[author’s note]: A quick note before you start reading—the paragraphs in italics are Heechul’s flashbacks, not what happens at the time of the story. Kk. You can read now (:

-One Without the Other-

by: swabluu

A Oneshot

Out of the two of them, Heechul is the reckless one, always ready to take risks without further thought. He’s aloof and snappish, with an unbeatable temper and a tendency to be as rude as possible whenever he feels like it, which is quite often. Hankyung, on the other hand, is the rational and calm one, who keeps Heechul from harming himself too much, and sees the reason in everything. He is the only person Heechul will listen to when Heechul is in one of his moods.

The two are like oil and water, and they have the most unlikely friendship in the world. Sometimes, even Heechul wonders how Hankyung puts up with him and his eccentricities. No matter what he does, Hankyung never truly loses his cool and he always, always trusts Heechul in difficult situations.

“How do you manage to remain friends?” others constantly ask. “You both are so different from each other—how does this make sense?”

Heechul just snorts whenever he is asked the question. “We trust each other,” is the only explanation he ever gives. “Hankyung doesn’t annoy me.”

“Oh, a typical Heechul response,” they say to each other afterwards, when they think he isn’t listening, but it doesn’t bother him that people think he’s a snappy egoist who doesn’t care for anyone except himself. He doescare for people, especially Hankyung, but what do they know about him?

The thing about Heechul is that he doesn’t often express his feelings seriously. Sure, the other members of Super Junior know that he cares for everyone as much as they care for him, and that he will go out of his way to haunt down anyone (other than himself) who insults his dongsaengs and hyung. But most of the time, Heechul has an air of joking around and carelessly doing everything his way. The only person he ever gives an indication of sincerity towards is Hankyung, and even then, it’s not much.

“How do you even stand being in the same room with him at times?” an exasperated Eunhyuk asks Hankyung each time after Heechul has annoyed or insulted a member so much that they have been reduced to tears. “I don’t even understand why he can be so cruel.”

Hankyung always replies with absolute sincerity, “Heechul hyung isn’t cruel. He’s just afraid of expressing his feelings properly.”

And every time, Eunhyuk raises an eyebrow and gives Hankyung a skeptical look. “Uh-huh,” he mutters, and even Hankyung has to admit that no one will ever find someone who can utter that one little phrase as sarcastically as Eunhyuk can.

“They’re always together,” he hears two girls whispering as he passes them with Hankyung. “You can’t have one without the other. If one of them is here, then the other will be too. Heechul-sshi and Hankyung-sshi are inseparable.”

“What are you smiling at?” Hankyung asks a few minutes later. “Stop standing there and grinning to yourself.”

“It’s nothing,” he automatically responds, then bursts out laughing. “Never mind.”

It all begins with one little comment Hankyung makes when he first meets Heechul.

The trainees of SM are gathered together in a small conference room, and for many of them, it’s the first time they have met the others. Twelve of them sit awkwardly around the conference table, each person looking around at the other people who are destined to become his band member for the next who-knows-how-many years. For Heechul, the meeting isn’t something he thinks much of—he has already been put in a group before, and that did not work out very well, so he’s not sure if this new project of Lee Soo Man will be successful.

“There are twelve of you,” Lee Soo Man tells them. “Together, you are Super Junior.” And so each person finds himself sitting there, nervously listening to the director of SM Entertainment explain more about the band, more about the future career of everyone in the room.

When Lee Soo Man finally finishes his speech, there’s a deep silence, finally broken when someone sitting across from Heechul begins to speak tentatively.

“I’m sorry, Lee-songsaegnim,” he begins in accented and hesitant Korean—He must be the trainee from China, Heechul remembers—“but I thought Super Junior is a boy band.”

“It is, Hankyung-sshi,” Lee Soo Man replies, a politely puzzled expression on his face.

Hankyung turns to Heechul and points at him. “Then what is a girl doing here?”

Heechul is so surprised that he doesn’t even bother standing up and yelling at Hankyung like he wants to do. He just sits there, staring at the Chinese member dumbly in shock. Of course, he has long hair, and his features are a bit feminine—that’s why Lee Soo Man chose him to become a trainee, after all, because he freaking looks good—but how can someone be so stupid to mistake him for a girl?

An awkward silence falls over the entire group, as everyone else turns their stares toward Hankyung. The Chinese man looks around, confusion evident on his face. “Did I say something wrong?” he asks apologetically. “I’m sorry.”

“I-I’m not a girl,” Heechul finally splutters out. It’s probably the first time he can remember being utterly speechless for so long.

“Oh.” Hankyung stares at him incomprehensively for a moment, then blinks in astonishment. “I’m really sorry. I hope you weren’t insulted.”

Insulted? Of course I was insulted!Heechul merely smiles coolly and shrugs. “No matter,” he says, although inside, he’s seething. However, before he can think of something rude to say, Lee Soo Man takes the opportunity to change the subject, and soon, every person finishes introducing himself to the rest of the group, and the meeting is ended.

