Was it real? I keep telling myself, “No, it’s just your regret.”; “You’re just feeling sorry for her.” Instead, I knew exactly what’s happening to me. I love you. I never stopped loving you. I hurt you again and again without realizing my heart is not going anywhere but still there with you. You stole it from me and I was willing to give it to you. Because you are Joo Kyulkyung. My first love. My first of everything.

I remember meeting you for the first time. You caught my attention in a blink of an eye. You’re that special girl I’ve been waiting for. But then, I was merely trapped between my past and my present. Between you and Chengxiao. Thankfully, I chose you. I confessed to you. That was the best day of my life. I never felt so happy for my entire life. I was smiling all day long. That funny confession I made just made my day. That certain 7^th of June marked that my heart was yours to keep.

I remember calling you ‘baby’ for the first time. Calling you mine. My wife. My babygirl. My jagiya. I never feel so embarrassed and proud at the same time, claiming you as mine. I had to gather all of my courage to finally proclaim you as my love in front of my family when I brought you home for Doyeon’s birthday. I never forget how happy I was looking at you, my girlfriend, smiling shyly after my sudden announcement.

I remember how Eomma always talked about how great it will be having you as her daughter-in-law. I almost think that she loved you more than me. Honestly, I love it when I saw you just chattering with Eomma. Just how I imagined how it will be when you’re finally my wife for eternity. But then, it’s just a dream. A dream that haunts me each and every night. You’re the girl Eomma wanted me to be married. Instead, I broke my promise, crushing her death wish.

But then, I remember how it started to crumble by my own hands. I really wished that I never agreed to be the main role for the annual play during our last year in Pletagio Academy. I really wished I never joined the Drama Club. If I didn’t accept it, I would never face my buried past… Chengxiao. She was supposed to be a memory, a painful one that struck me back when we met again for the play. Worst, the drama was a collaboration of Pletagio and Star Academy and she’s the female main role. After what we had faced before, I never wanted to meet her again, not when I’m already happy with you.

I remember how those lovely poisoning memories of me and her hit me hard that night of the play. It happened out of the blue. That sudden kiss after the play. Those feelings I had for her before were supposed to be gone. Gone after she rejected me. Gone after I walked away from her. Gone after I was transferred to Pletagio. Why didn’t I meet you earlier than her? Why should this happen to us? To you, after everything you’ve done for me?  I knew you’d be hurt. I knew and I let it be. I’m so sorry for being stupid, for not standing by your side like you always did for me. For choosing my past than my present. Her over you.

I remember how different it feels. How empty it feels when you’re not here. I felt happy but it feels just… empty. It’s not that happiness like it did with you. That certain day I woke myself up and came back home. Back to you after a month of emptiness without you on the 6^th of August.

I remember how thankful I am for still having you in my life, for still getting the second chance from you. It made my life perfect again. My life was complete again. I can never forget how embarrassing I was, how poetic I was when I write my thoughts for you on that each 6^th day of every month. Until then, my life was the perfection I can ever imagine because I have you.

I remember when Johyun told me about Chengxiao. How bad her life was after I left. How cruel she can be to you. It terrified me. The thought of you being hurt by her just scared the life out of me. No, she couldn’t do that to you.  then, it’s just getting worse each and every time I met her. I never told you that there’s someone out there, hating you, wishing that you never exist in my life, wishing that I’d never met you. I tried to protect you from her. But, it will only satisfy her if there’s nothing between us. If we break up. If my worst nightmare come true.

I remember how it went out of control. When I met his new girlfriend, Nayeon, for the first time when I trained under JYP, my thirst of revenge for Ilhoon’s doings to Johyun was getting out of hand. I knew I will do everything I can to make him suffer how much he did to my best friend. Without thinking twice, I carried on my plan, to make Nayeon fall for me. And it’s just what I wished I never signed up for.

I remember how wrong it was. How sorry I was to Nayeon when she came to me, telling her problems with Ilhoon. I knew he’s still being that erted I befriend with. I never knew how I ended up being his best friend along with Johyun and Chengxiao even though I was on a completely a different page from them. Our friendship shouldn’t have happened. I turned into this heartless guy just to take revenge on my own best friend. And one day, it happened. My revenge was a success.

I remember how desperate she was. How much she yearned for love. She just wanted to be loved and she took my bait, going straight into my hidden trap. That night was the biggest sin I’ve ever committed to you. That night I spent with another girl. That night Nayeon proclaimed her love to me. It was too late to back off.  I couldn’t sleep that night, killing myself mentally because I knew I’d hurt you again. And this time, I was sure it’d leave a scar in our lives.

I remember that day you found out about it. The way you sounded so disappointed in me. How foolish you are letting yourself being stabbed in the back by your own boyfriend. I never wanted to tell you about Nayeon until I finished on getting my revenge. I know I lied but I had it on purpose. I never loved anyone else but you.

I remember that painful night. That affair, that fake affair, I wished that I was the one who told you about it. But, no, you knew about it from Ilhoon. Doyeon told me everything about it. You never said it to me. You talked to my twin but not me. And I really wished you do. But it’s my fault to not speak up; to letting you go, to let you know the other story than the truth. Doyeon told me everything, all the things you’ve said to her. How hurt you were when I betrayed your trust this time. I knew my revenge was a victory but I had to leave you. And that’s just an utter pain rather than triumph.

I remember the way you questioned my loyalty. You said I betrayed you and I admit it without telling you the truth. I was confused whether to tell you or keep it to myself. Thus, I kept it shut and accepted whatever you’d say about me. I knew I did it wrong way but I have to get my revenge one way or another. The revenge that cost me my own self.

