I'd like to think that my (poor) performances on the Random Play dances in our Weekly Idol episodes, or the little mistakes I made on our live performances, never got to me. I'd like to think that, as I laughed hard at myself on the show and on stage, only my stomach was hurting. Nothing else.

Definitely not my self-esteem.

When, a few days after doing our most recent Weekly Idol episode, I started to lock myself in the dance practice room for hours at a time, I convinced myself that it was only because I personally felt like I needed to do better. Not because the echoes of laughter from my members and from the hosts played in my mind in an endless loop.

The first day I did this, I begged our manager to go along with my excuse if the other girls would ask where I'd been: That I was temporarily changing my flying yoga routine to jogging. To divert the girls' attention further, I would make a convenience store run just before going back to the dormitory. Any possible questions would be all but forgotten as soon as the three laid eyes on their favorite snacks.

Blackpink had no leader, but as the oldest of the four, I constantly felt an internal pressure to put up a strong, confident front that the others could lean on whenever they needed to.

"Jisoo unnie, can I talk to you for a second?" Chaeyoung once asked me after I had just gotten out of the bathroom, an almost desperate look in her eyes.

Later, we were both in my room, the younger girl pacing back and forth in a tight line and my vision almost swimming, exhausted, while I sat on the edge of my bed, watching her.

"I think I have... I have feelings for Jennie unnie," Chaeyoung finally said after what seemed like an hour. I tilted my head to one side, trying to read the expression on her face, trying to see if there were tears welling up behind her eyes. "And I feel terrible about it."

"What if she—" Chaeyoung coughed, attempting to stifle the sob that was definitely coming, because Chaeyoung was not Chaeyoung if she didn't feel everything on such a deep level, "I'm afraid that she won't—won't think the same way. She might think it's strange. Or—or wrong."

"Why?" I said simply. "You like who you like, there shouldn't be anything wrong with that."

It was only a few words, but Chaeyoung appeared to hang on to every single one. "Really?" she whispered.

I stood up and had to tiptoe so I could pat her head. "Really. Are you going to tell Jennie how you feel?"

The conflict that briefly disappeared from her features started to show once more. She looked panicked, her shoulders tensing up, like the thought of confessing her feelings never once crossed her mind before I mentioned it.

"What? Why would I..." she trailed off, starting to chew on her bottom lip. A string of incoherent muttering followed. I was only able to catch the words "touchy" and "Lisa" before she fell silent again.

"It's up to you if you do or you don't, Chaeyoung-ah. But whichever decision you make, make sure you don't regret it in the end."

Eventually, Roseanne (I always liked her English name better, even if it was always a challenge for me to pronounce.) said good night and let herself out, and just as the door closed, the Pandora's box of my bothersome thoughts flung open.

As I laid on my back, I thought about how I wanted so much to be the unnie my members could rely on to inspire them, make them laugh, and make them feel better. The drawback to this desire was that I couldn't ask for any of the three to be that person to me.

So I couldn't tell any of them what I was really up to when I was out almost every night.

I couldn't tell any of them I was constantly chastising myself because I was the worst dancer of the group.

I couldn't vent to any of them how inadequate I was feeling because I couldn't keep up with them on this one thing.

Kim Jisoo, why are you such a weakling? was the last thought I remembered having before I turned to my side and gave in to a fitful sleep.

-----

Lisa was a smart girl, much smarter than other people gave her credit for. Sometimes, when my thoughts drifted, I would wonder if she ever planned all her silly antics to the letter, because it was interesting how her acts of spontaneity were always so well-timed.

Just like her dancing.

How could someone who was so carefree, and so bright that holding her hands was at times like touching a fragment of the sun, also be so deadly precise and so sharp she could put a knife to shame when she danced?

How could someone who had the time to shower her three other members with affectionate gestures, surprise us with pranks, and stuff her face with food on a level that was almost at par with Rosé, all on a daily basis, also be so perceptive?