Heechul waits for everyone else to leave before he turns to Hankyung. The two of them are the only ones left in the room, and Heechul has every intention of giving Hankyung a sound lecture for mistaking him for a girl.

The moment Heechul sees the apologic expression that still remains on Hankyung’s expression, however, his anger somehow dies away, even though normally, he should be snapping furiously all the more because he just cannot stand the apologies people give him because they have been burdened by something they have done to him. Heechul resolves all his conflicts, and he holds grudges. He doesn’t need the person he’s angry at to be sorry.

Yet there he is, reconsidering his rage towards someone who has just called him a girl. Heechul stands there, contemplating the situation as Hankyung silently looks back.

“You. Me. Friends,” Heechul suddenly says abruptly, not sure himself why he is saying this. “Before I decide to punch you.”

“Um, yes?” Hankyung replies hesitantly after some time, a wary expression crossing his face.

“Good,” Heechul responds, smiling. He nods amiably and walks out of the conference room, leaving behind an extremely bemused Hankyung. “I hope you have a nice day.”

“For me?” He stares blankly at the object in his hands, too surprised to do anything else. “Really?” When Hankyung nods, he can feel his face break into a smile as he gazes wonderingly at the gift. “Thank you.”

It’s the first time in ages that he has said these two words with such sincerity.

It’s not long before Heechul self-appoints himself as Hankyung’s official teacher and makes it his job to teach Hankyung everything, including, much to the chagrin of the other members of Super Junior, multiple cuss words in Korean. However, no matter how willing Hankyung is to follow Heechul’s crazy schemes, he’s always the stable, calm base for Heechul to rely upon. To Heechul, Hankyung is the solid rock he can forever depend on—at least, that’s what he believes.

Years pass, and somewhere in that time, Heechul begins to realize that Hankyung means so much more to him than he ever lets on. Hankyung is a friend he can rely on, a friend who sometimes seems to be the only person in the world who actually cares when no one else does.

The two of them are at the pool, sitting at the edge of the actual pool itself, dangling their feet in the water and relaxing after a hard week of practicing and recording for Super Junior’s newest album. Heechul is the one who starts the conversation on what they plan to do after they retire from Super Junior, and soon, they’re both heatedly discussing options.

“I’d go start my own entertainment company,” Heechul says proudly. “And call it SKH, which stands for Shining Kim Heechul.”

Hankyung snorts in disbelief. “You egoist. I bet you’d be too lazy to start it.”

“I’m not a lazy person.”

“Oh yes, you are. Who makes me cook your ramen every time?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Heechul sniffs haughtily. “I am a hardworking man. I’m never lazy.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure…” Hankyung rolls his eyes and laughs in mock disdain. “Right.”

Heechul is silent for a moment as he muses over something, in a serious mood for once. “Hankyung-ah,” he says finally, looking intensely at the man sitting next to him, “if we ever go on our own careers when we’re older, promise me that you’ll always stay in touch with me.”

“Why?” Hankyung asks languidly.

“Why?” Heechul laughs without any humor, the playful mood between the two of them vanishing. “Because I said so. Because we’re friends, and I can’t think of going out on my own without knowing that you’re still there to help me.” He looks solemnly at Hankyung. “You have to at least promise me that.”

A silence. Then—“Yes,” Hankyung replies simply. “I will.”

Heechul relaxes and grins. “Thank you,” he says with the utmost relief and sincerity. “You don’t know how much this means to me.”

“You mean your ego?” Hankyung responds cheekily. “Gathering up your friends so you can have enough people to support you when you decide to take over some organization?” He elbows Heechul playfully to make it clear that he’s joking.

Heechul shakes his head and whacks Hankyung on the shoulder. “You’re so mean to me,” he says in mock hurt. Without warning, he suddenly pushes Hankyung with all his strength into the pool. “This is what you get for making fun!” he calls after Hankyung’s flailing figure, barely able to control his laughter.  

“You know what, Heechul-ah? I hate you,” Hankyung splutters after he surfaces. “The hell?” He bursts out laughing, and Heechul joins in, because after all, the situation is kind of funny.

The moment Hankyung turns away, however, the smirk on Heechul’s faces slides off, and he’s left staring breathlessly at his hands, not daring to look anywhere else, because even though he knows Hankyung doesn’t mean it, and that they both are just joking around, whenever Hankyung says “I hate you,” it hurts, hurts, hurts—

But Heechul just laughs and pretends to shrug Hankyung’s comments off. It doesn’t matter, he tells himself, over and over again. I shouldn’t care.

“I’m sorry. Really. I’ll never do it again. It’s all my fault. Are you angry at me? Please. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.” The words tumble out of his mouth, but he knows it’s useless, because no amount of words, no matter how many times he says he is sorry, will change what he did.

Hankyung sighs, and turns to look at him wearily. “I’m not angry,” he finally says. “Do I seem angry to you? I forgave you a long time ago. I’ll always forgive you.”

