery. Despite the success, they feel that they had failed Yunhyeong. But it had already been done and there’s nothing they can do to reverse it.
After changing his clothes, Chanwoo immediately feels sleepy. He decides that he would just nap for an hour before he would put the flowers where it belongs. ‘An hour won’t kill them anyway’ he thinks as he picks up the bouquet of mixed zinnias and white clovers before he lies down. He holds it up, staring at it for a while, before bringing it down to his chest. He tilts his head a bit as he gently runs his finger through the petals of a pink zinnia then to a white clover. His heavy eyelids close slowly, eventually drifting off into a sleep tinged with mysterious nostalgia.
Hours later, Chanwoo was still asleep. He forgot to set up an alarm and the hyungs aren’t home yet. The edges of the flower petals were slowly wilting, but Chanwoo doesn’t know. Outside, the sun was setting, and its last few rays manages to beam into the room, shining onto Chanwoo’s chest. The reflection of the sunlight, however, was a bit odd. Instead of the fading orange, there was a tinge of silver in it. What seems to be a smoky, yet nearly transparent silver beam slowly shines onto the bouquet. The flowers seem to be familiar with the light, for its petals slowly rose, bringing the flowers back to its former splendor. The silver beam had morphed into a ghostly hand, gently caressing each flower before slowly lifting up to gently caress Chanwoo’s hair. The youngest hums in his sleep, tilting his head a bit. The hand softly brushes some hair from his forehead, then a much larger silver beam moves closer to his face. The silver beam was sharpened into focus, now forming a face that was once familiar. A face that belonged to someone who was once loved.
The face leans closer and plants a feather-soft kiss on the sleeping boy’s forehead. He whispers, and Chanwoo smiles in his sleep. Seeing him smile, he also smiles. He caresses his face once more before leaning back into the vanishing sunset, leaving behind a single sweet peas petal.
”Thank you.”
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