"Unnie," said girl called, sounding casual but her eyes cautious, scanning the kitchen to see if Jennie and Chaeyoung were within earshot. "Be honest with me about something."

Lisa's flat tone made me curious enough to pry my attention away from the plate of precious chicken skewers I'd picked up on the way home from the YG dance practice room. "What is it?" I said, meeting her eyes as she leaned on the wall next to the fridge, arms crossed. I prepared myself for the question I knew in my gut she was going to ask.

"Where do you really go when you're out?"

I tried not to miss a beat, but, much like my dancing, the timing of my answer was painfully off. "I—I go jogging, didn't I tell you that? I decided to see if I like it better than flying yoga."

"Jisoo unnie," her voice broke into a low whine, "Why are you hiding things from us? Don't you trust us by now? We've all been together for so long, but you're keeping secrets like we don't know each other—"

I didn't notice my jaw clenching and my nostrils flaring defensively. "What makes you so sure I'm keeping secrets from you?"

But apparently, Lisa did the noticing for me. She pushed herself off the wall and started to walk towards me, stopping only when she had both hands on either side of my waist, palms resting on the kitchen counter I was facing away from. "Because you look exactly like that when you lie," she whispered.

Just as I opened my mouth to try and verbally get myself off the hook, the younger girl continued, "And Manager oppa doesn't know your jogging route. If you're really jogging like you say you are, he would know, wouldn't he?"

She was uncomfortably close, enough that I could feel her breath tickling my face. She probably thought she could intimidate me into giving her answers this way. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

"Yah, Lisa," I said tersely, looking away briefly, trying my hardest to ignore the heat on my cheeks and the pounding in my ears due to the embarrassment of being caught. This girl is too smart for her own good, seriously. "Why do you even care so much?"

For a second, I saw the other girl's gaze turn glassy, and she was evidently trying to stop her lower lip from trembling. The moment was gone too soon, however, when a half-asleep Jennie shuffled to the kitchen, rubbing an eye. "Lisa, Jisoo unnie, you're both still awake?" she mumbled drowsily, opening a drawer and reaching for a glass.

Receiving no response from both Lisa and I, she looked up at us, suddenly much more awake than she was seconds ago. "You're both awfully quiet—" If I were her, that would be my thought exactly, because Jisoo, Lisa and quiet in one sentence was usually an anomaly—"Is there something wrong?"

Lisa turned to her, and I could tell the smile on her face was forced. Did my late nights really bother her that much? "I-It's nothing. Jisoo unnie and I were just talking."

Jennie's eyes narrowed in curiosity. She was, unsurprisingly, not going to be convinced by such a weak excuse. When she said nothing to push the subject further, I had a feeling she was simply going to get either Lisa or I alone later on and pry the information out of us then.

I scoffed at this thought. I was tired, and I was definitely not in the mood to be cornered and confronted more than once about something I had every right to keep to myself.

"Now who's keeping secrets?" I muttered, hopping off the stool I'd been sitting on, brushing past both Lisa and Jennie, and retreating to the safety of my room, the plate of chicken skewers long forgotten.

-----

If there was one thing that not even Lisa's sharp dance moves could cut through, it was the thick, heavy tension that was steadily building up between both of us over the next few days.

To make things worse, Chaeyoung seemed to be avoiding Jennie. If the older girl was aware of this, it didn't show.

Then again, Kim Jennie did have a tendency to keep things to herself, just like me. Maybe that's why we got along so well. Unlike with Lisa, Jennie and I were never really uncomfortable with not always knowing every single thing going on with each other.

That was why, when a quiet Chaeyoung rose from the dinner table one night with her plate, and Jennie followed suit, a determined expression on her face, I didn't stop her to ask what she planned to do.

Unfortunately, this decision left Lisa and I alone with the tension that I mentioned was still very far from gone.