“Always?” His voice sounds almost disbelieving in his ears. No one has ever said that to him before.  

“Always.”

The man walks up to Heechul’s table, holding a CD cover and a pen in his hands. “Are you Heechul-sshi?”

For a moment, Heechul considers denying the fact—after all, he came here because he didn’t want people crowding around him all the time—but in the end, in nods and crosses his arms. “What do you want?” His meaning is clear. Don’t waste my time.

“Heechul-sshi,” the man says warmly, smiling as if he has not heard the hostility in Heechul’s tone. “How nice to finally find you. My daughter is a great fan of you.”

“Oh, really?” Heechul inquires, already bored. He has been through this scenario too many times to count. The man will either ask for his autograph, or start yelling at him for ‘causing my daughter to daydream so much that she won’t pay attention to her classes!’ By the way the man is smiling, Heechul guesses that he will ask for his autograph.

Sure enough, the next thing the man says is “Heechul-sshi, I would really be in your debt if you could please autograph this CD cover. I can bring it home as a present for my daughter.”

Heechul sighs and takes the pen and CD cover from the man. He scrawls his name on the paper, not paying any attention to what CD it is. “Is that all?” Can you leave already?

“One more thing, Heechul-sshi,” the man says, bowing in apology. “I am sorry for taking your time, but I’ve heard that you are great friends with Hankyung-sshi.”

“Yeah. What about him?” Heechul asks impatiently. As long as the man leaves him alone, he’s willing to answer a few questions.

“Well,” the man begins, looking hesitant. “I’ve heard that Heechul-sshi and Hankyung-sshi trust each other very much.”

“Yes?”

“Would it be possible for Heechul-sshi to ask a little favor from Hankyung-sshi for me?” The man leans closer and whispers something into Heechul’s ear. Heechul flinches back and glares at the man.

“Hell no,” he says rudely, not caring if he’s swearing at someone he should be at least somewhat respectful towards. “What is wrong with you?”

“But you don’t know who I am,” the man replies, seemingly unaffected. “I see you have forgotten me. It’s quite simple, and will bring no harm to anyone.” He whispers something else into Heechul’s ear and Heechul’s eyes widen in shock.

“Think about it,” the man advises, a hint of smugness appearing in his tone. “I’ll wait for a few days—how about you give me it by Friday? That’ll give you three days.”

He walks away, leaving Heechul sitting there numbly, unable to comprehend what the man has just told him.

“I heard that Heechul-sshi loves his family very much,” the interviewer says pleasantly. “He’ll do anything to protect them.”

He keeps his expression neutral. “Well, my family is very important to me,” he replies vaguely.

“Is that really what you think of your family?” Hankyung asks afterwards. “By your tone, I got the impression that you don’t really care.”

He shrugs, but inside, he’s thinking of that sunny day when everything went wrong. “I don’t want to talk about my family,” he says shortly, and it’s true, because no matter what happens, there will always be one thought in his mind.

I must protect my family. I must never mention them in case he finds them.

The door of the dorm room is open when Heechul walks back to the dorm. He looks around the corridor to make sure that no one is around, then slips inside the room. Hankyung is off somewhere with the other members, but Heechul knows he’ll be back soon, so he quickly walks over to Hankyung’s drawer, from which he picks out a small golden pin.

It’s nothing, Heechul tells himself. Hankyung hates this anyway. He always complains about it, whenever he remembers it, which is basically never. He’ll never notice if it’s gone. Anyway, he would understand.

The words the man has told him repeat over and over again, and Heechul feels lightheaded as he tries to grasp what the man has said. His thoughts swirl around in his mind until he almost can’t take it anymore. I thought it wouldn’t happen. I thought they were safe.

He quickly pockets the pin before he can change his mind, and walks out of the room, hands clenched nervously, palms sweating in fear. Somehow, he makes it out of the dorm without meeting anyone else. Once out of the building, Heechul begins to run, sprinting until he reaches an old apartment building. He walks over to the first door in sight and rings the bell, panting from his long run.

The door opens, and the same man who has asked to meet him appears. “So fast, Heechul-ah!” he exclaims in surprise. “I was assuming you’d get it in on Friday.”

Heechul drops the pin into the man’s outstretched hand and glares at the ground. “How would you know I’d agree?” he mutters. “I could have reported you at any time.”

“But you wouldn’t. And you won’t,” the man smirks. “You know why.” He drops a small white packet into Heechul’s hand. “A little thank you gift. See? No harm has been done. Have a nice day, Heechul-sshi.” He bows, turns away, and abruptly closes the door behind him.

Heechul cautiously opens the packet and pulls out five bills. He counts the money, furrows his brow, and curses under his breath. “Oh, funny,” he hisses. “A mocking final touch.” He grinds his teeth and holds the packet away from him, as if to throw the bills away. At the last moment, he pockets the money and begins the long walk back to the dorm, too numb to gather up his thoughts.

