Johnny: How Can I Say

 

 

Johnny sighed. He looked around the dark room, basking in the quiet of the night. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, phone in hand. Taeyong had just invited him and Sinyoung out for the night to a club.

 

Sinyoung. Johnny glanced behind him to the other side of the bed. There lay Sinyoung asleep, the sheet rising and falling with every breath she took. Johnny sighed again.

 

It had started a while back, but he thought he could overcome it. He had fallen out of love with her.

 

Johnny and Sinyoung had met in high school through a chemistry project. They became close friends and developed feelings for each other. They started dating their senior year of highschool. Now, the both of them in their third year of college, lived together and were planning for their future together.

 

A few months ago, Johnny began to notice that he didn’t react to Sinyoung as strongly as he used to. The butterflies he used to feel in his stomach every time they would touch, the racing heart beats when she would smile at him and look like the most stunning person in the world, the weightless feeling he got when he was with her- it’s all gone now.

 

He felt guilty, so guilty. Sinyoung was still ignorantly blissful with him. Her eyes still held love and adoration for him, and Johnny wished they were hard and cold. How he wished that she would look at him as if she felt nothing.

 

Johnny had no idea how to tell her. How could he possibly tell her that he no longer loved her when Sinyoung is so happy being by his side? All the outings they have are all done reluctantly. He just wishes she would lose interest in him, too.

 

Johnny looked back down at his phone, holding the invitation from Taeyong. Sinyoung sleeping without him for one more night wouldn’t hurt, right?

 

Johnny gently awoke Sinyoung. “Sinyoung, Taeyong invited me to go out with the other boys for catching up, don’t stay up for me waiting, okay?”

 

Sinyoung looked up at him, sleepily, lovingly, and nodded. “Okay, darling. I love you.”

 

Upon hearing her words, Johnny stood up and left. As he drove through the city to the club his friends were at, he could hear her words echoing in his mind. I love you, I love you, I love you. He wants to be able to tell her “Me too, I love you too,” but how can he knowing it isn’t the truth anymore? He laughed by himself. Oh, how he hates himself.

 

As soon as Johnny found his friends, Taeyong immediately greeted him. “Johnny! Glad you could make it! Oh, where’s Sinyoung?” Johnny slightly winced at the question, but he held his smile. “She wasn’t feeling well, so she decided to stay home.” Taeyong pouted. “Well, that’s too bad. Make sure to bring her around next time, okay?” Johnny nodded, despite knowing that he will probably make up an excuse for leaving her behind, again.

 

 

Johnny sat at the table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. He looked around the club until his eyes landed on his friend, Doyoung, with his girlfriend. They stared at each other lovingly. Hell, Johnny could see the grin on Doyoung’s face and the adoration in his eyes from the table where he sat. Johnny scoffed. He remembered when he and Sinyoung were like that, inseparable and in love. But now, all he feels is suffocation. Like if he’s drowning in his lies. But right now, he feels free, and amazing. Not being around Sinyoung makes Johnny feel like a new man again, makes him feel oh so comfortable, and oh, how much he hates himself for it.

 

 

It was late, and Johnny was thoroughly drunk by now. His blurry eyes glared down at the nth drink in his hand. Why can’t Sinyoung figure it out? Why can’t she just notice that he is no longer in love with her? They haven’t been as close and romantic as they used to, Johnny made sure of that, so how is she still hanging on so strong, still so in love? Johnny sighed. How is he going to tell her that his heart has left the relationship? Johnny stood up hastily, swaying on his feet. Taeyong looked over at his friend, confused. “Yo, Johnny. Where are you going?” Johnny turned to look at Taeyong, red face and all, with determination and sadness in his eyes. “Home. I have to tell Sinyoung something.” Upon hearing those words, Taeyong smiled. He remembered all the other times when Johnny would get extremely drunk, he would claim he had something important to tell Sinyoung and go look for her just to proclaim his love for her all over again. If only Taeyong knew Johnny’s real intention.

 

Taeyong offered to drive Johnny back, seeing as he was the only one sober. Johnny agreed, and handed Taeyong his car keys. The entire ride back, Johnny thought out his words, and how to tell Sinyoung about the nonexistent feelings he has for her. After dropping Johnny off at home, Taeyong smiled at the man, and patted his shoulder before getting a cab back to his home. Johnny clumsily climbed up the stairs of his apartment complex, all the way to his room and opened the door. He marched (stomped) towards the bedroom where Sinyoung was in. He shook her rather harshly as to wake her up.

 

Once Sinyoung opened her eyes and looked at Johnny, he blanked. All the confidence he had, his carefully planned out words, all flew out the window. Sinyoung looked at Johnny in confusion. “What’s wrong, darling?” Johnny came back to his senses upon hearing the endearing name she had called him by. This was it, his only chance.

 

“I don’t love you anymore.” He said. Johnny looked at Sinyoung for her reaction, but she just stared at him, lovingly, sadly. He decided to continue. “I have tried so hard to stop myself from feeling this way, to fall back in love, but I- I can’t. And I’m so sorry.” Johnny was nervous, sonervous. How would Sinyoung react?

 

Sinyoung just sighed. “I know, Johnny.” Johnny blinked, shocked. She knew? She knew this entire time? Sinyoung looked at him and smiled before looking away. “Every time you get faced like this you tell me you don’t love me anymore. And, it’s probably selfish on my part, but every time this happens I pretend as if it never did, especially since you never remember once you wake up the next morning.” Sinyoung looked at him, eyes watery, but still somehow holding all the adoration and love in the world for him. “I know your heart has already left me, but my heart can’t bear to let go, not yet.”

 

Johnny did not look away from her once during her speech. His drunken brain could barely function, but he could feel all the raw emotion in Sinyoung’s voice. Without breaking the eye contact she started, Johnny knelt down in front of her. Her face was being lit by the pale moonlight, unshed tears making her eyes sparkly. The same eyes that held so much sadness despite the smile she showed him. Johnny studied her face for a few seconds before he began to cry. He felt horrible.This woman, who has shown him nothing but love and support for the past few years, and he can’t return her feelings.

 

“I’m sorry.” He said.

 

He wrapped his arms around her.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

His sobs got louder.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Sinyoung, closed her eyes, the tears quietly falling.

 

“It’s okay, darling. I still love you.”

 

And with those words, Johnny broke down even further.

 

The next morning, Johnny woke up with swollen eyes and a pounding head. He groaned as he sat up and looked at his surroundings. How did he get back home last night? Hell, what even happened last night?

 

“Morning, sleepy head. I have breakfast and painkillers with your name on it on the table.” Johnny turned towards the door. Sinyoung stood there, glowing, looking at him lovingly. Johnny smiled and thanked her before she left the room. Johnny sighed. He looked at the door, at where Sinyoung had just stood. How would he tell her that he had fallen out of love with her? Johnny truly hated himself for not being able to.

 

-

 

A/N: 1409 words! So, this is the first one shot, starring the one and only Johnny! I based this off of How Can I Say by Day6! I know, it’s a pretty sad and hopeless start, but I’ve just been listening to so much Day6 I wanted them to be the first song I used. I’m going to try to upload a new one shot every week, so I’ll see you all next week! Thanks for reading!