“Baby, sorry I’m late!! I have a sudden sched—“

“That’s okay. I understand”

“I promise next weekend I will pick you up and we will have a date at your favorite place after my schedule, okay?!”

“Okay”

I don’t know how many times I have said those ‘I understand’ words towards him. It always happens on our date. I know the risks of dating him on the first place when he asked me out. Well, we just met a couple of months ago when I attended his group’s fansigning event and he suddenly said that he fell for me at the first sight which was I thought impossible. Yes, if you’re asking, I’m one of his fans but never thought that he will be my boyfriend like this.

I kept attending their fansigning event and he always wrote the same ‘secret’ message to me. He was asking for my name, number and where do I live – he prepared the sticky notes, I guess. I never replied him as I felt weird. But then I gave up and replied him by attaching my name, number and address in a sticky memo on his page. He took it happily as he saw that. Ah, we never touched each other’s hands like what I did to one of his bandmate – who I admired so much. I could tell that he was jealous from his expression.

Well, in short, after getting to know each other more – he texted me, called me, came to my house even came to the office I’m working and I couldn’t believe it – he asked me out. Not to mention, I admit that I love him as him and not as a big star as I know him better in person. I have no experienced at all on dating a celebrity like him but I know the risks of dating one. He told me that he really loves me and he said that he will protect me if the paparazzi caught us. From his words, I know I can believe him. So, I agreed to be his girlfriend.

On our first month, it was good as we still had those lovey-dovey aura around us. He would come pick me up after my office-hours and then we would have a date. But later on, he becomes more busy than usual as he is preparing for his comeback with his group. I can tolerate that since it’s his job. I can say nothing to it, right?! He earns money from that, right?!

Time passed by and our relationship becomes weird everytime we meet. Well, we don’t have much time to spend together anymore. I still can understand that. He keeps getting late on our date. I understand that he has schedules to be done before he meets me. But inside my heart, I’m tired enough to have this kind of relationship. Whenever I need him, he would be somewhere else far a way on his schedule. We have to use disguise if we want to go on a date at noon – when he doesn’t have any schedule.

He keeps on promising me something that he even rarely can afford. I’m tired of hearing those promises but he never be able to do that. What I need for now is just a simple and ordinary relationship. I need a man that I can rely on when I have a problems. Well, he is there for me but I just can hear his voice. I can’t feel his presence near me. I need a hug but he isn’t there.

I rarely talk to him when we are in a café just sitting down with our drinks as our date. I will keep working or playing with my tab/ phone. Or I will read a book, avoiding his eyes. I know he notices that I have changed. He barely can see my smiling face anymore.

Next weekend, as he has promised, I’m ready to go out as I wear my winter clothes. It’s winter already. I’m waiting for him to pick me up when suddenly my phone rings. It’s him and I already know what will he say.

“Baby, I’m so sorry! I haven’t finished my schedule and it seems like I can’t pick you up since we are really far from town. Can we just meet there at 12PM?!”

“Okay, I understand” – I hang up the phone.

12PM. I’m waiting outside the gallery he mentioned before. It’s freaking cold and I guess my winter clothes are not helping at all. I’m shivering and trembling there. People keep eyeing me like, “What is this stupid girl doing outside in this cold weather alone?!”.  Well, I’m used to it. I have no expression at all right now.

1PM. I give up waiting for him. I feel weak with those cold breeze that keep stabbing me. I’m walking to the nearest coffee shop there to warm my freezing body. I order a cup of hot chocolate and sit next to a window. I take out my book to read – just to wash away my boredom. Not long after that, I feel something just passed me in a lightning speed. I turn my head to the window and I see him. He is running to the place I was waiting before. I can see he is panting hard. He is looking for me. Yes, he is looking for me since my phone is ringing. I’m staring to my phone without answering it. Somehow, I feel that my face is started to burning up as tears rolling down to my cheek. I guess I have to end this relationship.

1 message received

I open the message which is sent by him.

Baby, where are you? Why are you not picking up my call? I’m worry to death. I’m so sorry that I’m late. There was an unexpected traffic jam. Text me back, okay?

I look up to the window again and take a peek of him. He is not wearing any winter clothes. He just wears a hoodie and of course with a mask & beanie. His face really looks pale as he is walking incoherently here and there – waiting for my reply. I know he is worry. He keeps taking a glance at everyone who passed by – hoping that one of them would be me. My tears are rolling again to my cheek when I heard he screams my name. People are starting to notice him especially the girls. He doesn’t want to run from the girls who are starting to surround around him. He is still looking for me. I can tell that he feels regret and guilty from being late. It seems like he punishes himself.