“Heechul-ah,” is the first thing Hankyung says when he sees Heechul walking into the dorm. “Where were you? We just came back, and you weren’t here.”

“I was out,” Heechul says shortly, not daring to look up.

“Oh, all right,” Hankyung continues. “By the way, have you seen my gold pin? I can’t find it, and I’ve looked all over my room.”

Heechul freezes in place and slowly turns away from Hankyung. “No,” he lies, hoping that his voice doesn’t give him away. “I haven’t seen it. Sorry. Why the concern, though? You always complain about it.”

“I guess so,” Hankyung says wistfully, “but now that I can’t find it, it suddenly seems really important to me. Oh well. Maybe it’ll turn up somewhere.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Heechul says breathlessly, the guilt welling up from within. “Uh, you know what, Hankyung? I think I need to go and take a rest. I’ll see you later.” He walks off as fast as he can, not paying attention to his surroundings until he finally reaches his room and collapses onto his bed. His breathing labored, he lies there, staring at nothing as he wills his rapidly beating heart to slow down.

What have I done?

“Heechul-sshi, how are you and Hankyung-sshi friends after all this time?”

“We trust each other,” he responds immediately. “Isn’t that the point of friendship?”

The first letter arrives a week later, during breakfast.

“Heechul hyung, there’s a letter for you,” Kibum says cheerfully, handing him a white envelope. “It doesn’t have a return address, so I don’t think it’s from a fan.”

Heechul takes the letter and stares at the rough, yet familiar handwriting on the envelope. An unclear memory flickers in the back of his mind, and he stands up abruptly. He recognizes the writing, and he knows what the letter will be about. “I’ll be back,” he mumbles as the other members stare at him curiously. “I need to do something.”

“Heechul-ah,” Hankyung begins, but Heechul brushes past him without saying anything.

“Let him go, Hankyung,” he hears Leeteuk say. “He’s got something on his mind.”

If only you knew, Heechul thinks bitterly as he walks back to the dorm room. Once inside, he sits on his bed and slowly opens the letter. Heechul-sshi, he reads, Do another little favor for me, will you? Get another one of Hankyung’s little trinkets. You have two days.

Heechul falls back, clutching the letter with trembling fingers. “You can’t,” he whispers numbly. “You wouldn’t dare.” But the words the man told him resonate through his thoughts, and he sits up again. “Stupid,” he hisses, ripping up the letter. He stuffs the pieces of paper into the recycle bin and walks toward Hankyung’s drawer. He grabs the first thing he sees—a small, cheap plastic figurine Hankyung bought from China a few years ago. Heechul pockets it and walks out of the room, nearly crashing into Hankyung as he steps past the door.

“Heechul-ah,” Hankyung says, placing his hands on Heechul’s shoulders. “Are you all right? You seem down today.”

“I’m fine,” Heechul says impatiently, instinctively reaching into his pocket and clutching the figurine tightly in his hand. “It’s nothing. I’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure?” Hankyung takes his hands off of Heechul’s shoulders, but he continues to look at Heechul with concern in his eyes. “I was getting worried. Have you heard of the news about the blackmailer? It was on the news today.”

It’s as if time has stopped as Heechul stiffens, his mind blank with shock. “No,” he lies, hoping that Hankyung cannot hear the tremor in his voice. “I haven’t. What about it?”

“Apparently, there’s a blackmailer around here who’s taking advantage of a lot of people to commit crimes and such. I just want you to be safe. You never know what could attack you.” Hankyung claps Heechul on the back and smiles fondly. “Stay safe, Heechul-ah, okay? Don’t go around and do anything rash, like you usually do. I don’t think I could take it if you ever got hurt.” He walks away, leaving Heechul standing there, still clutching the figurine hidden in his pocket.

“You got noticed,” is the first thing he says when he gives the man the figurine. “What does that feel like? I could just report you now, and that would be the end of you.”

“But you can’t,” the man says languidly, “and you won’t. You know that.” He presses five bills into Heechul’s hands and smirks. “No one’s been hurt. There’s no harm done. What are you worried about? Thank you, Heechul-sshi. Or may I call you Heechul-ah now?” The mocking chuckles remain ringing in Heechul’s ears as the man walks out of sight.

“It’s not about what has happened now,” Heechul calls out weakly after him, “but what you could make me do…” He glowers furiously at the money in his hands. “I hate you,” he says quietly, but it seems like such a childish and pointless thing to say in the situation.

“You know how crimes begin?” Leeteuk announces during dinner. “I learned this at school today—apparently, many people often start out with small crimes, because they think it’s not much of a big deal. Then gradually, they get used to the small crimes, and begin moving onto bigger crimes, often without realizing it. Finally, they end up doing crimes much more serious than they could even think of when they first start breaking the law.”

“Fascinating,” he comments dryly, not really paying attention and focusing more on his food. “That’s great.”

“Heechul,” Leeteuk rebukes, “you shouldn’t take this so lightly. This sort of thing happens all the time, around us.”