Not unexpectedly, an awkward silence ensued as soon as Chaeyoung and Jennie were out of the kitchen. The only sounds that could be heard were the clinking of silverware as both of us continued to wolf down our food—me because yet another four hours of practicing was enough for me to work up an appetite, and Lisa because she was Lisa.

Being tense sure made me hungry.

"Me too," a voice broke through my thoughts. I wanted to facepalm, realizing too late that I'd said my last thought out loud.

"Hey, Chichu unnie?"

Upon hearing Lisa use my nickname with a cutesy tinge to her voice, I couldn't stop myself from looking up at her. "Yes?"

I saw her bristle at my stiff response. "I'm sorry about the other day. I shouldn't be forcing you to tell me things if you don't want to."

I raised an eyebrow, finding the word choice familiar, and also noticing that the way Lisa spoke appeared like she was rehearsing lines. "Did you get that from Jendeuk?"

The maknae's lips curled into a sheepish smile. "Yeah," she said. "We talked. She talked to me about you the other day after you—" she stopped abruptly, starting a new sentence instead. "I also talked to her about Chaeng."

"Oh," I paused. "What about Chaeyoung?" I said, trying to keep my voice even. I didn't dare to say further, not quite sure if the girl ever told Lisa what she'd told me.

It was Lisa's turn to raise her eyebrows. "Well, she's not exactly being subtle about her feelings for Jennie unnie, even if she thinks she is. And she always looks at me like she wants to kill me when unnie and I get close." She shuddered. "This is Rosie we're talking about, I'm sure she wouldn't kill a fly, but who knows if a day will come when she'll make an exception."

Seeing her genuinely scared of sweet, gentle Park Chaeyoung at that moment made me chuckle for some reason. Apparently it was contagious, because Lisa soon joined in, at one point her laughter becoming louder than my own.

And just like that, I felt like we were okay again. There was something else, too—a gentle fluttering in my stomach that had nothing to do with what I was eating—but I was too relieved with being back on good terms with Lisa to pay it much attention right then.

-----

I should have known the peace wouldn't last forever.

This was the first thing on my mind when, after being away with Chaeyoung for the whole day due to a photoshoot for CéCi, I made up some excuse about taking a walk before leaving her (She was silent most of the time, never bringing up why she was avoiding Jennie or if anything came out of their talk some nights ago.), to head to the dance practice room, and saw none other than Lisa, sitting on the floor, hugging her knees, waiting for me.

I didn't even have the energy to be surprised. I walked past her so I could drop my bag on the lone table in the room.

"Whatever happened to not forcing me to tell you things if I don't want to?"

"I'm sorry, Jisoo unnie," she said, standing up and crossing the room until she was a few steps away from me. "But technically, I didn't force you this time. I forced Manager oppa."

"Why?" I said incredulously, whipping around to face her, seeing too late how close Lisa was. "Is it so important for you to know everything that's going on with everyone? Do you just have an insatiable curiosity about every single thing? Are you—Are you that nosy?"

The younger girl stood there and let my accusations wash over her. She her lips, looking just as nervous as I felt. "Yes and... no."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I snapped, my patience running thinner by the minute.

"Yes, because I do have an insatiable curiosity about every single thing if it's got anything to do with you," Lisa said in one breath. "No, because... I only want to know where you go so I can at least make sure you're safe."

"But why?" I said sharply.

Surprisingly, it was this question that seemed more like a slap on her face, compared to anything I said earlier. She looked away and cleared .

"Don't. Please unnie. Don't ask me that."

"Aren't you being just a little unfair now?" I said dryly. I narrowed my eyes and moved forward, making her step back. "It's my turn to know. So why, Lisa?"

I saw her visibly gulp, and I was fascinated at how much I seemed to affect her right then. Her eyes darted in almost every direction except where my eyes were.