I walk out from the coffee shop. I take a glance once again to him who is still looking for me. At that time, our eyes met. I avoid his gaze as I turn my head and start to walk fastly. I can hear some girls are screaming his name. Is he running after me?! Not possible. POSSIBLE. I can feel someone grabs my arm. He turns my body and he hugs me immediately. I can hear his pants. It seems like he has lost his breath when he hugs me. His body is cold as an ice – especially those hands which touch my neck and wrist.

“Why you didn’t reply my message?! I’m worry to death that something happened to you!!” – he yells right on my ear. I can tell even though he is yelling, he wants to cry because he cares about me. He loves me that much. I don’t budge neither reply him.

I let go of his embrace and hold his hands. I rub his hands and make it warm – still avoiding his eyes. My tears keep flowing from my eyes. Then it touches his hand. He touches my chin and makes me look up into his eyes.

“Baby, why are you crying?! Tell me what happened. Are you crying because of me?! I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry” – he keeps replaying those words I hate, ’SORRY’. He hugs me and I cry harder this time on his embrace. He pats my head and sometimes my hair.

When I feel a bit calm, I let go his hands. I look up deep into his eyes. I tell him something that he really hates to hear from me.

“Let’s break up”

“Baby. Wha- Why?! Did I do something wrong to you?!”

“No and never. I know that you won’t hurt me. I know that you love me so much and so do I. But I think, we can’t keep this relationship any longer”

“But.. Why?! It’s so sudden. If you feel that I’m too busy with my schedules, I can tell my manager to reduce my schedule. I f you feel I’m always la—“

“Listen to me” – I touch his face while trembling. “I’m okay with your schedules since it’s your job. I’m totally understand that you are always late because of those crazy schedules. The thing that makes me jump into this decision is it’s breaking me apart to see you too care for me and love me that much which I feel that I don’t deserve it! I can’t stand to see how tired you will be to arrange your time between me and your job. I really don’t deserve your love. I keep murmuring about how busy you are secretly and I even cursed your job. See?! I really don’t deserve your love or you”

Tears keep flowing out and this time both of us tearing up together. He looks at me in those painful looks. No. Don’t do that to me. It just makes me don’t want to let you go. No. Please no.

“I don’t know how to answer that but I only know that I’m okay as long as you are here beside me. Don’t you know that you are my strenght to do all of my activities?! Just by thinking that I will meet you, I can do everything smoothly even though in the end I will always make you waiting for me like today. I really have no problem on sharing my time between you and my job. I just don’t care”

“Bang Minsoo. Please. I don’t want to hurt you more”

“YOU ARE HURTING ME, NOW!! You are doing it now. Breaking up with me?!”

“Just. I’m sorry. I have to. You look pale and skinny. You lost your weight because of me. No. I don’t want you become lik—“

“I DON’T CARE!! I SAID I DON’T CARE!!! I just need you. Just you all I need” – he hugs me again. He is shaking so much. “Please don’t leave me. Please”

“I’m sorry”

***

A group called TEEN TOP will have a fansigning event at one of a music store in town after releasing a comeback mini album. They look fresh and playful as usual. One by one of the fans is approaching them and talking with them after got their album signed. Many of them are telling a joke with the boys. The boys are receiving so much love from their fans lately. The gifts are keep coming from their fans.

A girl wearing a black shirt and jeans with jeans denim and a black cap is approaching the first boy, Changjo. She keeps hiding her face from him with her cap and Changjo is trying to see her. He feels weird seeing a fans like this.

“Thank you, Jonghyun” – he frowns to hear that soft voice, more like whispering. He knows.

The same things happened to the others (Niel – Chunji – L.Joe – Ricky). Everytime she whispers ‘Thank you’, the boys will frown and gaze each other. They look pale as they see she approaches CAP. She still hides her face and CAP just signs her album with a smile. He then notices his friends’ weird face while looking at him. He mouthed, ‘Why?’ but none of them dare to answer him. He gives back her album.

“Thank you, Minsoo” – he freezes.

The girl is about to stand up when suddenly he takes off her cap. He is too shock when he sees a black long hair girl staring at him with those same stares he misses so much. Nothing has changed from her. She is still the same her.

She takes her cap from CAP’s hand and smiles to him. “It’s been a long time since I saw you. You look good now. I’m happy to see that. Goodbye, Minsoo. Live well”

With that, she leaves with tears. With the last glance, she looks into him and waves her hand to him. Then, CAP realizes that the girl left him a sticky note.

I’m happy that you look much better now after breaking up with me. Really, I’m sorry for making that decision. But I have to and I hope you understand that, Minsoo. I came here because I miss you. You are the reason why I came bravely to this fansigning event. Maybe I never told you this but I LOVE YOU. Thank you for coming into my life and made my days colorful. Once again, SORRY. Live well, Bang Minsoo. I-LOVE-YOU.

 

 

-THE END-