He shrugs and continues eating. “It doesn’t concern me.”

Gradually, the requests become worse and worse. Steal more of Hankyung’s personal belongings. Follow him around for a few hours without getting noticed and reporting everything Hankyung does. Finally, in the fifth letter that arrives during breakfast, like all the letters have been for the past month, delete the music for the song Hankyung has been composing for the past few weeks.

“Seriously, Heechul hyung,” Kibum says teasingly, “why do you have so many letters with no return address? Do you have a secret admirer? Are you going out with someone?”

Heechul merely ignores Kibum, too shocked by the letter’s demand to gather up the energy to make a rude remark. “Go away,” he says wearily as Kibum attempts to peek at the letter. “Kibum, just leave me alone.”

Kibum draws back, his expression confused. “Hyung, are you sure you’re feeling all right?”

“I’m fine,” Heechul snaps moodily and walks away, gripping the letter tightly. “At least, I will be, if you don’t bother me.” As he moves past Hankyung, the other man stares at him for a moment, and Heechul can’t help but shiver as he realizes that Hankyung is looking at him with a hint of suspicion. But the moment passes, and Heechul continues to walk away, only looking in front of him until he reaches the dorm room once again.

He doesn’t do anything that day other than stare blankly at the ceiling of the dorm room and forcing himself to do at least the minimal amount of activity and work. “I don’t think Heechul is feeling very well today,” he hears Leeteuk tell Donghae when they think he’s not listening. “Maybe we should just leave him alone for a while until he feels better.”

At that moment, Heechul wants more than anything to confess everything, but no matter what he tries, the words just won’t come out, and he’s left in the midst of a dark mental battle in which he cannot find the light no matter how hard he tries to find an escape.

The next morning, before anyone else is awake, Heechul sneaks out of the dorm room and turns on the computer Hankyung uses to compose his music. He turns the computer on after listening to make sure no one is around, then opens the file containing all of Hankyung’s ideas and music. He pauses as he hovers the mouse over the ‘permanently delete’ button, unable to press down. I can’t just throw away all his hard work.

Footsteps sound nearby, and in his haste, Heechul clicks the mouse and shuts down the computer. He grabs a book and sits down in a nearby chair, pretending that he has been reading the entire time, when Hankyung walks in.

“Heechul-ah? It’s so early.”

“I couldn’t sleep,” Heechul responds, heart racing as he thinks of the close call he has just had. His mouth becomes dry, and he swallows nervously. “Can’t sleep either?” The only reason why his voice remains somewhat normal is due to the acting experiences he’s had, and that moment, he has never been more grateful for that skill.

“No,” Hankyung admits, and sits down next to Heechul. He peers at the book Heechul is holding in his hands. “I didn’t know you were the type to read when you had nothing else to do.”

“It’s too early,” Heechul says casually, his heart thudding so loud he’s sure Hankyung can hear. “Reading bores me. If I read, then I’ll be sleepy enough to go back to sleep, won’t I?”

Hankyung laughs and shakes his head, standing up. “Well, I think by now, it’s too late to go back to sleep. Come on. Let’s make breakfast.” He holds his hand out.

Heechul takes Hankyung’s hand and pulls himself up. “Right,” he manages to choke out despite the tightness in his throat as the guilt of what he has just done finally catches up and hits him with full force. “Let’s get going.”

“Sometimes, Hankyung-ah, you’re too trusting.”

Hankyung merely shrugs and smiles. “Why not?”

“You always see the best in people. That makes you blind to the real world. There will be people in this world who will hurt you, and you’ll never realize it until it’s too late, because you’ll constantly think that they’ll never really do something terrible.”

“But you wouldn’t.”

“Of course not!”

Hankyung grins and shakes his head. “Then, Heechul-ah, I think I’ll be fine. As long as you’re here to help me.”

It’s during dinner when Hankyung finally realizes that his music has been deleted. He comes rushing into the dining room, his expression frantic and worried. “Has anyone touched my computer?”

When no one responds, Leeteuk asks, “What’s wrong?”

“My music,” Hankyung says softly. “It’s gone. Deleted. And I can’t recover it.”

 Heechul stares at his bowl, unwilling to look up, because he can’t stand seeing the hurt expression on Hankyung’s face he knows will be there. Please, just go, he wishes fervently. Brush it off like it’s no big deal.

“Heechul-ah, have you seen anyone using my computer?”

Heechul looks up reluctantly and slowly shakes his head. “No,” he mumbles waveringly. “Not at all.”

Hankyung sighs wearily. “That’s all right. It doesn’t matter. I’ll just redo everything. Sorry for bothering everyone.” He turns around and walks away, each footstep echoing in Heechul’s ears like a rebuke for what he has done.

Without realizing it, Heechul stands up and pushes his bowl away. “I’ll be back,” he mumbles, and runs off after Hankyung.