The moment faded all too quickly, though, and under her bangs I could see that her eyes had some of sort of spark to them. "Didn't you... Didn't you come here for a reason?" she retorted, this time straightening her back and towering over me. "I know you're mad about me being nosy, but shouldn't I be mad that you've been beating yourself up about your dancing? Without telling any of us?"

This time, I was the one who was hit hard by her words. I averted my eyes, burning a hole through the floor with them instead.

"Chichu," Lisa said, her voice softer this time. I felt her hands gently rest on my shoulders. She slowly started to rub there, trying to soothe me, maybe. "I just want to help. I understand that you need to be strong as our unnie, but there's no rule that says you can't rely on your other members when you need to."

"It's—It's not just that." I cursed myself inwardly for stuttering. I found I could speak as long as I didn't have to stare at those distracting eyes. "You, of all people, wouldn't understand. How would you know what it feels to be embarrassed about missing a step? How would you know what it's like to be intentionally put at the back most parts of a song because the choreographer singled you out as the weakest?" At this point, I heard my voice crack a little, insecurity coating my words. So pathetic, Kim Jisoo, my mind taunted. "How—How could you know? Your dancing is perfect all the time. You're the best dancer in our group. The best among a lot of girl groups, even."

The rubbing motion on my shoulders stopped. I suddenly felt cold at the loss of Lisa's hands on them. Just when I thought of looking up, she tilted my chin with her fingers so I had no choice but to meet her gaze.

"Dance with me."

Without waiting for me to formulate a response, she pulled me by the hand towards the center of the practice room, played one of our songs with her phone, and, instead of taking her normal position for "Boombayah", she stepped behind me and gently held my waist. I noticed how pressed her upper body was against my back, and involuntarily shivered at the contact.

In between the intro and Jennie's first rap part, I felt Lisa's breath on my ear. "Don't be so stiff. Try to relax a little."

Despite being behind me the entire time, I almost didn't feel any weight. Somehow, we were able to move fluidly together, even on the parts where we had to lay or sit on the floor. I couldn't concentrate. I could only feel—feel Lisa's chest rising and falling on my back, feel Lisa's hands move on my sides, feel Lisa's mouth beside my ear whenever she whispered.

At some point I imagined I was a dolphin seamlessly flitting through the depths of the sea, and Lisa was the water that gave way and yet moved with me at the exact same time.

By the end of the second song, "Playing With Fire," my mouth was dry, my face was sweaty, and my heart rate may have shot through the roof, both due to tiredness and due to the fact that Lisa still hadn't let go of my waist.

I could feel her heavy breathing more than ever right then, as she laid her chin on my shoulder. I gasped as I felt her arms circle my waist instead of just her hands, but was instantly alarmed when she started to shudder and sniff repeatedly, water soon pooling on the shoulder her head rested on.

"Yah, Lisa, what's wrong?" I felt her shake her head. I tried again, my voice gentler this time. "Lisa, please. Tell me."

"I d-don't wanna be the best dancer if I'm going to be h-hated for it," she sobbed, her voice muffled by my shirt. "I-If you're going to hate me for it."

"No! Lisa, I don't—" I started.

"Please don't hate m-me, un-nnie. I'll t-try to understand, I'll try to help, I'll try to stay out of your way, just don't hate m-me. I can't bear it if you do."

For the fourth time since we talked that day, I asked, "Why?"

And I thought I had imagined hearing her whisper, "Because I'm in love with you", but when I felt her grip tighten even more, that was all it took to convince me that it was real.

As an afterthought, I realized that the fluttering feeling in my stomach that had happened a few times before because of the girl behind me was real, too.

"I'm sorry unnie. I didn't mean to." Lisa started to loosen her hold on me, but my hands shot up and reached for her arms. I turned around, my chest aching at the sight of red on the rims of her eyes.

"Why are you apologizing? You love who you love," I answered, and, repeating my words from when I talked to Chaeyoung, I added, "There shouldn't be anything wrong with that."