I remember how painful it is. It’s true; I lost myself because of it. I’m just not that me anymore. It turned me into this emotionless guy who just plays along with girls who fell for me and dump them just like the whiskey bottles I had each night to forget about my pain. That’s me when I lose you. Each day I spent with Nayeon, I never forgot to wish my usual ‘mornings’ and good nights’ to you but this time, it’s your pictures as a replacement. I never wanted to show up in your life anymore, not after all those things I’ve done. Being with you was the only thing I’ve wanted. The only thing I’ve ever needed. Man, I wish I realized it in the first place. Finally, it made me wrote my apology letter to you.

I remember writing it during my sleepless nights, thinking nothing else but you. How have you been? Are you eating well? Is it true that you’re with Ilhoon? That last question just came across my mind and just stabbed me with thousands of daggers. Thinking of you in other guy’s arms was suicide, but then I realized, this was how it feels to be in your shoes. I cried and cried, hoping the fact that I may not have you back in my life wouldn’t be true. Without you, I lost a big piece of me, lost myself and created a new me.

I remember how much I wanted to kill Ilhoon when I found out he was sweet-talking you after that day. I was about to wreck myself if it’s not Doyeon who saved me, telling me that it’s just a play to make me jealous. Man, I laughed hard that time because it’s worked. Damn, it was a pure despair for me. But that play of yours wasn’t the thing that blew me up, it was Ilhoon. He should’ve stayed away from you. I’m sorry but it kept me going with Nayeon. I felt that pain crushing my heart completely, knowing that you’re with another guy. It fuelled my anger to Ilhoon and made things worse. I dated Nayeon publicly, posted about her on SNS, acting like nothing ever happened. Then, it just stopped. About you and Ilhoon. The thought of both of you just flew out of my mind like a forgotten memory, blinded by anger.

I remember how it changed me. Piece by piece of me were replaced by a new one, fed by jealousy, lust and hatred. I never felt love ever since. Even though, Nayeon loved me dearly, it just won’t work out for me. She keeps on pestering me around with love without knowing that I didn’t feel the same. I do love her but just as a brother who wanted to keep his little sister away from his nemesis. Knowing for sure that she’s finally safe from that darn guy, I bailed myself out and searched for my past home, Chengxiao.

I remember how happy she was when I finally came back to her. But she knew that pieces of me were gone. I’m not that guy she used to love before. But, she took me in, cured my pain and it came back to me. But not myself when I’m with you, it was me before you. That long gone bad boy me. Love Chengxiao. Spending time with other girls. Win jealous Chengxiao’s heart back. Repeat. It’s just not the same anymore. But, it’s just how I kept my life going. Fed by love from others but never loved myself because it’s just not me. I hated myself that time. I was like a maniac, lost in his own life. I was a dead guy wandering around on Earth, just like the lost souls that couldn’t found their way to their final destination.

I remember how numb it feels when that car hit me. I remember lying down with my head on some stranger’s lap, blood flowing out of my head. I thought I felt it coming. Instead, I woke up that very morning, except with the memories of you. I remembered everything else but you. The doctors called me ‘the miracle boy’ because anyone shouldn’t be alive with cerebral haemorrhage in their head. After that, I live my life without remembering anything about my first love, about you. It was kind of a reborn, but I had Chengxiao and I thought she’s the only girl that came across into my life that time, along with Nayeon. They say you can’t miss something that you never had and this time, the memory I had with you.

I remember how we met again. You and I were complete strangers. But it happened again. Those spark. I was attracted to you all over again without knowing that you were actually someone important in my life. We talked again, surprisingly like nothing happened between us. But then, I was being cautious because it’s confusing for me. You seemed like someone I knew. And I couldn’t be more thankful that we remained friends ever since.

I remember how it came back to me like a flood and it hurts like hell. I wished I never did undergo that damn surgery. I should’ve listened to Doyeon but, it’s still my stubborn bloody brain that wanted to have my memories back. That night after the surgery, it just drove me crazy. The memories of you, us, that messed-up revenge. Those memories, I did want them back especially about you. It’s true that everything must’ve their price and for me, it’s the pain of losing you.

I remember how scared I was when I told you that I’ve gotten my memories back. That I remembered every mistake I’ve done to you. I swear it was the most terrifying moment I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I was afraid to lose you again. But I’d rather lose all of my memories all over again and live as a new person than living without you as someone who’d always be upon my reach. I needed you. I didn’t care but as long as you’re still here, I knew I’d be alright. I’d be better than I’ve ever been.

I remember how my life was getting better ever since I’ve got you back in my life. I’ve finally found myself, my true self. I was that Cha Eunwoo I used to be. But, I was happy not because of my girlfriend, instead it was you. That’s the question, wasn’t it? I was better. I healed. All because of you. It must've seemed stupid but that’s the reality. I was still living in a lie. I still kept on living as Chengxiao’s boyfriend but it’s you that I loved. I don’t know if this type of love story ever existed, but it happened because of us. You and me.

I know I was and I am a coward. I didn’t fight for you. everything that I did have given you nothing but hurt. I know. I’m sorry. I’ve crushed every chance you had given to me. I… still love you. I know this is wrong but I love you, Joo Kyulkyung. I really do. I never stopped loving you. Ever. And I know I must've been stupid if I still think a little space for me in your heart. But, I was and always am a fool that keeps on loving you. I was your pabo, after all. I’ll always hope that space wouldn’t close itself on me and I’ll never stop hoping for that. Maybe my love for you is not as big as the universe but it’s great enough to love you for all eternity. If it’s not our destiny this time, I’ll pray that you and I will be together in our next lives.

Above all, Joo Kyulkyung, I remember that all I ever need is you.

~FIN~