The younger man isn’t at his computer, so Heechul runs out of the dorm building and out into the small field of grass behind the building. The stars are beginning to come out and the darkness makes it harder for Heechul to see, but he finally spots Hankyung lying on the grass, staring blankly at the sky.

Heechul lies down next to Hankyung without saying a word, and the two of them lie there in the grass, watching the stars. The guilt claws at Heechul, and he desperately wants to admit everything, to tell Hankyung how sorry he is, but the words won’t come out, and all he can do is hope that he doesn’t choke from the force of his shame.

“Maybe it was an incident,” Hankyung says hoarsely after a while. “You know, maybe I didn’t save properly the last time I used the computer.”

But you did. Heechul bites down on his lip to keep himself from saying anything in case he admits everything and make matters worse.

“Anyway,” Hankyung continues, “it’s not that big of a deal, I suppose. I’ll just start over again. I still remember some of the music and ideas. This sort of thing happens all the time, doesn’t it? I just wish…I just wish it hadn’t happened, because it seems like such a waste of my effort.”

“Yeah,” Heechul manages to croak out. “I guess.”

Hankyung turns around to face him, then widens his eyes in surprise. “Heechul-ah, you’re crying.”

Heechul wipes his eyes and his hand comes away wet with tears. He shakes his head and closes his eyes. “I’m not crying.”

“Yes, you are. You’ve got tears running down your cheeks, and you say you’re not crying? Please, Heechul, the next time you lie, try to be a bit more convincing, will you?” Hankyung pauses for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts, before saying softly, “Heechul-ah, what’s wrong? You haven’t been yourself for the past month. I’m not blind. Something’s bothering you, and it’s causing you to drop away. Do you think I don’t notice? Every time I look at you, it hurts, because you’ve faded away from that Kim Heechul you’re supposed to be.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Heechul denies angrily. “I’ll be fine.”

And suddenly, he can’t take the guilt that’s bothering him anymore. The tears begin flowing and they refuse to stop, no matter how much he tries to keep them from escaping. “I’m sorry,” he whispers quietly. “I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Hankyung asks gently, but Heechul refuses to answer him. Hankyung sighs and puts his arms around Heechul as Heechul sobs into his shoulder. “It’ll be all right,” Hankyung says soothingly, patting Heechul’s back. “Whatever happens, it’ll be okay.”

But it won’t. Because if you ever find out what I’ve done, it’ll never be all right again. Heechul grasps Hankyung’s hand, and draws back, wiping his tears away. They lie there for another few minutes, holding hands, not saying anything. Finally, Hankyung lets go and stands up.

“I need to go somewhere and just be by myself,” he says softly. “Will you be okay?”

Heechul nods, and watches blankly as Hankyung walks away, not focusing on anything particularly. Slowly, a thought makes its way through his mind, and he sits up abruptly, heart racing in fear. “Hankyung!” he yells. “You’re not supposed to walk the streets at night alone! How many times have I told you that?”

There is no response. Hankyung has walked too far away to hear anymore. Heechul curses and struggles to get up, berating himself for how stupid he has been. “Hankyung!” he yells one more time, then sets off running in pursuit.

If he gets hurt, I’ll never be able to face myself again.

“Oh, and the last thing—Hankyung-ah, never even think about wandering the streets alone at night. You don’t know what kind of people lurk around there. There will people who will try to kill you without second thought. Do you understand? Never go out at night alone.”

“You’re making fun,” Hankyung finally says after watching him for a few moments. “Heechul-ah, who would want to kill me?”

He crosses his arm, and for once, he’s in an absolutely serious mood. “If you say that again, I’ll never talk to you again. Don’t ever take that as a joke. I want you to be safe. I need you to be safe. Don’t think just because you’re a star, everyone will love you, because they won’t. There are dangerous people out there, and you need to learn that before you get harmed.”

Hankyung’s expression becomes solemn and he looks away. “I know,” he says, his voice muffled. “It’s not something I would forget.”

“Hankyung-ah…” He reaches out instinctively and hugs the other man. There are so many things he wants to say, but in the end, he just buries his face into Hankyung’s shoulder and hugs him even more tightly. “Then don’t ever forget,” he whispers. “Listen to what I told you.”

Because if he ever loses Hankyung, he doesn’t know what he’ll do.

Heechul makes it to an alleyway across the street before a hand clamps over his mouth and he’s forcibly pushed behind a wall. In the darkness, the only sign of his attacker is labored breathing and a shadowy figure next to him.

“Perfect,” a familiar voice whispers hoarsely into his ear. “Thank you, Heechul-sshi. I was hoping this would happen.” Two hands grab Heechul’s arms and twist them behind his back.

“You,” Heechul accuses, frozen in fear. “What do you want now?”

“I’ve decided that I’ve gotten bored,” the man chuckles. “You’re no fun anymore. So I think I’ll just amuse myself one last time before I move on to another toy. Today was so amusing. The expression on Hankyung-sshi’s face when he couldn’t find his music. Oh, that was priceless.”