"Also," I continued, trailing my thumbs under the bags of the other girl's eyes to brush away her tears, "It's not wrong if I feel the same way, is it? If I'm in love with you too?"

"No," she replied after a nerve-wracking minute of getting over her suprise at my confession, voice hoarse from her crying. I saw her eyes flickering not-so-subtly back and forth from my own eyes to my lips.

"I really don't know what you're waiting for, Lalisa," I said, playing with her name. With my hands still cupping her face, I raised myself and caught her lips with mine.

If dancing with Lisa made my heartbeat quicken, kissing Lisa made my entire heart leap out of my chest and back in again. In a figurative sense.

An arm was back around my waist as she steadied me, pressing us closer together at the same time. Even then, she was trying to help me. A wave of guilt came over me when I thought of how I'd accused her earlier of trying to know things just for the sake of it.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed before we reluctantly separated for air. All I remembered was that, after I saw Lisa's cheeks flush pink and decided that this was going to be one of the things I wanted to see every single day from then on, her phone rang, cutting the moment too short for my liking.

She groaned. "It's Chaeyoungie. I'll put her on speaker." She swiped on the screen and tapped the speaker button. "Hello?"

There was no response on the other line. Lisa was about to end the call when she faintly heard voices a second later. She looked at me, eyes wide.

"She might've called by accident," I guessed.

"I should hang up—"

I grabbed her arm. "Wait. Is she talking to Jennie?"

"Are we seriously going to listen in?"

I shrugged. Before Lisa could say anything in reply, Chaeyoung's tired voice rang through the phone's speakers. "Jennie unnie, I don't really want to talk right now."

"I would respect that and leave you alone, Rosie, but you've been saying the same thing every time I've tried to talk to you, and it's been days," an equally exhausted Jennie answered. "Did I do something or say something wrong? Please, just tell me, so I can work on it."

"It's not any fault of yours, unnie. I swear it's not. Just... Just give me time, okay? Give me time to fix this myself."

"But—"

"Please, Jennie."

"I—I miss you." The broken tone of Jennie's voice surprised me, because in all the years I'd known her, it was the first time I heard this much pain. It was audible even through the phone, and even though her voice was distant. "Please stop avoiding me. You're—It kind of... hurts."

I watched Lisa from the corner of my eye. She appeared to be listening intently, as well. "Oh my God, Jennie unnie likes Chaeng too," she muttered.

"I'm sorry, unnie, but I'm scared," Chaeyoung said weakly.

"Of what?"

"Of how you'd feel after I—I do this." Silence. Then, a sound that caused both Lisa and I to blush furiously, since it was a familiar sound that our lips had made together just a few minutes ago.

"Okay, we definitely should hang up now," Lisa said hastily, and tapped the end call button, but not before hearing Jennie playfully tell Chaeyoung, "Why didn't you ever do that earlier, Rosie?"

"I really need to cleanse my ears, unnie," the girl beside me grumbled.

"Let's go get some pudding, that might help. You're always stealing mine, so you must like it," I said.

A smile made its way to Lisa's face instantly. "I know something else of yours that I stole," she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Eww, now my ears need cleansing."

She threaded her fingers through the hair on the side of my head, then leaned down to give me a small kiss. "No they don't."

I broke into what must have been a ridiculously goofy grin, my lips tingling from where Lisa's had touched them. "Fine. They probably don't."

The days after that were pretty much the same, the only difference being that Lisa would practice with me, and we'd go home together holding hands (like the cheesy couple we ended up becoming), as well as snacks for Chaeyoung and Jennie.

Don't get me wrong, I would still mess up my steps a few (several) times even with Lisa's guidance and all the extra practices. But eventually, I've learned to genuinely laugh those mistakes off and try to do better next time.

From then on, with the help of Chaeyoung, Jennie and Lisa, I made sure that nothing else but my stomach was hurting whenever I laughed at my shortcomings.