“You’re sick,” Heechul spits, struggling against the iron grip of the man. “All you enjoy is the suffering of others. Have I suffered enough for you? I don’t even understand your motives. You don’t even do things for money. You force people into misery just to gain pleasure from their sorrow and grief. What sort of person are you?”

“Ah, Heechul, there’s no need to complain,” the man says casually, his tone friendly and light. “I’ll release your family. No harm has been done to them. Of course, before I do that, I have to enjoy myself one last time.”

“What do you want?” Heechul gasps as the man laughs a twisted, maniacal laugh.

 “Watch,” is the only response he receives. “Watch, and keep silent.”

Heechul peers past the alleyway, where only old street lamps dimly light up the surroundings. “I don’t see anything—“ he begins, but stops abruptly as a figure walks into sight.

Hankyung.

Heechul watches in horror as he notices shadowy shapes gather around the other man as the latter slowly walks forward, his eyes on the ground, not noticing what’s going around him.

“Han—”  Heechul begins to call, when the hand clamps around his mouth again.

“Silence,” the man hisses into his ear. “If you don’t keep quiet, then you’ll never see your family again.”

Heechul watches with a sinking feeling as the shadows come closer and closer around Hankyung. My best friend or my family?

He chooses his family.

Heechul shuts his eyes and tries to block out all sound as a burly man bursts out from behind a wall and launches himself at Hankyung. Hankyung will be fine. He knows martial arts. But even as he thinks that, multiple yells fill the air, and a scream of agony, unmistakably Hankyung’s, reaches Heechul’s ears and causes him to wince in guilt, no matter how much he tries to ignore it. The stabbing, red hot pain of his betrayal he feels is so intense it’s almost real.

Hankyung-ah…I’m so sorry.

Finally, a few minutes later, silence reigns again, and Heechul slowly opens his eyes, afraid for the worst. In front of him, Hankyung is slumped motionless against a wall, the dim street lamp above throwing his injuries into the light.

Behind him, the man laughs. “Thank you for the amusement,” he chuckles. “I should get going now. And Heechul-sshi, did you know that I never had your family in my hold? They were safe all the time. I never found out where they were. You should have checked.”

The mocking laughter remains in Heechul’s thoughts even after the man releases him and runs off. At the moment, he truly wants to kill the man, but he restrains himself and turns towards Hankyung. There is nothing he can do about revenge at the moment.

“Hankyung-ah, Hankyung-ah,” he whispers fervently as he reaches the injured man. “Are you okay? Are you awake?”   

“Heechul?” Hankyung looks up stiffly, his voice cracked and raw. “Heechul…” He falls silent, because there’s nothing else to say, not when he’s slumped against a wall, his clothing ripped, with blood trickling down his forehead and bruises covering his face.

“Hankyung-ah.” Heechul gently wipes off the blood on Hankyung’s forehead and puts an arm around him for support. “Can you stay awake?”

“Heechul,” Hankyung mutters dizzily, closing his eyes, his breathing rattled. “It hurts…”

“I know,” Heechul begins to ramble. “Don’t worry. We’re not too far from the dorm. I have my cell phone. I can call the hospital. You’ll be okay. We’ll take you to the hospital, and you’ll be fine. Okay?”

“No, it’s fine,” Hankyung gasps. “I can get up. I don’t think anything’s broken. I can walk.”

“Are you sure?” Heechul stands up and reaches into his pocket. “I should call.” He searches through his pocket, but his cell phone isn’t there. That man…he must have stolen it. Then, his hands touch something paper-like in texture, and his eyes widen. Heechul slowly takes out five paper bills, and his hands clench in rage. How dare he leave this one last mocking statement, to make fun of me, to make me feel like I was bribed into doing this instead of blackmailed.

“Heechul?” Hankyung slowly raises his hand and points at the bills, trembling. “You know, that’s strange. Before the men who attacked me left, one of them told me that they had been paid. ‘With five bills,’ he told me. ‘Everyone gets five bills.’ Where did you get the money?”

“I—I…” Heechul trails off. He glances down at the bills and drops to his knees in front of Hankyung. “It’s my money,” he mumbles, slowly shaking his head.

“No, it’s not.” Hankyung’s voice is angry, and when Heechul looks up, the younger man’s eyes are bright and lucid. “I had my suspicions, Heechul, but I never thought they would be true. The letters you got at breakfast. My disappearing belongings. My music. It was all you, wasn’t it? I couldn’t figure out why, until I thought of the blackmailer. Heechul, you were blackmailed, weren’t you? Why didn’t you tell me?” At the last question, Hankyung’s voice cracks and he doubles over, coughing.

“Tell you?” Heechul exclaims, past denying now, yet still supporting Hankyung as the latter continues coughing in pain. “He threatened to kill my family!”

“Then explain to me how you knew he had your family as hostages.” Hankyung’s eyes continue watching him, and Heechul cannot figure out what emotion is hidden behind them. “I never saw you call or check. You were worried, yes, but you could have asked any of us.”

“I didn’t,” Heechul whispers, looking down at the ground in shame. “I took his word for granted, because once, years and years ago, he almost killed my family. We moved to escape from him, and I thought that was the last I’d ever see of him. But he found me again, and he told me he would kill my family if I didn’t do what he told me. I was so frightened by what happened in the past that I took his word for granted.”

“So that’s why you never talk about your family?” Hankyung asks softly, having finally stopped coughing. “Because you needed to protect them?”

Heechul nods.

“Then what about now…why are you telling me now?” Hankyung stares at him, uncomprehending, then his eyes widen. “Unless…”

“He said he’s tired of blackmailing me,” Heechul whispers, forcing the unwilling words out from his mouth. “And he said…he said that he never had my family. He blackmailed me with empty words and I believed him. I hurt you.” He looks at Hankyung, then turns away, unable to face the injured man in front of him. “I’m so sorry.”

When Hankyung speaks again, every word is laced with accusing bitterness. “Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped you. Why didn’t you tell anyone? Are we not worthy of your trust? You know that every one of us would lay his life down for you, Heechul, especially me. We could have helped.”

Heechul bows his head and stares at his still trembling fingers. “Because I convinced myself that you wouldn’t be able to help. I didn’t want to hurt you. But what the man made me do…I thought that you would forgive me eventually. Because you said you would always forgive me.”

“Forgive you?” Hankyung’s voice raises in pitch and he stares at Heechul incredulously. “After this?”

And that’s when something dies inside of Heechul, because he realizes that even if Hankyung eventually does forgive him, there will always be a rift between them. There is no taking back what he has done. He has taken it too much for granted that Hankyung will forgive anything he does, no matter how terrible. 

“That’s what I thought,” he whispers almost inaudibly. “That’s what I believed.”

“Well, you believed wrong,” Hankyung snaps. “If you thought I would forgive you because you did this to me because you thought I would, without considering how I could have helped, how I could have saved you—well, you were wrong. Heechul, you’ve been always the reckless one, and I’m the one who you always rely on whenever you go too far. I’m done with being your support. I can’t forgive you anymore.”

He falls over as he tries to push himself up, and Heechul instinctively grabs Hankyung’s arm to help.

“Let me go,” Hankyung says sharply, drawing away. “Just get away from me.” He finally stands up shakily and slaps Heechul’s hand away when Heechul tries to support him. “There’s no need for us to be friends anymore, Heechul-sshi.”

“Hankyung-ah, let me explain…”

“Don’t call me Hankyung-ah!” Hankyung’s face contorts in rage, and it’s almost too gruesome for Heechul to bear—that bloodied, bruised expression of fury and loathing, yet somehow of hurt and confusion, so intense that Heechul can almost literally feel his heart breaking in grief. “Let me go,” he repeats one more time. “I can get back to the dorm myself.”

“Hankyung…”

“Get away,” Hankyung says curtly, and staggers away, clutching his arm. “There’s no need for you to help.”

“Please…” Heechul calls out one more time, dropping to his knees as Hankyung continues to limp away from him. The tears finally overflow in his eyes, and his vision blurs as he reaches out towards the vanishing figure of the only man in the world he can call his best friend. Don’t go. If you leave, then I don’t know how I can live like this. I’m nothing without you. I’m so sorry. Really. He feels pathetic and detestable—he regrets everything he has done. He is nothing, nothing, because of the pain he has caused the one he loves. “Hankyung-ah—”  

Hankyung doesn’t even look back.

“Heechul hyung, what if you do something so bad someday that Hankyung-hyung will never forgive you?” Kibum asks curiously as they stand in the rain one day after a rehearsal, waiting for the bus to come and pick the group up. “What will you do then?”

He spots Hankyung standing a few meters away from them, engrossed in a conversation with Kyuhyun, then laughs confidently as he tilts his face towards the sky, closing his eyes as the raindrops land on his face and trickle down like tears.

“Hankyung will always forgive me, no matter what I do.”

the end

[author’s note]: AGH. I don’t even know if Heechul and Hankyung are in character here. Because the plot I had in mind had no intention of going away, so I just made stuff up to keep the plot, and I don’t know if this would be in character…YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST MAKE THIS AU. THERE. CREATIVE LICENSE >.<

This was so mentally exhausting to write. This oneshot was definitely not even a third this long when I began planning. Somehow, along the way, the words and ideas just started coming, and because my brain is stupid, it decided to make me write more and more ._____.

…I don’t even ship Hanchul. I ship Kichul. What the heck. And there's no mention of Donghae. At all. Egad, the world has ended :O

Oh well. I randomly inserted Kibum into this oneshot. Yay. That makes me happy ^-^ AND I AM FINALLY DONE WRITING THIS INSANITY. HA. >:D

Comments will be cherished forever in my heart <3 Therefore, please comment (: Thank you~

And of course, if you could check out my other stories, it would be appreciated :3